Forgiveness, amends, letting go, moving on.

Well that sucks...lol, I just wrote a whole blog entry. Then tried to post it and it deleted it instead. This second go-around might not be as good, but everything happens for a reason right? Lets hope so...

So, the topic? Forgiveness, amends, letting go, and moving on.

Forgiveness...How do you forgive someone who took something from you that you can never get back? How do you tell them it's ok? How do you tell them that you excuse their actions when they have done something, said something, or took something? In one definition I found online, it says that forgiveness is to renounce anger or resentment. Hmm... That sounds like it has more to do with me than the other person... How do you renounce anger or resentment? I am angry at the kid who rear ended us and changed my life forever. I resent the people who bruitally raped me and took something I can never get back. I am angry that my son didnt get to live, and I resent the women who dont want their children and get to have them anyway. Like the lady who would come into work almost every day and get a 4 shot mocha, then sit outside and chain smoke. I resent her, because she got to have a baby. Not fair. But lets look at the other side of these situations.... Maybe, the kid who rear ended us had just gotten some bad news, maybe he only took his eyes off the road for a second. God knows I have done that many times, and almost crashed, but didnt... God knew I would bounce back from a bruital rape, now I am NOT saying God intended me to be raped, or that He allowed it. But he did know that I could "handle" it. He knew that I would use it for good later on, he knew I would help other women get through that same thing... God knew I wasnt ready for a baby. I cant imagine what my life would be like if I had a two year old running around... And, lets think about the caffine drinking, chain smoking lady... Maybe her baby was stillborn, and she was given the ok to smoke and drink because the baby was already dead? Sad thought, but I shouldnt judge her... God has forgiven me of so much! So many worse things than these.... I think I can learn to let go of my anger and resentment... Afterall, it doesnt effect the other people... it effects me. It effects my moods, and my healing process. I guess theres a lot to it, but thats just a bit. I dont have the right to judge people, and I certainly dont know what theyre going through. Why be angry with someone? It says in the bible, dont let the sun go down on your anger... But how many times have I gone to bed hating the kid who hit us? How many hundreds of days have I resented, and been angry? Kinda makes me think...gut check.

Amends... Ah yess, those fun things... lol. Well, I will say they're not as hard as they used to be.. Well some of them anyway. I gave an amend just yesterday. It was a big one, and it was time consuming and sucked the energy right out of me. I needed to do it though. In Matthew 5 it talks about if you are standing at the alter and realize someone has something against you, leave the alter and go and be reconciled to that person, then return to offer your sacrifice. How true does that statement ring? Very, for me... Wow, how many times have I been at the alter offering my heart as a "sacrifice" to God, and still known that there were people out there who had something against me? Probably more than I can count. Not to say that they will always accept my amend, because often times people dont. People dont always react the way we want them to.. Its hard enough to go to someone admit that I made a mistake and apologize for it. How embarrassing, how humbling! Knowing that I screwed up..lol, you mean I'm not perfect?!?! Jk, jk...lol. Its hard to admit I was wrong, but I do it for me, not for them. I do it so I can sleep at night. How much better would the world be if everyone apologized when they realized they had made a mistake?! What a mind boggling thought. Of course that is just never gonna happen, but a girl can dream can't she? lol... One person at a time.. Making amends is important to my sobriety and mental health in general. If I dont make amends for something stupid I did, then I sit annoyed with myself, trying to ignore my idiocy...the only problem is that no matter where I go, there I am... huh. Interesting thought...lol. Wherever I go, there I am... The only way for me to get rid of that idiodic move I made is to present it to the person it was agains and ask forgiveness...hmm, interesting concept.. Like I said earlier, people dont always accept the apology, but I dont do it for them... I do it for me.

Letting go...hmmm, lol. Letting go means truly trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will... Well, thats a big bite to chew on. You mean I actually have to TRUST God? Wholeheartedly?! I mean I trust God with most things... I trust him with keeping me safe, and providing for my needs (most of the time)... But things like my future, my relationships.. Those are too big of things for me to let go of. Theyre too much for me to let God handle alone.... did I just say that?! lol... Like God can't handle it? Like he's not bigger than the universe. Like he's not so big that we as humans cant even comprehend? Lol...God cant handle it, thats funny. But if I let go that means I cant control it anymore... Yeah. That means that as soon as I let go, God can pick it up... He can work miracles, He can do anything... He is God afterall..lol. Letting go of the hurt that person caused me. Letting go of the anger in my heart. Letting go of the resentments I hold on to... Hmm, those are heavy bags.. Maybe if I let go and let God carry them for a while I will be more rested, more free to run, have more energy and not have to worry about all that stuff... I just got a really cool picture... ok, So me and God are walking up a mountain. I am carrying like 12 bags, big ones! I have 2 in each hand, one on each shoulder, I have fashioned a belt with rope to hold bags around my waist, I am even balancing one on my head! Not to mention the rope I have around my neck that leads back to a sled I am pulling... and on the sled guess what! There are more bags, piled high, barely balancing... All the while, God is walking next to me free hands, and saying "Mindy. Can I take some of that? Can I carry some of it for a while? You look tired, here, let me help. Thats a lot of stuff you're holding on to..." My response is "No, its ok..I got it. I don't want to burden you with all my crap. All these bags are mine, and I can carry them." After going on like this for a while, I become so tired that I finally say to God "Ok, you can have some of it." I hand it over and He doesnt even struggle with it. He is so strong that ALL of the bags I was struggling with, he carries with ease.. And I am so much lighter. I can run and jump and skip up the mountain. All the while God is there with me, bearing the load with ease. Not only is he carrying everything, the freedom for me is incredible, and He is also looking ahead. Saying "Watch out for that rock." and "Don't get to close to the edge." What a cool picture of letting go huh? He is there with us and He can handle it :) So why not let go? Why not give it all to God and let Him carry it? Afterall, He is God...

Moving on... heh, pun :-D lol... Ok, so what do I do now that I have forgiven, made the amend, and let go? Move on! Dwelling on the past is no bueno! Where is it going to get me? I was recently told that God would be closing a chapter in my life. That it would be time to start a new chapter and that would bring new blessings, new provision. I didnt really know what that meant until yesterday. But I get it now. I have the clarification. Move on with life, whats done is done. Its in the past. Its time to move forward, into the "inheritance" God has. Its time to let go of the past, and walk through the door of mercy, grace and forgiveness, and into Gods loving arms. He has promised to prosper us as His children. He never said times would be easy, so often I get mad and ask God why things happen. Why did you do this God? Why did you let this happen? But He never once promised us that life would be easy, in fact He said it would be hard. He said that they persecuted him, therefore they would persecute us. How true do these things ring today? So very true! But, in the end, He DOES make all things work together for my good, and your good. We are his children, His beloved. He wants nothing more than to be in perfect fellowship with us. He wants us to forgive our fellow, amend the ones we have wronged, let go of our baggage, and move on into His plan and will for our lives... I don't know about you, but I am sure going to give it one hell of a shot. Lol... Yeah, I said it.

Well, this one is definitely longer than the first one I wrote... I guess things do happen for a reason... Well, perhapse some of this blog was cliche, but whatever... it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Its now 12:08 am, and I am going to bed! Bon nuit :)