-Last week was busy.
-The weekend at the beach with leaders was a blessing, not much of an agenda...a time of rest was much needed.
-Got the job at ACS, such a blessing, yet a worry at the same time..call center's are toxic environments.
-No, I am NOT quitting at Starbucks...contrary to "popular belief"
-My birthday is the day after tomorrow...ugh.
-Next term, I am going to be busy....really busy...2 jobs, a business, part time school, and church stuff...color me rediculous!
-My grandparents gave me their cat, Gata, :) now I am a 2 cat family...does that make me the crazy cat lady? We will stop at 2, I certainly dont need a 3rd! haha...then I for certain would be the crazy cat lady..no, no..2 is enough :)
-I am well into the first season of the origional Star Trek :) for those of you who dont know...I am a nerd.
-I love my nook, I downloaded a book tonight...first one I have purchased on it :) Karen Kingsbury's A Thousand Tomorrows (grandma reccomended, and so far its an excellent book!)
-I love, love, love my home. God has blessed me beyond what I ever dreamed I would have.
-Random, but I want to go on a vaca to Florida, so that is my common goal for the time being...save up money and go for a vacation to the southern beaches of that beautiful state... I'm thinking Miami :)
-Soon as I get the chance (steady job, vaca time) I plan on taking regular vacations...
-A lot on my mind lately...
Ok, thats a nice way to sum up the last few weeks...granted its not in detail, but I think that will be sufficient for now. Finally, on to what I really wanted to blog about...
Failure, as defined by Dictionary.com -
–noun
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. the campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
5. a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
6. a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank.
7.a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.
Beautiful as defined by Dictionary.com-
beau·ti·ful
[byoo-tuh-fuh
l] 
Show IPA
l] Show IPA –adjective
1. having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.
I suppose in one sense of the definitions of beautiful and failue, one could conclude that I am talking about an excellent failure, a perfect failing of what should be. Thats one way to look at it, however, I would like to look at it from a different angle. Having beauty, is it possible to be beautiful in failure? To know that we as humans are fully and completely imperfect and to have such a heart for God that when we fail, the way we react to life situations is beautiful to our awesome and wonderful Creator? As I was thinking about this earlier today, I was contemplating the failures I have every day, failures like the thoughts that run through my mind, gossip, lashing out in anger, envy, giving in to tempations... These are only a few of my many stumbling blocks.
The question is...How do I react to my failures? Do I admit that I am wrong and humble myself to make things right? Not usually. Today, I had a failure. As I sat in my home, crying, and calling out to God for forgiveness and provision, I thought to myself...This is what its about. Out of the millions of times I have sinned, the millions of times I have failed in one way or another, this one time, I handled it as I probably should always handle it. I didnt wait to ask forgiveness, I just did. Plain and simple. One time out of millions, I might have gotten it right.
I will say, I almost immediately felt the peace that surpasses all understanding, grace, mercy and the unconditional love of our heavenly father. I felt Him, in a way I cant say I have before. He truly does love me....the song 'How he loves us' came to mind...such a blessed song about how much God the father loves His children, and it is SO true!
Beautiful failure....being so broken over sin that I come crawling on my hands and knees to my Heavenly Father asking forgiveness, desiring to never take the sinful action again, repenting of the crime I have committed against God, and praying against attacks from the enemy that will try to trip me up. Thats my definition of beautiful failure, because in my humble and broken heart is where God see's true beauty.
The lies of the enemy are telling me things constantly, "you're too fat" or "you're not beautiful", or "you're too young" or "youre too old"..."you're unlovable"...lies, lies, lies! I did an experiment, I for 2 weeks, everyday stood in front of my bathroom mirror after showering, no makeup, hair not done, and bare as could be. Looked myself straight in the eyes and told myself that I am beautiful. What an improvement it has made in such a short amount of time.... Sometimes, I think that I just cant win! If I say that I know I am beautiful then I am conceited, and if I say that I am not beautiful then I have no self esteem...I think its about finding the balance. Knowing that God made me perfect in His eyes and thats all that matters, yet not being narcissistic *spelling? .... Confidence comes from God alone, not if I have a boyfriend, or if I am successful in life according to lifes terms...I want to live according to Gods terms, and will. so...
Beautiful failure...I am human, I mess up, and I am covered by the mercy and grace of God.
On another note...(see, its been too long since I have been able to get online so I have all this word vomit that I need to spill!)
God has given me a fire, a passion in my heart to do leadership differently...more on that to come in the future, but for now... If you are a leader in the church, or a believer in Christ in general then pay attention...because this applies to you! ........We as leaders, and as christians need to step down from the pedistal people have put us up on, get on our hands and knees, and allow the people we serve to use us as a step stool to get closer to God. That, right there is what its all about....That is all I will share on that topic for now. Think about it.
Hmmm... It seems I may have run out of things to write about...perhapse I have been successful in spilling my guts in this entry..or I am just forgetting a bunch of stuff, lol..either way, I am almost ready to log off. Guy is sleeping so cute next to me, Gata is somewhere else in the house...and my contacts are getting blurry from staring at this screen too long...whoa, an hour just passed so quickly while writing this that I didnt even notice. Ok, last thing before I publish this... Kind of random, I know, but I really want to go to Florida for a vacation so, I am saving my tips from work...every week (starting today) I will put my tips in a jar and wait for them to accumulate, once I have enough I will book my vacation :)
Ah...I have remembered something else in all of my stalling to get offline! I am without television right now, and internet only when I am able to log in via the company that is across the street from me (unlocked wifi network) its a blessing when it works, but I cant get on all the time...so, I am finding other things to do... My wall has just begun, I am painting the serentiy prayer on a wall in my house, its a big project and going to take a long time and a lot of patience, but I am off to a good start :) I am able to listen to worship music, read, and find other things to occupy my smal amount of free time... like watching the entire series of Star Trek lol...jk. I am also reading a book titled "When women walk alone." It is a marvelous book so far and addresses all the times women walk alone, such as being single women, being divorced women, being married but lonely for some reason or another... I am finding hope in this book, and I am happy to hear what God wants to share with me through it...I also have been reading in my bible more... Its not always easy to do, but it is so worth it when I finally sit my butt down and read...anyway, for the third time...thats probably enough out of me! I work tomorrow, have Thursday off work, Work friday and have Saturday off, I am so excited for the worship night on Saturday :) Have Sunday off as well, then begins the new term, 2 1/2 hour math classes again. Should all work out in its own special way... well, I am falling asleep at the keyboard so I am off to bed my friends... Be blessed and thanks for reading!
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