A blessing and a storm

She sat in the chair. The music was loud, in her belly she could feel the kicks and flutters. She wasnt sure if the baby was unhappy, or enjoying the music. She did know his hearing had developed, so he could hear the music. She wondered what life would be like in a few short months. She was overwhelmed, tired. The pregnancy had been a journey so far. She was enjoying every moment of becoming a mother, but she also was scared to do this alone. She sat and reflected on the last 7 months. She thought of the people who supported her, the people who disowned her, and the lonliness she felt through it all. She thought of the blessing she carried in her belly, and how excited she was that she would finally pass into motherhood. She also thought of the reality that she would be raising this baby alone, how scary a thought. She began to weep as she thought of the overwhelming responisibility that faced her in just a few months. She was scared. She was tired of doing life alone. She wanted so badly to share this experience with someone who would be there for her, to support her, to love and cherish her. She thought about how life hadnt turned out the way she had hoped. From the time she was a little girl she had dreamed that she would one day get married, then have children. She never expected that she would be doing it backwards, she never thought she would be a single mom. She was tired of walking this life alone, but she also knew that she would not settle for a man again. She would never rush into a marriage again. She had grown a backbone, and was not willing to settle. Not willing to be with someone, just to be with someone. She needed to know him thoroughly before she could enter into a marriage again. Now things just seemed so much more complicated. She felt like now that she was going to have a baby, no man would want her. Not the good ones anyway. What was wrong with her? She owned her home, was successful in her career, was tall, blonde, and from what people always said, beautiful. So why was she still single? Why did life not turn out the way she had dreamed of? Why couldn't they see that she was independent, yet weak to the point of needing a life partner? She felt like she didnt really matter, like people cared but not enough to make it a point to be a part of her life. She knew she was being selfish, but so what. She wanted the whole dream life. She was tired of doing it alone, and she was tired of spending nights alone. She had to learn how to be a person again after her failed marriage. It took a long time, a lot of healing, and she still felt so broken.
She leaned forward in her chair, her nose was dripping and tears were streaming steadily down her face. She didnt want anyone to see her crying. She didnt want anyone to come ask her what was wrong, and she was so thankful for the dim lighting in the church building. She was so thankful that the band was playing loud enough to cover the soft sobbing coming from her heart. She wiped the tears away from her eyes and thought of the people she loved in her life. She thought of how supportive some people were, and how others had banished her from their lives. She felt like they blamed her, judged her. She wished they understood that she didnt get pregnant on purpose, she didnt get pregnant to hurt them, but that this was such a blessing. This was Gods timing for her. Maybe it wasnt the best timing, and maybe it was done in sin, but God still blessed her with a baby. Which was something she had needed for a long time. She tried to be sensetive to people who could not have a baby, the people who wanted children, were trying, and were not being successful. She knew how much it hurt, because she, too had felt that pain before. She knew not only the deep desire to have children, but also the pain of miscarriage. She knew what it was like to hate other people for sharing their happy news. She had been jealous of people who had babies, for a long time her heart ached to have a baby. To be a mother, for a long time, its all she wanted. She thought of the one she lost. She thought of how difficult it had been. She thought of the kind of child he would have been. As tears ran down her face, she thought of how she was so blessed that this baby was alive and kicking inside her, how she was so excited, but also could not fully enjoy the time because she knew that her having a baby was hurting other people. She thought about how there was nothing she could do about it, and her heart went out to those people. She wished her friends would not have become so upset with her. She wished they had not said some of the hurtful things they did, but she also knew that they only said hurtful things to her because they were hurt by the fact that she was having a baby and they were not. She knew that there was a reason people stopped talking to her....at least some of them. She understood their frustration with her, their anger at God, and the unending questions of 'why not me?' She truly felt bad that she was enjoying her blessing, when she knew other poeple were still in anguish about their circumstances.
She adjusted in the hard plastic chair, sitting had become slightly uncomfortable for her at this stage in her pregnancy. Then again, standing, laying, and any other position had become uncomfortable as well. The tears didnt stop coming, she wondered what people thought of her. She wondered if people thought she was just a cry baby because thats all she seemed to do here. This place, though she didnt connect with many of the people, she could feel Gods presence, and she knew that He was there with her. She continued to cry as she drifted back into the deep thoughts of her pregnancy, people, and the circumstances in general. She thought of how she had felt just prior to becoming pregnant. She thought of how the year before she had been celebate. She had done everything right, in her eyes, she was on the right track. She was involved in church, she was celebate, clean and sober, she had a good job, led a bible study, read her bible, she was on the right track. She couldnt understand why in the midst of this, she was so attacked by lonliness. She was so attacked in her disease. She remembered feeling like God didnt care anymore. She remembered feeling that He was there, blessing everyone around her, but she was still stuck in the same place. As hindsight is 20/20, she had since realized she was working for his approval. Just like she had been taught to do, to be a good girl and not make waves. She rememberd feeling like she was doing everything right, and God was just throwing blessings to other people but He kept passing her up. She felt like God had forgotten about her, or just wasnt paying attention. She remembered feeling like she was barely hanging on by a thread. How she felt like she was in a boxing ring, and the devil was throwing punch after punch. She was on the ground, bleeding and bruised. She had felt this way for a while before she slipped up and started sleeping with her boyfriend. She felt like had been slipping, because if she was doing everything right and still not being blessed, then what was it all for? Once she became pregnant, she felt as though God had stepped into the ring with her, put his foot down, and said 'enough.' She felt like becoming pregnant was Gods way of saying, 'I havent forgotten about you, I still love you even in the midst of your sin.' From that experience, she knew that God loved her. As she sat in the hard plastic chair, she still felt as though she was in a phase of her life which required intense repair of her soul, but she hadnt the strength to seek it out. She hadnt the fight left in her to get up and keep going, for the last 7 months, God was carrying her along because she didnt have the strength to walk on her own. She was weary, and she knew God was teaching her that she didnt have to do everything right in order to be blessed by him. He wanted all of her, not just the 'perfect' parts of her. He wanted to be right in the middle of her messy life. He knew that she could not fully trust him unless she was falling apart at the seams. So, he gave her a baby. She gently rubbed her belly as she thought of this. She thought to herself how special it was for her that she was finally having a baby. How eventhough she had to do this alone, she was ready. She did not want to be a single mother, but she was clearly not being sought after. Therefore, she was incredibly frustrated with her situation, but somehow she knew it was all ok in the end.
She sat back in her chair as the song changed over. She recognized it right away. The words were ever piercing her heart. This was Gods love song to her, the tears that had dried up began to flow again as the words pierced her thoughts. The band began to sing "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy....When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...and, oh how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so..." This was their song, her and God. She sat there and soaked in the words, she couldnt sing because she was sobbing. She felt as though people thought she was stuck up, or had not a strong walk with God, but she didnt care. She was fine with them thinking what they would. She just knew that she was spending a sweet moment with her creator. He was healing her heart one day at a time, one moment at a time. She continued to soak in the sweet melodies of the song, as she held her belly, thinking of how blessed she was to be given such a precious gift. Thinking of all the people who supported her, who were hurt by her blessing, and how much God must have loved her to give her such a big responsibility. She just wished she had someone to share it with, but she was ready for the challenge either way.