2am feeding

Ha...I'm a mom now :) I knew I would love motherhood, and its pretty much what I expected except way better! I am loving every moment of time with this little man God has blessed me with. I sit and stare at him sometimes, thinking about how one single cell turned into a living, breathing human baby boy. With 10 perfect fingers, and 10 perfect toes. I must say, I LOVE his toes!!! They are so cute :) He is the light of my life, and I love every minute of time while he is little. I love every snuggle, and cuddle, and when he pee's on me or poops on me, I just laugh. Because, he sits there with this innocent little look on his face like as if to say "What? Did I do that?" lol... I think God had to make mom's be so in love with their children from day 1...otherwise. no one would ever reproduce, or we would then not take care of them... Motherhood is an incredible experience. Eventhough I am doing it as a single parent, which makes it harder...I am so in love and already I don't know how I ever lived without this little man. I love that he is so cuddly and snuggly. God gave me the perfect baby boy :) anyway, enough bragging on him...for a minute ;)

2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.

God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3

"My grace truly is enough..."

The room was quiet, empty. She was alone as she thought about everything that had aspired. As the shame and guilt began to wash over her, she dropped her head and began to speak...

"God, I dont know what to do. I have tried so many times to change this behavior....I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't break this habit. I know I need to change. Everytime I fail. I try so hard, but I fail so often. When will you step down and help me? When will I get a grip on this problem? I know that I am hurting myself and the ones I love, but I can't stop. It's not healthy for me to act this way. I know your grace is enough, but how many times will I mess up before you stop loving me? How many times will I fail before you retract your grace? How many times do I need to fail before I get it right? I am such a failure. I wish I could get it right. Everytime I mess up, I tell you I wont do it again. Before I know it, I am back here again. I need something to change. This is no way to live. The secret I bear is fearfully large. I can't share it with anyone. The lonliness, the isolation is unbearable at times. I know I could change this, do I just not want it bad enough? Do I just need to give up? Stop trying? How can I change when I know I will fail again? This pattern has been too much to bear. I don't deserve to be forgiven again by you. I don't deserve to be shown grace and mercy. How much grace can one God have? How many times can I fail before you cut me off from your grace? How many times can I fail and be redeemed? I try so hard. I just dont know if I can do this anymore. The battle is becoming too difficult to fight. I have needed you, but I have not found you. Will you show me how to do the right thing? I know I can't have that many chances left. Especially since I have been forgiven already, so many times. I know all I have to do is ask for your grace, and mercy. I know I just need to ask you to forgive me, but how can I do that when I know I will fail again. That would mean I am not really, truly sorry. That would mean my repentance is not true, because they said in church that repentance, is turning around and running the other direction. I dont think I can do this anymore. God, are you listening? Are you there? Can you help me? Am I just beyond help?"

She sat there with her head down, out of breath from the words she spoke. He replied...

"My dear, precious child. I have always loved you. I always will. I said in my word to you forgive not once, but 7X70 times. My grace is truly enough for you. Thats why its called grace. You can't earn it, you can't buy it. I give it freely because I love you. I will forgive you more times than you can count. I love you, this is why I gave my life for you. It does hurt me to see you this way. I want to see your heart broken for what breaks mine. Your heart, I gave you a tender heart. I have forgiven you everytime you asked. You're right, all you have to do is ask. Every time it will get easier, I am right by your side. I will never leave you. It doesn't matter to me how many times you fail. Just keep trying. I know the road you have walked, I know the pain you have felt, I know the temptation you have endured. This life is not everything I had intended for you. I have so much more for you. I am just waiting patiently for you to have the desire to have it. I am here. I fight for you when you cannot fight. I carry you when you cannot walk. I watch over you when you cannot keep watch yourself. Never do I sleep, never do I break from your side. You are my beautiful creation, my beautiful daughter. I love you, and I hope that you know my grace truly is enough."

A blessing and a storm

She sat in the chair. The music was loud, in her belly she could feel the kicks and flutters. She wasnt sure if the baby was unhappy, or enjoying the music. She did know his hearing had developed, so he could hear the music. She wondered what life would be like in a few short months. She was overwhelmed, tired. The pregnancy had been a journey so far. She was enjoying every moment of becoming a mother, but she also was scared to do this alone. She sat and reflected on the last 7 months. She thought of the people who supported her, the people who disowned her, and the lonliness she felt through it all. She thought of the blessing she carried in her belly, and how excited she was that she would finally pass into motherhood. She also thought of the reality that she would be raising this baby alone, how scary a thought. She began to weep as she thought of the overwhelming responisibility that faced her in just a few months. She was scared. She was tired of doing life alone. She wanted so badly to share this experience with someone who would be there for her, to support her, to love and cherish her. She thought about how life hadnt turned out the way she had hoped. From the time she was a little girl she had dreamed that she would one day get married, then have children. She never expected that she would be doing it backwards, she never thought she would be a single mom. She was tired of walking this life alone, but she also knew that she would not settle for a man again. She would never rush into a marriage again. She had grown a backbone, and was not willing to settle. Not willing to be with someone, just to be with someone. She needed to know him thoroughly before she could enter into a marriage again. Now things just seemed so much more complicated. She felt like now that she was going to have a baby, no man would want her. Not the good ones anyway. What was wrong with her? She owned her home, was successful in her career, was tall, blonde, and from what people always said, beautiful. So why was she still single? Why did life not turn out the way she had dreamed of? Why couldn't they see that she was independent, yet weak to the point of needing a life partner? She felt like she didnt really matter, like people cared but not enough to make it a point to be a part of her life. She knew she was being selfish, but so what. She wanted the whole dream life. She was tired of doing it alone, and she was tired of spending nights alone. She had to learn how to be a person again after her failed marriage. It took a long time, a lot of healing, and she still felt so broken.
She leaned forward in her chair, her nose was dripping and tears were streaming steadily down her face. She didnt want anyone to see her crying. She didnt want anyone to come ask her what was wrong, and she was so thankful for the dim lighting in the church building. She was so thankful that the band was playing loud enough to cover the soft sobbing coming from her heart. She wiped the tears away from her eyes and thought of the people she loved in her life. She thought of how supportive some people were, and how others had banished her from their lives. She felt like they blamed her, judged her. She wished they understood that she didnt get pregnant on purpose, she didnt get pregnant to hurt them, but that this was such a blessing. This was Gods timing for her. Maybe it wasnt the best timing, and maybe it was done in sin, but God still blessed her with a baby. Which was something she had needed for a long time. She tried to be sensetive to people who could not have a baby, the people who wanted children, were trying, and were not being successful. She knew how much it hurt, because she, too had felt that pain before. She knew not only the deep desire to have children, but also the pain of miscarriage. She knew what it was like to hate other people for sharing their happy news. She had been jealous of people who had babies, for a long time her heart ached to have a baby. To be a mother, for a long time, its all she wanted. She thought of the one she lost. She thought of how difficult it had been. She thought of the kind of child he would have been. As tears ran down her face, she thought of how she was so blessed that this baby was alive and kicking inside her, how she was so excited, but also could not fully enjoy the time because she knew that her having a baby was hurting other people. She thought about how there was nothing she could do about it, and her heart went out to those people. She wished her friends would not have become so upset with her. She wished they had not said some of the hurtful things they did, but she also knew that they only said hurtful things to her because they were hurt by the fact that she was having a baby and they were not. She knew that there was a reason people stopped talking to her....at least some of them. She understood their frustration with her, their anger at God, and the unending questions of 'why not me?' She truly felt bad that she was enjoying her blessing, when she knew other poeple were still in anguish about their circumstances.
She adjusted in the hard plastic chair, sitting had become slightly uncomfortable for her at this stage in her pregnancy. Then again, standing, laying, and any other position had become uncomfortable as well. The tears didnt stop coming, she wondered what people thought of her. She wondered if people thought she was just a cry baby because thats all she seemed to do here. This place, though she didnt connect with many of the people, she could feel Gods presence, and she knew that He was there with her. She continued to cry as she drifted back into the deep thoughts of her pregnancy, people, and the circumstances in general. She thought of how she had felt just prior to becoming pregnant. She thought of how the year before she had been celebate. She had done everything right, in her eyes, she was on the right track. She was involved in church, she was celebate, clean and sober, she had a good job, led a bible study, read her bible, she was on the right track. She couldnt understand why in the midst of this, she was so attacked by lonliness. She was so attacked in her disease. She remembered feeling like God didnt care anymore. She remembered feeling that He was there, blessing everyone around her, but she was still stuck in the same place. As hindsight is 20/20, she had since realized she was working for his approval. Just like she had been taught to do, to be a good girl and not make waves. She rememberd feeling like she was doing everything right, and God was just throwing blessings to other people but He kept passing her up. She felt like God had forgotten about her, or just wasnt paying attention. She remembered feeling like she was barely hanging on by a thread. How she felt like she was in a boxing ring, and the devil was throwing punch after punch. She was on the ground, bleeding and bruised. She had felt this way for a while before she slipped up and started sleeping with her boyfriend. She felt like had been slipping, because if she was doing everything right and still not being blessed, then what was it all for? Once she became pregnant, she felt as though God had stepped into the ring with her, put his foot down, and said 'enough.' She felt like becoming pregnant was Gods way of saying, 'I havent forgotten about you, I still love you even in the midst of your sin.' From that experience, she knew that God loved her. As she sat in the hard plastic chair, she still felt as though she was in a phase of her life which required intense repair of her soul, but she hadnt the strength to seek it out. She hadnt the fight left in her to get up and keep going, for the last 7 months, God was carrying her along because she didnt have the strength to walk on her own. She was weary, and she knew God was teaching her that she didnt have to do everything right in order to be blessed by him. He wanted all of her, not just the 'perfect' parts of her. He wanted to be right in the middle of her messy life. He knew that she could not fully trust him unless she was falling apart at the seams. So, he gave her a baby. She gently rubbed her belly as she thought of this. She thought to herself how special it was for her that she was finally having a baby. How eventhough she had to do this alone, she was ready. She did not want to be a single mother, but she was clearly not being sought after. Therefore, she was incredibly frustrated with her situation, but somehow she knew it was all ok in the end.
She sat back in her chair as the song changed over. She recognized it right away. The words were ever piercing her heart. This was Gods love song to her, the tears that had dried up began to flow again as the words pierced her thoughts. The band began to sing "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy....When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...and, oh how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so..." This was their song, her and God. She sat there and soaked in the words, she couldnt sing because she was sobbing. She felt as though people thought she was stuck up, or had not a strong walk with God, but she didnt care. She was fine with them thinking what they would. She just knew that she was spending a sweet moment with her creator. He was healing her heart one day at a time, one moment at a time. She continued to soak in the sweet melodies of the song, as she held her belly, thinking of how blessed she was to be given such a precious gift. Thinking of all the people who supported her, who were hurt by her blessing, and how much God must have loved her to give her such a big responsibility. She just wished she had someone to share it with, but she was ready for the challenge either way.

What aches my bacon?

So..it has been a while since I have blogged. Feels like there is so much going on that I just don't get the chance. Either way, I thought I would do a fun one :) Want to know what aches my bacon? If you have no idea what that means, good. It's a Mindy origional phrase! In other words, what frustrates me, or to be more literal, what is a pain in my butt through the typical day. Anyway, before we get to that a little catch up is in order. I'm 27 weeks pregnant now, in other words my baby boy will be here in 13 weeks! OMG... I am freaking out, completely. On the other hand, I am super excited...and I cant wait to see his little face and give him kisses <3 His room is still in the process, but getting finished slowly. Baby showers in the planning, and I am starting to get tired again. Welcome to the third trimester right? Anyway, my house is good, work is great..just trying to adjust to the new position which is proving to be easier than I thought, and I LOVE that my days are going so quick because there is so much to do. It's good times :) So..on to the topic shall we?

I hate it when people tailgate me on the freeway with their bright lights on. Do they not know that is super rude? And, don't even get me started on people driving slow in the fast lane on the freeway.........
Pull out in front of me then drive 10 mph slower than what I was going? Just wait until I go by, then you can drive as slow as you want. On the other hand, I hate it when people tailgate me when I go the speed limit, afterall I am not in the mood to speed all the time ;)

I don't like not having the right information at work. I clarify a lot, inquiring minds want to know. Let me not even get started on customers calling in to port a number without any information. Follow directions....its not that difficult to do :) And, if you don't pay your bill, please don't escalate to me because your phone is suspended...pay the money and we will gladly turn your phone back on. Just sayin ;)

Text me a message? I'll respond, I'm pretty good about that, unless theres some reason I am not able to or I flat out forget. Start a convo with me, please finish it. It really bugs me to be in the middle of a convo that just drops off, I promise to always let you know if I gotta go do something else, or if its too late for me and I'm going to bed. Unless I just fall asleep, in which case, it should be expected for texting me so late.. But, I will always get back to you in the morning....if I remember ;) but no, I am not hypocritical or anything lol...Oh, and if you are flat out ignoring me, spare me the curiosity...just tell me, I may be a bit butthurt but at least I will know, and can move on :)

Men...lol, here is a topic for fun..ha. I don't like games, like me? Tell me, chances are I probably like you too. If not, be prepared for me to slap it in your face and call you a creeper...jk! I kid, kid.. I try to let people down easy. If I say I don't like you, please just get over me and, wait for it...MOVE ON!!! I know, I know...blunt, but from what I hear...it works. If you're a guy and I like you, you probably know it by now...maybe you need clarification, maybe I have already shown some interest and you pretty much get it...if thats the case, DON'T LEAD ME ON. It's just not very nice. Scared? Imagine how I feel...I am in a place in my life where I am looking for the real deal, not just a fling. I am having this kid in approximately 3 months and I need a partner, someone who is going to commit, if thats not you...please don't pretend it could be. Just let me down easy and find someone else to play games with...afterall, the kid's dad is a game player and I'm OVER it :) Just sayin....not to say I am the best communicator in the world, cause frankly I kinda suck at it.. but I give it my best shot. Anyway, this blog isn't just about guys, sorry dude ;)

Side note: Both my cats are sleeping on the back of the couch right now, and its super cute :)

I am an open book, for the most part. Want to know something? Just ask..I don't bite, and I will let you know if I am not comfortable with your topic of choice or question... Want to know about baby's father, ask me. In fact, let me just clear that one up right now. I don't blame him, I am not still hurt over the situation, I am a strong woman and I know I will be ok. Yes, he got me pregnant then walked out. You want to call him a jerk, fine. Don't expect me to, I believe that he has other issues as to why he wanted nothing to do with his child. Am I going for child support? Probably not, don't judge me. I am tired of people telling me what I "should" do...don't should on me. Didn't understand that last little phrase? Say it out loud, it will click. lol. Frankly, the decisions I make in going for child support, or what relationship I end up having with the childs father, is mine to make. You want to ask questions, go for it. I will be honest with you. But, don't try to tell me what to do. On another note, I am over him. Completely, I am looking toward the future. I am looking at life in the aspect of me and my son and one very lucky guy who will get to be a part, looking back is not in the plan or picture. I am not dwelling on the past, Camden's father made a choice, there's nothing I can do to change that. Cam doesn't belong to him at all. God gave Cam to me, had baby's father wanted to be a part I of course would have been happy to have him, but he didn't. Therefore, he misses out and some other very lucky guy will get to help raise Cam as his own. Anyway, I hope that clarifies a bit for people...like I said, curious? Just ask. You won't be bringing up a sore subject. I promise :)

Other pet peeves...
Slow internet, I am not a patient person.
Long lines when I walk into Starbucks, or any fast food place or restaraunt...I go there for convenience, and again..I am not a patient person.
Football...lol, or sports in general.. Occassionally like to watch a game here or there, but when people place it above me, it really aches my bacon.
Dishes and laundry...I JUST got all that crap clean and put away, now its dirty again. lol...
Taking the garbage out...it's just a trashy job..hee hee ;)
Being too hot or too cold, not a fun way to be...especially if I can't do anything about it.

Ok..this is not a pet peeve, but more of a do and die kind of thing. Come in to my house and disrespect me, my baby (when he comes), or either of my animals and you can consider us no longer friends...Stuff is stuff, but abuse or being mean to my animals is not ok. Have a problem with cats? Let me know ahead of time, I will put them in the back room so you don't have to see them...

So...let me just say, that this stuff is not necessarily based off anything that has or hasn't happened, Im just throwing it all out there for fun. Like, I haven't ever had someone be mean to my cats :) Its just one of those things to throw on the list :) I hope you have enjoyed this slightly sarcastic, fun blog. Be safe out there!

So little time

I can't concentrate. I feel like I haven't been able to put out any good writings since I got pregnant....Baby boy is sucking my brain cells away I think.lol... either way, then there's all the emotions which makes me really want to blog it out, but its more of a big ball of emotional mess... therefore, I haven't written anything in what feels like forever, and what I did write was just all depressing and corupt. I feel so overwhelmed right now, there is only 17 weeks left until baby boy is born..it feels like my pregnancy is flying by, and my belly is growing everyday makes it much more real. It's exciting, but also scary. I don't know how I am going to support a baby as well. God is already providing though, I got a promotion at work which is wonderful, at this point, unless God miraculously provides a large sum of money very soon I will only be able to take a 2-3 week maternity leave. I really want to stay home for the full 12 weeks, but this is where it comes down to necessity versus want. Most people would tell me that it's what I get for getting pregnant outside of marriage, or a relationship even. Of courese, I was in a relationship when this happened. I can't help it that he is leaving and doesn't want anything to do with me or his son. I know that God will take care of me and baby boy, and I know that being a single mom is not an easy thing to do, and that this is the "consequence" of my actions, but I think no matter what the circumstances, that mother and baby need that 12 weeks at least to bond and just be together....It saddens my heart that I may not get that full time with my precious baby boy. Don't get me wrong here, I am not complaining, nor am I trying to have a pity party. Just stating my feelings,..this is how I process. How I get through another day, and keep moving forward, by getting it all off my chest. If you don't like it... there's no need for you to continue reading. Just saying... I say that disclaimer, because it seems not everyone understands why I blog. Anyway, enough about that. I had another ultrasound. It was precious, baby boy is still head down. He is getting more precious every day, yesterday he had the hiccups almost all day lol. It made me smile :) I am getting more and more excited everyday to meet my baby boy. I know that God has a call on his life, even at this point. He is going to be a huge light in my world <3 I am already so in love with my child. On a different note, I really can't wait until he comes out so I can have sushi lol. Aside from all that, Christmas shopping is all done, gifts are wrapped, my house is clean, and life is overall good. I know that I have a lot of reasons to be mad or upset at the world, but life is generally good. I love my job, I own my house, I have a loving and supportive family, and I am being blessed with the best gift any woman could ever receive. Its just a matter of remembering the good things in life outweigh the bad, and knowing that eventhough I have to do this alone. That God will provide, therefore, I guess I'm not really alone afterall. Such is life. People don't always understand why I say that about things such as my childs father walking out. Well, the way I see it is that he and I weren't meant to be together, and God will bring someone into my life who will be better for me. He will bring someone into my, and my sons life who will love and care for us both. Someone who will treat us right, someone who will be pivotal in the generations. Someone who my son will love as a father, and someone I will be passionate about and give my whole heart to. At this point, its just a matter of waiting for that someone... in the mean time, I will continue to blog my sadness, frustration, love, happiness, joy, grief, and all my other emotions. I will continue to wait, and enjoy this time that God has provided for me and my baby boy. I will enjoy my career, and my cats :) I suppose thats all for now. Blessings.

.......nameless

This isnt how it was supposed to be. Alone. Afraid. Awaiting a prince who may never come. Carrying the child of a man who wants nothing to do with it. Disconnected from a loving God who does care. 'Friends' who dont really care. People who say they care but dont. No one reaches out. The energy is gone. There is no chemistry anymore. Judgements come from all angles. Life is sad. Hopeless. Strength has left. Rapid cycling with no way to ease the symptoms. Winter is difficult. Depression strikes half the world, the northern half. Connection is needed. So desperately desiring to be connected. There has to be someone who needs the same. In a season of thankfulness and joy, life is bittersweet. There has to be some way to stop this madness. There is no joy in the joyfulness of life. Mornings are better. Keep pushing through. Just go to bed and life will look better in the morning. It rarely does. Home is lonely. At least there are people at work. One more day. Then it will be the weekend. This feeling is terrible. Its not how life was supposed to turn out. Planning never worked out. Go with the flow. Easier said than done. One day at at time. This too shall pass. Cliche. Such is life...

Reflections

She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.