I never planned to...

Well, I didnt plan on writing a blog tonight, but, here I am. I figured since have one and a half years clean and sober today, I might as well. So, to start off, today has been a good day. Eventhough I am tired, and just got off work a bit ago, and I'm opening in the morning. Its a good day. I totally forgot today was my 1 1/2 yr milestone in recovery until I was talking to a friend at work. Was a pretty good conversation. So, lets jump into the topic shall we?

I never planned to be a 26 year old divorcee. I never planned to be counting up clean and sober days. I never planned to have a son in heaven. I never planned to be bruitally raped. I never planned to be molested when I was a baby, or again when I was 4. I never planned to pick up a bottle of pills at 13 years old, or a bottle of alcohol, cigarette, and joint when I was 22. I never planned to binge, purge and starve myself for close to 10 years. I never planned to have a career of prostituion behind me. I never planned to watch my mom and grandpa go through chemo therapy. I never planned to be in a car accident and have back surgery because of it. I never planned any of these things, or any of the other horrible things that have happened in life. But today, its all part of my story, plus so much more. So, I never planned these things, but they have happened nonetheless, so now what?

I may not have planned any of these things, but God will use them for good. He makes all things work together for my good. That doesnt mean that life will be easy. It doesnt mean that I will never have problems, but it does mean that God will take care of me, and the blessings will be poured out! I may be a 26 year old divorcee, but God never planned on me marrying him in the first place. I believe He has someone out there for me who will be better for me than even I could imagine.

I may be counting clean and sober days because for over 10 years I relied on pills, booze and bud to relieve me of my emotional pain. But God is using it for good, He is teaching me how to live again. Through the recovery programs I am part of. I can share my experience, strength and hope. At least I have one and a half miraculous years of time that I havent used or drank! Amazing :)

Though my precious Aiden Zacharias is in heaven, God has promised to give me another son. Someday, I will know what its like to carry a precious baby for the full 9 months. Someday, because God has promised me, and I believe him.

I certainly never planned on being bruitally raped by 3 people, but through my being raped and recovering from the incident, I am able to speak into other women's lives. To give them hope that they can get through it and come out on the other side, still living. That its not the end of the world, no matter how bad it feels at the time. The flashbacks will get less powerful over time, and they will be able to go on another day. It wasnt my choice to be molested when I was a baby, or to always know that I was somehow different than other little girls my age. I always knew that I wasnt the same as them. I always knew that sexually, I was different. That something wasnt right, I always knew that. But never knew what until the truth was revealed.

When 13 hit, and the surgery on my right foot happened. They gave my my first bottle of precious vicodin. Wow, that stuff was amazing. I never planned to continue taking it, but I was hooked from the first pill. Man, it was good stuff.

I never planned to be a fat kid, or to start starving myself (that one took extra determination and will power, because I loved food SO much!) or to start binging and urging. That was a hard one, but Iwasnt as bad as the girls on t.v. because they had a problem, and I didnt. I could control it and I could stop any time I wanted. I just didnt want to. Until before I knew it, the eating disorders ran my life. But God has used me for good in that as well. Obviously, I dont have a problem with starving myself anymore lol.

Picking up the bottle, a cigarette, and a joint when I was 22. Well, I may not have planned that, but I did it nonetheless. Pills werent accessible at that time, so I decided to try something different. Look where that got me, jobless, prostituting to make money, raped.. all those things and more were the product of my choice to pick up the booze and bud. God is continuting to use me in that too. Ever wonder why I love the color pink so much? Tony spoke it over me at a retreat, November 2009. Pink is made from red (fire for God) and White (purity) This has been the spark of my whole ministry. Pure Fire Ministries. Yep, I'm actually gonna do it! With Gods help of course, and I am so excited to see where he leads :) anyway, God is using me to show women that purity can be restored. I felt so dirty, like damaged goods, used, unwanted, unlovable for so long. Now, I am lovable, I am wanted, desired, and I am as good as new. All these are things God has done for me :)

Mom and grampa went through chemo. Well, that was a hard one. But, now I can talk to other women and girls whose mothers get diagnosed with cancer. Its not easy to watch. Wishing I could have done something, but because I couldnt, because I had no control. I drank and smoked it all away. But guess what, when I sobered up...the problem was still there.

Chronic pain, car accident, back surgery. That one I definitely didnt plan! My life was changed in an instant. A whole year and a half when most days all I could do was lay in the chair because I was in so much pain. Surgery that probably cost me a promotion. However, think of this. I was told by the doctor that I would be on pain pills for 6 months or more. I was only on them for 3 weeks. I was told it would be 8 to 9 months before I would be back to my normal life. I went hiking 4 weeks after surgery! How incredible is that?! If hiking isnt normal life, I dont know what is :)

These things are all just a part of my story. I am no more stronger than the next person. I owe my life to Jesus. He is my strength, and my shield. If it werent for God who knows where I would be or what I would be doing by now. Heck, I would probably be dead. Probably would have overdosed like a few of my close friends did.. sad for them, and I miss them so much. I am blessed. I own a house, I have an awesome fat cat :) I am back in school to get my education, I have a job when most of the world is unemployed. Yeah, I am tremendously blessed. So, what do I have to complain about? Aside from every day chronic pain, and a past full of crap... nothing, because I am blessed :)

I am so very excited to see what God does with the Pure Fire Ministry! I am along for the ride :) I will continue to walk in Gods grace. He has led me this far, and he is not going to leave me hanging I am truly blessed, and truly thankful to have the programs, and my sobriety :)

Now, if only these airplanes would stop flying over my house at all hours of the night! I guess thats what i get for living under their flight path to PDX lol. Such is life!

Bon nuit :)