Cool and collected,
Thats the vibe he puts off.
His insides protected.
From all the people who scoff.
When I look a little closer,
I see the fears
I see in his soul,
its collected from all the years.
From the outside,
funny and charming he is
But when I look a little closer,
to the surface rise the insecurites.
He tries to hide,
beneath his pride
but broken he is
just wanting to live.
He knows theres more
to life than this
his mind and spirit soar
to find out what it is
Living this life,
one day at a time
running from strife
looking for signs
to point him in the right direction
and show him that theres nothing left
always in the wrong section
being a victim to theft.
Cool and collected,
but when I look a little closer,
I see the fear
built from all the years.
The tears he should have cried
but inside
he lied.
Subject to rejection,
he gets back up
to once again
try his luck.
When I look a little closer
I can see him searching
for something thats real
he needs to heal..
Inside he knows the truth,
deep down...like in a booth
the one in the white gown,
waits for him in his youth.
Someday, he'll figure it out
then he'll scream and shout
from the rooftops, he will
with joy, God's paid his bill.
Such a beautiful gift,
for one, or all
it wouldnt have mattered
after the fall.
"Accept it,
he loves you
He'll save you from the pit
and make you new."
Thats what they say
to the man with no name
we'll call him Ray,
its all the same.
Yes, cool and collected he is
but when I look a little closer,
the gift is his.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Unfiltered freewrite~
The sunshine was out today, what a treat :) especially after the whole 20 or 30 some odd days we had of rain...ba humbag! Not anymore :) it was beautiful today, such a blessing!! I thoroughly enjoyed it... As a result, today was a pretty good pain day, I wasnt hurting as bad as normal and that is why I so desperately want to move to the desert someday..lol. Not anytime soon, but someday. The start of spring when the sun starts coming out always brings a few flashbacks with it. Today I had a flashback of when I was raped, it wasn't a fun one. On a good note, it didnt throw me into a panic attack so thats a plus. I guess you could say I'm being optimistic... or my writing on a chalk board would curve up toward the ceiling as my math teacher would say... lol. Anyway, mr fatty cat is super cute sleeping on the couch next to me, and oh my its 12:28 am.. goodness, I better get to bed soon, otherwise Im not going to want to get up in the morning. The heater just kicked on, and its noisy. And windy. My fingers are cold, as are my feet. brrr.... lol. Root beer is delicious, and I think I ate too many potato chips tonight. Bible study was awesome, and we had some great conversations, met with my leaders tonight to check in with them and see where theyre at, and oh man.. I have so much to get done, its not even funny. My list is about 14 pages long, but not on paper, no way! lol..its all in my head, and thats a scary, scattered mess! No wonder I forget to do so many things, I really should get better organized. Gata is playing with my windchime that Mike gave me for my birthday, lol.. she's such a brat sometimes. He told me to hang it outside, but the weather here is crazy.. so I hung it inside, but now I kind of feel like cheesy trailer trash, lol...who hangs wind chimes inside?! This one does, aparently. lol. I did a mask tonight, a little self pampering, but my back is killing me... Is it really pampering if you finish with more pain than you started? lol..well at least my nails are done, I got a mask done and whitened my teeth :) oh, and I cleaned my ring, it needed it badly. and now it sparkles :) Im starting to get sleepy... This has been a totally random freewrite! Hope you enjoyed the messed up, scattered, jumping around my mind.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Forgiveness, amends, letting go, moving on.
Well that sucks...lol, I just wrote a whole blog entry. Then tried to post it and it deleted it instead. This second go-around might not be as good, but everything happens for a reason right? Lets hope so...
So, the topic? Forgiveness, amends, letting go, and moving on.
Forgiveness...How do you forgive someone who took something from you that you can never get back? How do you tell them it's ok? How do you tell them that you excuse their actions when they have done something, said something, or took something? In one definition I found online, it says that forgiveness is to renounce anger or resentment. Hmm... That sounds like it has more to do with me than the other person... How do you renounce anger or resentment? I am angry at the kid who rear ended us and changed my life forever. I resent the people who bruitally raped me and took something I can never get back. I am angry that my son didnt get to live, and I resent the women who dont want their children and get to have them anyway. Like the lady who would come into work almost every day and get a 4 shot mocha, then sit outside and chain smoke. I resent her, because she got to have a baby. Not fair. But lets look at the other side of these situations.... Maybe, the kid who rear ended us had just gotten some bad news, maybe he only took his eyes off the road for a second. God knows I have done that many times, and almost crashed, but didnt... God knew I would bounce back from a bruital rape, now I am NOT saying God intended me to be raped, or that He allowed it. But he did know that I could "handle" it. He knew that I would use it for good later on, he knew I would help other women get through that same thing... God knew I wasnt ready for a baby. I cant imagine what my life would be like if I had a two year old running around... And, lets think about the caffine drinking, chain smoking lady... Maybe her baby was stillborn, and she was given the ok to smoke and drink because the baby was already dead? Sad thought, but I shouldnt judge her... God has forgiven me of so much! So many worse things than these.... I think I can learn to let go of my anger and resentment... Afterall, it doesnt effect the other people... it effects me. It effects my moods, and my healing process. I guess theres a lot to it, but thats just a bit. I dont have the right to judge people, and I certainly dont know what theyre going through. Why be angry with someone? It says in the bible, dont let the sun go down on your anger... But how many times have I gone to bed hating the kid who hit us? How many hundreds of days have I resented, and been angry? Kinda makes me think...gut check.
Amends... Ah yess, those fun things... lol. Well, I will say they're not as hard as they used to be.. Well some of them anyway. I gave an amend just yesterday. It was a big one, and it was time consuming and sucked the energy right out of me. I needed to do it though. In Matthew 5 it talks about if you are standing at the alter and realize someone has something against you, leave the alter and go and be reconciled to that person, then return to offer your sacrifice. How true does that statement ring? Very, for me... Wow, how many times have I been at the alter offering my heart as a "sacrifice" to God, and still known that there were people out there who had something against me? Probably more than I can count. Not to say that they will always accept my amend, because often times people dont. People dont always react the way we want them to.. Its hard enough to go to someone admit that I made a mistake and apologize for it. How embarrassing, how humbling! Knowing that I screwed up..lol, you mean I'm not perfect?!?! Jk, jk...lol. Its hard to admit I was wrong, but I do it for me, not for them. I do it so I can sleep at night. How much better would the world be if everyone apologized when they realized they had made a mistake?! What a mind boggling thought. Of course that is just never gonna happen, but a girl can dream can't she? lol... One person at a time.. Making amends is important to my sobriety and mental health in general. If I dont make amends for something stupid I did, then I sit annoyed with myself, trying to ignore my idiocy...the only problem is that no matter where I go, there I am... huh. Interesting thought...lol. Wherever I go, there I am... The only way for me to get rid of that idiodic move I made is to present it to the person it was agains and ask forgiveness...hmm, interesting concept.. Like I said earlier, people dont always accept the apology, but I dont do it for them... I do it for me.
Letting go...hmmm, lol. Letting go means truly trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will... Well, thats a big bite to chew on. You mean I actually have to TRUST God? Wholeheartedly?! I mean I trust God with most things... I trust him with keeping me safe, and providing for my needs (most of the time)... But things like my future, my relationships.. Those are too big of things for me to let go of. Theyre too much for me to let God handle alone.... did I just say that?! lol... Like God can't handle it? Like he's not bigger than the universe. Like he's not so big that we as humans cant even comprehend? Lol...God cant handle it, thats funny. But if I let go that means I cant control it anymore... Yeah. That means that as soon as I let go, God can pick it up... He can work miracles, He can do anything... He is God afterall..lol. Letting go of the hurt that person caused me. Letting go of the anger in my heart. Letting go of the resentments I hold on to... Hmm, those are heavy bags.. Maybe if I let go and let God carry them for a while I will be more rested, more free to run, have more energy and not have to worry about all that stuff... I just got a really cool picture... ok, So me and God are walking up a mountain. I am carrying like 12 bags, big ones! I have 2 in each hand, one on each shoulder, I have fashioned a belt with rope to hold bags around my waist, I am even balancing one on my head! Not to mention the rope I have around my neck that leads back to a sled I am pulling... and on the sled guess what! There are more bags, piled high, barely balancing... All the while, God is walking next to me free hands, and saying "Mindy. Can I take some of that? Can I carry some of it for a while? You look tired, here, let me help. Thats a lot of stuff you're holding on to..." My response is "No, its ok..I got it. I don't want to burden you with all my crap. All these bags are mine, and I can carry them." After going on like this for a while, I become so tired that I finally say to God "Ok, you can have some of it." I hand it over and He doesnt even struggle with it. He is so strong that ALL of the bags I was struggling with, he carries with ease.. And I am so much lighter. I can run and jump and skip up the mountain. All the while God is there with me, bearing the load with ease. Not only is he carrying everything, the freedom for me is incredible, and He is also looking ahead. Saying "Watch out for that rock." and "Don't get to close to the edge." What a cool picture of letting go huh? He is there with us and He can handle it :) So why not let go? Why not give it all to God and let Him carry it? Afterall, He is God...
Moving on... heh, pun :-D lol... Ok, so what do I do now that I have forgiven, made the amend, and let go? Move on! Dwelling on the past is no bueno! Where is it going to get me? I was recently told that God would be closing a chapter in my life. That it would be time to start a new chapter and that would bring new blessings, new provision. I didnt really know what that meant until yesterday. But I get it now. I have the clarification. Move on with life, whats done is done. Its in the past. Its time to move forward, into the "inheritance" God has. Its time to let go of the past, and walk through the door of mercy, grace and forgiveness, and into Gods loving arms. He has promised to prosper us as His children. He never said times would be easy, so often I get mad and ask God why things happen. Why did you do this God? Why did you let this happen? But He never once promised us that life would be easy, in fact He said it would be hard. He said that they persecuted him, therefore they would persecute us. How true do these things ring today? So very true! But, in the end, He DOES make all things work together for my good, and your good. We are his children, His beloved. He wants nothing more than to be in perfect fellowship with us. He wants us to forgive our fellow, amend the ones we have wronged, let go of our baggage, and move on into His plan and will for our lives... I don't know about you, but I am sure going to give it one hell of a shot. Lol... Yeah, I said it.
Well, this one is definitely longer than the first one I wrote... I guess things do happen for a reason... Well, perhapse some of this blog was cliche, but whatever... it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Its now 12:08 am, and I am going to bed! Bon nuit :)
So, the topic? Forgiveness, amends, letting go, and moving on.
Forgiveness...How do you forgive someone who took something from you that you can never get back? How do you tell them it's ok? How do you tell them that you excuse their actions when they have done something, said something, or took something? In one definition I found online, it says that forgiveness is to renounce anger or resentment. Hmm... That sounds like it has more to do with me than the other person... How do you renounce anger or resentment? I am angry at the kid who rear ended us and changed my life forever. I resent the people who bruitally raped me and took something I can never get back. I am angry that my son didnt get to live, and I resent the women who dont want their children and get to have them anyway. Like the lady who would come into work almost every day and get a 4 shot mocha, then sit outside and chain smoke. I resent her, because she got to have a baby. Not fair. But lets look at the other side of these situations.... Maybe, the kid who rear ended us had just gotten some bad news, maybe he only took his eyes off the road for a second. God knows I have done that many times, and almost crashed, but didnt... God knew I would bounce back from a bruital rape, now I am NOT saying God intended me to be raped, or that He allowed it. But he did know that I could "handle" it. He knew that I would use it for good later on, he knew I would help other women get through that same thing... God knew I wasnt ready for a baby. I cant imagine what my life would be like if I had a two year old running around... And, lets think about the caffine drinking, chain smoking lady... Maybe her baby was stillborn, and she was given the ok to smoke and drink because the baby was already dead? Sad thought, but I shouldnt judge her... God has forgiven me of so much! So many worse things than these.... I think I can learn to let go of my anger and resentment... Afterall, it doesnt effect the other people... it effects me. It effects my moods, and my healing process. I guess theres a lot to it, but thats just a bit. I dont have the right to judge people, and I certainly dont know what theyre going through. Why be angry with someone? It says in the bible, dont let the sun go down on your anger... But how many times have I gone to bed hating the kid who hit us? How many hundreds of days have I resented, and been angry? Kinda makes me think...gut check.
Amends... Ah yess, those fun things... lol. Well, I will say they're not as hard as they used to be.. Well some of them anyway. I gave an amend just yesterday. It was a big one, and it was time consuming and sucked the energy right out of me. I needed to do it though. In Matthew 5 it talks about if you are standing at the alter and realize someone has something against you, leave the alter and go and be reconciled to that person, then return to offer your sacrifice. How true does that statement ring? Very, for me... Wow, how many times have I been at the alter offering my heart as a "sacrifice" to God, and still known that there were people out there who had something against me? Probably more than I can count. Not to say that they will always accept my amend, because often times people dont. People dont always react the way we want them to.. Its hard enough to go to someone admit that I made a mistake and apologize for it. How embarrassing, how humbling! Knowing that I screwed up..lol, you mean I'm not perfect?!?! Jk, jk...lol. Its hard to admit I was wrong, but I do it for me, not for them. I do it so I can sleep at night. How much better would the world be if everyone apologized when they realized they had made a mistake?! What a mind boggling thought. Of course that is just never gonna happen, but a girl can dream can't she? lol... One person at a time.. Making amends is important to my sobriety and mental health in general. If I dont make amends for something stupid I did, then I sit annoyed with myself, trying to ignore my idiocy...the only problem is that no matter where I go, there I am... huh. Interesting thought...lol. Wherever I go, there I am... The only way for me to get rid of that idiodic move I made is to present it to the person it was agains and ask forgiveness...hmm, interesting concept.. Like I said earlier, people dont always accept the apology, but I dont do it for them... I do it for me.
Letting go...hmmm, lol. Letting go means truly trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will... Well, thats a big bite to chew on. You mean I actually have to TRUST God? Wholeheartedly?! I mean I trust God with most things... I trust him with keeping me safe, and providing for my needs (most of the time)... But things like my future, my relationships.. Those are too big of things for me to let go of. Theyre too much for me to let God handle alone.... did I just say that?! lol... Like God can't handle it? Like he's not bigger than the universe. Like he's not so big that we as humans cant even comprehend? Lol...God cant handle it, thats funny. But if I let go that means I cant control it anymore... Yeah. That means that as soon as I let go, God can pick it up... He can work miracles, He can do anything... He is God afterall..lol. Letting go of the hurt that person caused me. Letting go of the anger in my heart. Letting go of the resentments I hold on to... Hmm, those are heavy bags.. Maybe if I let go and let God carry them for a while I will be more rested, more free to run, have more energy and not have to worry about all that stuff... I just got a really cool picture... ok, So me and God are walking up a mountain. I am carrying like 12 bags, big ones! I have 2 in each hand, one on each shoulder, I have fashioned a belt with rope to hold bags around my waist, I am even balancing one on my head! Not to mention the rope I have around my neck that leads back to a sled I am pulling... and on the sled guess what! There are more bags, piled high, barely balancing... All the while, God is walking next to me free hands, and saying "Mindy. Can I take some of that? Can I carry some of it for a while? You look tired, here, let me help. Thats a lot of stuff you're holding on to..." My response is "No, its ok..I got it. I don't want to burden you with all my crap. All these bags are mine, and I can carry them." After going on like this for a while, I become so tired that I finally say to God "Ok, you can have some of it." I hand it over and He doesnt even struggle with it. He is so strong that ALL of the bags I was struggling with, he carries with ease.. And I am so much lighter. I can run and jump and skip up the mountain. All the while God is there with me, bearing the load with ease. Not only is he carrying everything, the freedom for me is incredible, and He is also looking ahead. Saying "Watch out for that rock." and "Don't get to close to the edge." What a cool picture of letting go huh? He is there with us and He can handle it :) So why not let go? Why not give it all to God and let Him carry it? Afterall, He is God...
Moving on... heh, pun :-D lol... Ok, so what do I do now that I have forgiven, made the amend, and let go? Move on! Dwelling on the past is no bueno! Where is it going to get me? I was recently told that God would be closing a chapter in my life. That it would be time to start a new chapter and that would bring new blessings, new provision. I didnt really know what that meant until yesterday. But I get it now. I have the clarification. Move on with life, whats done is done. Its in the past. Its time to move forward, into the "inheritance" God has. Its time to let go of the past, and walk through the door of mercy, grace and forgiveness, and into Gods loving arms. He has promised to prosper us as His children. He never said times would be easy, so often I get mad and ask God why things happen. Why did you do this God? Why did you let this happen? But He never once promised us that life would be easy, in fact He said it would be hard. He said that they persecuted him, therefore they would persecute us. How true do these things ring today? So very true! But, in the end, He DOES make all things work together for my good, and your good. We are his children, His beloved. He wants nothing more than to be in perfect fellowship with us. He wants us to forgive our fellow, amend the ones we have wronged, let go of our baggage, and move on into His plan and will for our lives... I don't know about you, but I am sure going to give it one hell of a shot. Lol... Yeah, I said it.
Well, this one is definitely longer than the first one I wrote... I guess things do happen for a reason... Well, perhapse some of this blog was cliche, but whatever... it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Its now 12:08 am, and I am going to bed! Bon nuit :)
Friday, April 8, 2011
Just some stuff...
Well, today is a Friday just like any other. It somehow feels different to me. Slower. Maybe partially because the sunshine is FINALLY showing its face! I seriously cant wait for summer to arrive, I am ready for hot temperatures and shorts and FLOPS!!! Maybe a pedi would be a good idea first lol. Anyway, its been a while since I have written, only since the 27th, but it feels like its been a long time. My cat is sitting on the floor right now, basking in the sunshine, and being his typical "guy" self :). Lets see...The Life on the vine retreat that Coryann and I went to was amazing. Of course when you go to something amazing like that where God really moves, the enemy gets scared and attacks. Thankfully, we have the best combat weapon known to the spiritual realm....prayer, and Jesus' name :) cause God is bigger than any of those idiots trying to trip us up. I didnt go to bible study on Tuesday, nor was I at the Forge last night. I kind of felt like I skipped out, but for good reason. Tuesday, I met with a friend for tea, and we had a much needed deep discussion. Thursday, er...last night, I needed to be there for a friend in need. And, in turn God blessed us with a wonderful evening. As the tears turned to laughter, and the sorrows turned to joy. Last night was fun, food for the soul...and a LOT of food for the belly too, lol. Well, aside from all of that, math class is going ok. We are starting to get into some things I am not fully understanding, which is scary because I have never been very good at math. I am trying my hardest, and have managed to form a study group. That should help. Lets see...what else? Work is good, God is providing for me as He promised he would. And, right now the future is up in the air, as it should be :) God has been doing some amazing things in my heart, and some major changes, may be to come in my life. I am ready for whatever the outcome. I just know that whatever happens will probably not be very easy, but I am determined to remain in Gods will. I know that the things to come may be a shock to some, not hurtful, just somewhat shocking...and, I am certain, most wont understand....but I have to do what I feel God is calling me to. Now, this is of course IF it plays out the way I have imagined (which usually never happens) so why am I even worried about it? Good question. To that, I dont have an answer... I guess I will just wait and see what God does. And, nothing may change.. I may continue to live my life one day at a time, with God by my side (He will be by my side either way, lol) anyway, thats enough cryptic-ness in one blog, lol. On to the next subject, the bible :) I have been reading the book of Hosea (as per request from a dear friend), and I am enjoying it thoroughly. If you have never read it, it is a beautiful picture of Gods wrath, but then His forgiveness, mercy and grace.. I think it shows beautifully how much God cares about us and wants to be with us as his children. Not to jump around, but I am also reading a book written by Karen Kingsbury titled: A thousand tomorrows. What a great book so far!! I can hardly put it down, thanks gramma ;) well, I know this isnt my typically beautiful blog... but it is a blog nonetheless :) more of a practical "this is whats happening in my life right now" kind of blog..lol, well, I hope you all have a great day!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Face to face with Jesus...The face of love.
I was so blessed to have Troy and Martina come worship in my home with a few of us gathered last night. Worship was wonderful, but the prayer that followed was truly God coming down into my little home. This is my lame attempt to describe the awesomeness of Gods power and revealing himself to me. Through a dear friend...
As I stared into his right eye, my vision started to blur. Surely my eyes were dry from not blinking. I blinked, but they continued to blur, his face dissapeared into the blurry, fuzzy background. A dim fuzzy outline where his face so clearly was a few moments before. I blinked again, insisting my eyes clear up the blurry focus. My eyes werent dry, in fact I began blinking less because they were moist, and his right eye was perfectly in focus. Something inside of me said 'let it blur' so I did. I let go of the control and let his face continue to dissapear. The only thing in focus was his right eye. I continued to stare into the depths of his eye, more intently focused, waiting for something, anything to appear. An image seemed to be trying to press to the surface. First, beneath his right eye appeared a scar, from the bottom of his eye trailing down his cheek and back toward the bottom of his right ear. It was frightening, and I looked away. But I couldnt, I had to look again, I had to continue the gaze into his eyes, there was more, and I knew it. It was beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life. As I resumed my gaze, his face blurred, quickly this time. And the tender, loving eye came back into focus. First the scar on his right cheek trailing from his eye to his ear. Then the rest of his face appeared. It seemed to jump out from beyond the blurry background, both eyes clear as could be, and a face so ripped and torn with scars. Beyond recognition. A face I had never seen before in such a real way. It looked as if the entire left side of his face had been burned, and scarred. But inside, I knew they were the scars from the beatings he endured. It says in the bible that he was beaten beyond recognition... He said to me, with kindness in his eyes. "This is the face of love." I couldn't continue to look, it was too painful. I had to look away, and began to cry... When I opened my eyes again, my vision was no longer blurred. And the face of the man who had sat before me, was still there. It was like I was shot back into reality. It felt like it had all happened in an instant. In that time, Troy's face was blurred, Jesus and I were face to face. I encountered him, more real than ever before. Almost as if I could have reached out and touched him. It was incredible, and really not describable. His eyes, were full of love and compassion, full of mercy and grace. He revealed himself to me in that moment. I saw the face of Jesus. The face of love. The face of compassion. The face of mercy. The face of concern. The face of conviction. The face of encouragement. The face of pain. The face of love. Love for me, and for the people He died for.
I'm afraid these words are empty compared to the encounter I had face to face with Jesus. It feels hollow compared to the image that lingers in my mind. However, its the best I could do with our weak language to give even a 1/4 of an idea of the image I saw....It was so much more. I looked into the eyes of Jesus. It was a beautiful experience, and I am blessed that He chose that moment to show me his face. So real, and beyond comparison or description. We truly serve a wonderful and magnificent God. One who longs to be with us, one who desires us more than any human could. He truly walks with us here on earth, and I think, last night was the beginning of an amazing journey He has called me to, as my faith has been increased. God is so good!
As I stared into his right eye, my vision started to blur. Surely my eyes were dry from not blinking. I blinked, but they continued to blur, his face dissapeared into the blurry, fuzzy background. A dim fuzzy outline where his face so clearly was a few moments before. I blinked again, insisting my eyes clear up the blurry focus. My eyes werent dry, in fact I began blinking less because they were moist, and his right eye was perfectly in focus. Something inside of me said 'let it blur' so I did. I let go of the control and let his face continue to dissapear. The only thing in focus was his right eye. I continued to stare into the depths of his eye, more intently focused, waiting for something, anything to appear. An image seemed to be trying to press to the surface. First, beneath his right eye appeared a scar, from the bottom of his eye trailing down his cheek and back toward the bottom of his right ear. It was frightening, and I looked away. But I couldnt, I had to look again, I had to continue the gaze into his eyes, there was more, and I knew it. It was beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life. As I resumed my gaze, his face blurred, quickly this time. And the tender, loving eye came back into focus. First the scar on his right cheek trailing from his eye to his ear. Then the rest of his face appeared. It seemed to jump out from beyond the blurry background, both eyes clear as could be, and a face so ripped and torn with scars. Beyond recognition. A face I had never seen before in such a real way. It looked as if the entire left side of his face had been burned, and scarred. But inside, I knew they were the scars from the beatings he endured. It says in the bible that he was beaten beyond recognition... He said to me, with kindness in his eyes. "This is the face of love." I couldn't continue to look, it was too painful. I had to look away, and began to cry... When I opened my eyes again, my vision was no longer blurred. And the face of the man who had sat before me, was still there. It was like I was shot back into reality. It felt like it had all happened in an instant. In that time, Troy's face was blurred, Jesus and I were face to face. I encountered him, more real than ever before. Almost as if I could have reached out and touched him. It was incredible, and really not describable. His eyes, were full of love and compassion, full of mercy and grace. He revealed himself to me in that moment. I saw the face of Jesus. The face of love. The face of compassion. The face of mercy. The face of concern. The face of conviction. The face of encouragement. The face of pain. The face of love. Love for me, and for the people He died for.
I'm afraid these words are empty compared to the encounter I had face to face with Jesus. It feels hollow compared to the image that lingers in my mind. However, its the best I could do with our weak language to give even a 1/4 of an idea of the image I saw....It was so much more. I looked into the eyes of Jesus. It was a beautiful experience, and I am blessed that He chose that moment to show me his face. So real, and beyond comparison or description. We truly serve a wonderful and magnificent God. One who longs to be with us, one who desires us more than any human could. He truly walks with us here on earth, and I think, last night was the beginning of an amazing journey He has called me to, as my faith has been increased. God is so good!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Twenty six years and counting
It's 12:31 A.M. on Friday morning, March 25th. My birthday was technically yesterday as its past midnight, but because I just haven't gone to bed yet, I'll call it today... :) It has been a bizzare day, Probably the wierdest birthday I have ever had. As I sit here I am overwhelmed with the love and kindness of friends. The warm birthday wishes have been plentiful. My phone has been blowin up all day with text messages, emails, and facebook notifications of "happy birthday!" in many forms of the words :) It's funny to me, in an ironic sense of the word how at one time in my life I counted my self worth on how many people wished me a happy birthday, how many cards I received, or how many people came to my party. I don't feel that way anymore, today is just another day in life. Just another day to do the things that need to be done. I just don't really care about my birthday this year, as I have in the prior few years as well. I am ok with not having a party, I am ok with no big celebration, or recognition. Its just another day, and I have managed to make it through without a big ordeal of any kind, which is just the way I wanted it...no one sang happy birthday, no cake, nothing... It was perfect!
So...This morning, I woke up and layed in bed for a while :) call it a lazy thursday morning... It was good. Finally after a few hours of that, I got up and as I was getting ready for my day, I managed to bruise my elbow and make my nose bleed, all before 10 a.m....I was laughing about it, I went to my new place of employment filled out paper work, took the drug test, and gave my 2 forms of ID. That took about an hour, was kind of boring but it needed to be done. I came home and watched an episode of Star Trek, then headed out with Fred to meet mom for a late lunch. We went to Olive garden, it was delicious! And, I was sure to thank mom for the tummy ache lol... Came back home full to the brim, and sat down for another episode of Star Trek :) before I knew it I was waking up...my hand was red and numb from falling asleep on it, my show was over and it was time to leave for the Forge. Got myself some of my favorite tea, vanilla roobious :) mmm..delicious, went to the Forge, we had good conversation tonight. It was a HUGE blessing to see Laura come to the Forge and hang out :) I think out of the whole day, that was the best moment... As I have missed my friend so! We went to Red Robin, and yet again I escaped happily with no embarrassing birthday song, score! Laura and I came to my house to hang out and catch up for a bit, since it had been so long since we had seen eachother... What a great way to end the day! Surrounded by friends :) That was pretty much the sum up of my 26th birthday..plain, simple, and I am totally content with that!
I will say, I had a wierd feeling this morning, as I was laying in bed, I felt different...Like, I felt a year older...Thats always a wierd feeling. It doesnt happen often to me, but occasionally on my birthday, I will feel like I have aged. During that time, I was thinking about life, reflecting. I thought to myself about how last year when I turned 25, I was majorly depressed and wanted no recognition at all. I wanted to lay in bed all day and do nothing, I wanted to sleep the day away. People kept telling me "25 isnt old, just wait till you turn 40." My response to that should have been, but right now I am turning 25, and this is the birthday that is hard for me. I will deal with 40 when it comes....of course, I never said that to anyone last year.. I guess I was just too depressed to care.. So depressed in fact, that I cried on my birthday. I am not fully sure as to why 25 was such a hard birthday for me, but it was. This one was much better, even though I had that wierd feeling of "i feel older" I am not freaking out about it. I am ok with the age change (mostly, lol) and I am just in a place where I dont really care. It doesnt mean that much to me. I am going to turn another year older, and it is what it is.. So thats my ramblings on that. On to the next...
As I was reflecting today. I thought to myself, how did I get here? I am a 26 year old divorced woman, living in my home with my 2 cats and God. I surely thought I would be married with 2.4 kids and a white picket fence by now. Well, I did have the married with the white picket fence (no joke) down for a while. Part of the problem was that He fell in love with the manic side of me, I don't think he realized I had a depressive half that cycles a few times a year. Then if you add in the drug addiction, our young ages, and ignorance about marriage, and life in general... The marriage failed. I don't blame him any more than I blame myself. We both had problems, and in the end I gave up... I became unwilling to fight, because the addiction that held my mind captive became more important than fighting for our marriage. I think in the end, we went our separate ways and are probably both better off for it. Back to reality, now I am alone. I walk this life road alone every day right now. I hope and pray that someday God will bring me a man who will love me for me, and who will cherish my heart and who will be a solid shelter... Someone who will lead me in the ways of the Lord... For now though, I am ok with walking alone. It has taken some time to realize that, but God has blessed me tremendously, and He dwells not only in my heart but in my home as well. He is here with me every step of the way. I am truly blessed to be in the season I am currently in right now. I am letting God be my rock, I am starting to find my way and know that its ok to be alone. To cherish the time I have right now, because, with the desires of my heart to be a wife again someday, I also cherish the alone time God is providing to spend with Him. My alone times of worship, and prayer, He is here with me... I was worried that I would be afraid to live alone, because of my safety.. I am not afraid, not of the dark, not of being home alone during the day or at night. This is a huge accomplishment, because fear at one time in my life ruled me. I know God is with me and I know that I am safe and secure in the home He has provided for me. I know God will continue to provide for me. Things will be tight for the next few months but I know that God has promised to provide for me, and I will remain faithful to Him in His promises. So, in conclusion of this section...I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in life at this age, but I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. My life experience has taught me things of importance and though I am not the most healthy of people, I continue to get up and go every day. I dont lay around and feel sorry for myself that I have these health, mental, and spiritual ailments. Its not about how you are treated in life, its really how you react to it... Push through the hard times, and learn from mistakes...and I think I will turn out just fine in the end, as long as I cling to Jesus.
In all, today has been a bizzare and good day. And now, it being 1:20 a.m. and with my having to work in the morning, I probably better get some sleep...who knows, maybe I'll actually drink some coffee tomorrow morning lol...
So...This morning, I woke up and layed in bed for a while :) call it a lazy thursday morning... It was good. Finally after a few hours of that, I got up and as I was getting ready for my day, I managed to bruise my elbow and make my nose bleed, all before 10 a.m....I was laughing about it, I went to my new place of employment filled out paper work, took the drug test, and gave my 2 forms of ID. That took about an hour, was kind of boring but it needed to be done. I came home and watched an episode of Star Trek, then headed out with Fred to meet mom for a late lunch. We went to Olive garden, it was delicious! And, I was sure to thank mom for the tummy ache lol... Came back home full to the brim, and sat down for another episode of Star Trek :) before I knew it I was waking up...my hand was red and numb from falling asleep on it, my show was over and it was time to leave for the Forge. Got myself some of my favorite tea, vanilla roobious :) mmm..delicious, went to the Forge, we had good conversation tonight. It was a HUGE blessing to see Laura come to the Forge and hang out :) I think out of the whole day, that was the best moment... As I have missed my friend so! We went to Red Robin, and yet again I escaped happily with no embarrassing birthday song, score! Laura and I came to my house to hang out and catch up for a bit, since it had been so long since we had seen eachother... What a great way to end the day! Surrounded by friends :) That was pretty much the sum up of my 26th birthday..plain, simple, and I am totally content with that!
I will say, I had a wierd feeling this morning, as I was laying in bed, I felt different...Like, I felt a year older...Thats always a wierd feeling. It doesnt happen often to me, but occasionally on my birthday, I will feel like I have aged. During that time, I was thinking about life, reflecting. I thought to myself about how last year when I turned 25, I was majorly depressed and wanted no recognition at all. I wanted to lay in bed all day and do nothing, I wanted to sleep the day away. People kept telling me "25 isnt old, just wait till you turn 40." My response to that should have been, but right now I am turning 25, and this is the birthday that is hard for me. I will deal with 40 when it comes....of course, I never said that to anyone last year.. I guess I was just too depressed to care.. So depressed in fact, that I cried on my birthday. I am not fully sure as to why 25 was such a hard birthday for me, but it was. This one was much better, even though I had that wierd feeling of "i feel older" I am not freaking out about it. I am ok with the age change (mostly, lol) and I am just in a place where I dont really care. It doesnt mean that much to me. I am going to turn another year older, and it is what it is.. So thats my ramblings on that. On to the next...
As I was reflecting today. I thought to myself, how did I get here? I am a 26 year old divorced woman, living in my home with my 2 cats and God. I surely thought I would be married with 2.4 kids and a white picket fence by now. Well, I did have the married with the white picket fence (no joke) down for a while. Part of the problem was that He fell in love with the manic side of me, I don't think he realized I had a depressive half that cycles a few times a year. Then if you add in the drug addiction, our young ages, and ignorance about marriage, and life in general... The marriage failed. I don't blame him any more than I blame myself. We both had problems, and in the end I gave up... I became unwilling to fight, because the addiction that held my mind captive became more important than fighting for our marriage. I think in the end, we went our separate ways and are probably both better off for it. Back to reality, now I am alone. I walk this life road alone every day right now. I hope and pray that someday God will bring me a man who will love me for me, and who will cherish my heart and who will be a solid shelter... Someone who will lead me in the ways of the Lord... For now though, I am ok with walking alone. It has taken some time to realize that, but God has blessed me tremendously, and He dwells not only in my heart but in my home as well. He is here with me every step of the way. I am truly blessed to be in the season I am currently in right now. I am letting God be my rock, I am starting to find my way and know that its ok to be alone. To cherish the time I have right now, because, with the desires of my heart to be a wife again someday, I also cherish the alone time God is providing to spend with Him. My alone times of worship, and prayer, He is here with me... I was worried that I would be afraid to live alone, because of my safety.. I am not afraid, not of the dark, not of being home alone during the day or at night. This is a huge accomplishment, because fear at one time in my life ruled me. I know God is with me and I know that I am safe and secure in the home He has provided for me. I know God will continue to provide for me. Things will be tight for the next few months but I know that God has promised to provide for me, and I will remain faithful to Him in His promises. So, in conclusion of this section...I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in life at this age, but I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. My life experience has taught me things of importance and though I am not the most healthy of people, I continue to get up and go every day. I dont lay around and feel sorry for myself that I have these health, mental, and spiritual ailments. Its not about how you are treated in life, its really how you react to it... Push through the hard times, and learn from mistakes...and I think I will turn out just fine in the end, as long as I cling to Jesus.
In all, today has been a bizzare and good day. And now, it being 1:20 a.m. and with my having to work in the morning, I probably better get some sleep...who knows, maybe I'll actually drink some coffee tomorrow morning lol...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Beautiful failure
Finally... I was able to log in on my computer. I have wanted so badly to write in this blog since my last entry but haven't been able to get online and thats a frustrating ordeal...anyway, enough venting. Let me sum up a few things, then get to the topic.
-Last week was busy.
-The weekend at the beach with leaders was a blessing, not much of an agenda...a time of rest was much needed.
-Got the job at ACS, such a blessing, yet a worry at the same time..call center's are toxic environments.
-No, I am NOT quitting at Starbucks...contrary to "popular belief"
-My birthday is the day after tomorrow...ugh.
-Next term, I am going to be busy....really busy...2 jobs, a business, part time school, and church stuff...color me rediculous!
-My grandparents gave me their cat, Gata, :) now I am a 2 cat family...does that make me the crazy cat lady? We will stop at 2, I certainly dont need a 3rd! haha...then I for certain would be the crazy cat lady..no, no..2 is enough :)
-I am well into the first season of the origional Star Trek :) for those of you who dont know...I am a nerd.
-I love my nook, I downloaded a book tonight...first one I have purchased on it :) Karen Kingsbury's A Thousand Tomorrows (grandma reccomended, and so far its an excellent book!)
-I love, love, love my home. God has blessed me beyond what I ever dreamed I would have.
-Random, but I want to go on a vaca to Florida, so that is my common goal for the time being...save up money and go for a vacation to the southern beaches of that beautiful state... I'm thinking Miami :)
-Soon as I get the chance (steady job, vaca time) I plan on taking regular vacations...
-A lot on my mind lately...
Ok, thats a nice way to sum up the last few weeks...granted its not in detail, but I think that will be sufficient for now. Finally, on to what I really wanted to blog about...
Failure, as defined by Dictionary.com -
-Last week was busy.
-The weekend at the beach with leaders was a blessing, not much of an agenda...a time of rest was much needed.
-Got the job at ACS, such a blessing, yet a worry at the same time..call center's are toxic environments.
-No, I am NOT quitting at Starbucks...contrary to "popular belief"
-My birthday is the day after tomorrow...ugh.
-Next term, I am going to be busy....really busy...2 jobs, a business, part time school, and church stuff...color me rediculous!
-My grandparents gave me their cat, Gata, :) now I am a 2 cat family...does that make me the crazy cat lady? We will stop at 2, I certainly dont need a 3rd! haha...then I for certain would be the crazy cat lady..no, no..2 is enough :)
-I am well into the first season of the origional Star Trek :) for those of you who dont know...I am a nerd.
-I love my nook, I downloaded a book tonight...first one I have purchased on it :) Karen Kingsbury's A Thousand Tomorrows (grandma reccomended, and so far its an excellent book!)
-I love, love, love my home. God has blessed me beyond what I ever dreamed I would have.
-Random, but I want to go on a vaca to Florida, so that is my common goal for the time being...save up money and go for a vacation to the southern beaches of that beautiful state... I'm thinking Miami :)
-Soon as I get the chance (steady job, vaca time) I plan on taking regular vacations...
-A lot on my mind lately...
Ok, thats a nice way to sum up the last few weeks...granted its not in detail, but I think that will be sufficient for now. Finally, on to what I really wanted to blog about...
Failure, as defined by Dictionary.com -
–noun
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. the campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
5. a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
6. a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank.
7.a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.
Beautiful as defined by Dictionary.com-
beau·ti·ful
[byoo-tuh-fuh
l] 
Show IPA
l] Show IPA –adjective
1. having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.
I suppose in one sense of the definitions of beautiful and failue, one could conclude that I am talking about an excellent failure, a perfect failing of what should be. Thats one way to look at it, however, I would like to look at it from a different angle. Having beauty, is it possible to be beautiful in failure? To know that we as humans are fully and completely imperfect and to have such a heart for God that when we fail, the way we react to life situations is beautiful to our awesome and wonderful Creator? As I was thinking about this earlier today, I was contemplating the failures I have every day, failures like the thoughts that run through my mind, gossip, lashing out in anger, envy, giving in to tempations... These are only a few of my many stumbling blocks.
The question is...How do I react to my failures? Do I admit that I am wrong and humble myself to make things right? Not usually. Today, I had a failure. As I sat in my home, crying, and calling out to God for forgiveness and provision, I thought to myself...This is what its about. Out of the millions of times I have sinned, the millions of times I have failed in one way or another, this one time, I handled it as I probably should always handle it. I didnt wait to ask forgiveness, I just did. Plain and simple. One time out of millions, I might have gotten it right.
I will say, I almost immediately felt the peace that surpasses all understanding, grace, mercy and the unconditional love of our heavenly father. I felt Him, in a way I cant say I have before. He truly does love me....the song 'How he loves us' came to mind...such a blessed song about how much God the father loves His children, and it is SO true!
Beautiful failure....being so broken over sin that I come crawling on my hands and knees to my Heavenly Father asking forgiveness, desiring to never take the sinful action again, repenting of the crime I have committed against God, and praying against attacks from the enemy that will try to trip me up. Thats my definition of beautiful failure, because in my humble and broken heart is where God see's true beauty.
The lies of the enemy are telling me things constantly, "you're too fat" or "you're not beautiful", or "you're too young" or "youre too old"..."you're unlovable"...lies, lies, lies! I did an experiment, I for 2 weeks, everyday stood in front of my bathroom mirror after showering, no makeup, hair not done, and bare as could be. Looked myself straight in the eyes and told myself that I am beautiful. What an improvement it has made in such a short amount of time.... Sometimes, I think that I just cant win! If I say that I know I am beautiful then I am conceited, and if I say that I am not beautiful then I have no self esteem...I think its about finding the balance. Knowing that God made me perfect in His eyes and thats all that matters, yet not being narcissistic *spelling? .... Confidence comes from God alone, not if I have a boyfriend, or if I am successful in life according to lifes terms...I want to live according to Gods terms, and will. so...
Beautiful failure...I am human, I mess up, and I am covered by the mercy and grace of God.
On another note...(see, its been too long since I have been able to get online so I have all this word vomit that I need to spill!)
God has given me a fire, a passion in my heart to do leadership differently...more on that to come in the future, but for now... If you are a leader in the church, or a believer in Christ in general then pay attention...because this applies to you! ........We as leaders, and as christians need to step down from the pedistal people have put us up on, get on our hands and knees, and allow the people we serve to use us as a step stool to get closer to God. That, right there is what its all about....That is all I will share on that topic for now. Think about it.
Hmmm... It seems I may have run out of things to write about...perhapse I have been successful in spilling my guts in this entry..or I am just forgetting a bunch of stuff, lol..either way, I am almost ready to log off. Guy is sleeping so cute next to me, Gata is somewhere else in the house...and my contacts are getting blurry from staring at this screen too long...whoa, an hour just passed so quickly while writing this that I didnt even notice. Ok, last thing before I publish this... Kind of random, I know, but I really want to go to Florida for a vacation so, I am saving my tips from work...every week (starting today) I will put my tips in a jar and wait for them to accumulate, once I have enough I will book my vacation :)
Ah...I have remembered something else in all of my stalling to get offline! I am without television right now, and internet only when I am able to log in via the company that is across the street from me (unlocked wifi network) its a blessing when it works, but I cant get on all the time...so, I am finding other things to do... My wall has just begun, I am painting the serentiy prayer on a wall in my house, its a big project and going to take a long time and a lot of patience, but I am off to a good start :) I am able to listen to worship music, read, and find other things to occupy my smal amount of free time... like watching the entire series of Star Trek lol...jk. I am also reading a book titled "When women walk alone." It is a marvelous book so far and addresses all the times women walk alone, such as being single women, being divorced women, being married but lonely for some reason or another... I am finding hope in this book, and I am happy to hear what God wants to share with me through it...I also have been reading in my bible more... Its not always easy to do, but it is so worth it when I finally sit my butt down and read...anyway, for the third time...thats probably enough out of me! I work tomorrow, have Thursday off work, Work friday and have Saturday off, I am so excited for the worship night on Saturday :) Have Sunday off as well, then begins the new term, 2 1/2 hour math classes again. Should all work out in its own special way... well, I am falling asleep at the keyboard so I am off to bed my friends... Be blessed and thanks for reading!
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