10...20......60?

So, its 9:30pm and I have currently been up for 36 hours. I did take a short hour and a half snooze at 9 this morning, but it was short lived. It did however give me enough energy, along with eating apples, to get through the day.. I tell you, eating an apple will keep you awake better than a cup of coffee without all the nasty side effects of coffee :) That just a side note though. Anyway, I am pretty sure I am going into a manic phase, at least thats how it feels. Considering I have been awake for 36 hours and I am not really feeling any more tired than I think I would if I had a full night of sleep last night. I know earlier I was like a zombie, but right now I feel pretty good...maybe thats just all the caffine and apple's running through my veins though..lol. Either way, here I am. I am awake and I know I wrote a blog just last night, but I have been known to write some pretty honest things late at night when I am beat to a pulp by the day. Well, lets get on with it shall we?

Math. There it is again, this stupid thing that doesnt seem to understand. I dont like math, I never have and I doubt I ever will! I got 43/50 on my quiz that I received back today and that was extremely frustrating. I have tried so hard to get good grades, and I feel like 43/50 is a failure. Call me a perfectionist if you want to, but the truth of the matter is, I just want to be good enough to get into the right school when its time to transfer. I want to be that "top of my class" person. I'm not saying I have to be perfect, but I currently have a 4.0 gpa, I have NEVER had a 4.0 gpa before in my life. It feels good to be a straight A student. Even if I did have to start in math 10. I dont care. It is what it is and people can make fun of me all they want, but I am terrible at math. I feel like so far I have been keeping up fairly well, but the last couple classes I have felt like I am starting to lose it. We are starting to get into stuff I dont understand, and I am trying to pay attention, ask for help and I even have a study buddy. But it doesnt seem to be enough. I am so frustrated, today I asked my teacher a few questions about the quiz that I didnt do so well on, and he answered them in a hurried way, then other students were coming up to talk to him and I was ready to cry so I just thanked him for the help and walked away. I know that a lot of my emotion is coming from the fact that I didnt sleep last night, but it still brings up those old feelings. The ones that tell me I'm stupid because I dont understand. The ones that tell me, I will never get it and I should just give up. I think that part of me feels like I am not being heard in my "cry" for help to my teacher. Like the abandonment issues from when I was little, left alone to have the crap beat out of me, are impacting my feelings about math. Heh, not really two things that would seem to go together...Like really? How can I feel abandoned from a math teacher. I just feel like the class is moving along faster than I am ready for. Like, really. Why isnt there a math class between 20 and 60?! There should be. For people like me who just take a little extra time to learn this stuff. I just get so frustrated sometimes with math and stupid things like significant digits... It was all I could do today to walk out of class without crying! I think people thought I was pissed off, but I was really just trying to hold back tears until I got in my car..... I have a plan... My study buddy and I are going to get together to go over some of this stuff more, and before class on Thursday, when we have our exam I am going to see the teacher during his office hours and see if he can explain a few things to me that I didnt get the first time. I know that I just need to communicate to him that I still dont fully understand, and that I am trying.. Maybe even shoot for some extra credit. Hopefully I can pull an A out of this class, even if its an A-. I think anything less than that and I will probably feel like a failure. Majorly.

I know, people are probably going to tell me that I'm smart, that I can do it. But, somehow in the midst of it all.. it never seems to matter. I know the answers, I know what steps I need to take, I know that I have the ability and that right now its just pissing me off and frustrating me to the point of tears, but thats why I'm even writing this in the first place. To vent. To get it off my chest, so that I can go to bed, sleep like a rock without a care in the world, wake up in the morning and do the next right thing. Right now, I just needed to get this all out there. Well, its 10pm, and my eyes are starting to get a smidgen on the heavy side. I'm pretty sure things will look better in the morning, but for now, I'm going to get some sleep.