It makes me crazy. Torture is deep.
The pain is great, I can't even sleep!
I've had this pain before, but this bad only a few times.
Hate. Anger. Rage. Regret. Sadness.
All for me. The knife cuts, deep.
This is ordinary you say?
Try living my day.
You'll see,
It's just me.
Hopeless, helpless.
Strong and fearless.
Tears,
Cry.
Why?
Emotions are strong...
I'm not normal,
I'm just wrong.
Is it even worth it all?
sleep...
deep..
I'll sleep tonight.
Maybe.
Eff it.
let the tears flow
Rip my heart out
Let it go.
Better.
I will feel it.
This is temporary...
So they say
It isn't fair
no relief
just bare.
Raw.
Emotions. Raw. Emotions. Raw.
So raw it hurts.
Like a fresh wound.
Whatever..
It doesn't matter, life is life
keep going...........keep pushing through
After the tears have fallen,
And my face is swollen
All will be better,
the sun will rise,
and yet again I will compromise
When will it end?
Struggling so..
In the thick of it.
Just want to get this off my chest.
feeling better.
time for bed...
Friday, April 25, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
something's gotta give (WARNING: I used some profanity, if that offends you...best not read this one)
When the nights are long and the days are weary,
when the midnight stars seem bright, yet dreary.
When the pain and regrets are to much to bear,
when all I hear is "you don't care".
When the memories flood,
and I feel stuck in the mud.
People don't get it, they'll never understand.
My life is not what it looks.
The depths of my soul, they will never know.
Oh you think you know? Go fucking blow!
You have no clue, how could you?
Think your shit is as deep as mine?
I guarantee it's benign.
You see, you could never understand the mess that is me.
The tourment, the pain...what's it all for?
Who is to gain?
Think your memories are bad, they may be that's true.
But I guarantee, they're just as weak as you.
Are you offended? Who cares. Not I!
This is my vent, for all the days nigh.
So deal with it fucker, and watch me keep fighting.
Yes, my days are weary, no rest and no peace.
Let that be a lesson, your whining should cease.
I'm so tired of doing
All these things right.
I think that it's time,
I put up a fight.
So deal with it now, for I do not care.
Your feelings, your words, your broken heart
Is nothing!
No one to talk to,
Not even a friend.
I hide like the moonshine, just around the bend.
Guarding and running,
Sulking and walking.
For you will never know
The deapths of my soul!
How desperate I am,
To talk with just one.
To pour out my heart,
But that would be vain.
Like standing in the rain,
Or going to school to get some brains.
This may not make sense,
Or you may be offended.
But I don't care,
For it's mine to share...
To vent and to process,
To stagger in strife.
In this mess that is my life.
when the midnight stars seem bright, yet dreary.
When the pain and regrets are to much to bear,
when all I hear is "you don't care".
When the memories flood,
and I feel stuck in the mud.
People don't get it, they'll never understand.
My life is not what it looks.
The depths of my soul, they will never know.
Oh you think you know? Go fucking blow!
You have no clue, how could you?
Think your shit is as deep as mine?
I guarantee it's benign.
You see, you could never understand the mess that is me.
The tourment, the pain...what's it all for?
Who is to gain?
Think your memories are bad, they may be that's true.
But I guarantee, they're just as weak as you.
Are you offended? Who cares. Not I!
This is my vent, for all the days nigh.
So deal with it fucker, and watch me keep fighting.
Yes, my days are weary, no rest and no peace.
Let that be a lesson, your whining should cease.
I'm so tired of doing
All these things right.
I think that it's time,
I put up a fight.
So deal with it now, for I do not care.
Your feelings, your words, your broken heart
Is nothing!
No one to talk to,
Not even a friend.
I hide like the moonshine, just around the bend.
Guarding and running,
Sulking and walking.
For you will never know
The deapths of my soul!
How desperate I am,
To talk with just one.
To pour out my heart,
But that would be vain.
Like standing in the rain,
Or going to school to get some brains.
This may not make sense,
Or you may be offended.
But I don't care,
For it's mine to share...
To vent and to process,
To stagger in strife.
In this mess that is my life.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
30 Day "Real Life" Challenge
What a precious picture of my little guy... Smiling, reaching for me. His mother, mama, mommy...
He is reaching out for me. The one person in his life who he can count on 100%.....one hundred percent. Wow. What a huge responsibility. I am the one who influences his life the most. I am the one who will teach him to be a good person, who will teach him how to treat a woman. I am the one who will support him financially, and teach him how to handle his finances. Me. I will teach him about every aspect of his life, whether to love or to hate. I will teach him how to react to situations by how I react. There is no greater influence in his life. None. Just me. His mama....wrong. To an extent. He will of course be influenced by many different things. My behaviors, reactions, and actions are perhaps the biggest, but there is one even bigger perhaps. One influence that will cut him so deep that I cant imagine the pain he will feel. One influence that hurts him without his knowing it yet...His lack of a father figure. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to sit here and "blame it all on his dad." That's not my style. I just cant help but to think of how badly this will hurt my precious little guy when he finds out the reality of his life in comparison to his friends' lives. I think of the face above, and the happiness in his eyes. I fear that someday that happiness will wither away... I never want him to be unhappy, ever. EVER.
The little boy in that picture is the most important person to me in the world. He is my favorite person and he is my little love bug. So, with that being said. I want to talk about something else that makes him sad. I'm sure as parents, we all do this if not on a daily basis, we do it on occasion. Or, we have at least done it at some point in time. We have prioritized other things above our children. I will just speak for myself though, truthfully, I hope you cannot relate if you are a parent. See, there is a statement out there that says something to the effect of "The only perfect parents are those who don't have kids yet." I used to think this statement was malarkey! I used to think that I would do everything right from day 1. I (ashamedly) used to look at my friends who had children and think of how empty my womb was, and how lonely I was for a little. I used to think to myself "I would never treat my child that way!" Lol...well, let me tell ya. And I will say, I have to tell on myself a little here, I have done some of those exact things I said I would never do. Now, when I say that I DON'T mean that I hit my kid or anything abusive like that, so don't get me wrong.
I have, however, been guilty of not giving him the attention he deserves. I have been guilty of having my nose stuck in a book, or the cell phone, or eyes glued to the tv for a day. I have been guilty of laying on the couch when I don't feel good. Now, do any of these things "hurt" him? No. At least not in a physical way. He plays on the floor, and I am right there, when he comes to me, I turn my attention to him for a minute. But, it is divided. My attention is never or rarely FULLY his. Even when I take a timeout, I still have other things on my mind than just enjoying his company. It makes me sad, to think that I treat my favorite person this way. My most important mission, my little love. After all, children NEED love, support, and attention to grow up healthy and happy. There is no such thing as too much love and attention for a child under the age of two. Let me say that again. Let it sink in good. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LOVE AND ATTENTION FOR A CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF TWO. There is a difference between spoiling them, and loving them. This age is so critical in building trust. It's just the way it is.
Back to the lack of attention. I think parents are busy this day and age. We as people are busy. We are busy with work, school (ours or the kids), sports or dance. When we take those things away, there's always things to do at home. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, errands, paying bills, making phone calls. Then when you take all those things away, there's the television, movies, video games, cartoons. When we remove even that, there's the endless world of the internet. Facebook, twitter, instagram, youtube, etc. If we take a step further, there's tablets, nook, kindle, ipad, books. And last but not even close to the least, the cell phone. DUN DAH DUN.......
Our cell phones these days are filled with apps for social media...more like antisocial media. The "let me get all gussied up and visit facebook" type of social media. As if it were a place to go, as if it needed our full attention, as if it were more important than our children.....My favorite person in the world. How did I get here? How did I get to a place where so many things became more important than loving and spending time with my favorite person? The person who is MOST important to me? I assure you, it was probably one thing at a time. Before I knew it, I had all these priorities and my beautiful brown eyed baby boy got pushed further and further down the list. That's not to say that I ignore him all the time, or that I neglect him when he's hungry, or needs changed. And I do spend time with him here and there, but it just doesn't always look like it should.
I have been working on something for a while now. In my mind, I have been thinking about my need to spend more time with him, after all....he will NEVER be this little again! He is growing so fast, and I don't want to miss out on his life. What, all because there was this other thing that was more important than him? I know that none of my other tasks are more important than my son, but what am I portraying to him when I ignore him while I talk on the phone, or when I yell at him for throwing a fit while I am trying to pay bills. I am telling him, without words, that my phone call is more important, my paying bills is more important, that money is more important that him. And when I have my nose in my phone, it is more important than him.
Perhaps one of the saddest and most awakening moments for me, was when I sat on the couch after being home from class, and just grabbed my phone to check emails, and texts really quick. I had the phone in my hand for maybe 10 seconds before he screamed and hit the phone out of my hand. It landed on the floor...In that moment, I realized that my son, my most important and favorite person in the world was feeling hurt. He was feeling left out. He was feeling rejected, and jealous of a stupid telephone. Is that REALLY the kind of mom I want to be? To that, please excuse my language, I say HELL NO!
I want to be a mom who he remembers as being there for him, not just with him. I want him to remember me as putting his needs above my own. He is still young enough, he takes naps. I can check the phone after he goes down for nap and bed. There is no need to be glued to my phone all the time. It is kind of funny to me that around the same time as I am having this realization, my phone battery is dying. My phone is slowing in speed, and life is picking up in speed. I have so much to do now. School, work, motherhood....out of them all, motherhood is the most important. Obviously, I am still going to attend work and school, and do my homework, but. When we are here together, I need to be HERE. Not on facebook, not on twitter, not in any of those cyber worlds....for any other reason. I need to be with him, 100%.
Now, I said all of that to say, I propose a 30 day challenge. I say 30 days because that seems like an attainable goal. Who knows, if at the end of 30 days, you find it has totally changed your life, and your kids' lives for the better, maybe you will make it a 6 month challenge, or a 1 year challenge, or even better....a life change :) So, here it is.
1. Remove the social media apps from your phone.
2. When you're with the kids (or any person for that matter) be with them. Not on your phone.
3. Give your FULL attention. This doesn't mean staring at eachother for 4 hours, just be there. Play a board game, play lego's or dolls. Whatever your child is into. Get onto their level.
4. I can't stress this one enough, PUT AWAY THE CELL PHONE!!! Studies have shown that when the visible presence of a cellular device is there, the person you are spending time with, leaves the encounter feeling less satisfied. Because, there is the knowledge that your attention could be drawn away at any second.
5. Unplug! Once a week, unplug completely. No phone, no tv, no tablets, no computers...turn it ALL off, even if you only do it for a few hours (ideally for a day), but just get used to it again. It's kind of nice:)
6. Last but not least, have fun! Laugh, play, read books, snuggle, hug, kisses...all of the things that make the world go around :) enjoy your little(s), after all, they will never be this little again!
That's it...the whole shebang! My great 30 day challenge to all the parents out there....
Personally, I know I haven't been very good at answering texts lately, or updating my facebook status. However, I am about to get even worse. I am going to do this 30 day challenge. Starting right now. I am removing the facebook app from my phone. This means I will have to actually login to see facebook or update my status. I am going to leave my phone on the charger during the day, unless I am going somewhere and need my phone with me, there is no reason to have it, except to teach my son how not to act in the presence of other people. I will check my phone in the morning, when Camden is sleeping for nap time, and after he has gone to bed. Other than that, consider me "off the grid" :)
The little boy in that picture is the most important person to me in the world. He is my favorite person and he is my little love bug. So, with that being said. I want to talk about something else that makes him sad. I'm sure as parents, we all do this if not on a daily basis, we do it on occasion. Or, we have at least done it at some point in time. We have prioritized other things above our children. I will just speak for myself though, truthfully, I hope you cannot relate if you are a parent. See, there is a statement out there that says something to the effect of "The only perfect parents are those who don't have kids yet." I used to think this statement was malarkey! I used to think that I would do everything right from day 1. I (ashamedly) used to look at my friends who had children and think of how empty my womb was, and how lonely I was for a little. I used to think to myself "I would never treat my child that way!" Lol...well, let me tell ya. And I will say, I have to tell on myself a little here, I have done some of those exact things I said I would never do. Now, when I say that I DON'T mean that I hit my kid or anything abusive like that, so don't get me wrong. I have, however, been guilty of not giving him the attention he deserves. I have been guilty of having my nose stuck in a book, or the cell phone, or eyes glued to the tv for a day. I have been guilty of laying on the couch when I don't feel good. Now, do any of these things "hurt" him? No. At least not in a physical way. He plays on the floor, and I am right there, when he comes to me, I turn my attention to him for a minute. But, it is divided. My attention is never or rarely FULLY his. Even when I take a timeout, I still have other things on my mind than just enjoying his company. It makes me sad, to think that I treat my favorite person this way. My most important mission, my little love. After all, children NEED love, support, and attention to grow up healthy and happy. There is no such thing as too much love and attention for a child under the age of two. Let me say that again. Let it sink in good. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LOVE AND ATTENTION FOR A CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF TWO. There is a difference between spoiling them, and loving them. This age is so critical in building trust. It's just the way it is.
Back to the lack of attention. I think parents are busy this day and age. We as people are busy. We are busy with work, school (ours or the kids), sports or dance. When we take those things away, there's always things to do at home. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, errands, paying bills, making phone calls. Then when you take all those things away, there's the television, movies, video games, cartoons. When we remove even that, there's the endless world of the internet. Facebook, twitter, instagram, youtube, etc. If we take a step further, there's tablets, nook, kindle, ipad, books. And last but not even close to the least, the cell phone. DUN DAH DUN.......
Our cell phones these days are filled with apps for social media...more like antisocial media. The "let me get all gussied up and visit facebook" type of social media. As if it were a place to go, as if it needed our full attention, as if it were more important than our children.....My favorite person in the world. How did I get here? How did I get to a place where so many things became more important than loving and spending time with my favorite person? The person who is MOST important to me? I assure you, it was probably one thing at a time. Before I knew it, I had all these priorities and my beautiful brown eyed baby boy got pushed further and further down the list. That's not to say that I ignore him all the time, or that I neglect him when he's hungry, or needs changed. And I do spend time with him here and there, but it just doesn't always look like it should.
I have been working on something for a while now. In my mind, I have been thinking about my need to spend more time with him, after all....he will NEVER be this little again! He is growing so fast, and I don't want to miss out on his life. What, all because there was this other thing that was more important than him? I know that none of my other tasks are more important than my son, but what am I portraying to him when I ignore him while I talk on the phone, or when I yell at him for throwing a fit while I am trying to pay bills. I am telling him, without words, that my phone call is more important, my paying bills is more important, that money is more important that him. And when I have my nose in my phone, it is more important than him.
Perhaps one of the saddest and most awakening moments for me, was when I sat on the couch after being home from class, and just grabbed my phone to check emails, and texts really quick. I had the phone in my hand for maybe 10 seconds before he screamed and hit the phone out of my hand. It landed on the floor...In that moment, I realized that my son, my most important and favorite person in the world was feeling hurt. He was feeling left out. He was feeling rejected, and jealous of a stupid telephone. Is that REALLY the kind of mom I want to be? To that, please excuse my language, I say HELL NO!
I want to be a mom who he remembers as being there for him, not just with him. I want him to remember me as putting his needs above my own. He is still young enough, he takes naps. I can check the phone after he goes down for nap and bed. There is no need to be glued to my phone all the time. It is kind of funny to me that around the same time as I am having this realization, my phone battery is dying. My phone is slowing in speed, and life is picking up in speed. I have so much to do now. School, work, motherhood....out of them all, motherhood is the most important. Obviously, I am still going to attend work and school, and do my homework, but. When we are here together, I need to be HERE. Not on facebook, not on twitter, not in any of those cyber worlds....for any other reason. I need to be with him, 100%.
Now, I said all of that to say, I propose a 30 day challenge. I say 30 days because that seems like an attainable goal. Who knows, if at the end of 30 days, you find it has totally changed your life, and your kids' lives for the better, maybe you will make it a 6 month challenge, or a 1 year challenge, or even better....a life change :) So, here it is.
1. Remove the social media apps from your phone.
2. When you're with the kids (or any person for that matter) be with them. Not on your phone.
3. Give your FULL attention. This doesn't mean staring at eachother for 4 hours, just be there. Play a board game, play lego's or dolls. Whatever your child is into. Get onto their level.
4. I can't stress this one enough, PUT AWAY THE CELL PHONE!!! Studies have shown that when the visible presence of a cellular device is there, the person you are spending time with, leaves the encounter feeling less satisfied. Because, there is the knowledge that your attention could be drawn away at any second.
5. Unplug! Once a week, unplug completely. No phone, no tv, no tablets, no computers...turn it ALL off, even if you only do it for a few hours (ideally for a day), but just get used to it again. It's kind of nice:)
6. Last but not least, have fun! Laugh, play, read books, snuggle, hug, kisses...all of the things that make the world go around :) enjoy your little(s), after all, they will never be this little again!
That's it...the whole shebang! My great 30 day challenge to all the parents out there....
Personally, I know I haven't been very good at answering texts lately, or updating my facebook status. However, I am about to get even worse. I am going to do this 30 day challenge. Starting right now. I am removing the facebook app from my phone. This means I will have to actually login to see facebook or update my status. I am going to leave my phone on the charger during the day, unless I am going somewhere and need my phone with me, there is no reason to have it, except to teach my son how not to act in the presence of other people. I will check my phone in the morning, when Camden is sleeping for nap time, and after he has gone to bed. Other than that, consider me "off the grid" :)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
A new year, a new town, a new book to be written
Happy new year! It has been going around today. The new year will hopefully be a blessing to all who are here. I think it is ironic and somewhat funny how everyone asks what the new years resolutions will be. Well, mine are fairly simple. Be a better mom, get my back pain taken care of, lose weight, get more active, continue working on my degree. Simple.
Anyway, I think the holidays always interest me. One of my goals for the new year is to recycle more, come into a way of healthy and whole food eating. Clean eating as they call it. I made some delicious recipes tonight. I made coconut milk, which is actually very easy to make. I also made dairy free/soy free almond joy and mounds :) They're quite tasty if I do say so myself! I have also started making my own chicken stock. As well as my own beef stock. I hope to make fruit gummies for my son, and granola for breakfast. I'll just need to find some good recipes. Someday I would like to create a clean eating cookbook. I think it would be a lovely idea :)
Well, let's move on. I love this new town, however, I have lived my entire life in Portland, OR. Up until 6 months ago when I moved here. I love this town, but I am starting to find myself missing the people I left behind. Being that I am a very social person, I was bound to miss them all. I will say though, I do NOT miss the rain! Lol. Not in the least. I thoroughly enjoy dry days here. I find it difficult to believe that the snow here doesn't melt off, but we have had snow for over a month now. On the side streets and in parking lots. It seems to snow, but then it doesn't melt off. We don't get warm enough in the day for it to melt. I will be grateful when summer comes back around.
Despite my likes and dislikes of this new town, I figured something out. I am on an adventure. God told me before I left Portland, that he wanted to take me on an adventure. I can truthfully and honestly say, this has been the best adventure of my life! Though a lot of people, I feel, were hurt by my leaving. I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to a lot of my friends, but I wanted a quiet exit. I did not want to make a big deal about it. I hope that people who I hurt know that I still love them, and I miss them terribly. Anyway, there have been so many ups and downs here. I am loving every minute of it. I recently started painting my nails again. Something a friend of mine instilled in me. Dear sweet friend. She gifted me nail polish and told me to use it, to take time for myself. I heeded her advice almost a year after the fact :) But, I am finding myself again. I have been painting, I have been doing my nails, I have been growing out my hair, and I have been enjoying the sweet, tender moments life brings. I have met some incredible people, and I have had some intensive and healing conversations with people. I have learned to rely on others in my community, and I have learned to keep my mouth shut about certain things. Not everyone needs to know every detail of my life. Such as, I would like to thin I am growing as a person. I am becoming a new breed of Mindy. I am becoming a better mom. I have slowed down. Life here moves much slower than Portland life. There is peace and tranquility here for me. There is rarely traffic, if it is, it's like 3 cars lol. It is splendid. Just splendid. We live 2 blocks from the park, Camden loves to walk to the park. We do that often. Well, we did that often this summer. Winter is proving to be a bit more difficult. But, we are still getting our daily dose of vitamin D :) Life here is just a simpler life. I am finding peace in being Camden's mommy. I am finding love in all the right places for the first time in my life. Things are just good right now. I have a lot of things to be thankful for right now. Peace and joy are filling my soul.
Well, I suppose I could keep writing for a long time. However, I will let it be for now. I think I have said enough.
Peace and love.
Anyway, I think the holidays always interest me. One of my goals for the new year is to recycle more, come into a way of healthy and whole food eating. Clean eating as they call it. I made some delicious recipes tonight. I made coconut milk, which is actually very easy to make. I also made dairy free/soy free almond joy and mounds :) They're quite tasty if I do say so myself! I have also started making my own chicken stock. As well as my own beef stock. I hope to make fruit gummies for my son, and granola for breakfast. I'll just need to find some good recipes. Someday I would like to create a clean eating cookbook. I think it would be a lovely idea :)
Well, let's move on. I love this new town, however, I have lived my entire life in Portland, OR. Up until 6 months ago when I moved here. I love this town, but I am starting to find myself missing the people I left behind. Being that I am a very social person, I was bound to miss them all. I will say though, I do NOT miss the rain! Lol. Not in the least. I thoroughly enjoy dry days here. I find it difficult to believe that the snow here doesn't melt off, but we have had snow for over a month now. On the side streets and in parking lots. It seems to snow, but then it doesn't melt off. We don't get warm enough in the day for it to melt. I will be grateful when summer comes back around.
Despite my likes and dislikes of this new town, I figured something out. I am on an adventure. God told me before I left Portland, that he wanted to take me on an adventure. I can truthfully and honestly say, this has been the best adventure of my life! Though a lot of people, I feel, were hurt by my leaving. I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to a lot of my friends, but I wanted a quiet exit. I did not want to make a big deal about it. I hope that people who I hurt know that I still love them, and I miss them terribly. Anyway, there have been so many ups and downs here. I am loving every minute of it. I recently started painting my nails again. Something a friend of mine instilled in me. Dear sweet friend. She gifted me nail polish and told me to use it, to take time for myself. I heeded her advice almost a year after the fact :) But, I am finding myself again. I have been painting, I have been doing my nails, I have been growing out my hair, and I have been enjoying the sweet, tender moments life brings. I have met some incredible people, and I have had some intensive and healing conversations with people. I have learned to rely on others in my community, and I have learned to keep my mouth shut about certain things. Not everyone needs to know every detail of my life. Such as, I would like to thin I am growing as a person. I am becoming a new breed of Mindy. I am becoming a better mom. I have slowed down. Life here moves much slower than Portland life. There is peace and tranquility here for me. There is rarely traffic, if it is, it's like 3 cars lol. It is splendid. Just splendid. We live 2 blocks from the park, Camden loves to walk to the park. We do that often. Well, we did that often this summer. Winter is proving to be a bit more difficult. But, we are still getting our daily dose of vitamin D :) Life here is just a simpler life. I am finding peace in being Camden's mommy. I am finding love in all the right places for the first time in my life. Things are just good right now. I have a lot of things to be thankful for right now. Peace and joy are filling my soul.
Well, I suppose I could keep writing for a long time. However, I will let it be for now. I think I have said enough.
Peace and love.
Joshua
He sat there. In his bedroom, alone on the bed. He thought of the horrible way she had treated him. How incredibly rude to withdraw her agreement to go on a date with him. After all, she was his best friend. He adored her. He thought that she adored him too. Apparently not. In that moment, he hated her.
He thought about his children, how much he loved them. He wanted so desperately to fight for custody of his children. His heart ached for his children. He wanted to be with them more than anything. He sat there in a daze. Thinking of all these things and more. The stress of his job, the rent payments. He thought of all the failures in his life up until that point. He began to feel the overwhelming urge to numb out that pain. He just wanted to escape one more time in to happiness. He just wanted one more high, then he would get serious about this sobriety thing. He would get his life figured out.
"Knock, knock, knock." He jumped as one of his roommates opened the door to ask if he wanted dinner. He politely declined. He shut the door and slumped back onto his bed. It was neatly made, and his bedroom spotless as could be. He slowly and cautiously pulled a shoebox from under his bed. He knew he would have just one last chance. If his roommates knew, he would surely be kicked out. He lifted the lid, his eyes lit up with delight and fear. He just wanted to get really high, one last time. He slowly pulled the 4 patches out. He tore them open and began placing them on his body. He had used much more than that in the past, so 4 patches should be just right to get him the high he wanted. He leaned back and relaxed while the patches took effect. He began to feel the effects of pure euphoria. He began to feel as if he were floating on a cloud. It was then, he remembered that he had bible study.
He shut his car door, and drove down the road. He arrived at his pastors home, and was welcomed inside. The pastor asked him several times if he was okay, he wondered if he could tell he was high. He continued to assure the pastor that he was alright. He moved to the couch and sat on the end. No need to be in between anybody. He sat there as the pastor prayed, and he waited for the study to begin. He began to get itchy from the narcotics running through his veins. The bible study was a blur, but it was over before he knew it. As he was ready to leave, the pastor asked if he could pray over him. He agreed, not wanting to look suspicious. He had a hard time focusing on the words the pastor spoke.
"Lord Jesus, we pray that you protect our brother Josh, no matter what he is going through. We pray that you would be with him and walk with him through this difficult time. We pray for protection and peace, In your name, Amen." He thanked him for the prayer and assured him again that he was alright. He was tired and needed to get home. So away he went.
He arrived home, and began to stumble a little as he walked in the front door and up to his bedroom. He ripped off his jacket and tossed it aside, then fell onto the bed. He laid there and drifted in and out of consciousness. He was half thinking, half dreaming. Pretty soon, he drifted off, with no return.
The next day, his roommate knocked on his door. There was no answer. He hollered inside
"Josh! Breakfast!" There was no answer, he poked his head in to find him laying there. Gone away. He tried to wake him, and frantically dialed 911. In all the commotion, the ambulance, police, and fire fighters came. There was nothing they could do. He had been gone too long. They carried him away, and sent officers to inform his family.
The knock on the door was unlike she had ever heard before. She got up, pain stricken through her body. She headed for the door, she could see the police standing on the other side, and wondered what happened. The door creaked as she pulled it open slowly. The officers faces were bland and ghostly. Their eyes filled with sadness, she knew something was coming. Something terrible.
"Ma'am, are you Josh's mother?" The tall skinny one asked.
"Yes, that is me." She replied as fear began to rise up in her.
"We regret to inform yo-"
"No. No. No." She faintly interrupted as fear and tears welled up inside her. She began to weep uncontrollably as the officer continued.
"We regret to inform you that your son was found dead this morning and 10:02 am. It appears he overdosed. Is there anyone we can contact for you?"
She just stood there. Weeping uncontrollably, in shock that this was happening. It couldn't be happening. It felt as though someone had cinched a large strap around her and were squeezing it. Tighter, and tighter. She couldn't breathe, her knees buckled down under her. She fell to the ground and was stricken with pain in her heart and her lungs. The pain of losing her son. It was unbearable. She couldn't take it. She didn't even believe these men.
"No, you have the wrong Josh. Not my baby, not my boy!" This can't be she thought. This just cant be.
From the other room, her husband heard the commotion, and came in. She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and barely squeaked out the words "Josh. Is. Dead."
He thought about his children, how much he loved them. He wanted so desperately to fight for custody of his children. His heart ached for his children. He wanted to be with them more than anything. He sat there in a daze. Thinking of all these things and more. The stress of his job, the rent payments. He thought of all the failures in his life up until that point. He began to feel the overwhelming urge to numb out that pain. He just wanted to escape one more time in to happiness. He just wanted one more high, then he would get serious about this sobriety thing. He would get his life figured out.
"Knock, knock, knock." He jumped as one of his roommates opened the door to ask if he wanted dinner. He politely declined. He shut the door and slumped back onto his bed. It was neatly made, and his bedroom spotless as could be. He slowly and cautiously pulled a shoebox from under his bed. He knew he would have just one last chance. If his roommates knew, he would surely be kicked out. He lifted the lid, his eyes lit up with delight and fear. He just wanted to get really high, one last time. He slowly pulled the 4 patches out. He tore them open and began placing them on his body. He had used much more than that in the past, so 4 patches should be just right to get him the high he wanted. He leaned back and relaxed while the patches took effect. He began to feel the effects of pure euphoria. He began to feel as if he were floating on a cloud. It was then, he remembered that he had bible study.
He shut his car door, and drove down the road. He arrived at his pastors home, and was welcomed inside. The pastor asked him several times if he was okay, he wondered if he could tell he was high. He continued to assure the pastor that he was alright. He moved to the couch and sat on the end. No need to be in between anybody. He sat there as the pastor prayed, and he waited for the study to begin. He began to get itchy from the narcotics running through his veins. The bible study was a blur, but it was over before he knew it. As he was ready to leave, the pastor asked if he could pray over him. He agreed, not wanting to look suspicious. He had a hard time focusing on the words the pastor spoke.
"Lord Jesus, we pray that you protect our brother Josh, no matter what he is going through. We pray that you would be with him and walk with him through this difficult time. We pray for protection and peace, In your name, Amen." He thanked him for the prayer and assured him again that he was alright. He was tired and needed to get home. So away he went.
He arrived home, and began to stumble a little as he walked in the front door and up to his bedroom. He ripped off his jacket and tossed it aside, then fell onto the bed. He laid there and drifted in and out of consciousness. He was half thinking, half dreaming. Pretty soon, he drifted off, with no return.
The next day, his roommate knocked on his door. There was no answer. He hollered inside
"Josh! Breakfast!" There was no answer, he poked his head in to find him laying there. Gone away. He tried to wake him, and frantically dialed 911. In all the commotion, the ambulance, police, and fire fighters came. There was nothing they could do. He had been gone too long. They carried him away, and sent officers to inform his family.
The knock on the door was unlike she had ever heard before. She got up, pain stricken through her body. She headed for the door, she could see the police standing on the other side, and wondered what happened. The door creaked as she pulled it open slowly. The officers faces were bland and ghostly. Their eyes filled with sadness, she knew something was coming. Something terrible.
"Ma'am, are you Josh's mother?" The tall skinny one asked.
"Yes, that is me." She replied as fear began to rise up in her.
"We regret to inform yo-"
"No. No. No." She faintly interrupted as fear and tears welled up inside her. She began to weep uncontrollably as the officer continued.
"We regret to inform you that your son was found dead this morning and 10:02 am. It appears he overdosed. Is there anyone we can contact for you?"
She just stood there. Weeping uncontrollably, in shock that this was happening. It couldn't be happening. It felt as though someone had cinched a large strap around her and were squeezing it. Tighter, and tighter. She couldn't breathe, her knees buckled down under her. She fell to the ground and was stricken with pain in her heart and her lungs. The pain of losing her son. It was unbearable. She couldn't take it. She didn't even believe these men.
"No, you have the wrong Josh. Not my baby, not my boy!" This can't be she thought. This just cant be.
From the other room, her husband heard the commotion, and came in. She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and barely squeaked out the words "Josh. Is. Dead."
Friday, August 9, 2013
Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
Uncertainty. That's what is ailing me today. I am in a place where I don't know how I could act this way. I am getting mixed signals. But, is it enough to let it get in the way? Or is it just being blown out of proportion? I tend to do that... so. I am faced with a choice. I can continue and fight, or I can walk away. Walking away is always easier, but I'm not sure if that's what is best. I don't know. Just thinking a lot about it. My son is feeling the pressure, and he is acting out because of it. Either way I have to get it under control. He is so sensitive to what is going on emotionally around him. Yesterday, I was a mess. Just hurting and confused. He was hollering and making trouble all day. He feels it. He is cute, wants to snuggle. I love my little bundle of joy. He lights up my world. I wonder. How did I get so far from the path I once walked? It seems like so long ago I was laying my life down for God. For his plan. I was going to write a devotional. I actually started it. I was half way through exodus. But, then life happened. I know I need to get on it. I feel like I just abandoned what God had planned. Of course, here I have all this free time, have I utilized it? Nope. Instead I sit around watching greys reruns....go me. It's not good. I think I need to rededicate my spare time to Gods plan. I know, a devotional study guide is needing me to write it. I have felt it for a long time. I have so much to say, what better way than to mix it in with Gods words? With his voice...He is speaking to me. Asking me to trust him. I am so wrapped up in myself, and in Camden...our life here. How long has it been since I have consulted him before making a decision? Too long. So. I shall start. Today. I will begin writing my devotions. Through the bible, one chapter at a time. I imagine it will take a while. But that's good. It will keep me busy, not that I don't have enough to do already lol...We are going to Portland tomorrow. I am excited. Excited to see people. I miss everyone. Though I love it here, I don't know many people. I want to meet people. I think it's for the better that I take a nap today too. I only slept about 4 hours last night. I cleaned my house. It's spotless :) I cleaned everything. Organized. It does look amazing if I do say so...lol. Anyway, the moment has passed. So I think I will get off here and go do something else :)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Inside out.
Outside, calm.
Inside, pain.
Outside, composed.
Inside, tears.
Outside, strong.
Inside, weak.
Outside, smile.
Inside, rage.
Outside, happy.
Inside, sad.
Outside, peace.
Inside, storm.
Outside, calm.
Inside, heartbroken.
Outside, heartbroken.
Grieve. Let go. Live again.
Inside, pain.
Outside, composed.
Inside, tears.
Outside, strong.
Inside, weak.
Outside, smile.
Inside, rage.
Outside, happy.
Inside, sad.
Outside, peace.
Inside, storm.
Outside, calm.
Inside, heartbroken.
Outside, heartbroken.
Grieve. Let go. Live again.
Friday, June 21, 2013
A fresh start
It has been so long since I have been able to write! I am excited to finally have a computer again. Things are great, Camden and I have moved to Ontario, Oregon to start a new life. Simple life. Peaceful life. Away from the big city that is Portland...I love it here. The sun shines every day, maybe not all day, but every day :) It is so beautiful. It's dry, as in..not sopping wet as Portland is...I am SO loving that part of my new home town. I am at a crossroads. New apartment, new town, new church, new faces, no job. What to do? I have so many options, I could go for the traditional job, bring home a paycheck and be steady. Yeah, I could try that. But, for right now. I think it's time to try something different, think outside the box. That's not to say that I will, or have stopped looking for a job, but, I have so many other possibilities available to me! For example, Arbonne! I can work this business. If I can book enough parties, and make enough sales, I wont have to go back to work. Some people may think I am an idiot, but for right now, I have a little time. We have a cushion. And, I have a pretty motivating reason to make this work....They say that if you don't really want it, you will find an excuse. But, people who really want it, will make it happen. I think that is so true. I am definitely in a place where I want this to work. So. Research, studying, etc. I have been looking at what it takes to make this business work.
Another option...go back to school :) I was interrupted in a beautiful way by my little man angel <3 LOVE HIM!!! But, now that he is 14 months, why not try to go back to that path. Revisit the idea of getting that degree. So, next week, I will head off to the college to see what is going on over there. What else I need for financial aid, etc. Who knows, maybe there are more grants for a single mom in this town than there were in pdx..
There are just so many non-traditional, non "40 hour a week" life plans I could take right now. Hey, if all else fails, I can always resort to plan B, which would be the mundane 40 hour work week. I just don't feel like I am cut out for that...Sure, I can do it. And to be honest, I am damn good at it. But it's not my passion. I am passionate about other things. Like writing, dancing, my baby boy, living life to the fullest! Why not? Why cant I at least try, right? After all, if I don't try, I will never know...and I will always regret not taking that chance to find out what could have been.
So...wish me luck, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride :)
Another option...go back to school :) I was interrupted in a beautiful way by my little man angel <3 LOVE HIM!!! But, now that he is 14 months, why not try to go back to that path. Revisit the idea of getting that degree. So, next week, I will head off to the college to see what is going on over there. What else I need for financial aid, etc. Who knows, maybe there are more grants for a single mom in this town than there were in pdx..
There are just so many non-traditional, non "40 hour a week" life plans I could take right now. Hey, if all else fails, I can always resort to plan B, which would be the mundane 40 hour work week. I just don't feel like I am cut out for that...Sure, I can do it. And to be honest, I am damn good at it. But it's not my passion. I am passionate about other things. Like writing, dancing, my baby boy, living life to the fullest! Why not? Why cant I at least try, right? After all, if I don't try, I will never know...and I will always regret not taking that chance to find out what could have been.
So...wish me luck, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Her side of the story
It was mid morning, she woke with sleep still in her eyes. She gently rolled out of the bed as to not wake the man sleeping next to her. She hated this feeling of waking and sneaking out so no one would see her. She walked across the dirt floor, leaving an ever so small wake of dust in her trail. She stepped around the corner and peeked out the doorway. She saw crowds of people walking by. She shook her head and scolded herself silently. She should have been up earlier so she could sneak out without being seen. Now she will have to find a way to get out without being seen by all the people. She took a deep breath as a big knot rose into her stomach. Nerves on edge, "Here goes nothing." She said in a whisper.
She ducked out the door, and at that moment, a man met her eyes. Fear overtook her body as she froze there. She couldn't move, she knew she had been caught. She knew her actions were punishable by death. The man yelled, "Stop! Woman, do not move!"
She panicked. She turned and tried to run but another man cut her off. He grabbed her by the arm. His grip was so tight, it felt as if he would rip her arm off. She began to weep and beg as the overwhelming feeling came over her. She knew this was the end. She had been caught, and there was nothing she could do about it. She begged him to overlook her transgression, but he was not so kind. The man who had first met her eyes approached. His condescending, judgemental glare saw right through her. She thought about the events that led to this moment. She saw a stoning once. She knew it was definitely not the way she wanted to die. The thought of it had her fear stricken. "Come with me." Said the man.
As he gripped her other arm. There was no way she would get free from both of these men. The men led her to the other end of town, she wondered why they didn't just stone her there. Why delay her impending death? As they came to the end of town, she noticed the crowd became thicker. There were more people than she had ever seen there. Why did they have to build a crowd for her stoning? She was already so embarrassed that she had been caught. As they got closer to the center of the crowd, she heard the voice of a man. His voice was peaceful, and kind. She heard him teaching. As they approached him, her eyes met the teachers eyes. She had heard of this man, a lot of people thought he was a prophet or crazy. Some stated he was the messiah. What was his name? She tried to remember. "Jesus!" Someone shouted from the crowd.
That's right, his name was Jesus. She wondered what these two men who gripped her arms so tightly were going to do. She was humiliated. As they approached the teacher, he grew quiet. A look of concern washed over his face. Her eyes met his. She turned away her eyes as the shame washed over her. The men who brought her before him stated "Teacher, This woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?"
She was confused, and for a second she had hope. Hope that maybe he would not have her stoned, that hope was then washed away by her own thoughts. They always followed the law, especially when it came to adultery. A small group of men in the crowd began to pick up large and medium stones. They were ready to throw them at his word. The teacher looked at her, as he did, she felt a deep pit where her stomach should have been. She was so ashamed as he looked at her with kind eyes. The teacher, broke his gaze, bent down, and began to write in the dirt with his finger. She wondered what this peculiar behavior meant. The men prodded him, "Teacher, what do you say?"
He stood again. He looked each of the men in the eyes, and said "Let the one of you who has never sinned throw the first stone."
She held her breath, she clenched her body waiting for the pain of stones being thrown at her soft flesh. The teacher bent down and began to write in the dirt again. Then something happened, she heard a soft thud. She turned and looked, an old man was walking away. She heard another thud. Another man turned and walked away. Then another, and another. Soon, there were no men left. It was just her and Jesus in the midst of the crowd. He stood and said "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"
Amazed, she said "No, Lord. Not one."
Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."
Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what had just happened. This was unheard of. She did as he said. She turned, and walked away in awe. She went down by the river. There was a large weeping willow tree there. It was a beautiful sight as the sun shone down on her. She sat under the shade of the large tree. She took in the events of the day. As she did she couldn't help but hear the teachers words again. In her mind they played over and over again. 'Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.' She decided a that moment she needed to make an honest living. She needed to go back to her father's house, and beg to be taken back. Though she was dirty. She stood. Walked over to the river and waded in. As she bathed herself, trying to wash off the uncleanliness, she prayed to the God of Jacob. She prayed that he would keep her strong in this new life, she prayed that he would bring back her purity. She came out of the water, and began to walk home. Not to the temporary home she had resided in while living her promiscuous life, but the home of her father and mother. The journey was long, a day's walk. As she came over the hill, she saw her father's home. Her stomach became tight. What if they would not accept her back? What if she would be sent away? At this point, it didn't matter. She had to go home. She walked down the dusty road. As she approached the house, she heard the noises of the family inside. In the midst of their dinner, she came through the door. "Hello?" She said. Her mother came around the corner in that moment. The look on her face was of thankfulness. Her daughter was home. She wrapped her arms around her and began to weep. Her father then entered the room, and joined the hug. They stood there weeping, all 3 of them. with tears running down his cheeks, her father said "Welcome home."
She ducked out the door, and at that moment, a man met her eyes. Fear overtook her body as she froze there. She couldn't move, she knew she had been caught. She knew her actions were punishable by death. The man yelled, "Stop! Woman, do not move!"
She panicked. She turned and tried to run but another man cut her off. He grabbed her by the arm. His grip was so tight, it felt as if he would rip her arm off. She began to weep and beg as the overwhelming feeling came over her. She knew this was the end. She had been caught, and there was nothing she could do about it. She begged him to overlook her transgression, but he was not so kind. The man who had first met her eyes approached. His condescending, judgemental glare saw right through her. She thought about the events that led to this moment. She saw a stoning once. She knew it was definitely not the way she wanted to die. The thought of it had her fear stricken. "Come with me." Said the man.
As he gripped her other arm. There was no way she would get free from both of these men. The men led her to the other end of town, she wondered why they didn't just stone her there. Why delay her impending death? As they came to the end of town, she noticed the crowd became thicker. There were more people than she had ever seen there. Why did they have to build a crowd for her stoning? She was already so embarrassed that she had been caught. As they got closer to the center of the crowd, she heard the voice of a man. His voice was peaceful, and kind. She heard him teaching. As they approached him, her eyes met the teachers eyes. She had heard of this man, a lot of people thought he was a prophet or crazy. Some stated he was the messiah. What was his name? She tried to remember. "Jesus!" Someone shouted from the crowd.
That's right, his name was Jesus. She wondered what these two men who gripped her arms so tightly were going to do. She was humiliated. As they approached the teacher, he grew quiet. A look of concern washed over his face. Her eyes met his. She turned away her eyes as the shame washed over her. The men who brought her before him stated "Teacher, This woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?"
She was confused, and for a second she had hope. Hope that maybe he would not have her stoned, that hope was then washed away by her own thoughts. They always followed the law, especially when it came to adultery. A small group of men in the crowd began to pick up large and medium stones. They were ready to throw them at his word. The teacher looked at her, as he did, she felt a deep pit where her stomach should have been. She was so ashamed as he looked at her with kind eyes. The teacher, broke his gaze, bent down, and began to write in the dirt with his finger. She wondered what this peculiar behavior meant. The men prodded him, "Teacher, what do you say?"
He stood again. He looked each of the men in the eyes, and said "Let the one of you who has never sinned throw the first stone."
She held her breath, she clenched her body waiting for the pain of stones being thrown at her soft flesh. The teacher bent down and began to write in the dirt again. Then something happened, she heard a soft thud. She turned and looked, an old man was walking away. She heard another thud. Another man turned and walked away. Then another, and another. Soon, there were no men left. It was just her and Jesus in the midst of the crowd. He stood and said "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"
Amazed, she said "No, Lord. Not one."
Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."
Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what had just happened. This was unheard of. She did as he said. She turned, and walked away in awe. She went down by the river. There was a large weeping willow tree there. It was a beautiful sight as the sun shone down on her. She sat under the shade of the large tree. She took in the events of the day. As she did she couldn't help but hear the teachers words again. In her mind they played over and over again. 'Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.' She decided a that moment she needed to make an honest living. She needed to go back to her father's house, and beg to be taken back. Though she was dirty. She stood. Walked over to the river and waded in. As she bathed herself, trying to wash off the uncleanliness, she prayed to the God of Jacob. She prayed that he would keep her strong in this new life, she prayed that he would bring back her purity. She came out of the water, and began to walk home. Not to the temporary home she had resided in while living her promiscuous life, but the home of her father and mother. The journey was long, a day's walk. As she came over the hill, she saw her father's home. Her stomach became tight. What if they would not accept her back? What if she would be sent away? At this point, it didn't matter. She had to go home. She walked down the dusty road. As she approached the house, she heard the noises of the family inside. In the midst of their dinner, she came through the door. "Hello?" She said. Her mother came around the corner in that moment. The look on her face was of thankfulness. Her daughter was home. She wrapped her arms around her and began to weep. Her father then entered the room, and joined the hug. They stood there weeping, all 3 of them. with tears running down his cheeks, her father said "Welcome home."
Friday, May 4, 2012
2am feeding
Ha...I'm a mom now :) I knew I would love motherhood, and its pretty much what I expected except way better! I am loving every moment of time with this little man God has blessed me with. I sit and stare at him sometimes, thinking about how one single cell turned into a living, breathing human baby boy. With 10 perfect fingers, and 10 perfect toes. I must say, I LOVE his toes!!! They are so cute :) He is the light of my life, and I love every minute of time while he is little. I love every snuggle, and cuddle, and when he pee's on me or poops on me, I just laugh. Because, he sits there with this innocent little look on his face like as if to say "What? Did I do that?" lol... I think God had to make mom's be so in love with their children from day 1...otherwise. no one would ever reproduce, or we would then not take care of them... Motherhood is an incredible experience. Eventhough I am doing it as a single parent, which makes it harder...I am so in love and already I don't know how I ever lived without this little man. I love that he is so cuddly and snuggly. God gave me the perfect baby boy :) anyway, enough bragging on him...for a minute ;)
2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.
God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3
2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.
God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3
Monday, March 12, 2012
"My grace truly is enough..."
The room was quiet, empty. She was alone as she thought about everything that had aspired. As the shame and guilt began to wash over her, she dropped her head and began to speak...
"God, I dont know what to do. I have tried so many times to change this behavior....I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't break this habit. I know I need to change. Everytime I fail. I try so hard, but I fail so often. When will you step down and help me? When will I get a grip on this problem? I know that I am hurting myself and the ones I love, but I can't stop. It's not healthy for me to act this way. I know your grace is enough, but how many times will I mess up before you stop loving me? How many times will I fail before you retract your grace? How many times do I need to fail before I get it right? I am such a failure. I wish I could get it right. Everytime I mess up, I tell you I wont do it again. Before I know it, I am back here again. I need something to change. This is no way to live. The secret I bear is fearfully large. I can't share it with anyone. The lonliness, the isolation is unbearable at times. I know I could change this, do I just not want it bad enough? Do I just need to give up? Stop trying? How can I change when I know I will fail again? This pattern has been too much to bear. I don't deserve to be forgiven again by you. I don't deserve to be shown grace and mercy. How much grace can one God have? How many times can I fail before you cut me off from your grace? How many times can I fail and be redeemed? I try so hard. I just dont know if I can do this anymore. The battle is becoming too difficult to fight. I have needed you, but I have not found you. Will you show me how to do the right thing? I know I can't have that many chances left. Especially since I have been forgiven already, so many times. I know all I have to do is ask for your grace, and mercy. I know I just need to ask you to forgive me, but how can I do that when I know I will fail again. That would mean I am not really, truly sorry. That would mean my repentance is not true, because they said in church that repentance, is turning around and running the other direction. I dont think I can do this anymore. God, are you listening? Are you there? Can you help me? Am I just beyond help?"
She sat there with her head down, out of breath from the words she spoke. He replied...
"My dear, precious child. I have always loved you. I always will. I said in my word to you forgive not once, but 7X70 times. My grace is truly enough for you. Thats why its called grace. You can't earn it, you can't buy it. I give it freely because I love you. I will forgive you more times than you can count. I love you, this is why I gave my life for you. It does hurt me to see you this way. I want to see your heart broken for what breaks mine. Your heart, I gave you a tender heart. I have forgiven you everytime you asked. You're right, all you have to do is ask. Every time it will get easier, I am right by your side. I will never leave you. It doesn't matter to me how many times you fail. Just keep trying. I know the road you have walked, I know the pain you have felt, I know the temptation you have endured. This life is not everything I had intended for you. I have so much more for you. I am just waiting patiently for you to have the desire to have it. I am here. I fight for you when you cannot fight. I carry you when you cannot walk. I watch over you when you cannot keep watch yourself. Never do I sleep, never do I break from your side. You are my beautiful creation, my beautiful daughter. I love you, and I hope that you know my grace truly is enough."
"God, I dont know what to do. I have tried so many times to change this behavior....I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't break this habit. I know I need to change. Everytime I fail. I try so hard, but I fail so often. When will you step down and help me? When will I get a grip on this problem? I know that I am hurting myself and the ones I love, but I can't stop. It's not healthy for me to act this way. I know your grace is enough, but how many times will I mess up before you stop loving me? How many times will I fail before you retract your grace? How many times do I need to fail before I get it right? I am such a failure. I wish I could get it right. Everytime I mess up, I tell you I wont do it again. Before I know it, I am back here again. I need something to change. This is no way to live. The secret I bear is fearfully large. I can't share it with anyone. The lonliness, the isolation is unbearable at times. I know I could change this, do I just not want it bad enough? Do I just need to give up? Stop trying? How can I change when I know I will fail again? This pattern has been too much to bear. I don't deserve to be forgiven again by you. I don't deserve to be shown grace and mercy. How much grace can one God have? How many times can I fail before you cut me off from your grace? How many times can I fail and be redeemed? I try so hard. I just dont know if I can do this anymore. The battle is becoming too difficult to fight. I have needed you, but I have not found you. Will you show me how to do the right thing? I know I can't have that many chances left. Especially since I have been forgiven already, so many times. I know all I have to do is ask for your grace, and mercy. I know I just need to ask you to forgive me, but how can I do that when I know I will fail again. That would mean I am not really, truly sorry. That would mean my repentance is not true, because they said in church that repentance, is turning around and running the other direction. I dont think I can do this anymore. God, are you listening? Are you there? Can you help me? Am I just beyond help?"
She sat there with her head down, out of breath from the words she spoke. He replied...
"My dear, precious child. I have always loved you. I always will. I said in my word to you forgive not once, but 7X70 times. My grace is truly enough for you. Thats why its called grace. You can't earn it, you can't buy it. I give it freely because I love you. I will forgive you more times than you can count. I love you, this is why I gave my life for you. It does hurt me to see you this way. I want to see your heart broken for what breaks mine. Your heart, I gave you a tender heart. I have forgiven you everytime you asked. You're right, all you have to do is ask. Every time it will get easier, I am right by your side. I will never leave you. It doesn't matter to me how many times you fail. Just keep trying. I know the road you have walked, I know the pain you have felt, I know the temptation you have endured. This life is not everything I had intended for you. I have so much more for you. I am just waiting patiently for you to have the desire to have it. I am here. I fight for you when you cannot fight. I carry you when you cannot walk. I watch over you when you cannot keep watch yourself. Never do I sleep, never do I break from your side. You are my beautiful creation, my beautiful daughter. I love you, and I hope that you know my grace truly is enough."
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A blessing and a storm
She sat in the chair. The music was loud, in her belly she could feel the kicks and flutters. She wasnt sure if the baby was unhappy, or enjoying the music. She did know his hearing had developed, so he could hear the music. She wondered what life would be like in a few short months. She was overwhelmed, tired. The pregnancy had been a journey so far. She was enjoying every moment of becoming a mother, but she also was scared to do this alone. She sat and reflected on the last 7 months. She thought of the people who supported her, the people who disowned her, and the lonliness she felt through it all. She thought of the blessing she carried in her belly, and how excited she was that she would finally pass into motherhood. She also thought of the reality that she would be raising this baby alone, how scary a thought. She began to weep as she thought of the overwhelming responisibility that faced her in just a few months. She was scared. She was tired of doing life alone. She wanted so badly to share this experience with someone who would be there for her, to support her, to love and cherish her. She thought about how life hadnt turned out the way she had hoped. From the time she was a little girl she had dreamed that she would one day get married, then have children. She never expected that she would be doing it backwards, she never thought she would be a single mom. She was tired of walking this life alone, but she also knew that she would not settle for a man again. She would never rush into a marriage again. She had grown a backbone, and was not willing to settle. Not willing to be with someone, just to be with someone. She needed to know him thoroughly before she could enter into a marriage again. Now things just seemed so much more complicated. She felt like now that she was going to have a baby, no man would want her. Not the good ones anyway. What was wrong with her? She owned her home, was successful in her career, was tall, blonde, and from what people always said, beautiful. So why was she still single? Why did life not turn out the way she had dreamed of? Why couldn't they see that she was independent, yet weak to the point of needing a life partner? She felt like she didnt really matter, like people cared but not enough to make it a point to be a part of her life. She knew she was being selfish, but so what. She wanted the whole dream life. She was tired of doing it alone, and she was tired of spending nights alone. She had to learn how to be a person again after her failed marriage. It took a long time, a lot of healing, and she still felt so broken.
She leaned forward in her chair, her nose was dripping and tears were streaming steadily down her face. She didnt want anyone to see her crying. She didnt want anyone to come ask her what was wrong, and she was so thankful for the dim lighting in the church building. She was so thankful that the band was playing loud enough to cover the soft sobbing coming from her heart. She wiped the tears away from her eyes and thought of the people she loved in her life. She thought of how supportive some people were, and how others had banished her from their lives. She felt like they blamed her, judged her. She wished they understood that she didnt get pregnant on purpose, she didnt get pregnant to hurt them, but that this was such a blessing. This was Gods timing for her. Maybe it wasnt the best timing, and maybe it was done in sin, but God still blessed her with a baby. Which was something she had needed for a long time. She tried to be sensetive to people who could not have a baby, the people who wanted children, were trying, and were not being successful. She knew how much it hurt, because she, too had felt that pain before. She knew not only the deep desire to have children, but also the pain of miscarriage. She knew what it was like to hate other people for sharing their happy news. She had been jealous of people who had babies, for a long time her heart ached to have a baby. To be a mother, for a long time, its all she wanted. She thought of the one she lost. She thought of how difficult it had been. She thought of the kind of child he would have been. As tears ran down her face, she thought of how she was so blessed that this baby was alive and kicking inside her, how she was so excited, but also could not fully enjoy the time because she knew that her having a baby was hurting other people. She thought about how there was nothing she could do about it, and her heart went out to those people. She wished her friends would not have become so upset with her. She wished they had not said some of the hurtful things they did, but she also knew that they only said hurtful things to her because they were hurt by the fact that she was having a baby and they were not. She knew that there was a reason people stopped talking to her....at least some of them. She understood their frustration with her, their anger at God, and the unending questions of 'why not me?' She truly felt bad that she was enjoying her blessing, when she knew other poeple were still in anguish about their circumstances.
She adjusted in the hard plastic chair, sitting had become slightly uncomfortable for her at this stage in her pregnancy. Then again, standing, laying, and any other position had become uncomfortable as well. The tears didnt stop coming, she wondered what people thought of her. She wondered if people thought she was just a cry baby because thats all she seemed to do here. This place, though she didnt connect with many of the people, she could feel Gods presence, and she knew that He was there with her. She continued to cry as she drifted back into the deep thoughts of her pregnancy, people, and the circumstances in general. She thought of how she had felt just prior to becoming pregnant. She thought of how the year before she had been celebate. She had done everything right, in her eyes, she was on the right track. She was involved in church, she was celebate, clean and sober, she had a good job, led a bible study, read her bible, she was on the right track. She couldnt understand why in the midst of this, she was so attacked by lonliness. She was so attacked in her disease. She remembered feeling like God didnt care anymore. She remembered feeling that He was there, blessing everyone around her, but she was still stuck in the same place. As hindsight is 20/20, she had since realized she was working for his approval. Just like she had been taught to do, to be a good girl and not make waves. She rememberd feeling like she was doing everything right, and God was just throwing blessings to other people but He kept passing her up. She felt like God had forgotten about her, or just wasnt paying attention. She remembered feeling like she was barely hanging on by a thread. How she felt like she was in a boxing ring, and the devil was throwing punch after punch. She was on the ground, bleeding and bruised. She had felt this way for a while before she slipped up and started sleeping with her boyfriend. She felt like had been slipping, because if she was doing everything right and still not being blessed, then what was it all for? Once she became pregnant, she felt as though God had stepped into the ring with her, put his foot down, and said 'enough.' She felt like becoming pregnant was Gods way of saying, 'I havent forgotten about you, I still love you even in the midst of your sin.' From that experience, she knew that God loved her. As she sat in the hard plastic chair, she still felt as though she was in a phase of her life which required intense repair of her soul, but she hadnt the strength to seek it out. She hadnt the fight left in her to get up and keep going, for the last 7 months, God was carrying her along because she didnt have the strength to walk on her own. She was weary, and she knew God was teaching her that she didnt have to do everything right in order to be blessed by him. He wanted all of her, not just the 'perfect' parts of her. He wanted to be right in the middle of her messy life. He knew that she could not fully trust him unless she was falling apart at the seams. So, he gave her a baby. She gently rubbed her belly as she thought of this. She thought to herself how special it was for her that she was finally having a baby. How eventhough she had to do this alone, she was ready. She did not want to be a single mother, but she was clearly not being sought after. Therefore, she was incredibly frustrated with her situation, but somehow she knew it was all ok in the end.
She sat back in her chair as the song changed over. She recognized it right away. The words were ever piercing her heart. This was Gods love song to her, the tears that had dried up began to flow again as the words pierced her thoughts. The band began to sing "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy....When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...and, oh how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so..." This was their song, her and God. She sat there and soaked in the words, she couldnt sing because she was sobbing. She felt as though people thought she was stuck up, or had not a strong walk with God, but she didnt care. She was fine with them thinking what they would. She just knew that she was spending a sweet moment with her creator. He was healing her heart one day at a time, one moment at a time. She continued to soak in the sweet melodies of the song, as she held her belly, thinking of how blessed she was to be given such a precious gift. Thinking of all the people who supported her, who were hurt by her blessing, and how much God must have loved her to give her such a big responsibility. She just wished she had someone to share it with, but she was ready for the challenge either way.
She leaned forward in her chair, her nose was dripping and tears were streaming steadily down her face. She didnt want anyone to see her crying. She didnt want anyone to come ask her what was wrong, and she was so thankful for the dim lighting in the church building. She was so thankful that the band was playing loud enough to cover the soft sobbing coming from her heart. She wiped the tears away from her eyes and thought of the people she loved in her life. She thought of how supportive some people were, and how others had banished her from their lives. She felt like they blamed her, judged her. She wished they understood that she didnt get pregnant on purpose, she didnt get pregnant to hurt them, but that this was such a blessing. This was Gods timing for her. Maybe it wasnt the best timing, and maybe it was done in sin, but God still blessed her with a baby. Which was something she had needed for a long time. She tried to be sensetive to people who could not have a baby, the people who wanted children, were trying, and were not being successful. She knew how much it hurt, because she, too had felt that pain before. She knew not only the deep desire to have children, but also the pain of miscarriage. She knew what it was like to hate other people for sharing their happy news. She had been jealous of people who had babies, for a long time her heart ached to have a baby. To be a mother, for a long time, its all she wanted. She thought of the one she lost. She thought of how difficult it had been. She thought of the kind of child he would have been. As tears ran down her face, she thought of how she was so blessed that this baby was alive and kicking inside her, how she was so excited, but also could not fully enjoy the time because she knew that her having a baby was hurting other people. She thought about how there was nothing she could do about it, and her heart went out to those people. She wished her friends would not have become so upset with her. She wished they had not said some of the hurtful things they did, but she also knew that they only said hurtful things to her because they were hurt by the fact that she was having a baby and they were not. She knew that there was a reason people stopped talking to her....at least some of them. She understood their frustration with her, their anger at God, and the unending questions of 'why not me?' She truly felt bad that she was enjoying her blessing, when she knew other poeple were still in anguish about their circumstances.
She adjusted in the hard plastic chair, sitting had become slightly uncomfortable for her at this stage in her pregnancy. Then again, standing, laying, and any other position had become uncomfortable as well. The tears didnt stop coming, she wondered what people thought of her. She wondered if people thought she was just a cry baby because thats all she seemed to do here. This place, though she didnt connect with many of the people, she could feel Gods presence, and she knew that He was there with her. She continued to cry as she drifted back into the deep thoughts of her pregnancy, people, and the circumstances in general. She thought of how she had felt just prior to becoming pregnant. She thought of how the year before she had been celebate. She had done everything right, in her eyes, she was on the right track. She was involved in church, she was celebate, clean and sober, she had a good job, led a bible study, read her bible, she was on the right track. She couldnt understand why in the midst of this, she was so attacked by lonliness. She was so attacked in her disease. She remembered feeling like God didnt care anymore. She remembered feeling that He was there, blessing everyone around her, but she was still stuck in the same place. As hindsight is 20/20, she had since realized she was working for his approval. Just like she had been taught to do, to be a good girl and not make waves. She rememberd feeling like she was doing everything right, and God was just throwing blessings to other people but He kept passing her up. She felt like God had forgotten about her, or just wasnt paying attention. She remembered feeling like she was barely hanging on by a thread. How she felt like she was in a boxing ring, and the devil was throwing punch after punch. She was on the ground, bleeding and bruised. She had felt this way for a while before she slipped up and started sleeping with her boyfriend. She felt like had been slipping, because if she was doing everything right and still not being blessed, then what was it all for? Once she became pregnant, she felt as though God had stepped into the ring with her, put his foot down, and said 'enough.' She felt like becoming pregnant was Gods way of saying, 'I havent forgotten about you, I still love you even in the midst of your sin.' From that experience, she knew that God loved her. As she sat in the hard plastic chair, she still felt as though she was in a phase of her life which required intense repair of her soul, but she hadnt the strength to seek it out. She hadnt the fight left in her to get up and keep going, for the last 7 months, God was carrying her along because she didnt have the strength to walk on her own. She was weary, and she knew God was teaching her that she didnt have to do everything right in order to be blessed by him. He wanted all of her, not just the 'perfect' parts of her. He wanted to be right in the middle of her messy life. He knew that she could not fully trust him unless she was falling apart at the seams. So, he gave her a baby. She gently rubbed her belly as she thought of this. She thought to herself how special it was for her that she was finally having a baby. How eventhough she had to do this alone, she was ready. She did not want to be a single mother, but she was clearly not being sought after. Therefore, she was incredibly frustrated with her situation, but somehow she knew it was all ok in the end.
She sat back in her chair as the song changed over. She recognized it right away. The words were ever piercing her heart. This was Gods love song to her, the tears that had dried up began to flow again as the words pierced her thoughts. The band began to sing "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy....When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...and, oh how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so..." This was their song, her and God. She sat there and soaked in the words, she couldnt sing because she was sobbing. She felt as though people thought she was stuck up, or had not a strong walk with God, but she didnt care. She was fine with them thinking what they would. She just knew that she was spending a sweet moment with her creator. He was healing her heart one day at a time, one moment at a time. She continued to soak in the sweet melodies of the song, as she held her belly, thinking of how blessed she was to be given such a precious gift. Thinking of all the people who supported her, who were hurt by her blessing, and how much God must have loved her to give her such a big responsibility. She just wished she had someone to share it with, but she was ready for the challenge either way.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
What aches my bacon?
So..it has been a while since I have blogged. Feels like there is so much going on that I just don't get the chance. Either way, I thought I would do a fun one :) Want to know what aches my bacon? If you have no idea what that means, good. It's a Mindy origional phrase! In other words, what frustrates me, or to be more literal, what is a pain in my butt through the typical day. Anyway, before we get to that a little catch up is in order. I'm 27 weeks pregnant now, in other words my baby boy will be here in 13 weeks! OMG... I am freaking out, completely. On the other hand, I am super excited...and I cant wait to see his little face and give him kisses <3 His room is still in the process, but getting finished slowly. Baby showers in the planning, and I am starting to get tired again. Welcome to the third trimester right? Anyway, my house is good, work is great..just trying to adjust to the new position which is proving to be easier than I thought, and I LOVE that my days are going so quick because there is so much to do. It's good times :) So..on to the topic shall we?
I hate it when people tailgate me on the freeway with their bright lights on. Do they not know that is super rude? And, don't even get me started on people driving slow in the fast lane on the freeway.........
Pull out in front of me then drive 10 mph slower than what I was going? Just wait until I go by, then you can drive as slow as you want. On the other hand, I hate it when people tailgate me when I go the speed limit, afterall I am not in the mood to speed all the time ;)
I don't like not having the right information at work. I clarify a lot, inquiring minds want to know. Let me not even get started on customers calling in to port a number without any information. Follow directions....its not that difficult to do :) And, if you don't pay your bill, please don't escalate to me because your phone is suspended...pay the money and we will gladly turn your phone back on. Just sayin ;)
Text me a message? I'll respond, I'm pretty good about that, unless theres some reason I am not able to or I flat out forget. Start a convo with me, please finish it. It really bugs me to be in the middle of a convo that just drops off, I promise to always let you know if I gotta go do something else, or if its too late for me and I'm going to bed. Unless I just fall asleep, in which case, it should be expected for texting me so late.. But, I will always get back to you in the morning....if I remember ;) but no, I am not hypocritical or anything lol...Oh, and if you are flat out ignoring me, spare me the curiosity...just tell me, I may be a bit butthurt but at least I will know, and can move on :)
Men...lol, here is a topic for fun..ha. I don't like games, like me? Tell me, chances are I probably like you too. If not, be prepared for me to slap it in your face and call you a creeper...jk! I kid, kid.. I try to let people down easy. If I say I don't like you, please just get over me and, wait for it...MOVE ON!!! I know, I know...blunt, but from what I hear...it works. If you're a guy and I like you, you probably know it by now...maybe you need clarification, maybe I have already shown some interest and you pretty much get it...if thats the case, DON'T LEAD ME ON. It's just not very nice. Scared? Imagine how I feel...I am in a place in my life where I am looking for the real deal, not just a fling. I am having this kid in approximately 3 months and I need a partner, someone who is going to commit, if thats not you...please don't pretend it could be. Just let me down easy and find someone else to play games with...afterall, the kid's dad is a game player and I'm OVER it :) Just sayin....not to say I am the best communicator in the world, cause frankly I kinda suck at it.. but I give it my best shot. Anyway, this blog isn't just about guys, sorry dude ;)
Side note: Both my cats are sleeping on the back of the couch right now, and its super cute :)
I am an open book, for the most part. Want to know something? Just ask..I don't bite, and I will let you know if I am not comfortable with your topic of choice or question... Want to know about baby's father, ask me. In fact, let me just clear that one up right now. I don't blame him, I am not still hurt over the situation, I am a strong woman and I know I will be ok. Yes, he got me pregnant then walked out. You want to call him a jerk, fine. Don't expect me to, I believe that he has other issues as to why he wanted nothing to do with his child. Am I going for child support? Probably not, don't judge me. I am tired of people telling me what I "should" do...don't should on me. Didn't understand that last little phrase? Say it out loud, it will click. lol. Frankly, the decisions I make in going for child support, or what relationship I end up having with the childs father, is mine to make. You want to ask questions, go for it. I will be honest with you. But, don't try to tell me what to do. On another note, I am over him. Completely, I am looking toward the future. I am looking at life in the aspect of me and my son and one very lucky guy who will get to be a part, looking back is not in the plan or picture. I am not dwelling on the past, Camden's father made a choice, there's nothing I can do to change that. Cam doesn't belong to him at all. God gave Cam to me, had baby's father wanted to be a part I of course would have been happy to have him, but he didn't. Therefore, he misses out and some other very lucky guy will get to help raise Cam as his own. Anyway, I hope that clarifies a bit for people...like I said, curious? Just ask. You won't be bringing up a sore subject. I promise :)
Other pet peeves...
Slow internet, I am not a patient person.
Long lines when I walk into Starbucks, or any fast food place or restaraunt...I go there for convenience, and again..I am not a patient person.
Football...lol, or sports in general.. Occassionally like to watch a game here or there, but when people place it above me, it really aches my bacon.
Dishes and laundry...I JUST got all that crap clean and put away, now its dirty again. lol...
Taking the garbage out...it's just a trashy job..hee hee ;)
Being too hot or too cold, not a fun way to be...especially if I can't do anything about it.
Ok..this is not a pet peeve, but more of a do and die kind of thing. Come in to my house and disrespect me, my baby (when he comes), or either of my animals and you can consider us no longer friends...Stuff is stuff, but abuse or being mean to my animals is not ok. Have a problem with cats? Let me know ahead of time, I will put them in the back room so you don't have to see them...
So...let me just say, that this stuff is not necessarily based off anything that has or hasn't happened, Im just throwing it all out there for fun. Like, I haven't ever had someone be mean to my cats :) Its just one of those things to throw on the list :) I hope you have enjoyed this slightly sarcastic, fun blog. Be safe out there!
I hate it when people tailgate me on the freeway with their bright lights on. Do they not know that is super rude? And, don't even get me started on people driving slow in the fast lane on the freeway.........
Pull out in front of me then drive 10 mph slower than what I was going? Just wait until I go by, then you can drive as slow as you want. On the other hand, I hate it when people tailgate me when I go the speed limit, afterall I am not in the mood to speed all the time ;)
I don't like not having the right information at work. I clarify a lot, inquiring minds want to know. Let me not even get started on customers calling in to port a number without any information. Follow directions....its not that difficult to do :) And, if you don't pay your bill, please don't escalate to me because your phone is suspended...pay the money and we will gladly turn your phone back on. Just sayin ;)
Text me a message? I'll respond, I'm pretty good about that, unless theres some reason I am not able to or I flat out forget. Start a convo with me, please finish it. It really bugs me to be in the middle of a convo that just drops off, I promise to always let you know if I gotta go do something else, or if its too late for me and I'm going to bed. Unless I just fall asleep, in which case, it should be expected for texting me so late.. But, I will always get back to you in the morning....if I remember ;) but no, I am not hypocritical or anything lol...Oh, and if you are flat out ignoring me, spare me the curiosity...just tell me, I may be a bit butthurt but at least I will know, and can move on :)
Men...lol, here is a topic for fun..ha. I don't like games, like me? Tell me, chances are I probably like you too. If not, be prepared for me to slap it in your face and call you a creeper...jk! I kid, kid.. I try to let people down easy. If I say I don't like you, please just get over me and, wait for it...MOVE ON!!! I know, I know...blunt, but from what I hear...it works. If you're a guy and I like you, you probably know it by now...maybe you need clarification, maybe I have already shown some interest and you pretty much get it...if thats the case, DON'T LEAD ME ON. It's just not very nice. Scared? Imagine how I feel...I am in a place in my life where I am looking for the real deal, not just a fling. I am having this kid in approximately 3 months and I need a partner, someone who is going to commit, if thats not you...please don't pretend it could be. Just let me down easy and find someone else to play games with...afterall, the kid's dad is a game player and I'm OVER it :) Just sayin....not to say I am the best communicator in the world, cause frankly I kinda suck at it.. but I give it my best shot. Anyway, this blog isn't just about guys, sorry dude ;)
Side note: Both my cats are sleeping on the back of the couch right now, and its super cute :)
I am an open book, for the most part. Want to know something? Just ask..I don't bite, and I will let you know if I am not comfortable with your topic of choice or question... Want to know about baby's father, ask me. In fact, let me just clear that one up right now. I don't blame him, I am not still hurt over the situation, I am a strong woman and I know I will be ok. Yes, he got me pregnant then walked out. You want to call him a jerk, fine. Don't expect me to, I believe that he has other issues as to why he wanted nothing to do with his child. Am I going for child support? Probably not, don't judge me. I am tired of people telling me what I "should" do...don't should on me. Didn't understand that last little phrase? Say it out loud, it will click. lol. Frankly, the decisions I make in going for child support, or what relationship I end up having with the childs father, is mine to make. You want to ask questions, go for it. I will be honest with you. But, don't try to tell me what to do. On another note, I am over him. Completely, I am looking toward the future. I am looking at life in the aspect of me and my son and one very lucky guy who will get to be a part, looking back is not in the plan or picture. I am not dwelling on the past, Camden's father made a choice, there's nothing I can do to change that. Cam doesn't belong to him at all. God gave Cam to me, had baby's father wanted to be a part I of course would have been happy to have him, but he didn't. Therefore, he misses out and some other very lucky guy will get to help raise Cam as his own. Anyway, I hope that clarifies a bit for people...like I said, curious? Just ask. You won't be bringing up a sore subject. I promise :)
Other pet peeves...
Slow internet, I am not a patient person.
Long lines when I walk into Starbucks, or any fast food place or restaraunt...I go there for convenience, and again..I am not a patient person.
Football...lol, or sports in general.. Occassionally like to watch a game here or there, but when people place it above me, it really aches my bacon.
Dishes and laundry...I JUST got all that crap clean and put away, now its dirty again. lol...
Taking the garbage out...it's just a trashy job..hee hee ;)
Being too hot or too cold, not a fun way to be...especially if I can't do anything about it.
Ok..this is not a pet peeve, but more of a do and die kind of thing. Come in to my house and disrespect me, my baby (when he comes), or either of my animals and you can consider us no longer friends...Stuff is stuff, but abuse or being mean to my animals is not ok. Have a problem with cats? Let me know ahead of time, I will put them in the back room so you don't have to see them...
So...let me just say, that this stuff is not necessarily based off anything that has or hasn't happened, Im just throwing it all out there for fun. Like, I haven't ever had someone be mean to my cats :) Its just one of those things to throw on the list :) I hope you have enjoyed this slightly sarcastic, fun blog. Be safe out there!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
So little time
I can't concentrate. I feel like I haven't been able to put out any good writings since I got pregnant....Baby boy is sucking my brain cells away I think.lol... either way, then there's all the emotions which makes me really want to blog it out, but its more of a big ball of emotional mess... therefore, I haven't written anything in what feels like forever, and what I did write was just all depressing and corupt. I feel so overwhelmed right now, there is only 17 weeks left until baby boy is born..it feels like my pregnancy is flying by, and my belly is growing everyday makes it much more real. It's exciting, but also scary. I don't know how I am going to support a baby as well. God is already providing though, I got a promotion at work which is wonderful, at this point, unless God miraculously provides a large sum of money very soon I will only be able to take a 2-3 week maternity leave. I really want to stay home for the full 12 weeks, but this is where it comes down to necessity versus want. Most people would tell me that it's what I get for getting pregnant outside of marriage, or a relationship even. Of courese, I was in a relationship when this happened. I can't help it that he is leaving and doesn't want anything to do with me or his son. I know that God will take care of me and baby boy, and I know that being a single mom is not an easy thing to do, and that this is the "consequence" of my actions, but I think no matter what the circumstances, that mother and baby need that 12 weeks at least to bond and just be together....It saddens my heart that I may not get that full time with my precious baby boy. Don't get me wrong here, I am not complaining, nor am I trying to have a pity party. Just stating my feelings,..this is how I process. How I get through another day, and keep moving forward, by getting it all off my chest. If you don't like it... there's no need for you to continue reading. Just saying... I say that disclaimer, because it seems not everyone understands why I blog. Anyway, enough about that. I had another ultrasound. It was precious, baby boy is still head down. He is getting more precious every day, yesterday he had the hiccups almost all day lol. It made me smile :) I am getting more and more excited everyday to meet my baby boy. I know that God has a call on his life, even at this point. He is going to be a huge light in my world <3 I am already so in love with my child. On a different note, I really can't wait until he comes out so I can have sushi lol. Aside from all that, Christmas shopping is all done, gifts are wrapped, my house is clean, and life is overall good. I know that I have a lot of reasons to be mad or upset at the world, but life is generally good. I love my job, I own my house, I have a loving and supportive family, and I am being blessed with the best gift any woman could ever receive. Its just a matter of remembering the good things in life outweigh the bad, and knowing that eventhough I have to do this alone. That God will provide, therefore, I guess I'm not really alone afterall. Such is life. People don't always understand why I say that about things such as my childs father walking out. Well, the way I see it is that he and I weren't meant to be together, and God will bring someone into my life who will be better for me. He will bring someone into my, and my sons life who will love and care for us both. Someone who will treat us right, someone who will be pivotal in the generations. Someone who my son will love as a father, and someone I will be passionate about and give my whole heart to. At this point, its just a matter of waiting for that someone... in the mean time, I will continue to blog my sadness, frustration, love, happiness, joy, grief, and all my other emotions. I will continue to wait, and enjoy this time that God has provided for me and my baby boy. I will enjoy my career, and my cats :) I suppose thats all for now. Blessings.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
.......nameless
This isnt how it was supposed to be. Alone. Afraid. Awaiting a prince who may never come. Carrying the child of a man who wants nothing to do with it. Disconnected from a loving God who does care. 'Friends' who dont really care. People who say they care but dont. No one reaches out. The energy is gone. There is no chemistry anymore. Judgements come from all angles. Life is sad. Hopeless. Strength has left. Rapid cycling with no way to ease the symptoms. Winter is difficult. Depression strikes half the world, the northern half. Connection is needed. So desperately desiring to be connected. There has to be someone who needs the same. In a season of thankfulness and joy, life is bittersweet. There has to be some way to stop this madness. There is no joy in the joyfulness of life. Mornings are better. Keep pushing through. Just go to bed and life will look better in the morning. It rarely does. Home is lonely. At least there are people at work. One more day. Then it will be the weekend. This feeling is terrible. Its not how life was supposed to turn out. Planning never worked out. Go with the flow. Easier said than done. One day at at time. This too shall pass. Cliche. Such is life...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Reflections
She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.
What is love, that it should love another?
I thought of you today, but thats no suprise. I think of you every day....at least once a day. My heart has been breaking for nearly 3 years now. You love me, then you pull away. The distance is ever so painful, and each time its the same. It makes me wonder if you will ever live up to who God created you to be, but I know thats the devil planting lies in my mind. I have cried over you, prayed for you, cried out to God on your behalf, I have loved you, and been scared for you. Never have I loved another so much. The distance between us, makes me feel like the gap will never be closed. It hurts every time I hear those words, and every time I dont. We both know the truth. Why, couldnt we just be together from the beginning? Life isnt perfect, thats why. Because when sin entered the world, it created hoops we have to jump through. I know you can jump through this one. I know you can be who you are supposed to be. I know that I can do the same, though I have beat this one, there are others that stand in my way. Dont think I am without fault. God is working on my heart as well. He is molding me, shaping me, and strengthening me. He is showing me how to have patience, perseverence and love beyond what anyone could ever know. I am sorry that I made a decision to not wait. I should have, but now I am bringing a life into this world. I am doing it alone. This is never how it was supposed to be, but God has a plan. I still wait. I wait for you, in due time God will bring us together...God has made us with eachother in mind. I know the struggles you face, I faced them too. I know that you have the strength through God to overcome! I believe in you, even if you dont believe in yourself. Even if you feel you're at the end of your line. I believe that you can do it. I have never lost so much sleep over one person. I have been dreaming about you lately, dreaming that you and I were finally united in His perfect timing. I know that God keeps his promises, quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. Every day without you just seems longer, and lonlier. I feel like there is no end in sight. But, I keep pushing forward because its better to wait for His plan, than it is to settle for something that isnt right. There is a saying that says "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If it doesnt, it was never yours in the first place." I have let go, many times. I have had to. Each time you return its sweeter, but each time you part its harder. This time, I have let you go. I am just waiting for your next move. Whatever that may be, its up to you.... Because I am still here, waiting, wishing, hoping, and working on my program and walk with Christ. Trying to do the next right thing. Still thinking of you every day, and still waiting. God has a plan, maybe its you...maybe its not. For right now, I cant imagine anyone else... So, I continue to wait. He will either bring someone who will take my mind off you, or He will lead you in the way you are to go. Either way, I love you. I always have, and I probably always will. God be with you, and I will continue to pray, love, and hope for His plan to come into play. Blessings.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Table for one...
It had been a long day. As she slid in the booth in the back corner of a busy restaraunt on a Friday night. She set her belongings by her side and picked up the menu, she ordered her dinner and waited for it to be served. As she waited she looked around, the place was full of groups and couples..what more could you expect on a Friday night? She was saddened by the thought that she was there alone. She didnt have a group or date, she sat alone. Tired from the day she began to gaze into space and think about the recent events and how she ended up where she is this evening, alone, at a restaraunt. She thought of how just weeks ago she learned of the child she was growing in her belly. She thought of the supportive people, and the ones who's words hurt. She focused on them for a minute. They would say things to her like she was not a good christian, and how could she let this happen, what was she thinking. They would tell her she needed to "get right with God" before she went another day living in sin. All condemning and hurtful words. Who were they to tell her what she needed to do? They never walked in her shoes! They never knew the painful ache of having once had a relationship in marriage and that now being gone, they never knew the pain of waiting for that call to go sell their bodies for money. They didnt know the pain she felt, they didnt know the life she walked, knowing that for the rest of her days her body would be out there for all to see. They didnt know what that felt like, so who were they to judge her for the actions she made? Who were they to tell her what she needs to do or how to live her life? How did they know?
She knew that she had made a mistake, one that got her to this point with a baby growing inside of her. She knew that she needed to work on her walk with Christ, she knew what she needed to do. But she wasnt strong enough to do anything more than take baby steps, and she was! She was slowly healing from the decisions she made that led her here to this place. They didnt get that having a baby would be a healing experience for her, because for so long she mourned the loss of her son. They didnt get that this child would bring purpose and meaning to her life, they didnt get that this child would give her something to live for, something else to focus on. She needed this baby. Obviously she needed this baby or God wouldnt have given it to her.
She thought back to the times she was with the father of the child, how he would sweet talk to her. How he would say things like how much he loved her, and how much he cared. She thought about how quickly those words changed when she let him know that she was expecting. The hurtful words he used, the distance he so quickly drew between them, and the painful feelings she felt from him. She felt used and abandoned, when all she was looking for is someone to take care of her in the first place. The ever returning sinking feeling of being alone forever washed over her. She felt so scared, scared that she had to do this alone. It isnt the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happily married before bringing a child into this world. Life doesnt happen the way we want it to, she thought.
She continued to think about life and where she was, she thought about the things God was in the process of teaching her. She thought about how God was showing her that she didnt have to be perfect in order to be loved by him. She had felt her whole life that she had to "arrive" at a certain point before all of her dreams would come true. She had felt that she was supposed to act, look, and dress a certain way before anyone could love her. Now that she was going to have a baby, she would never arrive. She could never live up to the expectations people set for her. She could never live up to the way people wanted her to act. She would never be good enough for anyone, let alone the God of the universe. But in the still of the night, He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He was showing her that she didnt have to be this person she had made up in her mind she had to become. God was showing her how to be broken, how to be imperfect. He was showing her how to love, when no one loved her. He was showing her how to be his arms and feet. That she didnt need to live a perfect life to speak into someone elses. That the past was the past, and He didnt care about the past, only where she went from this point forward. He was teaching her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, when she never felt it because of what people said about or to her. Her life was full of people's hurtful words. She really just wondered when people would stop. She wished everyone were as loving as some people. But life isnt perfect-
She was snapped back to the moment in time when her server brought dinner. She decided maybe it was best to finish her meal, despite the bizzare looks she was getting from other people around, and leave the deep thoughts and figurings of life for another day. She decided that in the end, it all came down to one thing and one thing only. What God see's in her, not what people see in her. Because people are imperfect, but God is perfect love, the creator of the universe is the only one she should be trying to impress...
She knew that she had made a mistake, one that got her to this point with a baby growing inside of her. She knew that she needed to work on her walk with Christ, she knew what she needed to do. But she wasnt strong enough to do anything more than take baby steps, and she was! She was slowly healing from the decisions she made that led her here to this place. They didnt get that having a baby would be a healing experience for her, because for so long she mourned the loss of her son. They didnt get that this child would bring purpose and meaning to her life, they didnt get that this child would give her something to live for, something else to focus on. She needed this baby. Obviously she needed this baby or God wouldnt have given it to her.
She thought back to the times she was with the father of the child, how he would sweet talk to her. How he would say things like how much he loved her, and how much he cared. She thought about how quickly those words changed when she let him know that she was expecting. The hurtful words he used, the distance he so quickly drew between them, and the painful feelings she felt from him. She felt used and abandoned, when all she was looking for is someone to take care of her in the first place. The ever returning sinking feeling of being alone forever washed over her. She felt so scared, scared that she had to do this alone. It isnt the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happily married before bringing a child into this world. Life doesnt happen the way we want it to, she thought.
She continued to think about life and where she was, she thought about the things God was in the process of teaching her. She thought about how God was showing her that she didnt have to be perfect in order to be loved by him. She had felt her whole life that she had to "arrive" at a certain point before all of her dreams would come true. She had felt that she was supposed to act, look, and dress a certain way before anyone could love her. Now that she was going to have a baby, she would never arrive. She could never live up to the expectations people set for her. She could never live up to the way people wanted her to act. She would never be good enough for anyone, let alone the God of the universe. But in the still of the night, He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He was showing her that she didnt have to be this person she had made up in her mind she had to become. God was showing her how to be broken, how to be imperfect. He was showing her how to love, when no one loved her. He was showing her how to be his arms and feet. That she didnt need to live a perfect life to speak into someone elses. That the past was the past, and He didnt care about the past, only where she went from this point forward. He was teaching her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, when she never felt it because of what people said about or to her. Her life was full of people's hurtful words. She really just wondered when people would stop. She wished everyone were as loving as some people. But life isnt perfect-
She was snapped back to the moment in time when her server brought dinner. She decided maybe it was best to finish her meal, despite the bizzare looks she was getting from other people around, and leave the deep thoughts and figurings of life for another day. She decided that in the end, it all came down to one thing and one thing only. What God see's in her, not what people see in her. Because people are imperfect, but God is perfect love, the creator of the universe is the only one she should be trying to impress...
Thursday, July 28, 2011
picking up the pieces...
I suppose its time to get back into this whole writing thing...er blogging thing. Anyway, tomorrow I start back at Consumer, I'm excited to go back. Aside from that, I have been hiking like mad, and Gram and I are in training to hike Mt. St, Helens..I cant wait! Lets see, its been so long since I have written a blog I feel like I am out of touch with my creative writing side. I cleaned house today, deep cleaned...I never let my house get too messy. Not really sure when or how I became a clean freak...maybe because I dont have cable, and I like a clean place...oh well. What else.. life is good, I was thinking the other day. The question that comes to mind is how did I become who I am today? How did I become the girl my mom warned me about when I was younger? What I mean by that is, I am the girl guys want to have sex with, not a relationship. This recently came to my attention when about 4 different guys said they wanted a relationship with me then the first time we were alone they tried to jump in bed with me. Well, then theres the few that just flat out asked me if they could sleep with me, no strings attached. Yeah, I am weak sometimes, but God gave me the strength to hold out...except for one. oops... I am not perfect, in fact far from it. I think the enemy attacks me in this area because of my past. What I used to do for a living makes me an easy target I guess.. well, new rule. If a guy wants to date me, he has to go through an interview with my stepdad :) lol...yeah, I am going to that length! Then they have to get approval from him, he doesnt approve, I dont date them! So keep that in mind guys ;) anyway, my mom was saying that as women we put off a vibe that says either "Im down to have sex" or "Touch me and die" lol...I guess, from my conclusion I have been putting off the wrong vibe. hmm... food for thought, how can I change this image? (Thats a rhetorical question) Do I dress super slutty? (another rhetorical question)...I think that I am going to have to do some soul searching on this topic. On another note, I definitely need to do the next right thing. Which, by the way, is my definition of worship. Most people look at worship as something you do in church, others say its time and money, others say its singing, or all of the above. In my mind, worship=doing the next right thing. No matter what the circumstances. Now, obviously we as humans, myself especially, dont always do the next right thing. For me, its about when I realize I have done the wrong thing, picking up the pieces and doing the next right thing. How's that for a definition? I like it :) my goodness, I am jumping from topic to topic... I got thirsty the other night, first time in a long time that has happened to me. It only lasted a minute, thank goodness. Then today while I was at lunch I ran into a fellow aa, and gave him a hug. He's an old timer with a lot of time under his belt. I think tomorrow night I'll go to CR, even if I have to be late. Next week I plan to pick up at least one meeting. Hopefully, course we have been hiking a lot, and need to do more. Hopefully 2 hikes next week. Well, 2 a week until we summit Mt. St. Helens for that matter. Thats the goal anyway. Okay, one more topic for the evening then I'm off here :) I was thinking the other day about how dependent we are on our cell phones. Did you know there was a study done recently? It showed that people who were without their cell phones for, I think 3 days, had the same feelings of a person who had been kidnapped!! Can you believe that? I can...So, here was my thought. How dependent we are on our cell phones vs. how dependent we are on the bible. I never leave the house without my phone, and if I do, I feel incomplete, and lost. However, I leave my bible home all the time! How much different, how much stronger would our walk be if we depended on our bibles as much as we depend on our cell phones? I guess thats just another tidbit of food for thought. Overall, life is good right now. I need to change some things, recent choices led me to this place of isolation from God, and I am just trying to find my way back to his arms right now. I am just tired of the cycle. I dont know, I guess right now I just needed to word vomit all over my blog...Its time to pick up the pieces of my life, and get back to a place where I know I am supposed to be... C'est la vie...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Late night ride... c/1
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
She set down her book, walked quietly over to the door. She turned the deadbolt and it clicked into the unlocked position. She turned the knob and slowly, gently, and quitely opened the door. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his face. He was standing there, so cool and collected. His jet black hair, spiked on his head, his dark grey tee, with stylish jeans, leather jacket, and a helmet snug up under his arm.
"Hey." He said, in a quiet gentle tone with a sly smile on his face.
"Hey." She returned with a smirk on her face and in her voice.
They had known eachother for some time now, he worked in a different department, but he smiled at her everytime he was in her area, or she was in his, and every time, her heart skipped a beat. Her face felt hot as if to say 'I'm bright red! Look at me!' It always embarrassed her, she wished her face wouldnt be so obnoxiously rebellious in its color. She couldnt help it though, she knew that there was more between them than a casual 'hi', or 'how are you today' every so often. She was ready to find out about this mystery guy. What was he all about, anyway?
He was nervous. His stomache in a knot, 'what if she doesnt like me after tonight' he thought to himself. He always tried to find reasons to go into her department at work, just so he could say hi. She was so beautiful! He swallowed back the nervous lump in his throat, took off his helmet and put down the kick stand on his BMW sports bike he loved that bike. He had been riding since he was 6 years old, and had finally gotten his dream bike only months prior, but he already knew how to handle it. As he stood and swung his leg over the seat to stand, he felt almost weak in the knees. This girl did that to him, and he loved it. As he moved slowly up the stairs to her apartment, he replayed their conversation from earlier in his mind. Him asking if she would like to go out for a late night ride, her smile in agreement, he was thrilled. He approached her door, and gave it a knock. He waited, and then heard the click of the door unlock, as she opened it from the other side, he saw her standing there, with a smirk on her face. She was not just beautiful, she was gorgeous! Her long wavy blonde hair fell perfectly into place, her deep blue eyes, and amazing smile, and oh her freckles! They drove him crazy. She was perfect in her looks, and her personality, she was sweet. He greeted her
"Hey." He could feel a sly smile creeping on his face.
"Hey." She said with a smirk, on her beautiful face.
She invited him inside, as she thought to herself 'he is actually here! He really came...' She figured he would come in, they would chat, then go on this late night ride he had promised her...of course it was already 10 P.M. She really wasnt sure what direction she should go with the timeframe, but she didnt care. It was friday night, she could sleep in the morning. All that mattered at that moment is him being there with her, thats all she cared about. Nothing else mattered, not even if they actually went for that ride or not. What he did next suprised her some. He got this look in his eye, a twinkle, that said 'I have something wonderful planned.' Next he grabbed her hand and gently pulled her out the door, it closed behind her, then he led her down the stairs, to his bike. She smiled as he handed her a helmet and helped her put it on, then gently tighten the strap. She liked the way he was so gentle with her, it was almost like he thought he would break her, she liked it. He said to her the words she would remember for the rest of her life...
"Are you ready ride with me?" She nodded and climbed on behind him, she liked the feel of his back to her front as she wrapped her arms around him to hold tight. He felt strong, and she felt safe probably for the first time in her life. Before he backed out of the parking space, she looked up at the sky, stars were everywhere! Like someone had sprinkled glitter in the dark, night sky. It was a beautiful moment in time. In a moment they were off.
He stood there looking her over for a minute, when she invited him in for a moment. He hesitated in her beauty, then went for it. He gently snatched up her hand, being careful not to be too rough. He wanted her to like him afterall, what girl would like a guy who was rough? Probably not a single one. He led her quickly but gently down the stairs and looked back to see her door close behind her, and her long blonde hair flowing. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get over her beauty. He led her to his bike, and handed her the helmet he had bought earlier that day, just for her to use. This would be the first time he had taken a passenger on his bike, and this one, oh such precious cargo she is. He wanted to make sure she would be safe and protected, so he bought the best helmet he could find. He helped her put it on, as he did his hand brushed over her hair, it was so soft and smoothe. As he tightened the helmet strap for her, the back of his hand came to her jawline, her skin was so flawless. She seemed perfect in every way. Once he was sure her helmet was on correctly, and she would be safe he looked her in the eye and said
"Are you ready to ride with me?" He watched as she smiled, nodded and climbed on behind him. She wrapped her delicate arms around him, he liked the feel of her against him. He had to make sure he drove extra careful tonight, he didnt want to do anything wrong, anything stupid, with such a priceless girl with him. With a sigh of hope, he backed out of the parking space and they were off.
As they rode through the dark of night, she felt so special. She loved the way their bodies seemed to move as one. The way they leaned together. She knew if she just followed his lead she would be okay. She wasnt sure where they were going exactly, but she didnt care. He was in charge, and she was happy to be there with him.
He had the perfect spot picked out. He had been there a few times before, but only by himself to think or pray after the initial time, when his sister showed him the spot. Never had he taken anyone to his secret spot, he didnt think it would be right, but now, with her, it seemed ok. He wanted to take her there, he wanted the night to be special, one she would never forget. He didnt want to mess this up! Afterall, she had already said yes. He just wanted to show her the best time he could. Every turn, he was careful. He had to be careful! He wouldnt mind crashing if it were just himself, but with her on behind, he couldnt, wouldnt crash this bike! He felt her snuggle in a little closer, and wrap her arms a little tighter, he liked that. He liked feeling her take his lead in which way to lean. Feeling their bodies move as one, was a great feeling. As they arrived at his secret lookout destination, he pulled up carefully. Parked, gently put the kickstand down and clicked off the engine. He felt her release her grip on him, and step off the bike. He followed behind her. They both removed their helmets, he thought he would take a chance once again, he gently reached for her soft hand and led her to the edge of the lookout, they sat on the bench there. She looked out, but he had seen it before, his eyes were on her. He watched her take a deep breath, and exhale, as if she were in a deep moment of thought. She turned to him.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." He usually didnt want to talk about his sister, but he felt comfortable sharing with her. He wanted her to know everything, but he certainly didnt want to scare her away. So he stuck with small talk at first.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now."
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." He was suprised at her openess, but welcomed it. He wanted to know everything about her. He was sad for her son though. He couldnt imagine how hard that must be to lose a child.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" He replied as he looked into her eyes. Deep blue and beautiful, he could see the pain inside her though. It was clear she was deeply hurt by the loss of her unborn child.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."
As he listened to her talk he responded, they jumped from topic to topic, slowly discussing their lives. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. He didnt pay attention to the time. They were conversing intently with eachother, learning the details of eachothers lives.
She didnt want to let go when he slowed to a stop and clicked off the engine. She held on just a moment longer, hoping he wouldn't think she was weird for holding him close a second longer. She loosed her grip on him, and dismounted the bike. She loved riding with him. She watched him step off, and remove his helmet. She did the same. He then gently took hold of her hand, and butterflies hit her stomach! He was holding her hand and that made her insides want to jump for joy, but she calmly followed his lead to the bench. As she sat down, she looked out over the city lights. They were beautiful! She took a deep breath, thinking of Gods magnificent creations, and the beauty of the simplicity of city lights. She exhaled and turned to him, the thought lingering in her mind.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." She saw the pain in his eyes as he shared the words. She could see that he had loved his sister very much, and she could see the scar left on his heart. She felt bad for bringing it up, so she quickly apologized.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now." As he quickly retorted, she thought of her own son in heaven, it was so hard losing him before she even had the chance to know him. If there was one thing she did know, it was the hurt and pain of losing someone. The tears that came with it, were sometimes unbearable.
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." She didnt know why she was telling him this, other than to let him know he was not alone in grief. She rarely brought up her son, it seemed to make people uncomfortable, but he seemed to understand. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that other people who were grieving the loss of a loved one were not afraid or uncomfortable in talking about their loved ones, or her son.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" His words were so gentle, and comforting. She appreciated his compassion. No judgement, just true compassion in his voice. Since she was not a married gal, people were often quick to pass judegement. He was different.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."
They kept talking, moving from topic to topic. She learned about him, and she shared about herself. She enjoyed the time so much with him that she forgot about the time. He seemed to be intent on talking with her, and she was having such a great time, she didnt care that the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to hours.... She felt a small chill run down her spine, it felt colder out than it had before. She looked out over the city, and realized the sky was lighter than it had been in the distance. Was the sun really rising already!? Did they really just stay out and talk all night? She didnt want to leave, she wanted to stay and talk with him for days! She knew that their time was coming to an end..
He caught her shiver, though it looked like she tried to hide it. He noticed the air seemed cool and crisp. It felt much colder than it had before. He watched her look out at the view, he looked out, if only to follow her lead. Was it getting light out? The sky seemed to be brighter from afar. He checked his watch, and sure enough! They had been there all night long, talking. He couldnt believe he let the time get away from him. He was thrilled that they had spent so much time together, but he knew she must be ready for bed. How rude of himself to keep her out all night! He thought, maybe he should get her home. He looked at her again, taking in the beauty of her face and long blonde hair as if it would be the last time he would see her. He knew he needed to stop stalling, how irresponsible of him. What would she think of him now, keeping her out. He only hoped she had good enough time to want to see him again.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked in a sheepish, and almost embarrassed tone.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." She replied with a gentle smile on her face.
She hoped he wouldnt catch her shiver, so she adjusted in an attempt to disguise it. He looked out at the sky, she looked back at him. She caught him glancing at his watch, she knew that their time was ending. Looking at the watch was always a sure sign. She was tired, but she had such a wonderful time. He looked tired though, she looked into his deep brown eyes. For a moment she looked straight into his soul, at that moment, she knew beyond a shadown of a doubt that he was a good guy. He looked almost as if he were ashamed.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked. She wanted to say no! She didnt want their time to end. She wanted to ask him to put his arm around her and stay a little longer. She also wanted to be respectful of his time.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." Was her answer, in hopes that he would change his mind and watch the sunrise with her. Instead he stood and held out his hand, she smiled, placed her hand in his. He felt so stong, yet so gentle. She felt so secure when her hand was in his. She stood, and they walked back to the bike together. They put on their helmets, and climbed on the bike. He started the engine, and she wrapped her arms around him, afterall, she had to hold on so she wouldnt fall off, right? She tightened her grip just a little when he eased on the throttle, and they pulled away from this beautiful spot.
He really wished she would have asked to stay and watch the sunset, but he felt as though he had already kept her out late enough. With her answer, he pushed to his feet, and held his hand hoping she would take it. She slid her hand in his as she lifted herself to stand. He let her take the lead back to the bike, watching her blonde hair. He was enthralled with her beauty. He climbed on the bike, after they both secured their helmets. She clibmbed on after. As he started the engine he felt her arms slide around his waist, he liked that feeling. He gently pulled the throttle back and rode away from the lookout. The drive back to her apartment seemed to be too quick! He wanted her to stay just a little longer, holding tight to him. As he pulled into the same parking space as before, he wished the night were not over. The sun was now in the sky and casting shadows all around. The air was clean and fresh. He left the engine on for just a few seconds, hoping she would not release her grip. Then he clicked it off, they both stepped off the bike.
"Let me walk you to your door." He asked in a statemtent fasion.
"Thank you." She replied as she handed him the helmet that had protected her beautiful head. He followed her up the stairs. She unlocked the door then turned around to face him, his heart skipped.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She said with a grin on her soft lips.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He meant the words with all his heart, and hoped she wasnt just being polite by thanking him.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her.
As he pulled into the parking space, she thought to herself, 'where did the time go? The drive back didnt take long enough!' She hoped that he would change his mind, back out and take her somewhere else. Just as long as she could stay in his presence, she would be happy. She felt him click off the engine. She stepped off, and he followed.
"Let me walk you to your door." He requested. She was appreciative, most of the guys she had dated in the past would have dropped her at the curb and taken off. She was greatful for his consideration.
"Thank you." She replied as she placed the helmet in his hands. He followed her up the stairs, she felt him watching her as they walked, not in a bad way, in a protective way that made her feel safe. As she unlocked the door she prayed the night wouldnt end yet, but she knew it was. She turned to face him, the butterflies in her stomache returned as she peered into his deep brown eyes.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She hoped her sincerity would come across, as she gave a polite smile.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He replied, She hoped he was being sincere in his words hoping to see her again. She really wanted to press up against him, wrap her arms around him and beg him not to go, but she refrained. Hoping her disappointment wouldnt show.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her. She turned the lock and it clicked into place. She turned around, and closed her eyes. Soaking in the last few hours she had spent with this amazing man. She thought of the safety she felt with him as she rode along behind him, her life in his hands. Somehow, she realized that she trusted him fully with her life. There was just something about him that made her feel safe. Perhapse the gentle strength that he posessed. As she thought more about it, she realized that the late night ride, was similar to the life walk with Jesus. She realized that if she put total control of her life in Jesus' hands, and cling to him, He would take care of her. She thought about how if she had let go, even for a second, she would fall off the back, and the bike would probably crash, hurting them both. A lot like the life walk. We let go of Jesus for even a split second, and we can crash and burn... She thought it interesting the comparison between this late night ride, and her walk with Jesus. She opened her eyes, looked around, closed them again and whispered
"Thank you Jesus for always protecting me, and please Lord, let me see him again."
He stood there a moment after she closed the door. He heard the click of the deadbolt being locked into place. He turned and slowly walked back down the steps to his bike, he prayed she would run back out and ask him to stay. He approached his bike, stepped over, put his helmet on and sat for a moment in the silence. The whole world seemed to be asleep aside from him and her. Probably just him now, as she probably went straight to bed. He thought to himself how much he would love to see her again, and just how much he had enjoyed their late night ride. He started up the engine, backed out, and pulled back the throttle. He slowly drove out of the complex, and headed toward home. Hoping, praying, he would see her again soon and thanking Jesus for their late night ride.
She set down her book, walked quietly over to the door. She turned the deadbolt and it clicked into the unlocked position. She turned the knob and slowly, gently, and quitely opened the door. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his face. He was standing there, so cool and collected. His jet black hair, spiked on his head, his dark grey tee, with stylish jeans, leather jacket, and a helmet snug up under his arm.
"Hey." He said, in a quiet gentle tone with a sly smile on his face.
"Hey." She returned with a smirk on her face and in her voice.
They had known eachother for some time now, he worked in a different department, but he smiled at her everytime he was in her area, or she was in his, and every time, her heart skipped a beat. Her face felt hot as if to say 'I'm bright red! Look at me!' It always embarrassed her, she wished her face wouldnt be so obnoxiously rebellious in its color. She couldnt help it though, she knew that there was more between them than a casual 'hi', or 'how are you today' every so often. She was ready to find out about this mystery guy. What was he all about, anyway?
He was nervous. His stomache in a knot, 'what if she doesnt like me after tonight' he thought to himself. He always tried to find reasons to go into her department at work, just so he could say hi. She was so beautiful! He swallowed back the nervous lump in his throat, took off his helmet and put down the kick stand on his BMW sports bike he loved that bike. He had been riding since he was 6 years old, and had finally gotten his dream bike only months prior, but he already knew how to handle it. As he stood and swung his leg over the seat to stand, he felt almost weak in the knees. This girl did that to him, and he loved it. As he moved slowly up the stairs to her apartment, he replayed their conversation from earlier in his mind. Him asking if she would like to go out for a late night ride, her smile in agreement, he was thrilled. He approached her door, and gave it a knock. He waited, and then heard the click of the door unlock, as she opened it from the other side, he saw her standing there, with a smirk on her face. She was not just beautiful, she was gorgeous! Her long wavy blonde hair fell perfectly into place, her deep blue eyes, and amazing smile, and oh her freckles! They drove him crazy. She was perfect in her looks, and her personality, she was sweet. He greeted her
"Hey." He could feel a sly smile creeping on his face.
"Hey." She said with a smirk, on her beautiful face.
She invited him inside, as she thought to herself 'he is actually here! He really came...' She figured he would come in, they would chat, then go on this late night ride he had promised her...of course it was already 10 P.M. She really wasnt sure what direction she should go with the timeframe, but she didnt care. It was friday night, she could sleep in the morning. All that mattered at that moment is him being there with her, thats all she cared about. Nothing else mattered, not even if they actually went for that ride or not. What he did next suprised her some. He got this look in his eye, a twinkle, that said 'I have something wonderful planned.' Next he grabbed her hand and gently pulled her out the door, it closed behind her, then he led her down the stairs, to his bike. She smiled as he handed her a helmet and helped her put it on, then gently tighten the strap. She liked the way he was so gentle with her, it was almost like he thought he would break her, she liked it. He said to her the words she would remember for the rest of her life...
"Are you ready ride with me?" She nodded and climbed on behind him, she liked the feel of his back to her front as she wrapped her arms around him to hold tight. He felt strong, and she felt safe probably for the first time in her life. Before he backed out of the parking space, she looked up at the sky, stars were everywhere! Like someone had sprinkled glitter in the dark, night sky. It was a beautiful moment in time. In a moment they were off.
He stood there looking her over for a minute, when she invited him in for a moment. He hesitated in her beauty, then went for it. He gently snatched up her hand, being careful not to be too rough. He wanted her to like him afterall, what girl would like a guy who was rough? Probably not a single one. He led her quickly but gently down the stairs and looked back to see her door close behind her, and her long blonde hair flowing. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get over her beauty. He led her to his bike, and handed her the helmet he had bought earlier that day, just for her to use. This would be the first time he had taken a passenger on his bike, and this one, oh such precious cargo she is. He wanted to make sure she would be safe and protected, so he bought the best helmet he could find. He helped her put it on, as he did his hand brushed over her hair, it was so soft and smoothe. As he tightened the helmet strap for her, the back of his hand came to her jawline, her skin was so flawless. She seemed perfect in every way. Once he was sure her helmet was on correctly, and she would be safe he looked her in the eye and said
"Are you ready to ride with me?" He watched as she smiled, nodded and climbed on behind him. She wrapped her delicate arms around him, he liked the feel of her against him. He had to make sure he drove extra careful tonight, he didnt want to do anything wrong, anything stupid, with such a priceless girl with him. With a sigh of hope, he backed out of the parking space and they were off.
As they rode through the dark of night, she felt so special. She loved the way their bodies seemed to move as one. The way they leaned together. She knew if she just followed his lead she would be okay. She wasnt sure where they were going exactly, but she didnt care. He was in charge, and she was happy to be there with him.
He had the perfect spot picked out. He had been there a few times before, but only by himself to think or pray after the initial time, when his sister showed him the spot. Never had he taken anyone to his secret spot, he didnt think it would be right, but now, with her, it seemed ok. He wanted to take her there, he wanted the night to be special, one she would never forget. He didnt want to mess this up! Afterall, she had already said yes. He just wanted to show her the best time he could. Every turn, he was careful. He had to be careful! He wouldnt mind crashing if it were just himself, but with her on behind, he couldnt, wouldnt crash this bike! He felt her snuggle in a little closer, and wrap her arms a little tighter, he liked that. He liked feeling her take his lead in which way to lean. Feeling their bodies move as one, was a great feeling. As they arrived at his secret lookout destination, he pulled up carefully. Parked, gently put the kickstand down and clicked off the engine. He felt her release her grip on him, and step off the bike. He followed behind her. They both removed their helmets, he thought he would take a chance once again, he gently reached for her soft hand and led her to the edge of the lookout, they sat on the bench there. She looked out, but he had seen it before, his eyes were on her. He watched her take a deep breath, and exhale, as if she were in a deep moment of thought. She turned to him.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." He usually didnt want to talk about his sister, but he felt comfortable sharing with her. He wanted her to know everything, but he certainly didnt want to scare her away. So he stuck with small talk at first.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now."
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." He was suprised at her openess, but welcomed it. He wanted to know everything about her. He was sad for her son though. He couldnt imagine how hard that must be to lose a child.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" He replied as he looked into her eyes. Deep blue and beautiful, he could see the pain inside her though. It was clear she was deeply hurt by the loss of her unborn child.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."
As he listened to her talk he responded, they jumped from topic to topic, slowly discussing their lives. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. He didnt pay attention to the time. They were conversing intently with eachother, learning the details of eachothers lives.
She didnt want to let go when he slowed to a stop and clicked off the engine. She held on just a moment longer, hoping he wouldn't think she was weird for holding him close a second longer. She loosed her grip on him, and dismounted the bike. She loved riding with him. She watched him step off, and remove his helmet. She did the same. He then gently took hold of her hand, and butterflies hit her stomach! He was holding her hand and that made her insides want to jump for joy, but she calmly followed his lead to the bench. As she sat down, she looked out over the city lights. They were beautiful! She took a deep breath, thinking of Gods magnificent creations, and the beauty of the simplicity of city lights. She exhaled and turned to him, the thought lingering in her mind.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." She saw the pain in his eyes as he shared the words. She could see that he had loved his sister very much, and she could see the scar left on his heart. She felt bad for bringing it up, so she quickly apologized.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now." As he quickly retorted, she thought of her own son in heaven, it was so hard losing him before she even had the chance to know him. If there was one thing she did know, it was the hurt and pain of losing someone. The tears that came with it, were sometimes unbearable.
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." She didnt know why she was telling him this, other than to let him know he was not alone in grief. She rarely brought up her son, it seemed to make people uncomfortable, but he seemed to understand. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that other people who were grieving the loss of a loved one were not afraid or uncomfortable in talking about their loved ones, or her son.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" His words were so gentle, and comforting. She appreciated his compassion. No judgement, just true compassion in his voice. Since she was not a married gal, people were often quick to pass judegement. He was different.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."
They kept talking, moving from topic to topic. She learned about him, and she shared about herself. She enjoyed the time so much with him that she forgot about the time. He seemed to be intent on talking with her, and she was having such a great time, she didnt care that the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to hours.... She felt a small chill run down her spine, it felt colder out than it had before. She looked out over the city, and realized the sky was lighter than it had been in the distance. Was the sun really rising already!? Did they really just stay out and talk all night? She didnt want to leave, she wanted to stay and talk with him for days! She knew that their time was coming to an end..
He caught her shiver, though it looked like she tried to hide it. He noticed the air seemed cool and crisp. It felt much colder than it had before. He watched her look out at the view, he looked out, if only to follow her lead. Was it getting light out? The sky seemed to be brighter from afar. He checked his watch, and sure enough! They had been there all night long, talking. He couldnt believe he let the time get away from him. He was thrilled that they had spent so much time together, but he knew she must be ready for bed. How rude of himself to keep her out all night! He thought, maybe he should get her home. He looked at her again, taking in the beauty of her face and long blonde hair as if it would be the last time he would see her. He knew he needed to stop stalling, how irresponsible of him. What would she think of him now, keeping her out. He only hoped she had good enough time to want to see him again.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked in a sheepish, and almost embarrassed tone.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." She replied with a gentle smile on her face.
She hoped he wouldnt catch her shiver, so she adjusted in an attempt to disguise it. He looked out at the sky, she looked back at him. She caught him glancing at his watch, she knew that their time was ending. Looking at the watch was always a sure sign. She was tired, but she had such a wonderful time. He looked tired though, she looked into his deep brown eyes. For a moment she looked straight into his soul, at that moment, she knew beyond a shadown of a doubt that he was a good guy. He looked almost as if he were ashamed.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked. She wanted to say no! She didnt want their time to end. She wanted to ask him to put his arm around her and stay a little longer. She also wanted to be respectful of his time.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." Was her answer, in hopes that he would change his mind and watch the sunrise with her. Instead he stood and held out his hand, she smiled, placed her hand in his. He felt so stong, yet so gentle. She felt so secure when her hand was in his. She stood, and they walked back to the bike together. They put on their helmets, and climbed on the bike. He started the engine, and she wrapped her arms around him, afterall, she had to hold on so she wouldnt fall off, right? She tightened her grip just a little when he eased on the throttle, and they pulled away from this beautiful spot.
He really wished she would have asked to stay and watch the sunset, but he felt as though he had already kept her out late enough. With her answer, he pushed to his feet, and held his hand hoping she would take it. She slid her hand in his as she lifted herself to stand. He let her take the lead back to the bike, watching her blonde hair. He was enthralled with her beauty. He climbed on the bike, after they both secured their helmets. She clibmbed on after. As he started the engine he felt her arms slide around his waist, he liked that feeling. He gently pulled the throttle back and rode away from the lookout. The drive back to her apartment seemed to be too quick! He wanted her to stay just a little longer, holding tight to him. As he pulled into the same parking space as before, he wished the night were not over. The sun was now in the sky and casting shadows all around. The air was clean and fresh. He left the engine on for just a few seconds, hoping she would not release her grip. Then he clicked it off, they both stepped off the bike.
"Let me walk you to your door." He asked in a statemtent fasion.
"Thank you." She replied as she handed him the helmet that had protected her beautiful head. He followed her up the stairs. She unlocked the door then turned around to face him, his heart skipped.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She said with a grin on her soft lips.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He meant the words with all his heart, and hoped she wasnt just being polite by thanking him.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her.
As he pulled into the parking space, she thought to herself, 'where did the time go? The drive back didnt take long enough!' She hoped that he would change his mind, back out and take her somewhere else. Just as long as she could stay in his presence, she would be happy. She felt him click off the engine. She stepped off, and he followed.
"Let me walk you to your door." He requested. She was appreciative, most of the guys she had dated in the past would have dropped her at the curb and taken off. She was greatful for his consideration.
"Thank you." She replied as she placed the helmet in his hands. He followed her up the stairs, she felt him watching her as they walked, not in a bad way, in a protective way that made her feel safe. As she unlocked the door she prayed the night wouldnt end yet, but she knew it was. She turned to face him, the butterflies in her stomache returned as she peered into his deep brown eyes.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She hoped her sincerity would come across, as she gave a polite smile.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He replied, She hoped he was being sincere in his words hoping to see her again. She really wanted to press up against him, wrap her arms around him and beg him not to go, but she refrained. Hoping her disappointment wouldnt show.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her. She turned the lock and it clicked into place. She turned around, and closed her eyes. Soaking in the last few hours she had spent with this amazing man. She thought of the safety she felt with him as she rode along behind him, her life in his hands. Somehow, she realized that she trusted him fully with her life. There was just something about him that made her feel safe. Perhapse the gentle strength that he posessed. As she thought more about it, she realized that the late night ride, was similar to the life walk with Jesus. She realized that if she put total control of her life in Jesus' hands, and cling to him, He would take care of her. She thought about how if she had let go, even for a second, she would fall off the back, and the bike would probably crash, hurting them both. A lot like the life walk. We let go of Jesus for even a split second, and we can crash and burn... She thought it interesting the comparison between this late night ride, and her walk with Jesus. She opened her eyes, looked around, closed them again and whispered
"Thank you Jesus for always protecting me, and please Lord, let me see him again."
He stood there a moment after she closed the door. He heard the click of the deadbolt being locked into place. He turned and slowly walked back down the steps to his bike, he prayed she would run back out and ask him to stay. He approached his bike, stepped over, put his helmet on and sat for a moment in the silence. The whole world seemed to be asleep aside from him and her. Probably just him now, as she probably went straight to bed. He thought to himself how much he would love to see her again, and just how much he had enjoyed their late night ride. He started up the engine, backed out, and pulled back the throttle. He slowly drove out of the complex, and headed toward home. Hoping, praying, he would see her again soon and thanking Jesus for their late night ride.
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