Reflections

She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.