Ha...I'm a mom now :) I knew I would love motherhood, and its pretty much what I expected except way better! I am loving every moment of time with this little man God has blessed me with. I sit and stare at him sometimes, thinking about how one single cell turned into a living, breathing human baby boy. With 10 perfect fingers, and 10 perfect toes. I must say, I LOVE his toes!!! They are so cute :) He is the light of my life, and I love every minute of time while he is little. I love every snuggle, and cuddle, and when he pee's on me or poops on me, I just laugh. Because, he sits there with this innocent little look on his face like as if to say "What? Did I do that?" lol... I think God had to make mom's be so in love with their children from day 1...otherwise. no one would ever reproduce, or we would then not take care of them... Motherhood is an incredible experience. Eventhough I am doing it as a single parent, which makes it harder...I am so in love and already I don't know how I ever lived without this little man. I love that he is so cuddly and snuggly. God gave me the perfect baby boy :) anyway, enough bragging on him...for a minute ;)
2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.
God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3
Amen
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