So, its 9:30pm and I have currently been up for 36 hours. I did take a short hour and a half snooze at 9 this morning, but it was short lived. It did however give me enough energy, along with eating apples, to get through the day.. I tell you, eating an apple will keep you awake better than a cup of coffee without all the nasty side effects of coffee :) That just a side note though. Anyway, I am pretty sure I am going into a manic phase, at least thats how it feels. Considering I have been awake for 36 hours and I am not really feeling any more tired than I think I would if I had a full night of sleep last night. I know earlier I was like a zombie, but right now I feel pretty good...maybe thats just all the caffine and apple's running through my veins though..lol. Either way, here I am. I am awake and I know I wrote a blog just last night, but I have been known to write some pretty honest things late at night when I am beat to a pulp by the day. Well, lets get on with it shall we?
Math. There it is again, this stupid thing that doesnt seem to understand. I dont like math, I never have and I doubt I ever will! I got 43/50 on my quiz that I received back today and that was extremely frustrating. I have tried so hard to get good grades, and I feel like 43/50 is a failure. Call me a perfectionist if you want to, but the truth of the matter is, I just want to be good enough to get into the right school when its time to transfer. I want to be that "top of my class" person. I'm not saying I have to be perfect, but I currently have a 4.0 gpa, I have NEVER had a 4.0 gpa before in my life. It feels good to be a straight A student. Even if I did have to start in math 10. I dont care. It is what it is and people can make fun of me all they want, but I am terrible at math. I feel like so far I have been keeping up fairly well, but the last couple classes I have felt like I am starting to lose it. We are starting to get into stuff I dont understand, and I am trying to pay attention, ask for help and I even have a study buddy. But it doesnt seem to be enough. I am so frustrated, today I asked my teacher a few questions about the quiz that I didnt do so well on, and he answered them in a hurried way, then other students were coming up to talk to him and I was ready to cry so I just thanked him for the help and walked away. I know that a lot of my emotion is coming from the fact that I didnt sleep last night, but it still brings up those old feelings. The ones that tell me I'm stupid because I dont understand. The ones that tell me, I will never get it and I should just give up. I think that part of me feels like I am not being heard in my "cry" for help to my teacher. Like the abandonment issues from when I was little, left alone to have the crap beat out of me, are impacting my feelings about math. Heh, not really two things that would seem to go together...Like really? How can I feel abandoned from a math teacher. I just feel like the class is moving along faster than I am ready for. Like, really. Why isnt there a math class between 20 and 60?! There should be. For people like me who just take a little extra time to learn this stuff. I just get so frustrated sometimes with math and stupid things like significant digits... It was all I could do today to walk out of class without crying! I think people thought I was pissed off, but I was really just trying to hold back tears until I got in my car..... I have a plan... My study buddy and I are going to get together to go over some of this stuff more, and before class on Thursday, when we have our exam I am going to see the teacher during his office hours and see if he can explain a few things to me that I didnt get the first time. I know that I just need to communicate to him that I still dont fully understand, and that I am trying.. Maybe even shoot for some extra credit. Hopefully I can pull an A out of this class, even if its an A-. I think anything less than that and I will probably feel like a failure. Majorly.
I know, people are probably going to tell me that I'm smart, that I can do it. But, somehow in the midst of it all.. it never seems to matter. I know the answers, I know what steps I need to take, I know that I have the ability and that right now its just pissing me off and frustrating me to the point of tears, but thats why I'm even writing this in the first place. To vent. To get it off my chest, so that I can go to bed, sleep like a rock without a care in the world, wake up in the morning and do the next right thing. Right now, I just needed to get this all out there. Well, its 10pm, and my eyes are starting to get a smidgen on the heavy side. I'm pretty sure things will look better in the morning, but for now, I'm going to get some sleep.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
I never planned to...
Well, I didnt plan on writing a blog tonight, but, here I am. I figured since have one and a half years clean and sober today, I might as well. So, to start off, today has been a good day. Eventhough I am tired, and just got off work a bit ago, and I'm opening in the morning. Its a good day. I totally forgot today was my 1 1/2 yr milestone in recovery until I was talking to a friend at work. Was a pretty good conversation. So, lets jump into the topic shall we?
I never planned to be a 26 year old divorcee. I never planned to be counting up clean and sober days. I never planned to have a son in heaven. I never planned to be bruitally raped. I never planned to be molested when I was a baby, or again when I was 4. I never planned to pick up a bottle of pills at 13 years old, or a bottle of alcohol, cigarette, and joint when I was 22. I never planned to binge, purge and starve myself for close to 10 years. I never planned to have a career of prostituion behind me. I never planned to watch my mom and grandpa go through chemo therapy. I never planned to be in a car accident and have back surgery because of it. I never planned any of these things, or any of the other horrible things that have happened in life. But today, its all part of my story, plus so much more. So, I never planned these things, but they have happened nonetheless, so now what?
I may not have planned any of these things, but God will use them for good. He makes all things work together for my good. That doesnt mean that life will be easy. It doesnt mean that I will never have problems, but it does mean that God will take care of me, and the blessings will be poured out! I may be a 26 year old divorcee, but God never planned on me marrying him in the first place. I believe He has someone out there for me who will be better for me than even I could imagine.
I may be counting clean and sober days because for over 10 years I relied on pills, booze and bud to relieve me of my emotional pain. But God is using it for good, He is teaching me how to live again. Through the recovery programs I am part of. I can share my experience, strength and hope. At least I have one and a half miraculous years of time that I havent used or drank! Amazing :)
Though my precious Aiden Zacharias is in heaven, God has promised to give me another son. Someday, I will know what its like to carry a precious baby for the full 9 months. Someday, because God has promised me, and I believe him.
I certainly never planned on being bruitally raped by 3 people, but through my being raped and recovering from the incident, I am able to speak into other women's lives. To give them hope that they can get through it and come out on the other side, still living. That its not the end of the world, no matter how bad it feels at the time. The flashbacks will get less powerful over time, and they will be able to go on another day. It wasnt my choice to be molested when I was a baby, or to always know that I was somehow different than other little girls my age. I always knew that I wasnt the same as them. I always knew that sexually, I was different. That something wasnt right, I always knew that. But never knew what until the truth was revealed.
When 13 hit, and the surgery on my right foot happened. They gave my my first bottle of precious vicodin. Wow, that stuff was amazing. I never planned to continue taking it, but I was hooked from the first pill. Man, it was good stuff.
I never planned to be a fat kid, or to start starving myself (that one took extra determination and will power, because I loved food SO much!) or to start binging and urging. That was a hard one, but Iwasnt as bad as the girls on t.v. because they had a problem, and I didnt. I could control it and I could stop any time I wanted. I just didnt want to. Until before I knew it, the eating disorders ran my life. But God has used me for good in that as well. Obviously, I dont have a problem with starving myself anymore lol.
Picking up the bottle, a cigarette, and a joint when I was 22. Well, I may not have planned that, but I did it nonetheless. Pills werent accessible at that time, so I decided to try something different. Look where that got me, jobless, prostituting to make money, raped.. all those things and more were the product of my choice to pick up the booze and bud. God is continuting to use me in that too. Ever wonder why I love the color pink so much? Tony spoke it over me at a retreat, November 2009. Pink is made from red (fire for God) and White (purity) This has been the spark of my whole ministry. Pure Fire Ministries. Yep, I'm actually gonna do it! With Gods help of course, and I am so excited to see where he leads :) anyway, God is using me to show women that purity can be restored. I felt so dirty, like damaged goods, used, unwanted, unlovable for so long. Now, I am lovable, I am wanted, desired, and I am as good as new. All these are things God has done for me :)
Mom and grampa went through chemo. Well, that was a hard one. But, now I can talk to other women and girls whose mothers get diagnosed with cancer. Its not easy to watch. Wishing I could have done something, but because I couldnt, because I had no control. I drank and smoked it all away. But guess what, when I sobered up...the problem was still there.
Chronic pain, car accident, back surgery. That one I definitely didnt plan! My life was changed in an instant. A whole year and a half when most days all I could do was lay in the chair because I was in so much pain. Surgery that probably cost me a promotion. However, think of this. I was told by the doctor that I would be on pain pills for 6 months or more. I was only on them for 3 weeks. I was told it would be 8 to 9 months before I would be back to my normal life. I went hiking 4 weeks after surgery! How incredible is that?! If hiking isnt normal life, I dont know what is :)
These things are all just a part of my story. I am no more stronger than the next person. I owe my life to Jesus. He is my strength, and my shield. If it werent for God who knows where I would be or what I would be doing by now. Heck, I would probably be dead. Probably would have overdosed like a few of my close friends did.. sad for them, and I miss them so much. I am blessed. I own a house, I have an awesome fat cat :) I am back in school to get my education, I have a job when most of the world is unemployed. Yeah, I am tremendously blessed. So, what do I have to complain about? Aside from every day chronic pain, and a past full of crap... nothing, because I am blessed :)
I am so very excited to see what God does with the Pure Fire Ministry! I am along for the ride :) I will continue to walk in Gods grace. He has led me this far, and he is not going to leave me hanging I am truly blessed, and truly thankful to have the programs, and my sobriety :)
Now, if only these airplanes would stop flying over my house at all hours of the night! I guess thats what i get for living under their flight path to PDX lol. Such is life!
Bon nuit :)
I never planned to be a 26 year old divorcee. I never planned to be counting up clean and sober days. I never planned to have a son in heaven. I never planned to be bruitally raped. I never planned to be molested when I was a baby, or again when I was 4. I never planned to pick up a bottle of pills at 13 years old, or a bottle of alcohol, cigarette, and joint when I was 22. I never planned to binge, purge and starve myself for close to 10 years. I never planned to have a career of prostituion behind me. I never planned to watch my mom and grandpa go through chemo therapy. I never planned to be in a car accident and have back surgery because of it. I never planned any of these things, or any of the other horrible things that have happened in life. But today, its all part of my story, plus so much more. So, I never planned these things, but they have happened nonetheless, so now what?
I may not have planned any of these things, but God will use them for good. He makes all things work together for my good. That doesnt mean that life will be easy. It doesnt mean that I will never have problems, but it does mean that God will take care of me, and the blessings will be poured out! I may be a 26 year old divorcee, but God never planned on me marrying him in the first place. I believe He has someone out there for me who will be better for me than even I could imagine.
I may be counting clean and sober days because for over 10 years I relied on pills, booze and bud to relieve me of my emotional pain. But God is using it for good, He is teaching me how to live again. Through the recovery programs I am part of. I can share my experience, strength and hope. At least I have one and a half miraculous years of time that I havent used or drank! Amazing :)
Though my precious Aiden Zacharias is in heaven, God has promised to give me another son. Someday, I will know what its like to carry a precious baby for the full 9 months. Someday, because God has promised me, and I believe him.
I certainly never planned on being bruitally raped by 3 people, but through my being raped and recovering from the incident, I am able to speak into other women's lives. To give them hope that they can get through it and come out on the other side, still living. That its not the end of the world, no matter how bad it feels at the time. The flashbacks will get less powerful over time, and they will be able to go on another day. It wasnt my choice to be molested when I was a baby, or to always know that I was somehow different than other little girls my age. I always knew that I wasnt the same as them. I always knew that sexually, I was different. That something wasnt right, I always knew that. But never knew what until the truth was revealed.
When 13 hit, and the surgery on my right foot happened. They gave my my first bottle of precious vicodin. Wow, that stuff was amazing. I never planned to continue taking it, but I was hooked from the first pill. Man, it was good stuff.
I never planned to be a fat kid, or to start starving myself (that one took extra determination and will power, because I loved food SO much!) or to start binging and urging. That was a hard one, but Iwasnt as bad as the girls on t.v. because they had a problem, and I didnt. I could control it and I could stop any time I wanted. I just didnt want to. Until before I knew it, the eating disorders ran my life. But God has used me for good in that as well. Obviously, I dont have a problem with starving myself anymore lol.
Picking up the bottle, a cigarette, and a joint when I was 22. Well, I may not have planned that, but I did it nonetheless. Pills werent accessible at that time, so I decided to try something different. Look where that got me, jobless, prostituting to make money, raped.. all those things and more were the product of my choice to pick up the booze and bud. God is continuting to use me in that too. Ever wonder why I love the color pink so much? Tony spoke it over me at a retreat, November 2009. Pink is made from red (fire for God) and White (purity) This has been the spark of my whole ministry. Pure Fire Ministries. Yep, I'm actually gonna do it! With Gods help of course, and I am so excited to see where he leads :) anyway, God is using me to show women that purity can be restored. I felt so dirty, like damaged goods, used, unwanted, unlovable for so long. Now, I am lovable, I am wanted, desired, and I am as good as new. All these are things God has done for me :)
Mom and grampa went through chemo. Well, that was a hard one. But, now I can talk to other women and girls whose mothers get diagnosed with cancer. Its not easy to watch. Wishing I could have done something, but because I couldnt, because I had no control. I drank and smoked it all away. But guess what, when I sobered up...the problem was still there.
Chronic pain, car accident, back surgery. That one I definitely didnt plan! My life was changed in an instant. A whole year and a half when most days all I could do was lay in the chair because I was in so much pain. Surgery that probably cost me a promotion. However, think of this. I was told by the doctor that I would be on pain pills for 6 months or more. I was only on them for 3 weeks. I was told it would be 8 to 9 months before I would be back to my normal life. I went hiking 4 weeks after surgery! How incredible is that?! If hiking isnt normal life, I dont know what is :)
These things are all just a part of my story. I am no more stronger than the next person. I owe my life to Jesus. He is my strength, and my shield. If it werent for God who knows where I would be or what I would be doing by now. Heck, I would probably be dead. Probably would have overdosed like a few of my close friends did.. sad for them, and I miss them so much. I am blessed. I own a house, I have an awesome fat cat :) I am back in school to get my education, I have a job when most of the world is unemployed. Yeah, I am tremendously blessed. So, what do I have to complain about? Aside from every day chronic pain, and a past full of crap... nothing, because I am blessed :)
I am so very excited to see what God does with the Pure Fire Ministry! I am along for the ride :) I will continue to walk in Gods grace. He has led me this far, and he is not going to leave me hanging I am truly blessed, and truly thankful to have the programs, and my sobriety :)
Now, if only these airplanes would stop flying over my house at all hours of the night! I guess thats what i get for living under their flight path to PDX lol. Such is life!
Bon nuit :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
look a little closer
Cool and collected,
Thats the vibe he puts off.
His insides protected.
From all the people who scoff.
When I look a little closer,
I see the fears
I see in his soul,
its collected from all the years.
From the outside,
funny and charming he is
But when I look a little closer,
to the surface rise the insecurites.
He tries to hide,
beneath his pride
but broken he is
just wanting to live.
He knows theres more
to life than this
his mind and spirit soar
to find out what it is
Living this life,
one day at a time
running from strife
looking for signs
to point him in the right direction
and show him that theres nothing left
always in the wrong section
being a victim to theft.
Cool and collected,
but when I look a little closer,
I see the fear
built from all the years.
The tears he should have cried
but inside
he lied.
Subject to rejection,
he gets back up
to once again
try his luck.
When I look a little closer
I can see him searching
for something thats real
he needs to heal..
Inside he knows the truth,
deep down...like in a booth
the one in the white gown,
waits for him in his youth.
Someday, he'll figure it out
then he'll scream and shout
from the rooftops, he will
with joy, God's paid his bill.
Such a beautiful gift,
for one, or all
it wouldnt have mattered
after the fall.
"Accept it,
he loves you
He'll save you from the pit
and make you new."
Thats what they say
to the man with no name
we'll call him Ray,
its all the same.
Yes, cool and collected he is
but when I look a little closer,
the gift is his.
Thats the vibe he puts off.
His insides protected.
From all the people who scoff.
When I look a little closer,
I see the fears
I see in his soul,
its collected from all the years.
From the outside,
funny and charming he is
But when I look a little closer,
to the surface rise the insecurites.
He tries to hide,
beneath his pride
but broken he is
just wanting to live.
He knows theres more
to life than this
his mind and spirit soar
to find out what it is
Living this life,
one day at a time
running from strife
looking for signs
to point him in the right direction
and show him that theres nothing left
always in the wrong section
being a victim to theft.
Cool and collected,
but when I look a little closer,
I see the fear
built from all the years.
The tears he should have cried
but inside
he lied.
Subject to rejection,
he gets back up
to once again
try his luck.
When I look a little closer
I can see him searching
for something thats real
he needs to heal..
Inside he knows the truth,
deep down...like in a booth
the one in the white gown,
waits for him in his youth.
Someday, he'll figure it out
then he'll scream and shout
from the rooftops, he will
with joy, God's paid his bill.
Such a beautiful gift,
for one, or all
it wouldnt have mattered
after the fall.
"Accept it,
he loves you
He'll save you from the pit
and make you new."
Thats what they say
to the man with no name
we'll call him Ray,
its all the same.
Yes, cool and collected he is
but when I look a little closer,
the gift is his.
Unfiltered freewrite~
The sunshine was out today, what a treat :) especially after the whole 20 or 30 some odd days we had of rain...ba humbag! Not anymore :) it was beautiful today, such a blessing!! I thoroughly enjoyed it... As a result, today was a pretty good pain day, I wasnt hurting as bad as normal and that is why I so desperately want to move to the desert someday..lol. Not anytime soon, but someday. The start of spring when the sun starts coming out always brings a few flashbacks with it. Today I had a flashback of when I was raped, it wasn't a fun one. On a good note, it didnt throw me into a panic attack so thats a plus. I guess you could say I'm being optimistic... or my writing on a chalk board would curve up toward the ceiling as my math teacher would say... lol. Anyway, mr fatty cat is super cute sleeping on the couch next to me, and oh my its 12:28 am.. goodness, I better get to bed soon, otherwise Im not going to want to get up in the morning. The heater just kicked on, and its noisy. And windy. My fingers are cold, as are my feet. brrr.... lol. Root beer is delicious, and I think I ate too many potato chips tonight. Bible study was awesome, and we had some great conversations, met with my leaders tonight to check in with them and see where theyre at, and oh man.. I have so much to get done, its not even funny. My list is about 14 pages long, but not on paper, no way! lol..its all in my head, and thats a scary, scattered mess! No wonder I forget to do so many things, I really should get better organized. Gata is playing with my windchime that Mike gave me for my birthday, lol.. she's such a brat sometimes. He told me to hang it outside, but the weather here is crazy.. so I hung it inside, but now I kind of feel like cheesy trailer trash, lol...who hangs wind chimes inside?! This one does, aparently. lol. I did a mask tonight, a little self pampering, but my back is killing me... Is it really pampering if you finish with more pain than you started? lol..well at least my nails are done, I got a mask done and whitened my teeth :) oh, and I cleaned my ring, it needed it badly. and now it sparkles :) Im starting to get sleepy... This has been a totally random freewrite! Hope you enjoyed the messed up, scattered, jumping around my mind.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Forgiveness, amends, letting go, moving on.
Well that sucks...lol, I just wrote a whole blog entry. Then tried to post it and it deleted it instead. This second go-around might not be as good, but everything happens for a reason right? Lets hope so...
So, the topic? Forgiveness, amends, letting go, and moving on.
Forgiveness...How do you forgive someone who took something from you that you can never get back? How do you tell them it's ok? How do you tell them that you excuse their actions when they have done something, said something, or took something? In one definition I found online, it says that forgiveness is to renounce anger or resentment. Hmm... That sounds like it has more to do with me than the other person... How do you renounce anger or resentment? I am angry at the kid who rear ended us and changed my life forever. I resent the people who bruitally raped me and took something I can never get back. I am angry that my son didnt get to live, and I resent the women who dont want their children and get to have them anyway. Like the lady who would come into work almost every day and get a 4 shot mocha, then sit outside and chain smoke. I resent her, because she got to have a baby. Not fair. But lets look at the other side of these situations.... Maybe, the kid who rear ended us had just gotten some bad news, maybe he only took his eyes off the road for a second. God knows I have done that many times, and almost crashed, but didnt... God knew I would bounce back from a bruital rape, now I am NOT saying God intended me to be raped, or that He allowed it. But he did know that I could "handle" it. He knew that I would use it for good later on, he knew I would help other women get through that same thing... God knew I wasnt ready for a baby. I cant imagine what my life would be like if I had a two year old running around... And, lets think about the caffine drinking, chain smoking lady... Maybe her baby was stillborn, and she was given the ok to smoke and drink because the baby was already dead? Sad thought, but I shouldnt judge her... God has forgiven me of so much! So many worse things than these.... I think I can learn to let go of my anger and resentment... Afterall, it doesnt effect the other people... it effects me. It effects my moods, and my healing process. I guess theres a lot to it, but thats just a bit. I dont have the right to judge people, and I certainly dont know what theyre going through. Why be angry with someone? It says in the bible, dont let the sun go down on your anger... But how many times have I gone to bed hating the kid who hit us? How many hundreds of days have I resented, and been angry? Kinda makes me think...gut check.
Amends... Ah yess, those fun things... lol. Well, I will say they're not as hard as they used to be.. Well some of them anyway. I gave an amend just yesterday. It was a big one, and it was time consuming and sucked the energy right out of me. I needed to do it though. In Matthew 5 it talks about if you are standing at the alter and realize someone has something against you, leave the alter and go and be reconciled to that person, then return to offer your sacrifice. How true does that statement ring? Very, for me... Wow, how many times have I been at the alter offering my heart as a "sacrifice" to God, and still known that there were people out there who had something against me? Probably more than I can count. Not to say that they will always accept my amend, because often times people dont. People dont always react the way we want them to.. Its hard enough to go to someone admit that I made a mistake and apologize for it. How embarrassing, how humbling! Knowing that I screwed up..lol, you mean I'm not perfect?!?! Jk, jk...lol. Its hard to admit I was wrong, but I do it for me, not for them. I do it so I can sleep at night. How much better would the world be if everyone apologized when they realized they had made a mistake?! What a mind boggling thought. Of course that is just never gonna happen, but a girl can dream can't she? lol... One person at a time.. Making amends is important to my sobriety and mental health in general. If I dont make amends for something stupid I did, then I sit annoyed with myself, trying to ignore my idiocy...the only problem is that no matter where I go, there I am... huh. Interesting thought...lol. Wherever I go, there I am... The only way for me to get rid of that idiodic move I made is to present it to the person it was agains and ask forgiveness...hmm, interesting concept.. Like I said earlier, people dont always accept the apology, but I dont do it for them... I do it for me.
Letting go...hmmm, lol. Letting go means truly trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will... Well, thats a big bite to chew on. You mean I actually have to TRUST God? Wholeheartedly?! I mean I trust God with most things... I trust him with keeping me safe, and providing for my needs (most of the time)... But things like my future, my relationships.. Those are too big of things for me to let go of. Theyre too much for me to let God handle alone.... did I just say that?! lol... Like God can't handle it? Like he's not bigger than the universe. Like he's not so big that we as humans cant even comprehend? Lol...God cant handle it, thats funny. But if I let go that means I cant control it anymore... Yeah. That means that as soon as I let go, God can pick it up... He can work miracles, He can do anything... He is God afterall..lol. Letting go of the hurt that person caused me. Letting go of the anger in my heart. Letting go of the resentments I hold on to... Hmm, those are heavy bags.. Maybe if I let go and let God carry them for a while I will be more rested, more free to run, have more energy and not have to worry about all that stuff... I just got a really cool picture... ok, So me and God are walking up a mountain. I am carrying like 12 bags, big ones! I have 2 in each hand, one on each shoulder, I have fashioned a belt with rope to hold bags around my waist, I am even balancing one on my head! Not to mention the rope I have around my neck that leads back to a sled I am pulling... and on the sled guess what! There are more bags, piled high, barely balancing... All the while, God is walking next to me free hands, and saying "Mindy. Can I take some of that? Can I carry some of it for a while? You look tired, here, let me help. Thats a lot of stuff you're holding on to..." My response is "No, its ok..I got it. I don't want to burden you with all my crap. All these bags are mine, and I can carry them." After going on like this for a while, I become so tired that I finally say to God "Ok, you can have some of it." I hand it over and He doesnt even struggle with it. He is so strong that ALL of the bags I was struggling with, he carries with ease.. And I am so much lighter. I can run and jump and skip up the mountain. All the while God is there with me, bearing the load with ease. Not only is he carrying everything, the freedom for me is incredible, and He is also looking ahead. Saying "Watch out for that rock." and "Don't get to close to the edge." What a cool picture of letting go huh? He is there with us and He can handle it :) So why not let go? Why not give it all to God and let Him carry it? Afterall, He is God...
Moving on... heh, pun :-D lol... Ok, so what do I do now that I have forgiven, made the amend, and let go? Move on! Dwelling on the past is no bueno! Where is it going to get me? I was recently told that God would be closing a chapter in my life. That it would be time to start a new chapter and that would bring new blessings, new provision. I didnt really know what that meant until yesterday. But I get it now. I have the clarification. Move on with life, whats done is done. Its in the past. Its time to move forward, into the "inheritance" God has. Its time to let go of the past, and walk through the door of mercy, grace and forgiveness, and into Gods loving arms. He has promised to prosper us as His children. He never said times would be easy, so often I get mad and ask God why things happen. Why did you do this God? Why did you let this happen? But He never once promised us that life would be easy, in fact He said it would be hard. He said that they persecuted him, therefore they would persecute us. How true do these things ring today? So very true! But, in the end, He DOES make all things work together for my good, and your good. We are his children, His beloved. He wants nothing more than to be in perfect fellowship with us. He wants us to forgive our fellow, amend the ones we have wronged, let go of our baggage, and move on into His plan and will for our lives... I don't know about you, but I am sure going to give it one hell of a shot. Lol... Yeah, I said it.
Well, this one is definitely longer than the first one I wrote... I guess things do happen for a reason... Well, perhapse some of this blog was cliche, but whatever... it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Its now 12:08 am, and I am going to bed! Bon nuit :)
So, the topic? Forgiveness, amends, letting go, and moving on.
Forgiveness...How do you forgive someone who took something from you that you can never get back? How do you tell them it's ok? How do you tell them that you excuse their actions when they have done something, said something, or took something? In one definition I found online, it says that forgiveness is to renounce anger or resentment. Hmm... That sounds like it has more to do with me than the other person... How do you renounce anger or resentment? I am angry at the kid who rear ended us and changed my life forever. I resent the people who bruitally raped me and took something I can never get back. I am angry that my son didnt get to live, and I resent the women who dont want their children and get to have them anyway. Like the lady who would come into work almost every day and get a 4 shot mocha, then sit outside and chain smoke. I resent her, because she got to have a baby. Not fair. But lets look at the other side of these situations.... Maybe, the kid who rear ended us had just gotten some bad news, maybe he only took his eyes off the road for a second. God knows I have done that many times, and almost crashed, but didnt... God knew I would bounce back from a bruital rape, now I am NOT saying God intended me to be raped, or that He allowed it. But he did know that I could "handle" it. He knew that I would use it for good later on, he knew I would help other women get through that same thing... God knew I wasnt ready for a baby. I cant imagine what my life would be like if I had a two year old running around... And, lets think about the caffine drinking, chain smoking lady... Maybe her baby was stillborn, and she was given the ok to smoke and drink because the baby was already dead? Sad thought, but I shouldnt judge her... God has forgiven me of so much! So many worse things than these.... I think I can learn to let go of my anger and resentment... Afterall, it doesnt effect the other people... it effects me. It effects my moods, and my healing process. I guess theres a lot to it, but thats just a bit. I dont have the right to judge people, and I certainly dont know what theyre going through. Why be angry with someone? It says in the bible, dont let the sun go down on your anger... But how many times have I gone to bed hating the kid who hit us? How many hundreds of days have I resented, and been angry? Kinda makes me think...gut check.
Amends... Ah yess, those fun things... lol. Well, I will say they're not as hard as they used to be.. Well some of them anyway. I gave an amend just yesterday. It was a big one, and it was time consuming and sucked the energy right out of me. I needed to do it though. In Matthew 5 it talks about if you are standing at the alter and realize someone has something against you, leave the alter and go and be reconciled to that person, then return to offer your sacrifice. How true does that statement ring? Very, for me... Wow, how many times have I been at the alter offering my heart as a "sacrifice" to God, and still known that there were people out there who had something against me? Probably more than I can count. Not to say that they will always accept my amend, because often times people dont. People dont always react the way we want them to.. Its hard enough to go to someone admit that I made a mistake and apologize for it. How embarrassing, how humbling! Knowing that I screwed up..lol, you mean I'm not perfect?!?! Jk, jk...lol. Its hard to admit I was wrong, but I do it for me, not for them. I do it so I can sleep at night. How much better would the world be if everyone apologized when they realized they had made a mistake?! What a mind boggling thought. Of course that is just never gonna happen, but a girl can dream can't she? lol... One person at a time.. Making amends is important to my sobriety and mental health in general. If I dont make amends for something stupid I did, then I sit annoyed with myself, trying to ignore my idiocy...the only problem is that no matter where I go, there I am... huh. Interesting thought...lol. Wherever I go, there I am... The only way for me to get rid of that idiodic move I made is to present it to the person it was agains and ask forgiveness...hmm, interesting concept.. Like I said earlier, people dont always accept the apology, but I dont do it for them... I do it for me.
Letting go...hmmm, lol. Letting go means truly trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will... Well, thats a big bite to chew on. You mean I actually have to TRUST God? Wholeheartedly?! I mean I trust God with most things... I trust him with keeping me safe, and providing for my needs (most of the time)... But things like my future, my relationships.. Those are too big of things for me to let go of. Theyre too much for me to let God handle alone.... did I just say that?! lol... Like God can't handle it? Like he's not bigger than the universe. Like he's not so big that we as humans cant even comprehend? Lol...God cant handle it, thats funny. But if I let go that means I cant control it anymore... Yeah. That means that as soon as I let go, God can pick it up... He can work miracles, He can do anything... He is God afterall..lol. Letting go of the hurt that person caused me. Letting go of the anger in my heart. Letting go of the resentments I hold on to... Hmm, those are heavy bags.. Maybe if I let go and let God carry them for a while I will be more rested, more free to run, have more energy and not have to worry about all that stuff... I just got a really cool picture... ok, So me and God are walking up a mountain. I am carrying like 12 bags, big ones! I have 2 in each hand, one on each shoulder, I have fashioned a belt with rope to hold bags around my waist, I am even balancing one on my head! Not to mention the rope I have around my neck that leads back to a sled I am pulling... and on the sled guess what! There are more bags, piled high, barely balancing... All the while, God is walking next to me free hands, and saying "Mindy. Can I take some of that? Can I carry some of it for a while? You look tired, here, let me help. Thats a lot of stuff you're holding on to..." My response is "No, its ok..I got it. I don't want to burden you with all my crap. All these bags are mine, and I can carry them." After going on like this for a while, I become so tired that I finally say to God "Ok, you can have some of it." I hand it over and He doesnt even struggle with it. He is so strong that ALL of the bags I was struggling with, he carries with ease.. And I am so much lighter. I can run and jump and skip up the mountain. All the while God is there with me, bearing the load with ease. Not only is he carrying everything, the freedom for me is incredible, and He is also looking ahead. Saying "Watch out for that rock." and "Don't get to close to the edge." What a cool picture of letting go huh? He is there with us and He can handle it :) So why not let go? Why not give it all to God and let Him carry it? Afterall, He is God...
Moving on... heh, pun :-D lol... Ok, so what do I do now that I have forgiven, made the amend, and let go? Move on! Dwelling on the past is no bueno! Where is it going to get me? I was recently told that God would be closing a chapter in my life. That it would be time to start a new chapter and that would bring new blessings, new provision. I didnt really know what that meant until yesterday. But I get it now. I have the clarification. Move on with life, whats done is done. Its in the past. Its time to move forward, into the "inheritance" God has. Its time to let go of the past, and walk through the door of mercy, grace and forgiveness, and into Gods loving arms. He has promised to prosper us as His children. He never said times would be easy, so often I get mad and ask God why things happen. Why did you do this God? Why did you let this happen? But He never once promised us that life would be easy, in fact He said it would be hard. He said that they persecuted him, therefore they would persecute us. How true do these things ring today? So very true! But, in the end, He DOES make all things work together for my good, and your good. We are his children, His beloved. He wants nothing more than to be in perfect fellowship with us. He wants us to forgive our fellow, amend the ones we have wronged, let go of our baggage, and move on into His plan and will for our lives... I don't know about you, but I am sure going to give it one hell of a shot. Lol... Yeah, I said it.
Well, this one is definitely longer than the first one I wrote... I guess things do happen for a reason... Well, perhapse some of this blog was cliche, but whatever... it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Its now 12:08 am, and I am going to bed! Bon nuit :)
Friday, April 8, 2011
Just some stuff...
Well, today is a Friday just like any other. It somehow feels different to me. Slower. Maybe partially because the sunshine is FINALLY showing its face! I seriously cant wait for summer to arrive, I am ready for hot temperatures and shorts and FLOPS!!! Maybe a pedi would be a good idea first lol. Anyway, its been a while since I have written, only since the 27th, but it feels like its been a long time. My cat is sitting on the floor right now, basking in the sunshine, and being his typical "guy" self :). Lets see...The Life on the vine retreat that Coryann and I went to was amazing. Of course when you go to something amazing like that where God really moves, the enemy gets scared and attacks. Thankfully, we have the best combat weapon known to the spiritual realm....prayer, and Jesus' name :) cause God is bigger than any of those idiots trying to trip us up. I didnt go to bible study on Tuesday, nor was I at the Forge last night. I kind of felt like I skipped out, but for good reason. Tuesday, I met with a friend for tea, and we had a much needed deep discussion. Thursday, er...last night, I needed to be there for a friend in need. And, in turn God blessed us with a wonderful evening. As the tears turned to laughter, and the sorrows turned to joy. Last night was fun, food for the soul...and a LOT of food for the belly too, lol. Well, aside from all of that, math class is going ok. We are starting to get into some things I am not fully understanding, which is scary because I have never been very good at math. I am trying my hardest, and have managed to form a study group. That should help. Lets see...what else? Work is good, God is providing for me as He promised he would. And, right now the future is up in the air, as it should be :) God has been doing some amazing things in my heart, and some major changes, may be to come in my life. I am ready for whatever the outcome. I just know that whatever happens will probably not be very easy, but I am determined to remain in Gods will. I know that the things to come may be a shock to some, not hurtful, just somewhat shocking...and, I am certain, most wont understand....but I have to do what I feel God is calling me to. Now, this is of course IF it plays out the way I have imagined (which usually never happens) so why am I even worried about it? Good question. To that, I dont have an answer... I guess I will just wait and see what God does. And, nothing may change.. I may continue to live my life one day at a time, with God by my side (He will be by my side either way, lol) anyway, thats enough cryptic-ness in one blog, lol. On to the next subject, the bible :) I have been reading the book of Hosea (as per request from a dear friend), and I am enjoying it thoroughly. If you have never read it, it is a beautiful picture of Gods wrath, but then His forgiveness, mercy and grace.. I think it shows beautifully how much God cares about us and wants to be with us as his children. Not to jump around, but I am also reading a book written by Karen Kingsbury titled: A thousand tomorrows. What a great book so far!! I can hardly put it down, thanks gramma ;) well, I know this isnt my typically beautiful blog... but it is a blog nonetheless :) more of a practical "this is whats happening in my life right now" kind of blog..lol, well, I hope you all have a great day!
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