belated mothers day blog

Well, let me start by saying happy mothers day to all the moms out there. I will say, this one has been pretty chill. The service at church last night made me cry, and I was blessed to spend time with my family. Today my cousin and his wife came over with their children, I love their little girl. She is precious and I am blessed everytime she comes over to me and says "bup" because she wants to get up on my lap or have me hold her :) anyway, after they left gram, pap and I watched half of a movie but it kept skipping, so we had to shut it off. Pap also did some repairs around my house, he fixed my shed door and stapled the molding back up in my spare room. I am so blessed to have a grampy who will take time out of his day to come over and fix stuff for his girl :) So, after they left too, I watched 2 more movies. One was pineapple express, which is just a movie about weed, and these two guys who get into a lot of trouble, but in the midst of it, Seth Rogan's charagter says how they arernt functional when theyre high which is all the time, I was so happy to hear that in a movie, it was like he had an epiphany about how lame it is to be high all the time. Of course, it was all in humor, and they quickly covered up the topic, but it was still good to see none-the-less. Especially in a movie thats all about smoking bud. Anyway, enough about that one. The other movie I watched was "Book of Eli". I finally sucked it up and watched it, I am glad I did too. I think they did such an amazing job of portraying the end times, the times after the rapture, and what the world will look like and function like after...well, of course it wont be exactly like that, at least I hope to never be here to find out! So that was good though, now its close to bedtime and I would post this blog tonight but my cpu wont connect to the internet, so I guess I will have to wait until it will let me connect again. Ugh...oh well. I guess I should really get to the reason I am writing this blog in the first place. I want to address 4 different catagories: mothers with children in heaven, mothers with children on earth, my mother, and my grandmother.

Mothers with children in heaven:You, are not alone. I dont care if you were blessed to know your child or if they were taken before you had the chance, like mine was. You are not alone either way. Children pass away every day, and on this mothers day, my heart is going out to mothers like myself, who have children, who ARE mothers, but dont get the credit because their children arent living. First I want to say, we who have lost children, think about them EVERY day. We have spent many days, and hours crying over the loss. We have suffered tremendous pain and agony during the loss, and during the healing process. We dont get recognition, because we dont have living children. We are looked over by many who know us, because we dont have children here on earth. Some of us never even got the privelage of meeting them, except when they were inside our womb. We dont get things like pictures, and clothes to hold on to and take in the smell. We dont have memories of them in our lives, only daydreams of what they could have been. Only the thought of what life could have been like with our baby in our arms. We, have a hard time with mother's day because we are moms too, we have sacrificed too, we have put forth tears for our children. Its just a different kind of tear, a different kind of worry (will I ever be able to have children? Whats wrong with me? What did I do wrong?) The questions have flooded us since the day we lost them, the lies enter our minds. Questions such as, why did this happen to me? Why do women who dont want their children get them, and I dont? Where did I go wrong? Did I let myself get too stressed out? Did I eat something, drink something, or take something that caused my baby to die inside of me? Did I sleep the wrong way? Did I put too much pressure on my abdomen? The questions flood the minds of mothers who have misscarried, or had stillborn children. We often times think that its something we did. Something I did caused me to lose my baby. People dont like to talk about death and such, so we come up with eupanism's...I had a misscarriage. Sounds so much better than saying my baby died inside of me. But for those of us who know the hurt and pain of this, and the feeling of deep emptiness inside, we know that this is just for people who dont understand. We have the "motherly instinct" I could sense there was something growing inside my body, a precious little seed. Just the same, I knew when it was gone. Not just by the copious amounts of blood I lost with him, but the feeling of having a baby inside me, was gone. It was such a sad day. Last night, I sat in church and as they did baby dedications, I burst into tears. I had thought I would be okay, I had thought I wouldnt need to cry anymore, afterall, it had been a year and a half since I lost my little Aiden. But, none-the-less, when they started the baby dedications, I became a blubbering fool. Tears, streaming down my face in a very annoying way, as my quiet sobs filled the ears of the people next to me. A kind hand on my shoulder from my cousin. No one had to say anything, they knew, and I knew. It caught me off guard, partially because if my son had lived, her would be about the age I would be dedicating him. Ouch. So, I tell you all this not to bring a downer kind of feeling, or to discount moms who have their children. I just want to let people know that, if you have a friend who has had a miscarriage, or stillborn child. Wish them a happy mother's day too. Let them know that you count them as a mom, because they are mothers. As women, when we conceive, our bodies instantly become mothers. They start making transitions, and shifts in the chemicals and hormones. We are moms, who are not moms. If you are the mother of a child in heaven that was taken from you before you had a chance to know them, and you havent already, name them. You dont know if it was a boy or girl? Thats just an excuse, a mother always knows. Think about it deep in your heart, what feeling do you have about your child you lost? Was it a boy or a girl? I knew mine was a boy. I named him Aiden Zacharias which means "the fiery little one, remembered by God." So, ladies, mothers with children in heaven, name your baby. You have every right, and it helps make them more of a real child than just something that came out of you...dont be afraid to let them be real. Process the loss, and if you can and havent already, I reccomend finding a grief share program, it helped me a lot to process the loss of my baby boy. Blessings to you fellow, unrecognized mothers with babies in heaven.

Mothers with children on earth:Well, what can I say to you but happy mother's day! Moms make the world go around :) you have to be a strong and corageous woman to raise a child. It is no small feat, it is no small task. It is a long term commitment, and whether you were ready for it or not, whether it was your decision or not, you are strong. Motherhood has to be one of the toughest things to do in a womans life, yet so rewarding that it makes you smile. Mother's make all kind of sacrifices for their children. They are amazing at it, and I am amazed sometimes to see everything they go through, the worry, the guilt of things they have done that they think has messed up their childs lives. Mom's, you make mistakes, you have and you will. But, what matters is who you are in the mean time. Everyone makes mistakes, and its NOT your fault for the way your children will or have turned out. They have to make their own choices, make their own mistakes. Your job as a mother is to love them unconditionally, and show them how to always run to Jesus. If you do those two things, you will never fail. God has designed us in that way. Happy mothers day, and I hope you are blessed!

My grandmother:Grammy, you have truly been amazing! I dont know what else to say about it. As far as grams' go, youre it, youre amazing and I love you tons! You have been there for me in hard times when other people werent, you have pulled out the "protective gram" side of you when other's put me down, and I truly and fully appreciate it! You have been my rescuer in times of need, I know that if I ever need you, day or night, all it takes is one phone call and you will be there. You are a true picture of sacrifice! You love all your grandkids the same, and you always take care of us. I always know that if I am having a bad day I can call, or show up on your doorstep and you will welcome me in, no questions, or reservations, you drop everything and take care of me. I know all your grandkids feel the same, and I speak for us all when I say we all love your more than you could know! You have shown us how to love eachother, in a kind way, and gram, I miss our late night walks... I miss getting home and bugging you until you give in and go for a walk with me :) I loved those times we shared, I am blessed by God to have my own place now, but I am sad I dont see you everyday, and I think it makes me charish you more. Man, I love you gramma, and I always will tell everyone how amazing you are <3 you are a true picture of love and sacrifice and you have, in my opinion, gone above and beyond the call of a grandmother! In my case especially! You have done things no grandmother should have to do for their grandchildren, I have put you in situations that have been hard, and heartbreaking to you, but you still show up, you still love me, and you still care. I love you gramma, thanks for sacrificing. I always know, that I am one of the 12 most important people in your life. Love you tons!

To my mother:Oh mother may I, where do I start? You, are an amazing, strong, loving, faithful woman. You showed me how to love, how to run to Jesus, amongst all the other things you taught me... How much have we been through together? More than I can, or would want to write on this blog thats for sure! People dont understand our relationship. They dont get why we are so close, they dont understand our bond as mother and daughter. Its desired by a lot of people I know, and I feel sorry for them that they dont have that bond, but I am happy that we do, I am blessed beyond recognition of the love you and I share. We have been through the ringer, to hell and back, and you have always stood by my side, supported me in things that were whole and pure and true, and talked me out of crazy ideas. I know you blame yourself for a lot of my choices, but mom, they were MY choices, not yours. You think things like "If only I hadnt done this, said that, or acted that way then maybe she wouldnt have..." Mom, I know that I can probably never tell you enough times, but its NOT your fault. The decisions I made and make every day, are not your fault! I made my own decisions, and though I allow your influence in my life, the bad decisions I have made were my thing. The things you can take credit for, are things like showing me how to love everyone, not just the "pretty people", showing me how to ALWAYS run to Jesus, though sometimes I still run to other things (by my choice), you taught me that it is NEVER too late to come back into Jesus' arms. You, are an incredible and amazing woman, and it hurt my heart every day to have to watch you go through chemo, but you made it out! you made it to the other side, and you are more beautiful every day! God has truly made you a special, and amazing woman. Do you know how many times, I have heard people say to me "I wish my mom was like yours" or "I wish I had your mom." See, mom, other people can say they have the best mom in the world, but no offense to them or their moms, I truly got the best one there is... The statements I have heard in my life about how amazing you are, and how many people wish they had moms more like you, it confirms in my heart that my saying that I got the best mom in the world was never JUST a biased statement, its true, because other people have said it. Mom, you taught me how to live, how to love, how to process, and how to be a woman after Gods own heart. You may have made a few mistakes here and there, but you have taught me everything I need to know in this life. I was thinking about something last night at church, I was thinking about how it must be hard for you to know that on mothers day, when I am supposed to be honoring you, I am pouting over the loss of my child, instead of being thankful for what I do have, an AMAZING mom! I want to apologize to you for that, because I do charish you more than you could know. You are my hero, you have been my role model, and people dont have to understand it, because its not their life. If they have a problem with our closeness, our bond, then they can just mind their own business... Sometimes, I feel like I am never going to be as good of a person as you, you have your head on straight, you trust God, and yes, I know I am putting you on a pedistal right now, and I'm sorry, but you truly are the best mom in the entire world, you have not only shared the good times and bad, but you have loved me through it all. I have one more thing to say before I log off. Mom, I am sorry to you for everything I put you through in 2007, when you were sick and barely hanging on, I was needy, I was selfish, and I ran off and left instead of taking care of you. I know that you didnt need me to because you had ken there, but I still feel bad about that. I put you through more heartache than I should have. You never knew what I was doing or if I would be okay. Mom, for those days, I am sorry. I love you more than you know, and I dont know, but even these words on the computer seem just blank to me, they feel hollow, like the words I am saying dont even have any umph to them. Either way, mom, I love you, and I want you to know that you are pretty much the most important person in my life today. You, and guy..lol, he thinks he's a person anyway.... I love you, and happy mother's day. <3