So little time

I can't concentrate. I feel like I haven't been able to put out any good writings since I got pregnant....Baby boy is sucking my brain cells away I think.lol... either way, then there's all the emotions which makes me really want to blog it out, but its more of a big ball of emotional mess... therefore, I haven't written anything in what feels like forever, and what I did write was just all depressing and corupt. I feel so overwhelmed right now, there is only 17 weeks left until baby boy is born..it feels like my pregnancy is flying by, and my belly is growing everyday makes it much more real. It's exciting, but also scary. I don't know how I am going to support a baby as well. God is already providing though, I got a promotion at work which is wonderful, at this point, unless God miraculously provides a large sum of money very soon I will only be able to take a 2-3 week maternity leave. I really want to stay home for the full 12 weeks, but this is where it comes down to necessity versus want. Most people would tell me that it's what I get for getting pregnant outside of marriage, or a relationship even. Of courese, I was in a relationship when this happened. I can't help it that he is leaving and doesn't want anything to do with me or his son. I know that God will take care of me and baby boy, and I know that being a single mom is not an easy thing to do, and that this is the "consequence" of my actions, but I think no matter what the circumstances, that mother and baby need that 12 weeks at least to bond and just be together....It saddens my heart that I may not get that full time with my precious baby boy. Don't get me wrong here, I am not complaining, nor am I trying to have a pity party. Just stating my feelings,..this is how I process. How I get through another day, and keep moving forward, by getting it all off my chest. If you don't like it... there's no need for you to continue reading. Just saying... I say that disclaimer, because it seems not everyone understands why I blog. Anyway, enough about that. I had another ultrasound. It was precious, baby boy is still head down. He is getting more precious every day, yesterday he had the hiccups almost all day lol. It made me smile :) I am getting more and more excited everyday to meet my baby boy. I know that God has a call on his life, even at this point. He is going to be a huge light in my world <3 I am already so in love with my child. On a different note, I really can't wait until he comes out so I can have sushi lol. Aside from all that, Christmas shopping is all done, gifts are wrapped, my house is clean, and life is overall good. I know that I have a lot of reasons to be mad or upset at the world, but life is generally good. I love my job, I own my house, I have a loving and supportive family, and I am being blessed with the best gift any woman could ever receive. Its just a matter of remembering the good things in life outweigh the bad, and knowing that eventhough I have to do this alone. That God will provide, therefore, I guess I'm not really alone afterall. Such is life. People don't always understand why I say that about things such as my childs father walking out. Well, the way I see it is that he and I weren't meant to be together, and God will bring someone into my life who will be better for me. He will bring someone into my, and my sons life who will love and care for us both. Someone who will treat us right, someone who will be pivotal in the generations. Someone who my son will love as a father, and someone I will be passionate about and give my whole heart to. At this point, its just a matter of waiting for that someone... in the mean time, I will continue to blog my sadness, frustration, love, happiness, joy, grief, and all my other emotions. I will continue to wait, and enjoy this time that God has provided for me and my baby boy. I will enjoy my career, and my cats :) I suppose thats all for now. Blessings.

.......nameless

This isnt how it was supposed to be. Alone. Afraid. Awaiting a prince who may never come. Carrying the child of a man who wants nothing to do with it. Disconnected from a loving God who does care. 'Friends' who dont really care. People who say they care but dont. No one reaches out. The energy is gone. There is no chemistry anymore. Judgements come from all angles. Life is sad. Hopeless. Strength has left. Rapid cycling with no way to ease the symptoms. Winter is difficult. Depression strikes half the world, the northern half. Connection is needed. So desperately desiring to be connected. There has to be someone who needs the same. In a season of thankfulness and joy, life is bittersweet. There has to be some way to stop this madness. There is no joy in the joyfulness of life. Mornings are better. Keep pushing through. Just go to bed and life will look better in the morning. It rarely does. Home is lonely. At least there are people at work. One more day. Then it will be the weekend. This feeling is terrible. Its not how life was supposed to turn out. Planning never worked out. Go with the flow. Easier said than done. One day at at time. This too shall pass. Cliche. Such is life...

Reflections

She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.

What is love, that it should love another?

I thought of you today, but thats no suprise. I think of you every day....at least once a day. My heart has been breaking for nearly 3 years now. You love me, then you pull away. The distance is ever so painful, and each time its the same. It makes me wonder if you will ever live up to who God created you to be, but I know thats the devil planting lies in my mind. I have cried over you, prayed for you, cried out to God on your behalf, I have loved you, and been scared for you. Never have I loved another so much. The distance between us, makes me feel like the gap will never be closed. It hurts every time I hear those words, and every time I dont. We both know the truth. Why, couldnt we just be together from the beginning? Life isnt perfect, thats why. Because when sin entered the world, it created hoops we have to jump through. I know you can jump through this one. I know you can be who you are supposed to be. I know that I can do the same, though I have beat this one, there are others that stand in my way. Dont think I am without fault. God is working on my heart as well. He is  molding me, shaping me, and strengthening me. He is showing me how to have patience, perseverence and love beyond what anyone could ever know. I am sorry that I made a decision to not wait. I should have, but now I am bringing a life into this world. I am doing it alone. This is never how it was supposed to be, but God has a plan. I still wait. I wait for you, in due time God will bring us together...God has made us with eachother in mind. I know the struggles you face, I faced them too. I know that you have the strength through God to overcome! I believe in you, even if you dont believe in yourself. Even if you feel you're at the end of your line. I believe that you can do it. I have never lost so much sleep over one person. I have been dreaming about you lately, dreaming that you and I were finally united in His perfect timing. I know that God keeps his promises, quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. Every day without you just seems longer, and lonlier. I feel like there is no end in sight. But, I keep pushing forward because its better to wait for His plan, than it is to settle for something that isnt right. There is a saying that says "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If it doesnt, it was never yours in the first place." I have let go, many times. I have had to. Each time you return its sweeter, but each time you part its harder. This time, I have let you go. I am just waiting for your next move. Whatever that may be, its up to you.... Because I am still here, waiting, wishing, hoping, and working on my program and walk with Christ. Trying to do the next right thing. Still thinking of you every day, and still waiting. God has a plan, maybe its you...maybe its not. For right now, I cant imagine anyone else... So, I continue to wait. He will either bring someone who will take my mind off you, or He will lead you in the way you are to go. Either way, I love you. I always have, and I probably always will. God be with you, and I will continue to pray, love, and hope for His plan to come into play. Blessings.

Table for one...

It had been a long day. As she slid in the booth in the back corner of a busy restaraunt on a Friday night. She set her belongings by her side and picked up the menu, she ordered her dinner and waited for it to be served. As she waited she looked around, the place was full of groups and couples..what more could you expect on a Friday night? She was saddened by the thought that she was there alone. She didnt have a group or date, she sat alone. Tired from the day she began to gaze into space and think about the recent events and how she ended up where she is this evening, alone, at a restaraunt. She thought of how just weeks ago she learned of the child she was growing in her belly. She thought of the supportive people, and the ones who's words hurt. She focused on them for a minute. They would say things to her like she was not a good christian, and how could she let this happen, what was she thinking. They would tell her she needed to "get right with God" before she went another day living in sin. All condemning and hurtful words. Who were they to tell her what she needed to do? They never walked in her shoes! They never knew the painful ache of having once had a relationship in marriage and that now being gone, they never knew the pain of waiting for that call to go sell their bodies for money. They didnt know the pain she felt, they didnt know the life she walked, knowing that for the rest of her days her body would be out there for all to see. They didnt know what that felt like, so who were they to judge her for the actions she made? Who were they to tell her what she needs to do or how to live her life? How did they know?

She knew that she had made a mistake, one that got her to this point with a baby growing inside of her. She knew that she needed to work on her walk with Christ, she knew what she needed to do. But she wasnt strong enough to do anything more than take baby steps, and she was! She was slowly healing from the decisions she made that led her here to this place. They didnt get that having a baby would be a healing experience for her, because for so long she mourned the loss of her son. They didnt get that this child would bring purpose and meaning to her life, they didnt get that this child would give her something to live for, something else to focus on. She needed this baby. Obviously she needed this baby or God wouldnt have given it to her.

She thought back to the times she was with the father of the child, how he would sweet talk to her. How he would say things like how much he loved her, and how much he cared. She thought about how quickly those words changed when she let him know that she was expecting. The hurtful words he used, the distance he so quickly drew between them, and the painful feelings she felt from him. She felt used and abandoned, when all she was looking for is someone to take care of her in the first place. The ever returning sinking feeling of being alone forever washed over her. She felt so scared, scared that she had to do this alone. It isnt the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happily married before bringing a child into this world. Life doesnt happen the way we want it to, she thought.

She continued to think about life and where she was, she thought about the things God was in the process of teaching her. She thought about how God was showing her that she didnt have to be perfect in order to be loved by him. She had felt her whole life that she had to "arrive" at a certain point before all of her dreams would come true. She had felt that she was supposed to act, look, and dress a certain way before anyone could love her. Now that she was going to have a baby, she would never arrive. She could never live up to the expectations people set for her. She could never live up to the way people wanted her to act. She would never be good enough for anyone, let alone the God of the universe. But in the still of the night, He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He was showing her that she didnt have to be this person she had made up in her mind she had to become. God was showing her how to be broken, how to be imperfect. He was showing her how to love, when no one loved her. He was showing her how to be his arms and feet. That she didnt need to live a perfect life to speak into someone elses. That the past was the past, and He didnt care about the past, only where she went from this point forward. He was teaching her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, when she never felt it because of what people said about or to her. Her life was full of people's hurtful words. She really just wondered when people would stop. She wished everyone were as loving as some people. But life isnt perfect-

She was snapped back to the moment in time when her server brought dinner. She decided maybe it was best to finish her meal, despite the bizzare looks she was getting from other people around, and leave the deep thoughts and figurings of life for another day. She decided that in the end, it all came down to one thing and one thing only. What God see's in her, not what people see in her. Because people are imperfect, but God is perfect love, the creator of the universe is the only one she should be trying to impress...

picking up the pieces...

I suppose its time to get back into this whole writing thing...er blogging thing. Anyway, tomorrow I start back at Consumer, I'm excited to go back. Aside from that, I have been hiking like mad, and Gram and I are in training to hike Mt. St, Helens..I cant wait! Lets see, its been so long since I have written a blog I feel like I am out of touch with my creative writing side. I cleaned house today, deep cleaned...I never let my house get too messy. Not really sure when or how I became a clean freak...maybe because I dont have cable, and I like a clean place...oh well. What else.. life is good, I was thinking the other day. The question that comes to mind is how did I become who I am today? How did I become the girl my mom warned me about when I was younger? What I mean by that is, I am the girl guys want to have sex with, not a relationship. This recently came to my attention when about 4 different guys said they wanted a relationship with me then the first time we were alone they tried to jump in bed with me. Well, then theres the few that just flat out asked me if they could sleep with me, no strings attached. Yeah, I am weak sometimes, but God gave me the strength to hold out...except for one. oops... I am not perfect, in fact far from it. I think the enemy attacks me in this area because of my past. What I used to do for a living makes me an easy target I guess.. well, new rule. If a guy wants to date me, he has to go through an interview with my stepdad :) lol...yeah, I am going to that length! Then they have to get approval from him, he doesnt approve, I dont date them! So keep that in mind guys ;) anyway, my mom was saying that as women we put off a vibe that says either "Im down to have sex" or "Touch me and die" lol...I guess, from my conclusion I have been putting off the wrong vibe. hmm... food for thought, how can I change this image? (Thats a rhetorical question) Do I dress super slutty? (another rhetorical question)...I think that I am going to have to do some soul searching on this topic. On another note, I definitely need to do the next right thing. Which, by the way, is my definition of worship. Most people look at worship as something you do in church, others say its time and money, others say its singing, or all of the above. In my mind, worship=doing the next right thing. No matter what the circumstances. Now, obviously we as humans, myself especially, dont always do the next right thing. For me, its about when I realize I have done the wrong thing, picking up the pieces and doing the next right thing. How's that for a definition? I like it :) my goodness, I am jumping from topic to topic... I got thirsty the other night, first time in a long time that has happened to me. It only lasted a minute, thank goodness. Then today while I was at lunch I ran into a fellow aa, and gave him a hug. He's an old timer with a lot of time under his belt. I think tomorrow night I'll go to CR, even if I have to be late. Next week I plan to pick up at least one meeting. Hopefully, course we have been hiking a lot, and need to do more. Hopefully 2 hikes next week. Well, 2 a week until we summit Mt. St. Helens for that matter. Thats the goal anyway. Okay, one more topic for the evening then I'm off here :) I was thinking the other day about how dependent we are on our cell phones. Did you know there was a study done recently? It showed that people who were without their cell phones for, I think 3 days, had the same feelings of a person who had been kidnapped!! Can you believe that? I can...So, here was my thought. How dependent we are on our cell phones vs. how dependent we are on the bible. I never leave the house without my phone, and if I do, I feel incomplete, and lost. However, I leave my bible home all the time! How much different, how much stronger would our walk be if we depended on our bibles as much as we depend on our cell phones? I guess thats just another tidbit of food for thought. Overall, life is good right now. I need to change some things, recent choices led me to this place of isolation from God, and I am just trying to find my way back to his arms right now. I am just tired of the cycle. I dont know, I guess right now I just needed to word vomit all over my blog...Its time to pick up the pieces of my life, and get back to a place where I know I am supposed to be... C'est la vie...

Late night ride... c/1

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

She set down her book, walked quietly over to the door. She turned the deadbolt and it clicked into the unlocked position. She turned the knob and slowly, gently, and quitely opened the door. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his face. He was standing there, so cool and collected. His jet black hair, spiked on his head, his dark grey tee, with stylish jeans, leather jacket, and a helmet snug up under his arm.
"Hey." He said, in a quiet gentle tone with a sly smile on his face.
"Hey." She returned with a smirk on her face and in her voice.

They had known eachother for some time now, he worked in a different department, but he smiled at her everytime he was in her area, or she was in his, and every time, her heart skipped a beat. Her face felt hot as if to say 'I'm bright red! Look at me!' It always embarrassed her, she wished her face wouldnt be so obnoxiously rebellious in its color. She couldnt help it though, she knew that there was more between them than a casual 'hi', or 'how are you today' every so often. She was ready to find out about this mystery guy. What was he all about, anyway?

He was nervous. His stomache in a knot, 'what if she doesnt like me after tonight' he thought to himself. He always tried to find reasons to go into her department at work, just so he could say hi. She was so beautiful! He swallowed back the nervous lump in his throat, took off his helmet and put down the kick stand on his BMW sports bike he loved that bike. He had been riding since he was 6 years old, and had finally gotten his dream bike only months prior, but he already knew how to handle it. As he stood and swung his leg over the seat to stand, he felt almost weak in the knees. This girl did that to him, and he loved it. As he moved slowly up the stairs to her apartment, he replayed their conversation from earlier in his mind. Him asking if she would like to go out for a late night ride, her smile in agreement, he was thrilled. He approached her door, and gave it a knock. He waited, and then heard the click of the door unlock, as she opened it from the other side, he saw her standing there, with a smirk on her face. She was not just beautiful, she was gorgeous! Her long wavy blonde hair fell perfectly into place, her deep blue eyes, and amazing smile, and oh her freckles! They drove him crazy. She was perfect in her looks, and her personality, she was sweet. He greeted her
"Hey." He could feel a sly smile creeping on his face.
"Hey." She said with a smirk, on her beautiful face.

She invited him inside, as she thought to herself 'he is actually here! He really came...' She figured he would come in, they would chat, then go on this late night ride he had promised her...of course it was already 10 P.M. She really wasnt sure what direction she should go with the timeframe, but she didnt care. It was friday night, she could sleep in the morning. All that mattered at that moment is him being there with her, thats all she cared about. Nothing else mattered, not even if they actually went for that ride or not. What he did next suprised her some. He got this look in his eye, a twinkle, that said 'I have something wonderful planned.' Next he grabbed her hand and gently pulled her out the door, it closed behind her, then he led her down the stairs, to his bike. She smiled as he handed her a helmet and helped her put it on, then gently tighten the strap. She liked the way he was so gentle with her, it was almost like he thought he would break her, she liked it. He said to her the words she would remember for the rest of her life...
"Are you ready ride with me?" She nodded and climbed on behind him, she liked the feel of his back to her front as she wrapped her arms around him to hold tight. He felt strong, and she felt safe probably for the first time in her life. Before he backed out of the parking space, she looked up at the sky, stars were everywhere! Like someone had sprinkled glitter in the dark, night sky. It was a beautiful moment in time. In a moment they were off.

He stood there looking her over for a minute, when she invited him in for a moment. He hesitated in her beauty, then went for it. He gently snatched up her hand, being careful not to be too rough. He wanted her to like him afterall, what girl would like a guy who was rough? Probably not a single one. He led her quickly but gently down the stairs and looked back to see her door close behind her, and her long blonde hair flowing. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get over her beauty. He led her to his bike, and handed her the helmet he had bought earlier that day, just for her to use. This would be the first time he had taken a passenger on his bike, and this one, oh such precious cargo she is. He wanted to make sure she would be safe and protected, so he bought the best helmet he could find. He helped her put it on, as he did his hand brushed over her hair, it was so soft and smoothe. As he tightened the helmet strap for her, the back of his hand came to her jawline, her skin was so flawless. She seemed perfect in every way. Once he was sure her helmet was on correctly, and she would be safe he looked her in the eye and said
"Are you ready to ride with me?" He watched as she smiled, nodded and climbed on behind him. She wrapped her delicate arms around him, he liked the feel of her against him. He had to make sure he drove extra careful tonight, he didnt want to do anything wrong, anything stupid, with such a priceless girl with him. With a sigh of hope, he backed out of the parking space and they were off.

As they rode through the dark of night, she felt so special. She loved the way their bodies seemed to move as one. The way they leaned together. She knew if she just followed his lead she would be okay. She wasnt sure where they were going exactly, but she didnt care. He was in charge, and she was happy to be there with him.

He had the perfect spot picked out. He had been there a few times before, but only by himself to think or pray after the initial time, when his sister showed him the spot. Never had he taken anyone to his secret spot, he didnt think it would be right, but now, with her, it seemed ok. He wanted to take her there, he wanted the night to be special, one she would never forget. He didnt want to mess this up! Afterall, she had already said yes. He just wanted to show her the best time he could. Every turn, he was careful. He had to be careful! He wouldnt mind crashing if it were just himself, but with her on behind, he couldnt, wouldnt crash this bike! He felt her snuggle in a little closer, and wrap her arms a little tighter, he liked that. He liked feeling her take his lead in which way to lean. Feeling their bodies move as one, was a great feeling. As they arrived at his secret lookout destination, he pulled up carefully. Parked, gently put the kickstand down and clicked off the engine. He felt her release her grip on him, and step off the bike. He followed behind her. They both removed their helmets, he thought he would take a chance once again, he gently reached for her soft hand and led her to the edge of the lookout, they sat on the bench there. She looked out, but he had seen it before, his eyes were on her. He watched her take a deep breath, and exhale, as if she were in a deep moment of thought. She turned to him.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." He usually didnt want to talk about his sister, but he felt comfortable sharing with her. He wanted her to know everything, but he certainly didnt want to scare her away. So he stuck with small talk at first.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now."
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." He was suprised at her openess, but welcomed it. He wanted to know everything about her. He was sad for her son though. He couldnt imagine how hard that must be to lose a child.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" He replied as he looked into her eyes. Deep blue and beautiful, he could see the pain inside her though. It was clear she was deeply hurt by the loss of her unborn child.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."

As he listened to her talk he responded, they jumped from topic to topic, slowly discussing their lives. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. He didnt pay attention to the time. They were conversing intently with eachother, learning the details of eachothers lives.

She didnt want to let go when he slowed to a stop and clicked off the engine. She held on just a moment longer, hoping he wouldn't think she was weird for holding him close a second longer. She loosed her grip on him, and dismounted the bike. She loved riding with him. She watched him step off, and remove his helmet. She did the same. He then gently took hold of her hand, and butterflies hit her stomach! He was holding her hand and that made her insides want to jump for joy, but she calmly followed his lead to the bench. As she sat down, she looked out over the city lights. They were beautiful! She took a deep breath, thinking of Gods magnificent creations, and the beauty of the simplicity of city lights. She exhaled and turned to him, the thought lingering in her mind.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." She saw the pain in his eyes as he shared the words. She could see that he had loved his sister very much, and she could see the scar left on his heart. She felt bad for bringing it up, so she quickly apologized.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now." As he quickly retorted, she thought of her own son in heaven, it was so hard losing him before she even had the chance to know him. If there was one thing she did know, it was the hurt and pain of losing someone. The tears that came with it, were sometimes unbearable.
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." She didnt know why she was telling him this, other than to let him know he was not alone in grief. She rarely brought up her son, it seemed to make people uncomfortable, but he seemed to understand. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that other people who were grieving the loss of a loved one were not afraid or uncomfortable in talking about their loved ones, or her son.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" His words were so gentle, and comforting. She appreciated his compassion. No judgement, just true compassion in his voice. Since she was not a married gal, people were often quick to pass judegement. He was different.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."

They kept talking, moving from topic to topic. She learned about him, and she shared about herself. She enjoyed the time so much with him that she forgot about the time. He seemed to be intent on talking with her, and she was having such a great time, she didnt care that the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to hours.... She felt a small chill run down her spine, it felt colder out than it had before. She looked out over the city, and realized the sky was lighter than it had been in the distance. Was the sun really rising already!? Did they really just stay out and talk all night? She didnt want to leave, she wanted to stay and talk with him for days! She knew that their time was coming to an end..

He caught her shiver, though it looked like she tried to hide it. He noticed the air seemed cool and crisp. It felt much colder than it had before. He watched her look out at the view, he looked out, if only to follow her lead. Was it getting light out? The sky seemed to be brighter from afar. He checked his watch, and sure enough! They had been there all night long, talking. He couldnt believe he let the time get away from him. He was thrilled that they had spent so much time together, but he knew she must be ready for bed. How rude of himself to keep her out all night! He thought, maybe he should get her home. He looked at her again, taking in the beauty of her face and long blonde hair as if it would be the last time he would see her. He knew he needed to stop stalling, how irresponsible of him. What would she think of him now, keeping her out. He only hoped she had good enough time to want to see him again.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked in a sheepish, and almost embarrassed tone.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." She replied with a gentle smile on her face.

She hoped he wouldnt catch her shiver, so she adjusted in an attempt to disguise it. He looked out at the sky, she looked back at him. She caught him glancing at his watch, she knew that their time was ending. Looking at the watch was always a sure sign. She was tired, but she had such a wonderful time. He looked tired though, she looked into his deep brown eyes. For a moment she looked straight into his soul, at that moment, she knew beyond a shadown of a doubt that he was a good guy. He looked almost as if he were ashamed.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked. She wanted to say no! She didnt want their time to end. She wanted to ask him to put his arm around her and stay a little longer. She also wanted to be respectful of his time.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." Was her answer, in hopes that he would change his mind and watch the sunrise with her. Instead he stood and held out his hand, she smiled, placed her hand in his. He felt so stong, yet so gentle. She felt so secure when her hand was in his. She stood, and they walked back to the bike together. They put on their helmets, and climbed on the bike. He started the engine, and she wrapped her arms around him, afterall, she had to hold on so she wouldnt fall off, right? She tightened her grip just a little when he eased on the throttle, and they pulled away from this beautiful spot.

He really wished she would have asked to stay and watch the sunset, but he felt as though he had already kept her out late enough. With her answer, he pushed to his feet, and held his hand hoping she would take it. She slid her hand in his as she lifted herself to stand. He let her take the lead back to the bike, watching her blonde hair. He was enthralled with her beauty. He climbed on the bike, after they both secured their helmets. She clibmbed on after. As he started the engine he felt her arms slide around his waist, he liked that feeling. He gently pulled the throttle back and rode away from the lookout. The drive back to her apartment seemed to be too quick! He wanted her to stay just a little longer, holding tight to him. As he pulled into the same parking space as before, he wished the night were not over. The sun was now in the sky and casting shadows all around. The air was clean and fresh. He left the engine on for just a few seconds, hoping she would not release her grip. Then he clicked it off, they both stepped off the bike.
"Let me walk you to your door." He asked in a statemtent fasion.
"Thank you." She replied as she handed him the helmet that had protected her beautiful head. He followed her up the stairs. She unlocked the door then turned around to face him, his heart skipped.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She said with a grin on her soft lips.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He meant the words with all his heart, and hoped she wasnt just being polite by thanking him.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her.

As he pulled into the parking space, she thought to herself, 'where did the time go? The drive back didnt take long enough!' She hoped that he would change his mind, back out and take her somewhere else. Just as long as she could stay in his presence, she would be happy. She felt him click off the engine. She stepped off, and he followed.
"Let me walk you to your door." He requested. She was appreciative, most of the guys she had dated in the past would have dropped her at the curb and taken off. She was greatful for his consideration.
"Thank you." She replied as she placed the helmet in his hands. He followed her up the stairs, she felt him watching her as they walked, not in a bad way, in a protective way that made her feel safe. As she unlocked the door she prayed the night wouldnt end yet, but she knew it was. She turned to face him, the butterflies in her stomache returned as she peered into his deep brown eyes.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She hoped her sincerity would come across, as she gave a polite smile.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He replied, She hoped he was being sincere in his words hoping to see her again. She really wanted to press up against him, wrap her arms around him and beg him not to go, but she refrained. Hoping her disappointment wouldnt show.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her. She turned the lock and it clicked into place. She turned around, and closed her eyes. Soaking in the last few hours she had spent with this amazing man. She thought of the safety she felt with him as she rode along behind him, her life in his hands. Somehow, she realized that she trusted him fully with her life. There was just something about him that made her feel safe. Perhapse the gentle strength that he posessed. As she thought more about it, she realized that the late night ride, was similar to the life walk with Jesus. She realized that if she put total control of her life in Jesus' hands, and cling to him, He would take care of her. She thought about how if she had let go, even for a second, she would fall off the back, and the bike would probably crash, hurting them both. A lot like the life walk. We let go of Jesus for even a split second, and we can crash and burn... She thought it interesting the comparison between this late night ride, and her walk with Jesus. She opened her eyes, looked around, closed them again and whispered
"Thank you Jesus for always protecting me, and please Lord, let me see him again."

He stood there a moment after she closed the door. He heard the click of the deadbolt being locked into place. He turned and slowly walked back down the steps to his bike, he prayed she would run back out and ask him to stay. He approached his bike, stepped over, put his helmet on and sat for a moment in the silence. The whole world seemed to be asleep aside from him and her. Probably just him now, as she probably went straight to bed. He thought to himself how much he would love to see her again, and just how much he had enjoyed their late night ride. He started up the engine, backed out, and pulled back the throttle. He slowly drove out of the complex, and headed toward home. Hoping, praying, he would see her again soon and thanking Jesus for their late night ride.

The God who wasnt there

So, I was in the library today using the internet and printing off some copies, then to look for a few good movies to check out. I came across this one titled "The God who wasnt there" by Brian Flemming. Basically a documentary trying to "prove" God doesnt exist. In the end of the movie, he even denies the Holy Spirit. Well, I feel sorry for this guy, when God comes back and Brian is thrown into the pit of hell, and realizes the terrible mistake he has made... Right now, I intend to break down his 62 minute film about why God doesnt exist and simply give my opinion. If youre against opinions (right or wrong) you can stop reading and exit my blog :) I am not going to break down the documentary in great detail, just look at some of the "big" arguments he gives. This is not an attempt to argue or offend, I was intrigued by this documentary and thought I would give my opinion on it...afterall, I am one oppinionated s.o.b :) anyway, in addition, I am no expert on christianity, or any of this stuff. I live by my own experiences with God. I will say this, Brian Flemming is trying to convince people that God doesnt exist, he failed. If anything, this documentary inspired me to do more research later on and strengthened my faith.

His main argument, there is no proof of God existing. Well, my dear friend, that is why its called faith.

Google defines faith : faith/fāTH/Noun

1. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. 

 

Ok, ok...lets go ahead and get into the depths of this guys documentary...

 

His argument-First he starts off by saying that the earth didnt always revolve around the sun, that the sun revolved around the earth for hundreds of years, that christianity was wrong about the solar system, so maybe theyre wrong about other stuff...

 

My opinion-To that I would say this. I am no expert on the solar system, so I am not going to dispute that. I will say I am curious as to where he got his "facts" from. I have always been taught that the earth revolved around the sun, in public school... So, if thats what he is basing this whole thing off of...idk.

 

His argument- In the documentary he interviewed several christians coming out of a church service. He asked them about the life of Jesus. They all seemed happy to share, which is great. He says that the people's faces are all happy when theyre talking about Jesus. Then he says there are other faces of christianity. I.E. Charles Manson who claimed to be Jesus Christ and inspired his followers to kill 11 people.

 

My opinion- Of course we are happy to share about Jesus, after He gave his life for me, and saved me from death... I am more than happy, I am joyful to share my experiences and what I believe about Jesus. Charles Manson was not Jesus, he was crazy, possibly demon posessed. Who knows what was going through his mind and body when he did that.

 

His argument- He states in the documentary that the bible started as a fictional story and was transformed by people to become truth.

 

My opinion- Ever heard of the game telephone? Whisper a secret into someone's ear, then they whisper to someone else, by the time it gets to the end of the circle, the origional word and the end word are shared aloud.. they are usually two totally different things. Lets think about this though. He talked about some of the fictional stories on the internet that later became "based on a true story" type thing. Well, 99% of them are forgotten about as quickly as they come about. The bible, has survived over 2000 years, stating the same thing, the most popular book in the world... kind of puts it in perspective for me.

 

His argument- The passion of the Christ, by Mel Gibson is ONLY popular because it is bloody.

 

My opinion- The passion of the Christ, is so popular because it is the closest depiction of what really happened. It gives us a sense of the weight of how much Christ suffered to save us from our sins, and it puts it into perspective for us. It has nothing to do with blood.

 

His argument- Any religion that supports the de-humanization and mistreatment of homosexuals is wrong.

 

My opinion- I agree with him here, to an extent. I am not by any means saying I think its right to treat homosexual people wrong. I have many friends who are, and I at one point in my life made the choice to live that way as well. Here is my thought on it. The church, is stupid in this matter. IT IS NOT OUR JOB AS CHRISTIANS TO JUDGE, DE-HUMANIZE, OR MISTREAT HOMOSEXUALS, IT IS OUR JOB TO LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!!! The choices they make are theirs to make. Just like we have the choice to love and follow Jesus. How would you like it if someone judged, de-humanized, or mistreated you just because you believe in God?? Guarentee'd answer, you wouldnt! So if you are a person who claims christianity, stop acting in this way! Their choices are between them and God, just the same as your choices are between you and God. Your job, is only to love people. All people, not just the ones who think the same way you do... Now, on the other hand, it does say in the bible that homosexuality is a sin, "You are not to sleep with a man as with a woman; it is detestable." - Leviticus 18:22.  Also in 1 Corintians 6:9 of the NIV, and this being taken from the website http://www.biblegateway.com/-

1 Corinthians 6:9

New International Version (NIV)

⁹ Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a]

Footnotes:

1. 1 Corinthians 6:9 The words men who have sex with men translate two Greek words that refer to the passive and active participants in homosexual acts.

This is what the bible says. I agree with it, however, God still loves everyone! His heart is saddened by the actions of people, but that doesnt mean he still doesnt love them. I could go on for hours on this topic, but for my time and your times sake, lets move on.

 

His argument- There is no scientific evidence. It cannot be proven that Jesus is who he said he is.

 

My opinion- Thats why its called faith.

 

Lastly I leave you with a quote from the Doctor of a christian school, who was interviewed by Brian Flemming.

 

"The height of irresponisbility is to ignore the reality of God and to ignore the person of Jesus Christ" -Dr. Ronald Sipus

 

 

 

Discalimer: This is my opinion. I reccommend you check the data for yourself. The God who wasnt there can be checked out at the Multnomah County Library. In addition, check the bible. 

grattitude list

I am thankful for....

my family,
my house,
my cat,
the sunshine,
my bible,
my couch,
my phone,
blankets,
the sunshine,
my car,
paint,
flowers,
my teacups,
books,
my journal,
writing,
my fan,
shoes,
socks,
clothes,
medication,
ice,
cooking,
baking,
showers,
toilet paper..lol,
my job,
jewelry,
lotion,
makeup,
my tv,
light,
heat,
the rain,
sugar,
church,
candles,
soap....

And many more things. A simple list, things we take for granted everyday... I am truly thankful for all these things that make my life comfortable, convenient, and happy. When I am feeling down, I write a simple grattitude list like this one, to remember that I am blessed, I am happy, I am taken care of. God is good, and I know that no matter the crap I have been through in life, no matter the incredible amounts of pain I suffer from, I am truly blessed. Try it sometime :)

Chained...

She felt like she was barely able to breathe as she lay there. Her eyes still closed, she couldnt find the strength to open them. She felt the hard cement against her back, and the shooting pain up her spine from the offset slant in the table she was upon. She felt dizzy and disoriented, as she tried to lift her head, but couldnt. Next her arms and legs, but they seemed to be imobile, then she felt the tight squeeze of the chains tighten.... How did she get here? She couldnt remember much before, she remembered the life she had lived long before, but it felt like such a long time ago... almost like a dream. She didnt know how she had transformed from the happy life she once lived to this meek existence she now lived. She slowly blinked open her eyes, it was dim, but the light hanging above her was brighter than she expected. It burned her eyes, along with the dust in the air. She looked around and found tools hanging on the walls, tools for torture. She felt the cold bitterness inside the room matched her soul. All around her, she felt the presence of evil, lurking in the shadows... She could hear him slithering, and hissing at her. Whispering things in her ear. "You're fat, ugly, stupid, you will never do anything but lay on your back, I own you..." He hissed. She struggled to break free from the chains that seemed to hold her down, but there were too many. She lifted her head to find chains across her body, bound by giant locks. She was trapped, she struggled, but as she did she felt the chains tighten across her body. It was a suffocating feeling. One that made her yelp, it knocked the wind from her lungs. As she yelped, she jerked her head up and paused...There he was. This gentle, loving, kind, gracious being. He was full of light, He was weeping. She knew him from long ago, but now there was only coldness and bitterness in her soul toward him. As she studied him a bit longer, she noticed he was weeping. Not only weeping, but uncontrollably sobbing. She snapped at him, "Why are you crying?" in a harsh tone. His only reply, was barely audible through his sobbs. "My precious, let...me help...you." She thought to herself, 'how dare he' and bit at him, "NO! I dont need you!!!! I tried it your way and I got burned. Its all your fault. I dont need you! Leave me alone!!!" She laid her head back to rest for a moment, her skin burned from the tightening of the chains, and stung from the scratches embedded in her tender flesh. She was bruised nearly from head to toe, and she was full of anger. She thought back more, and tried to recall how she had ended up in this cave. Here with this being weeping over her, and evil slithering in the shadows. She found strength to lift her head again, and as she looked down over her bruised and broken body, she noticed each chain that tied her down had a label, made of metal, a heavy metal. Each label was engraved with one word. As she blinked to try to focus on the first one, she read it.. "Prostitution", the next one she read aloud "Drugs", and the next "Alcohol", "Sex", "Failure", "Fat" and so on... She saw the labels, and began to cry. She thought to herself, 'how did I let myself get here?!' She became angry, she struggled and pulled and kicked, screamed, and yelled, untill her strength left her. The chains tightened their grip on her. She was growing weak. She laid there, thinking back on the decisions that landed her here, chained up to a torture table, in a dungeon. She became angry, she fought the chains more, they won. Pain shot all through her tender body. She cried, and let out a scream. She raised her head again, looked at the being of light once again. He said to her through his weeping "My dear, all you have to say is help. All you have to say is help!" She screamed back at him. "NO!!! Leave me alone to die! What do you want with me anyway? Im not good for anything but laying on my back! I am fat, ugly, stupid, He owns me... I will buy my way out, I just need more time.  I just need to make more money, then I will be able to buy my freedom!" She didnt want to admit it, but she was scared. She was scared and lonely. She wanted nothing more than to be back where she was before. But she didnt know how, and she certainly couldnt leave. Not being chained up, only being let out to turn a trick, all the while being on a leash, then ripped back into the cave, thrown back on the table and chained up again. She was tired, weary, and ready to give up. She didnt want to do it anymore. Her life was miserable, she wanted to die. She wanted to run away and never come back. She didnt even know who she was anymore... She looked down again at this being of light and love, the hurt, pain and kindness in his eyes. He was silently pleading with her. He didnt have to say anything at that point, she knew he was begging. She started to grow more weary, and as she did, she looked to him. She struggled again, the chains tightened against her fragile body, and she felt a snap. She could barely breathe, she was dying, fear struck her body as she drew in a weak, shallow breath. As she exhaled, she mouthed the words, barely audible over the sound of his weeping sobbs, "Jesus, help." It didnt matter how low of a whispery squeak it was. His head popped up, and he smiled ever so gently. Wiped the tears from his face, rushed to her side, and in one swoop of his hand the chains flew through the air, and she was scooped up into his gentle arms. As she lay there, near lifeless, resting in his arms, her fight was finally over. She felt the strength of him, and somehow, she drew off of it. All she did was rest in his gentle and merciful arms, as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear. She felt her body slowly strengthen, she wasnt sure how it was happening, or what was really happening, but she felt a calm peace slowly come over her. She opened her eyes again, she was still in his arms, she looked up into his magnificent, kind face, and whispered the most precious words he ever heard. "Thank-you Jesus."

Journey of life...

I wrote this August 20, 2008. So I decided to post it. Enjoy!

the trail she walked was difficult. the first few steps were easy, then it started to get narrow.. there were rocks and twigs, and roots from trees coming out of the ground. as she carried on her legs began to burn from walking up the incline..it seemed to become more difficult to climb the hill as time went on. the trail became narrower and she wondered if she would ever make it to the top. as she continued her acsent up the mountain there were places along the trail where the trees were overgrown and hit her in the face with their branches, they left a stinging on her face and red marks where they had hit her. but she continued on. many times along the trail the trail split off in a Y she continued up the steep narrow path as the other trail led back down the mountain it was a wide trail, with cement steps that looked much easier to walk. the trees were trimmed back as to not hit her in the face, and the cement steps had been freshly swept so there were no twigs or rocks for her to lose her step on. but she continued up the trail..she wanted to see what lie ahead of her, and what it would look like from atop the mountain... she carried on, she was frightened as she looked to her left and saw that one small misstep would send her tumbling down the mountain, and she looked to her right into the side of the mountain that was straight up...she continued her journey up the mountain, her legs burning with anger at her for making the muscles stetch and work. she paused for a moment, she was thirsty, as she pulled out a bottle of water from her pack, she drank in the cool crisp water that seemed to refresh her and give her a new energy. she was ready to carry on, the burning in her legs was not as intense. as she trecked on she began to get weak, and she started to trip on the rocks and twigs. the branches seemed to be grabbing at her more, and she reached a place where blackberries grew, over the trail, it seemed to be more difficult..as the thorns grabbed her and ripped into her side, she had scratches and bruises from tripping and falling down on the hard rocks and twigs on this trail. she got through the first set of blackberry bushes and she paused for here stood not only a bigger bush of blackberries, but the road seemed steeper and there were more branches...as she stood on the trail, she couldnt go back down, nor did she think she could go any farther, she looked to her left and there was another Y in the trail, this path was even better than the one before. it was wider than the first, it had baby steps down, and it was even more trimmed than the first, with the feelings of pain and discomfort from the first set of bushes, she decided she could not continue up the trail. so she sarted the baby step trail down. it was so easy, and she felt as if she could do this all day long. as she walked down the hill, the steps began to go from baby steps to bigger steps down, but she didnt care.. anything was better than facing the trail she once bore. as she walked down further in the trail she noticed that there were people down there..as she had been alone on the other trail, she was finally with people, they were all going down the trail together. as she continued down the steps, it began to get dark, she became a bit uncomfortable with not having the son guiding her steps, but she was with other people and having a good time..as they continued down the trail into the darkness, she felt as if they were traveling into a deep dark cave and the walls were closing in.. the people she was with assured her this was the right way to go.. she began to feel scared and alone, eventhough she was surrounded by people. the walls continued to close in on her, it began to feel hot and muggy the air felt so thick that she couldnt get her breath, she thought she was going to die, she changed her mind and tried to walk back up the steps only to find a gate behind her, she was unable to get out. she was thirsty and reached in her pack for her bottle of water. she couldnt find it, it was gone as she searched and searched for it she found it nowhere. she felt the need to escape but didnt know how, so she continued down feeling that there would somewhere be a place of escape...but as she continued down deeper into the cave, she began to forget about the path she once walked and that there was ever a way to get out. as she continued on, and was barely able to breath as the moisture in the air had gotten so thick, she began to feel her breath slipping from her. she started to struggle, but found that there were chains that were holding her down.. she wasnt sure how they got there but she struggled to break free, she was tired of fighting for her life and remembered the trail she once traveled...finally out of desperation, she started screaming. she was crying for fear that no one could hear her.. she screamed once more, this time she screamed "help!!!" to her suprise the cave opened up at the top light was shinning in on her as a hand from above ripped the chains away and lifted her gently from the deep dark cave. her breath instantly came to her, she was sore and bruised with scratches all over her tired body. the hand gently set her down, she let out a sigh of relief... she looked around and found that she was on the trail she had origionally started on, except she was higher up on the trail, she was past the blackberry bushes and the thorns that had weakened her body. she felt relieved that she had been saved from the dark abyss.. she felt around in her pack and her water bottle was there, it had been there all along. she drank of the water and felt refreshed and ready to continue on her uphill journey. as she placed the bottle in her pack, she found that there were clippers for cutting branches and bushes that had thorns. she also found food for refreshment. she had forgotten that she had those tools all along. now well equipped she continued to the top of the hill. she continued to encounter bushes and twigs, but this time she cut them with the clippers rather than being scratched and bruised by them, some of the branches still hit her in the face and left a stinging mark, but the majority of the painful bushes she was able to remove with the proper equipment. as she carried on to the top of the mountain, it seemed to be a bit easier this time.. her legs still burned from the walk, but she was able to rest and find refreshment from her pack. as she walked, she saw people hanging on the side of the mountain, barely hanging on. she threw her rope down to them but they refused it and continued to struggle to hang on.. she cried for them, but they refused so she carried on... her scratches and bruises started to reside, and she found that after time where the scratches and cuts had been there was just scarring. as she reached the final stretch of the climb she noticed that the path became smoother, and the branches were no longer in her way. she noticed that the path turned from a dirt path to one covered in gold. as she walked she removed her shoes, then her pack for she didnt seem to need it anymore. for when she reached the top, there were people, there was food, there was water an everlasting supply. she noticed that there was a beautiful lake. she bathed in the lake, she ate the food and drank the water. she had fellowship with the people and she didnt feel alone. she heard the most beautiful music that was like nothing she had ever heard before. and out of the sky decended this being, she knew instantly it was God. she stood in awe, she couldnt speak He was so beautiful, peaceful, mighty, and gentle all in one. He enveloped the people in Him, and peace came over all, as the entire crowd of people started singing praises to Him, she opened her mouth and out came praises to God...she was happy, she was blessed, she was at peace, and she would live forever in eternity with this magnificent creature.. she would never hurt again.

belated mothers day blog

Well, let me start by saying happy mothers day to all the moms out there. I will say, this one has been pretty chill. The service at church last night made me cry, and I was blessed to spend time with my family. Today my cousin and his wife came over with their children, I love their little girl. She is precious and I am blessed everytime she comes over to me and says "bup" because she wants to get up on my lap or have me hold her :) anyway, after they left gram, pap and I watched half of a movie but it kept skipping, so we had to shut it off. Pap also did some repairs around my house, he fixed my shed door and stapled the molding back up in my spare room. I am so blessed to have a grampy who will take time out of his day to come over and fix stuff for his girl :) So, after they left too, I watched 2 more movies. One was pineapple express, which is just a movie about weed, and these two guys who get into a lot of trouble, but in the midst of it, Seth Rogan's charagter says how they arernt functional when theyre high which is all the time, I was so happy to hear that in a movie, it was like he had an epiphany about how lame it is to be high all the time. Of course, it was all in humor, and they quickly covered up the topic, but it was still good to see none-the-less. Especially in a movie thats all about smoking bud. Anyway, enough about that one. The other movie I watched was "Book of Eli". I finally sucked it up and watched it, I am glad I did too. I think they did such an amazing job of portraying the end times, the times after the rapture, and what the world will look like and function like after...well, of course it wont be exactly like that, at least I hope to never be here to find out! So that was good though, now its close to bedtime and I would post this blog tonight but my cpu wont connect to the internet, so I guess I will have to wait until it will let me connect again. Ugh...oh well. I guess I should really get to the reason I am writing this blog in the first place. I want to address 4 different catagories: mothers with children in heaven, mothers with children on earth, my mother, and my grandmother.

Mothers with children in heaven:You, are not alone. I dont care if you were blessed to know your child or if they were taken before you had the chance, like mine was. You are not alone either way. Children pass away every day, and on this mothers day, my heart is going out to mothers like myself, who have children, who ARE mothers, but dont get the credit because their children arent living. First I want to say, we who have lost children, think about them EVERY day. We have spent many days, and hours crying over the loss. We have suffered tremendous pain and agony during the loss, and during the healing process. We dont get recognition, because we dont have living children. We are looked over by many who know us, because we dont have children here on earth. Some of us never even got the privelage of meeting them, except when they were inside our womb. We dont get things like pictures, and clothes to hold on to and take in the smell. We dont have memories of them in our lives, only daydreams of what they could have been. Only the thought of what life could have been like with our baby in our arms. We, have a hard time with mother's day because we are moms too, we have sacrificed too, we have put forth tears for our children. Its just a different kind of tear, a different kind of worry (will I ever be able to have children? Whats wrong with me? What did I do wrong?) The questions have flooded us since the day we lost them, the lies enter our minds. Questions such as, why did this happen to me? Why do women who dont want their children get them, and I dont? Where did I go wrong? Did I let myself get too stressed out? Did I eat something, drink something, or take something that caused my baby to die inside of me? Did I sleep the wrong way? Did I put too much pressure on my abdomen? The questions flood the minds of mothers who have misscarried, or had stillborn children. We often times think that its something we did. Something I did caused me to lose my baby. People dont like to talk about death and such, so we come up with eupanism's...I had a misscarriage. Sounds so much better than saying my baby died inside of me. But for those of us who know the hurt and pain of this, and the feeling of deep emptiness inside, we know that this is just for people who dont understand. We have the "motherly instinct" I could sense there was something growing inside my body, a precious little seed. Just the same, I knew when it was gone. Not just by the copious amounts of blood I lost with him, but the feeling of having a baby inside me, was gone. It was such a sad day. Last night, I sat in church and as they did baby dedications, I burst into tears. I had thought I would be okay, I had thought I wouldnt need to cry anymore, afterall, it had been a year and a half since I lost my little Aiden. But, none-the-less, when they started the baby dedications, I became a blubbering fool. Tears, streaming down my face in a very annoying way, as my quiet sobs filled the ears of the people next to me. A kind hand on my shoulder from my cousin. No one had to say anything, they knew, and I knew. It caught me off guard, partially because if my son had lived, her would be about the age I would be dedicating him. Ouch. So, I tell you all this not to bring a downer kind of feeling, or to discount moms who have their children. I just want to let people know that, if you have a friend who has had a miscarriage, or stillborn child. Wish them a happy mother's day too. Let them know that you count them as a mom, because they are mothers. As women, when we conceive, our bodies instantly become mothers. They start making transitions, and shifts in the chemicals and hormones. We are moms, who are not moms. If you are the mother of a child in heaven that was taken from you before you had a chance to know them, and you havent already, name them. You dont know if it was a boy or girl? Thats just an excuse, a mother always knows. Think about it deep in your heart, what feeling do you have about your child you lost? Was it a boy or a girl? I knew mine was a boy. I named him Aiden Zacharias which means "the fiery little one, remembered by God." So, ladies, mothers with children in heaven, name your baby. You have every right, and it helps make them more of a real child than just something that came out of you...dont be afraid to let them be real. Process the loss, and if you can and havent already, I reccomend finding a grief share program, it helped me a lot to process the loss of my baby boy. Blessings to you fellow, unrecognized mothers with babies in heaven.

Mothers with children on earth:Well, what can I say to you but happy mother's day! Moms make the world go around :) you have to be a strong and corageous woman to raise a child. It is no small feat, it is no small task. It is a long term commitment, and whether you were ready for it or not, whether it was your decision or not, you are strong. Motherhood has to be one of the toughest things to do in a womans life, yet so rewarding that it makes you smile. Mother's make all kind of sacrifices for their children. They are amazing at it, and I am amazed sometimes to see everything they go through, the worry, the guilt of things they have done that they think has messed up their childs lives. Mom's, you make mistakes, you have and you will. But, what matters is who you are in the mean time. Everyone makes mistakes, and its NOT your fault for the way your children will or have turned out. They have to make their own choices, make their own mistakes. Your job as a mother is to love them unconditionally, and show them how to always run to Jesus. If you do those two things, you will never fail. God has designed us in that way. Happy mothers day, and I hope you are blessed!

My grandmother:Grammy, you have truly been amazing! I dont know what else to say about it. As far as grams' go, youre it, youre amazing and I love you tons! You have been there for me in hard times when other people werent, you have pulled out the "protective gram" side of you when other's put me down, and I truly and fully appreciate it! You have been my rescuer in times of need, I know that if I ever need you, day or night, all it takes is one phone call and you will be there. You are a true picture of sacrifice! You love all your grandkids the same, and you always take care of us. I always know that if I am having a bad day I can call, or show up on your doorstep and you will welcome me in, no questions, or reservations, you drop everything and take care of me. I know all your grandkids feel the same, and I speak for us all when I say we all love your more than you could know! You have shown us how to love eachother, in a kind way, and gram, I miss our late night walks... I miss getting home and bugging you until you give in and go for a walk with me :) I loved those times we shared, I am blessed by God to have my own place now, but I am sad I dont see you everyday, and I think it makes me charish you more. Man, I love you gramma, and I always will tell everyone how amazing you are <3 you are a true picture of love and sacrifice and you have, in my opinion, gone above and beyond the call of a grandmother! In my case especially! You have done things no grandmother should have to do for their grandchildren, I have put you in situations that have been hard, and heartbreaking to you, but you still show up, you still love me, and you still care. I love you gramma, thanks for sacrificing. I always know, that I am one of the 12 most important people in your life. Love you tons!

To my mother:Oh mother may I, where do I start? You, are an amazing, strong, loving, faithful woman. You showed me how to love, how to run to Jesus, amongst all the other things you taught me... How much have we been through together? More than I can, or would want to write on this blog thats for sure! People dont understand our relationship. They dont get why we are so close, they dont understand our bond as mother and daughter. Its desired by a lot of people I know, and I feel sorry for them that they dont have that bond, but I am happy that we do, I am blessed beyond recognition of the love you and I share. We have been through the ringer, to hell and back, and you have always stood by my side, supported me in things that were whole and pure and true, and talked me out of crazy ideas. I know you blame yourself for a lot of my choices, but mom, they were MY choices, not yours. You think things like "If only I hadnt done this, said that, or acted that way then maybe she wouldnt have..." Mom, I know that I can probably never tell you enough times, but its NOT your fault. The decisions I made and make every day, are not your fault! I made my own decisions, and though I allow your influence in my life, the bad decisions I have made were my thing. The things you can take credit for, are things like showing me how to love everyone, not just the "pretty people", showing me how to ALWAYS run to Jesus, though sometimes I still run to other things (by my choice), you taught me that it is NEVER too late to come back into Jesus' arms. You, are an incredible and amazing woman, and it hurt my heart every day to have to watch you go through chemo, but you made it out! you made it to the other side, and you are more beautiful every day! God has truly made you a special, and amazing woman. Do you know how many times, I have heard people say to me "I wish my mom was like yours" or "I wish I had your mom." See, mom, other people can say they have the best mom in the world, but no offense to them or their moms, I truly got the best one there is... The statements I have heard in my life about how amazing you are, and how many people wish they had moms more like you, it confirms in my heart that my saying that I got the best mom in the world was never JUST a biased statement, its true, because other people have said it. Mom, you taught me how to live, how to love, how to process, and how to be a woman after Gods own heart. You may have made a few mistakes here and there, but you have taught me everything I need to know in this life. I was thinking about something last night at church, I was thinking about how it must be hard for you to know that on mothers day, when I am supposed to be honoring you, I am pouting over the loss of my child, instead of being thankful for what I do have, an AMAZING mom! I want to apologize to you for that, because I do charish you more than you could know. You are my hero, you have been my role model, and people dont have to understand it, because its not their life. If they have a problem with our closeness, our bond, then they can just mind their own business... Sometimes, I feel like I am never going to be as good of a person as you, you have your head on straight, you trust God, and yes, I know I am putting you on a pedistal right now, and I'm sorry, but you truly are the best mom in the entire world, you have not only shared the good times and bad, but you have loved me through it all. I have one more thing to say before I log off. Mom, I am sorry to you for everything I put you through in 2007, when you were sick and barely hanging on, I was needy, I was selfish, and I ran off and left instead of taking care of you. I know that you didnt need me to because you had ken there, but I still feel bad about that. I put you through more heartache than I should have. You never knew what I was doing or if I would be okay. Mom, for those days, I am sorry. I love you more than you know, and I dont know, but even these words on the computer seem just blank to me, they feel hollow, like the words I am saying dont even have any umph to them. Either way, mom, I love you, and I want you to know that you are pretty much the most important person in my life today. You, and guy..lol, he thinks he's a person anyway.... I love you, and happy mother's day. <3

10...20......60?

So, its 9:30pm and I have currently been up for 36 hours. I did take a short hour and a half snooze at 9 this morning, but it was short lived. It did however give me enough energy, along with eating apples, to get through the day.. I tell you, eating an apple will keep you awake better than a cup of coffee without all the nasty side effects of coffee :) That just a side note though. Anyway, I am pretty sure I am going into a manic phase, at least thats how it feels. Considering I have been awake for 36 hours and I am not really feeling any more tired than I think I would if I had a full night of sleep last night. I know earlier I was like a zombie, but right now I feel pretty good...maybe thats just all the caffine and apple's running through my veins though..lol. Either way, here I am. I am awake and I know I wrote a blog just last night, but I have been known to write some pretty honest things late at night when I am beat to a pulp by the day. Well, lets get on with it shall we?

Math. There it is again, this stupid thing that doesnt seem to understand. I dont like math, I never have and I doubt I ever will! I got 43/50 on my quiz that I received back today and that was extremely frustrating. I have tried so hard to get good grades, and I feel like 43/50 is a failure. Call me a perfectionist if you want to, but the truth of the matter is, I just want to be good enough to get into the right school when its time to transfer. I want to be that "top of my class" person. I'm not saying I have to be perfect, but I currently have a 4.0 gpa, I have NEVER had a 4.0 gpa before in my life. It feels good to be a straight A student. Even if I did have to start in math 10. I dont care. It is what it is and people can make fun of me all they want, but I am terrible at math. I feel like so far I have been keeping up fairly well, but the last couple classes I have felt like I am starting to lose it. We are starting to get into stuff I dont understand, and I am trying to pay attention, ask for help and I even have a study buddy. But it doesnt seem to be enough. I am so frustrated, today I asked my teacher a few questions about the quiz that I didnt do so well on, and he answered them in a hurried way, then other students were coming up to talk to him and I was ready to cry so I just thanked him for the help and walked away. I know that a lot of my emotion is coming from the fact that I didnt sleep last night, but it still brings up those old feelings. The ones that tell me I'm stupid because I dont understand. The ones that tell me, I will never get it and I should just give up. I think that part of me feels like I am not being heard in my "cry" for help to my teacher. Like the abandonment issues from when I was little, left alone to have the crap beat out of me, are impacting my feelings about math. Heh, not really two things that would seem to go together...Like really? How can I feel abandoned from a math teacher. I just feel like the class is moving along faster than I am ready for. Like, really. Why isnt there a math class between 20 and 60?! There should be. For people like me who just take a little extra time to learn this stuff. I just get so frustrated sometimes with math and stupid things like significant digits... It was all I could do today to walk out of class without crying! I think people thought I was pissed off, but I was really just trying to hold back tears until I got in my car..... I have a plan... My study buddy and I are going to get together to go over some of this stuff more, and before class on Thursday, when we have our exam I am going to see the teacher during his office hours and see if he can explain a few things to me that I didnt get the first time. I know that I just need to communicate to him that I still dont fully understand, and that I am trying.. Maybe even shoot for some extra credit. Hopefully I can pull an A out of this class, even if its an A-. I think anything less than that and I will probably feel like a failure. Majorly.

I know, people are probably going to tell me that I'm smart, that I can do it. But, somehow in the midst of it all.. it never seems to matter. I know the answers, I know what steps I need to take, I know that I have the ability and that right now its just pissing me off and frustrating me to the point of tears, but thats why I'm even writing this in the first place. To vent. To get it off my chest, so that I can go to bed, sleep like a rock without a care in the world, wake up in the morning and do the next right thing. Right now, I just needed to get this all out there. Well, its 10pm, and my eyes are starting to get a smidgen on the heavy side. I'm pretty sure things will look better in the morning, but for now, I'm going to get some sleep.

I never planned to...

Well, I didnt plan on writing a blog tonight, but, here I am. I figured since have one and a half years clean and sober today, I might as well. So, to start off, today has been a good day. Eventhough I am tired, and just got off work a bit ago, and I'm opening in the morning. Its a good day. I totally forgot today was my 1 1/2 yr milestone in recovery until I was talking to a friend at work. Was a pretty good conversation. So, lets jump into the topic shall we?

I never planned to be a 26 year old divorcee. I never planned to be counting up clean and sober days. I never planned to have a son in heaven. I never planned to be bruitally raped. I never planned to be molested when I was a baby, or again when I was 4. I never planned to pick up a bottle of pills at 13 years old, or a bottle of alcohol, cigarette, and joint when I was 22. I never planned to binge, purge and starve myself for close to 10 years. I never planned to have a career of prostituion behind me. I never planned to watch my mom and grandpa go through chemo therapy. I never planned to be in a car accident and have back surgery because of it. I never planned any of these things, or any of the other horrible things that have happened in life. But today, its all part of my story, plus so much more. So, I never planned these things, but they have happened nonetheless, so now what?

I may not have planned any of these things, but God will use them for good. He makes all things work together for my good. That doesnt mean that life will be easy. It doesnt mean that I will never have problems, but it does mean that God will take care of me, and the blessings will be poured out! I may be a 26 year old divorcee, but God never planned on me marrying him in the first place. I believe He has someone out there for me who will be better for me than even I could imagine.

I may be counting clean and sober days because for over 10 years I relied on pills, booze and bud to relieve me of my emotional pain. But God is using it for good, He is teaching me how to live again. Through the recovery programs I am part of. I can share my experience, strength and hope. At least I have one and a half miraculous years of time that I havent used or drank! Amazing :)

Though my precious Aiden Zacharias is in heaven, God has promised to give me another son. Someday, I will know what its like to carry a precious baby for the full 9 months. Someday, because God has promised me, and I believe him.

I certainly never planned on being bruitally raped by 3 people, but through my being raped and recovering from the incident, I am able to speak into other women's lives. To give them hope that they can get through it and come out on the other side, still living. That its not the end of the world, no matter how bad it feels at the time. The flashbacks will get less powerful over time, and they will be able to go on another day. It wasnt my choice to be molested when I was a baby, or to always know that I was somehow different than other little girls my age. I always knew that I wasnt the same as them. I always knew that sexually, I was different. That something wasnt right, I always knew that. But never knew what until the truth was revealed.

When 13 hit, and the surgery on my right foot happened. They gave my my first bottle of precious vicodin. Wow, that stuff was amazing. I never planned to continue taking it, but I was hooked from the first pill. Man, it was good stuff.

I never planned to be a fat kid, or to start starving myself (that one took extra determination and will power, because I loved food SO much!) or to start binging and urging. That was a hard one, but Iwasnt as bad as the girls on t.v. because they had a problem, and I didnt. I could control it and I could stop any time I wanted. I just didnt want to. Until before I knew it, the eating disorders ran my life. But God has used me for good in that as well. Obviously, I dont have a problem with starving myself anymore lol.

Picking up the bottle, a cigarette, and a joint when I was 22. Well, I may not have planned that, but I did it nonetheless. Pills werent accessible at that time, so I decided to try something different. Look where that got me, jobless, prostituting to make money, raped.. all those things and more were the product of my choice to pick up the booze and bud. God is continuting to use me in that too. Ever wonder why I love the color pink so much? Tony spoke it over me at a retreat, November 2009. Pink is made from red (fire for God) and White (purity) This has been the spark of my whole ministry. Pure Fire Ministries. Yep, I'm actually gonna do it! With Gods help of course, and I am so excited to see where he leads :) anyway, God is using me to show women that purity can be restored. I felt so dirty, like damaged goods, used, unwanted, unlovable for so long. Now, I am lovable, I am wanted, desired, and I am as good as new. All these are things God has done for me :)

Mom and grampa went through chemo. Well, that was a hard one. But, now I can talk to other women and girls whose mothers get diagnosed with cancer. Its not easy to watch. Wishing I could have done something, but because I couldnt, because I had no control. I drank and smoked it all away. But guess what, when I sobered up...the problem was still there.

Chronic pain, car accident, back surgery. That one I definitely didnt plan! My life was changed in an instant. A whole year and a half when most days all I could do was lay in the chair because I was in so much pain. Surgery that probably cost me a promotion. However, think of this. I was told by the doctor that I would be on pain pills for 6 months or more. I was only on them for 3 weeks. I was told it would be 8 to 9 months before I would be back to my normal life. I went hiking 4 weeks after surgery! How incredible is that?! If hiking isnt normal life, I dont know what is :)

These things are all just a part of my story. I am no more stronger than the next person. I owe my life to Jesus. He is my strength, and my shield. If it werent for God who knows where I would be or what I would be doing by now. Heck, I would probably be dead. Probably would have overdosed like a few of my close friends did.. sad for them, and I miss them so much. I am blessed. I own a house, I have an awesome fat cat :) I am back in school to get my education, I have a job when most of the world is unemployed. Yeah, I am tremendously blessed. So, what do I have to complain about? Aside from every day chronic pain, and a past full of crap... nothing, because I am blessed :)

I am so very excited to see what God does with the Pure Fire Ministry! I am along for the ride :) I will continue to walk in Gods grace. He has led me this far, and he is not going to leave me hanging I am truly blessed, and truly thankful to have the programs, and my sobriety :)

Now, if only these airplanes would stop flying over my house at all hours of the night! I guess thats what i get for living under their flight path to PDX lol. Such is life!

Bon nuit :)

look a little closer

Cool and collected,
Thats the vibe he puts off.
His insides protected.
From all the people who scoff.

When I look a little closer,
I see the fears
I see in his soul,
its collected from all the years.

From the outside,
funny and charming he is
But when I look a little closer,
to the surface rise the insecurites.

He tries to hide,
beneath his pride
but broken he is
just wanting to live.

He knows theres more
to life than this
his mind and spirit soar
to find out what it is

Living this life,
one day at a time
running from strife
looking for signs

to point him in the right direction
and show him that theres nothing left
always in the wrong section
being a victim to theft.

Cool and collected,
but when I look a little closer,
I see the fear
built from all the years.

The tears he should have cried
but inside
he lied.

Subject to rejection,
he gets back up
to once again
try his luck.

When I look a little closer
I can see him searching
for something thats real
he needs to heal..

Inside he knows the truth,
deep down...like in a booth
the one in the white gown,
waits for him in his youth.

Someday, he'll figure it out
then he'll scream and shout
from the rooftops, he will
with joy, God's paid his bill.

Such a beautiful gift,
for one, or all
it wouldnt have mattered
after the fall.

"Accept it,
he loves you
He'll save you from the pit
and make you new."

Thats what they say
to the man with no name
we'll call him Ray,
its all the same.

Yes, cool and collected he is
but when I look a little closer,
the gift is his.

Unfiltered freewrite~

The sunshine was out today, what a treat :) especially after the whole 20 or 30 some odd days we had of rain...ba humbag! Not anymore :) it was beautiful today, such a blessing!! I thoroughly enjoyed it... As a result, today was a pretty good pain day, I wasnt hurting as bad as normal and that is why I so desperately want to move to the desert someday..lol. Not anytime soon, but someday. The start of spring when the sun starts coming out always brings a few flashbacks with it. Today I had a flashback of when I was raped, it wasn't a fun one. On a good note, it didnt throw me into a panic attack so thats a plus. I guess you could say I'm being optimistic... or my writing on a chalk board would curve up toward the ceiling as my math teacher would say... lol. Anyway, mr fatty cat is super cute sleeping on the couch next to me, and oh my its 12:28 am.. goodness, I better get to bed soon, otherwise Im not going to want to get up in the morning. The heater just kicked on, and its noisy. And windy. My fingers are cold, as are my feet. brrr.... lol. Root beer is delicious, and I think I ate too many potato chips tonight. Bible study was awesome, and we had some great conversations, met with my leaders tonight to check in with them and see where theyre at, and oh man.. I have so much to get done, its not even funny. My list is about 14 pages long, but not on paper, no way! lol..its all in my head, and thats a scary, scattered mess! No wonder I forget to do so many things, I really should get better organized. Gata is playing with my windchime that Mike gave me for my birthday, lol.. she's such a brat sometimes. He told me to hang it outside, but the weather here is crazy.. so I hung it inside, but now I kind of feel like cheesy trailer trash, lol...who hangs wind chimes inside?! This one does, aparently. lol. I did a mask tonight, a little self pampering, but my back is killing me... Is it really pampering if you finish with more pain than you started? lol..well at least my nails are done, I got a mask done and whitened my teeth :) oh, and I cleaned my ring, it needed it badly. and now it sparkles :) Im starting to get sleepy... This has been a totally random freewrite! Hope you enjoyed the messed up, scattered, jumping around my mind.

Forgiveness, amends, letting go, moving on.

Well that sucks...lol, I just wrote a whole blog entry. Then tried to post it and it deleted it instead. This second go-around might not be as good, but everything happens for a reason right? Lets hope so...

So, the topic? Forgiveness, amends, letting go, and moving on.

Forgiveness...How do you forgive someone who took something from you that you can never get back? How do you tell them it's ok? How do you tell them that you excuse their actions when they have done something, said something, or took something? In one definition I found online, it says that forgiveness is to renounce anger or resentment. Hmm... That sounds like it has more to do with me than the other person... How do you renounce anger or resentment? I am angry at the kid who rear ended us and changed my life forever. I resent the people who bruitally raped me and took something I can never get back. I am angry that my son didnt get to live, and I resent the women who dont want their children and get to have them anyway. Like the lady who would come into work almost every day and get a 4 shot mocha, then sit outside and chain smoke. I resent her, because she got to have a baby. Not fair. But lets look at the other side of these situations.... Maybe, the kid who rear ended us had just gotten some bad news, maybe he only took his eyes off the road for a second. God knows I have done that many times, and almost crashed, but didnt... God knew I would bounce back from a bruital rape, now I am NOT saying God intended me to be raped, or that He allowed it. But he did know that I could "handle" it. He knew that I would use it for good later on, he knew I would help other women get through that same thing... God knew I wasnt ready for a baby. I cant imagine what my life would be like if I had a two year old running around... And, lets think about the caffine drinking, chain smoking lady... Maybe her baby was stillborn, and she was given the ok to smoke and drink because the baby was already dead? Sad thought, but I shouldnt judge her... God has forgiven me of so much! So many worse things than these.... I think I can learn to let go of my anger and resentment... Afterall, it doesnt effect the other people... it effects me. It effects my moods, and my healing process. I guess theres a lot to it, but thats just a bit. I dont have the right to judge people, and I certainly dont know what theyre going through. Why be angry with someone? It says in the bible, dont let the sun go down on your anger... But how many times have I gone to bed hating the kid who hit us? How many hundreds of days have I resented, and been angry? Kinda makes me think...gut check.

Amends... Ah yess, those fun things... lol. Well, I will say they're not as hard as they used to be.. Well some of them anyway. I gave an amend just yesterday. It was a big one, and it was time consuming and sucked the energy right out of me. I needed to do it though. In Matthew 5 it talks about if you are standing at the alter and realize someone has something against you, leave the alter and go and be reconciled to that person, then return to offer your sacrifice. How true does that statement ring? Very, for me... Wow, how many times have I been at the alter offering my heart as a "sacrifice" to God, and still known that there were people out there who had something against me? Probably more than I can count. Not to say that they will always accept my amend, because often times people dont. People dont always react the way we want them to.. Its hard enough to go to someone admit that I made a mistake and apologize for it. How embarrassing, how humbling! Knowing that I screwed up..lol, you mean I'm not perfect?!?! Jk, jk...lol. Its hard to admit I was wrong, but I do it for me, not for them. I do it so I can sleep at night. How much better would the world be if everyone apologized when they realized they had made a mistake?! What a mind boggling thought. Of course that is just never gonna happen, but a girl can dream can't she? lol... One person at a time.. Making amends is important to my sobriety and mental health in general. If I dont make amends for something stupid I did, then I sit annoyed with myself, trying to ignore my idiocy...the only problem is that no matter where I go, there I am... huh. Interesting thought...lol. Wherever I go, there I am... The only way for me to get rid of that idiodic move I made is to present it to the person it was agains and ask forgiveness...hmm, interesting concept.. Like I said earlier, people dont always accept the apology, but I dont do it for them... I do it for me.

Letting go...hmmm, lol. Letting go means truly trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will... Well, thats a big bite to chew on. You mean I actually have to TRUST God? Wholeheartedly?! I mean I trust God with most things... I trust him with keeping me safe, and providing for my needs (most of the time)... But things like my future, my relationships.. Those are too big of things for me to let go of. Theyre too much for me to let God handle alone.... did I just say that?! lol... Like God can't handle it? Like he's not bigger than the universe. Like he's not so big that we as humans cant even comprehend? Lol...God cant handle it, thats funny. But if I let go that means I cant control it anymore... Yeah. That means that as soon as I let go, God can pick it up... He can work miracles, He can do anything... He is God afterall..lol. Letting go of the hurt that person caused me. Letting go of the anger in my heart. Letting go of the resentments I hold on to... Hmm, those are heavy bags.. Maybe if I let go and let God carry them for a while I will be more rested, more free to run, have more energy and not have to worry about all that stuff... I just got a really cool picture... ok, So me and God are walking up a mountain. I am carrying like 12 bags, big ones! I have 2 in each hand, one on each shoulder, I have fashioned a belt with rope to hold bags around my waist, I am even balancing one on my head! Not to mention the rope I have around my neck that leads back to a sled I am pulling... and on the sled guess what! There are more bags, piled high, barely balancing... All the while, God is walking next to me free hands, and saying "Mindy. Can I take some of that? Can I carry some of it for a while? You look tired, here, let me help. Thats a lot of stuff you're holding on to..." My response is "No, its ok..I got it. I don't want to burden you with all my crap. All these bags are mine, and I can carry them." After going on like this for a while, I become so tired that I finally say to God "Ok, you can have some of it." I hand it over and He doesnt even struggle with it. He is so strong that ALL of the bags I was struggling with, he carries with ease.. And I am so much lighter. I can run and jump and skip up the mountain. All the while God is there with me, bearing the load with ease. Not only is he carrying everything, the freedom for me is incredible, and He is also looking ahead. Saying "Watch out for that rock." and "Don't get to close to the edge." What a cool picture of letting go huh? He is there with us and He can handle it :) So why not let go? Why not give it all to God and let Him carry it? Afterall, He is God...

Moving on... heh, pun :-D lol... Ok, so what do I do now that I have forgiven, made the amend, and let go? Move on! Dwelling on the past is no bueno! Where is it going to get me? I was recently told that God would be closing a chapter in my life. That it would be time to start a new chapter and that would bring new blessings, new provision. I didnt really know what that meant until yesterday. But I get it now. I have the clarification. Move on with life, whats done is done. Its in the past. Its time to move forward, into the "inheritance" God has. Its time to let go of the past, and walk through the door of mercy, grace and forgiveness, and into Gods loving arms. He has promised to prosper us as His children. He never said times would be easy, so often I get mad and ask God why things happen. Why did you do this God? Why did you let this happen? But He never once promised us that life would be easy, in fact He said it would be hard. He said that they persecuted him, therefore they would persecute us. How true do these things ring today? So very true! But, in the end, He DOES make all things work together for my good, and your good. We are his children, His beloved. He wants nothing more than to be in perfect fellowship with us. He wants us to forgive our fellow, amend the ones we have wronged, let go of our baggage, and move on into His plan and will for our lives... I don't know about you, but I am sure going to give it one hell of a shot. Lol... Yeah, I said it.

Well, this one is definitely longer than the first one I wrote... I guess things do happen for a reason... Well, perhapse some of this blog was cliche, but whatever... it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Its now 12:08 am, and I am going to bed! Bon nuit :)