It's 12:31 A.M. on Friday morning, March 25th. My birthday was technically yesterday as its past midnight, but because I just haven't gone to bed yet, I'll call it today... :) It has been a bizzare day, Probably the wierdest birthday I have ever had. As I sit here I am overwhelmed with the love and kindness of friends. The warm birthday wishes have been plentiful. My phone has been blowin up all day with text messages, emails, and facebook notifications of "happy birthday!" in many forms of the words :) It's funny to me, in an ironic sense of the word how at one time in my life I counted my self worth on how many people wished me a happy birthday, how many cards I received, or how many people came to my party. I don't feel that way anymore, today is just another day in life. Just another day to do the things that need to be done. I just don't really care about my birthday this year, as I have in the prior few years as well. I am ok with not having a party, I am ok with no big celebration, or recognition. Its just another day, and I have managed to make it through without a big ordeal of any kind, which is just the way I wanted it...no one sang happy birthday, no cake, nothing... It was perfect!
So...This morning, I woke up and layed in bed for a while :) call it a lazy thursday morning... It was good. Finally after a few hours of that, I got up and as I was getting ready for my day, I managed to bruise my elbow and make my nose bleed, all before 10 a.m....I was laughing about it, I went to my new place of employment filled out paper work, took the drug test, and gave my 2 forms of ID. That took about an hour, was kind of boring but it needed to be done. I came home and watched an episode of Star Trek, then headed out with Fred to meet mom for a late lunch. We went to Olive garden, it was delicious! And, I was sure to thank mom for the tummy ache lol... Came back home full to the brim, and sat down for another episode of Star Trek :) before I knew it I was waking up...my hand was red and numb from falling asleep on it, my show was over and it was time to leave for the Forge. Got myself some of my favorite tea, vanilla roobious :) mmm..delicious, went to the Forge, we had good conversation tonight. It was a HUGE blessing to see Laura come to the Forge and hang out :) I think out of the whole day, that was the best moment... As I have missed my friend so! We went to Red Robin, and yet again I escaped happily with no embarrassing birthday song, score! Laura and I came to my house to hang out and catch up for a bit, since it had been so long since we had seen eachother... What a great way to end the day! Surrounded by friends :) That was pretty much the sum up of my 26th birthday..plain, simple, and I am totally content with that!
I will say, I had a wierd feeling this morning, as I was laying in bed, I felt different...Like, I felt a year older...Thats always a wierd feeling. It doesnt happen often to me, but occasionally on my birthday, I will feel like I have aged. During that time, I was thinking about life, reflecting. I thought to myself about how last year when I turned 25, I was majorly depressed and wanted no recognition at all. I wanted to lay in bed all day and do nothing, I wanted to sleep the day away. People kept telling me "25 isnt old, just wait till you turn 40." My response to that should have been, but right now I am turning 25, and this is the birthday that is hard for me. I will deal with 40 when it comes....of course, I never said that to anyone last year.. I guess I was just too depressed to care.. So depressed in fact, that I cried on my birthday. I am not fully sure as to why 25 was such a hard birthday for me, but it was. This one was much better, even though I had that wierd feeling of "i feel older" I am not freaking out about it. I am ok with the age change (mostly, lol) and I am just in a place where I dont really care. It doesnt mean that much to me. I am going to turn another year older, and it is what it is.. So thats my ramblings on that. On to the next...
As I was reflecting today. I thought to myself, how did I get here? I am a 26 year old divorced woman, living in my home with my 2 cats and God. I surely thought I would be married with 2.4 kids and a white picket fence by now. Well, I did have the married with the white picket fence (no joke) down for a while. Part of the problem was that He fell in love with the manic side of me, I don't think he realized I had a depressive half that cycles a few times a year. Then if you add in the drug addiction, our young ages, and ignorance about marriage, and life in general... The marriage failed. I don't blame him any more than I blame myself. We both had problems, and in the end I gave up... I became unwilling to fight, because the addiction that held my mind captive became more important than fighting for our marriage. I think in the end, we went our separate ways and are probably both better off for it. Back to reality, now I am alone. I walk this life road alone every day right now. I hope and pray that someday God will bring me a man who will love me for me, and who will cherish my heart and who will be a solid shelter... Someone who will lead me in the ways of the Lord... For now though, I am ok with walking alone. It has taken some time to realize that, but God has blessed me tremendously, and He dwells not only in my heart but in my home as well. He is here with me every step of the way. I am truly blessed to be in the season I am currently in right now. I am letting God be my rock, I am starting to find my way and know that its ok to be alone. To cherish the time I have right now, because, with the desires of my heart to be a wife again someday, I also cherish the alone time God is providing to spend with Him. My alone times of worship, and prayer, He is here with me... I was worried that I would be afraid to live alone, because of my safety.. I am not afraid, not of the dark, not of being home alone during the day or at night. This is a huge accomplishment, because fear at one time in my life ruled me. I know God is with me and I know that I am safe and secure in the home He has provided for me. I know God will continue to provide for me. Things will be tight for the next few months but I know that God has promised to provide for me, and I will remain faithful to Him in His promises. So, in conclusion of this section...I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in life at this age, but I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. My life experience has taught me things of importance and though I am not the most healthy of people, I continue to get up and go every day. I dont lay around and feel sorry for myself that I have these health, mental, and spiritual ailments. Its not about how you are treated in life, its really how you react to it... Push through the hard times, and learn from mistakes...and I think I will turn out just fine in the end, as long as I cling to Jesus.
In all, today has been a bizzare and good day. And now, it being 1:20 a.m. and with my having to work in the morning, I probably better get some sleep...who knows, maybe I'll actually drink some coffee tomorrow morning lol...
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