Happy new year! It has been going around today. The new year will hopefully be a blessing to all who are here. I think it is ironic and somewhat funny how everyone asks what the new years resolutions will be. Well, mine are fairly simple. Be a better mom, get my back pain taken care of, lose weight, get more active, continue working on my degree. Simple.
Anyway, I think the holidays always interest me. One of my goals for the new year is to recycle more, come into a way of healthy and whole food eating. Clean eating as they call it. I made some delicious recipes tonight. I made coconut milk, which is actually very easy to make. I also made dairy free/soy free almond joy and mounds :) They're quite tasty if I do say so myself! I have also started making my own chicken stock. As well as my own beef stock. I hope to make fruit gummies for my son, and granola for breakfast. I'll just need to find some good recipes. Someday I would like to create a clean eating cookbook. I think it would be a lovely idea :)
Well, let's move on. I love this new town, however, I have lived my entire life in Portland, OR. Up until 6 months ago when I moved here. I love this town, but I am starting to find myself missing the people I left behind. Being that I am a very social person, I was bound to miss them all. I will say though, I do NOT miss the rain! Lol. Not in the least. I thoroughly enjoy dry days here. I find it difficult to believe that the snow here doesn't melt off, but we have had snow for over a month now. On the side streets and in parking lots. It seems to snow, but then it doesn't melt off. We don't get warm enough in the day for it to melt. I will be grateful when summer comes back around.
Despite my likes and dislikes of this new town, I figured something out. I am on an adventure. God told me before I left Portland, that he wanted to take me on an adventure. I can truthfully and honestly say, this has been the best adventure of my life! Though a lot of people, I feel, were hurt by my leaving. I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to a lot of my friends, but I wanted a quiet exit. I did not want to make a big deal about it. I hope that people who I hurt know that I still love them, and I miss them terribly. Anyway, there have been so many ups and downs here. I am loving every minute of it. I recently started painting my nails again. Something a friend of mine instilled in me. Dear sweet friend. She gifted me nail polish and told me to use it, to take time for myself. I heeded her advice almost a year after the fact :) But, I am finding myself again. I have been painting, I have been doing my nails, I have been growing out my hair, and I have been enjoying the sweet, tender moments life brings. I have met some incredible people, and I have had some intensive and healing conversations with people. I have learned to rely on others in my community, and I have learned to keep my mouth shut about certain things. Not everyone needs to know every detail of my life. Such as, I would like to thin I am growing as a person. I am becoming a new breed of Mindy. I am becoming a better mom. I have slowed down. Life here moves much slower than Portland life. There is peace and tranquility here for me. There is rarely traffic, if it is, it's like 3 cars lol. It is splendid. Just splendid. We live 2 blocks from the park, Camden loves to walk to the park. We do that often. Well, we did that often this summer. Winter is proving to be a bit more difficult. But, we are still getting our daily dose of vitamin D :) Life here is just a simpler life. I am finding peace in being Camden's mommy. I am finding love in all the right places for the first time in my life. Things are just good right now. I have a lot of things to be thankful for right now. Peace and joy are filling my soul.
Well, I suppose I could keep writing for a long time. However, I will let it be for now. I think I have said enough.
Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Joshua
He sat there. In his bedroom, alone on the bed. He thought of the horrible way she had treated him. How incredibly rude to withdraw her agreement to go on a date with him. After all, she was his best friend. He adored her. He thought that she adored him too. Apparently not. In that moment, he hated her.
He thought about his children, how much he loved them. He wanted so desperately to fight for custody of his children. His heart ached for his children. He wanted to be with them more than anything. He sat there in a daze. Thinking of all these things and more. The stress of his job, the rent payments. He thought of all the failures in his life up until that point. He began to feel the overwhelming urge to numb out that pain. He just wanted to escape one more time in to happiness. He just wanted one more high, then he would get serious about this sobriety thing. He would get his life figured out.
"Knock, knock, knock." He jumped as one of his roommates opened the door to ask if he wanted dinner. He politely declined. He shut the door and slumped back onto his bed. It was neatly made, and his bedroom spotless as could be. He slowly and cautiously pulled a shoebox from under his bed. He knew he would have just one last chance. If his roommates knew, he would surely be kicked out. He lifted the lid, his eyes lit up with delight and fear. He just wanted to get really high, one last time. He slowly pulled the 4 patches out. He tore them open and began placing them on his body. He had used much more than that in the past, so 4 patches should be just right to get him the high he wanted. He leaned back and relaxed while the patches took effect. He began to feel the effects of pure euphoria. He began to feel as if he were floating on a cloud. It was then, he remembered that he had bible study.
He shut his car door, and drove down the road. He arrived at his pastors home, and was welcomed inside. The pastor asked him several times if he was okay, he wondered if he could tell he was high. He continued to assure the pastor that he was alright. He moved to the couch and sat on the end. No need to be in between anybody. He sat there as the pastor prayed, and he waited for the study to begin. He began to get itchy from the narcotics running through his veins. The bible study was a blur, but it was over before he knew it. As he was ready to leave, the pastor asked if he could pray over him. He agreed, not wanting to look suspicious. He had a hard time focusing on the words the pastor spoke.
"Lord Jesus, we pray that you protect our brother Josh, no matter what he is going through. We pray that you would be with him and walk with him through this difficult time. We pray for protection and peace, In your name, Amen." He thanked him for the prayer and assured him again that he was alright. He was tired and needed to get home. So away he went.
He arrived home, and began to stumble a little as he walked in the front door and up to his bedroom. He ripped off his jacket and tossed it aside, then fell onto the bed. He laid there and drifted in and out of consciousness. He was half thinking, half dreaming. Pretty soon, he drifted off, with no return.
The next day, his roommate knocked on his door. There was no answer. He hollered inside
"Josh! Breakfast!" There was no answer, he poked his head in to find him laying there. Gone away. He tried to wake him, and frantically dialed 911. In all the commotion, the ambulance, police, and fire fighters came. There was nothing they could do. He had been gone too long. They carried him away, and sent officers to inform his family.
The knock on the door was unlike she had ever heard before. She got up, pain stricken through her body. She headed for the door, she could see the police standing on the other side, and wondered what happened. The door creaked as she pulled it open slowly. The officers faces were bland and ghostly. Their eyes filled with sadness, she knew something was coming. Something terrible.
"Ma'am, are you Josh's mother?" The tall skinny one asked.
"Yes, that is me." She replied as fear began to rise up in her.
"We regret to inform yo-"
"No. No. No." She faintly interrupted as fear and tears welled up inside her. She began to weep uncontrollably as the officer continued.
"We regret to inform you that your son was found dead this morning and 10:02 am. It appears he overdosed. Is there anyone we can contact for you?"
She just stood there. Weeping uncontrollably, in shock that this was happening. It couldn't be happening. It felt as though someone had cinched a large strap around her and were squeezing it. Tighter, and tighter. She couldn't breathe, her knees buckled down under her. She fell to the ground and was stricken with pain in her heart and her lungs. The pain of losing her son. It was unbearable. She couldn't take it. She didn't even believe these men.
"No, you have the wrong Josh. Not my baby, not my boy!" This can't be she thought. This just cant be.
From the other room, her husband heard the commotion, and came in. She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and barely squeaked out the words "Josh. Is. Dead."
He thought about his children, how much he loved them. He wanted so desperately to fight for custody of his children. His heart ached for his children. He wanted to be with them more than anything. He sat there in a daze. Thinking of all these things and more. The stress of his job, the rent payments. He thought of all the failures in his life up until that point. He began to feel the overwhelming urge to numb out that pain. He just wanted to escape one more time in to happiness. He just wanted one more high, then he would get serious about this sobriety thing. He would get his life figured out.
"Knock, knock, knock." He jumped as one of his roommates opened the door to ask if he wanted dinner. He politely declined. He shut the door and slumped back onto his bed. It was neatly made, and his bedroom spotless as could be. He slowly and cautiously pulled a shoebox from under his bed. He knew he would have just one last chance. If his roommates knew, he would surely be kicked out. He lifted the lid, his eyes lit up with delight and fear. He just wanted to get really high, one last time. He slowly pulled the 4 patches out. He tore them open and began placing them on his body. He had used much more than that in the past, so 4 patches should be just right to get him the high he wanted. He leaned back and relaxed while the patches took effect. He began to feel the effects of pure euphoria. He began to feel as if he were floating on a cloud. It was then, he remembered that he had bible study.
He shut his car door, and drove down the road. He arrived at his pastors home, and was welcomed inside. The pastor asked him several times if he was okay, he wondered if he could tell he was high. He continued to assure the pastor that he was alright. He moved to the couch and sat on the end. No need to be in between anybody. He sat there as the pastor prayed, and he waited for the study to begin. He began to get itchy from the narcotics running through his veins. The bible study was a blur, but it was over before he knew it. As he was ready to leave, the pastor asked if he could pray over him. He agreed, not wanting to look suspicious. He had a hard time focusing on the words the pastor spoke.
"Lord Jesus, we pray that you protect our brother Josh, no matter what he is going through. We pray that you would be with him and walk with him through this difficult time. We pray for protection and peace, In your name, Amen." He thanked him for the prayer and assured him again that he was alright. He was tired and needed to get home. So away he went.
He arrived home, and began to stumble a little as he walked in the front door and up to his bedroom. He ripped off his jacket and tossed it aside, then fell onto the bed. He laid there and drifted in and out of consciousness. He was half thinking, half dreaming. Pretty soon, he drifted off, with no return.
The next day, his roommate knocked on his door. There was no answer. He hollered inside
"Josh! Breakfast!" There was no answer, he poked his head in to find him laying there. Gone away. He tried to wake him, and frantically dialed 911. In all the commotion, the ambulance, police, and fire fighters came. There was nothing they could do. He had been gone too long. They carried him away, and sent officers to inform his family.
The knock on the door was unlike she had ever heard before. She got up, pain stricken through her body. She headed for the door, she could see the police standing on the other side, and wondered what happened. The door creaked as she pulled it open slowly. The officers faces were bland and ghostly. Their eyes filled with sadness, she knew something was coming. Something terrible.
"Ma'am, are you Josh's mother?" The tall skinny one asked.
"Yes, that is me." She replied as fear began to rise up in her.
"We regret to inform yo-"
"No. No. No." She faintly interrupted as fear and tears welled up inside her. She began to weep uncontrollably as the officer continued.
"We regret to inform you that your son was found dead this morning and 10:02 am. It appears he overdosed. Is there anyone we can contact for you?"
She just stood there. Weeping uncontrollably, in shock that this was happening. It couldn't be happening. It felt as though someone had cinched a large strap around her and were squeezing it. Tighter, and tighter. She couldn't breathe, her knees buckled down under her. She fell to the ground and was stricken with pain in her heart and her lungs. The pain of losing her son. It was unbearable. She couldn't take it. She didn't even believe these men.
"No, you have the wrong Josh. Not my baby, not my boy!" This can't be she thought. This just cant be.
From the other room, her husband heard the commotion, and came in. She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and barely squeaked out the words "Josh. Is. Dead."
Friday, August 9, 2013
Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
Uncertainty. That's what is ailing me today. I am in a place where I don't know how I could act this way. I am getting mixed signals. But, is it enough to let it get in the way? Or is it just being blown out of proportion? I tend to do that... so. I am faced with a choice. I can continue and fight, or I can walk away. Walking away is always easier, but I'm not sure if that's what is best. I don't know. Just thinking a lot about it. My son is feeling the pressure, and he is acting out because of it. Either way I have to get it under control. He is so sensitive to what is going on emotionally around him. Yesterday, I was a mess. Just hurting and confused. He was hollering and making trouble all day. He feels it. He is cute, wants to snuggle. I love my little bundle of joy. He lights up my world. I wonder. How did I get so far from the path I once walked? It seems like so long ago I was laying my life down for God. For his plan. I was going to write a devotional. I actually started it. I was half way through exodus. But, then life happened. I know I need to get on it. I feel like I just abandoned what God had planned. Of course, here I have all this free time, have I utilized it? Nope. Instead I sit around watching greys reruns....go me. It's not good. I think I need to rededicate my spare time to Gods plan. I know, a devotional study guide is needing me to write it. I have felt it for a long time. I have so much to say, what better way than to mix it in with Gods words? With his voice...He is speaking to me. Asking me to trust him. I am so wrapped up in myself, and in Camden...our life here. How long has it been since I have consulted him before making a decision? Too long. So. I shall start. Today. I will begin writing my devotions. Through the bible, one chapter at a time. I imagine it will take a while. But that's good. It will keep me busy, not that I don't have enough to do already lol...We are going to Portland tomorrow. I am excited. Excited to see people. I miss everyone. Though I love it here, I don't know many people. I want to meet people. I think it's for the better that I take a nap today too. I only slept about 4 hours last night. I cleaned my house. It's spotless :) I cleaned everything. Organized. It does look amazing if I do say so...lol. Anyway, the moment has passed. So I think I will get off here and go do something else :)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Inside out.
Outside, calm.
Inside, pain.
Outside, composed.
Inside, tears.
Outside, strong.
Inside, weak.
Outside, smile.
Inside, rage.
Outside, happy.
Inside, sad.
Outside, peace.
Inside, storm.
Outside, calm.
Inside, heartbroken.
Outside, heartbroken.
Grieve. Let go. Live again.
Inside, pain.
Outside, composed.
Inside, tears.
Outside, strong.
Inside, weak.
Outside, smile.
Inside, rage.
Outside, happy.
Inside, sad.
Outside, peace.
Inside, storm.
Outside, calm.
Inside, heartbroken.
Outside, heartbroken.
Grieve. Let go. Live again.
Friday, June 21, 2013
A fresh start
It has been so long since I have been able to write! I am excited to finally have a computer again. Things are great, Camden and I have moved to Ontario, Oregon to start a new life. Simple life. Peaceful life. Away from the big city that is Portland...I love it here. The sun shines every day, maybe not all day, but every day :) It is so beautiful. It's dry, as in..not sopping wet as Portland is...I am SO loving that part of my new home town. I am at a crossroads. New apartment, new town, new church, new faces, no job. What to do? I have so many options, I could go for the traditional job, bring home a paycheck and be steady. Yeah, I could try that. But, for right now. I think it's time to try something different, think outside the box. That's not to say that I will, or have stopped looking for a job, but, I have so many other possibilities available to me! For example, Arbonne! I can work this business. If I can book enough parties, and make enough sales, I wont have to go back to work. Some people may think I am an idiot, but for right now, I have a little time. We have a cushion. And, I have a pretty motivating reason to make this work....They say that if you don't really want it, you will find an excuse. But, people who really want it, will make it happen. I think that is so true. I am definitely in a place where I want this to work. So. Research, studying, etc. I have been looking at what it takes to make this business work.
Another option...go back to school :) I was interrupted in a beautiful way by my little man angel <3 LOVE HIM!!! But, now that he is 14 months, why not try to go back to that path. Revisit the idea of getting that degree. So, next week, I will head off to the college to see what is going on over there. What else I need for financial aid, etc. Who knows, maybe there are more grants for a single mom in this town than there were in pdx..
There are just so many non-traditional, non "40 hour a week" life plans I could take right now. Hey, if all else fails, I can always resort to plan B, which would be the mundane 40 hour work week. I just don't feel like I am cut out for that...Sure, I can do it. And to be honest, I am damn good at it. But it's not my passion. I am passionate about other things. Like writing, dancing, my baby boy, living life to the fullest! Why not? Why cant I at least try, right? After all, if I don't try, I will never know...and I will always regret not taking that chance to find out what could have been.
So...wish me luck, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride :)
Another option...go back to school :) I was interrupted in a beautiful way by my little man angel <3 LOVE HIM!!! But, now that he is 14 months, why not try to go back to that path. Revisit the idea of getting that degree. So, next week, I will head off to the college to see what is going on over there. What else I need for financial aid, etc. Who knows, maybe there are more grants for a single mom in this town than there were in pdx..
There are just so many non-traditional, non "40 hour a week" life plans I could take right now. Hey, if all else fails, I can always resort to plan B, which would be the mundane 40 hour work week. I just don't feel like I am cut out for that...Sure, I can do it. And to be honest, I am damn good at it. But it's not my passion. I am passionate about other things. Like writing, dancing, my baby boy, living life to the fullest! Why not? Why cant I at least try, right? After all, if I don't try, I will never know...and I will always regret not taking that chance to find out what could have been.
So...wish me luck, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Her side of the story
It was mid morning, she woke with sleep still in her eyes. She gently rolled out of the bed as to not wake the man sleeping next to her. She hated this feeling of waking and sneaking out so no one would see her. She walked across the dirt floor, leaving an ever so small wake of dust in her trail. She stepped around the corner and peeked out the doorway. She saw crowds of people walking by. She shook her head and scolded herself silently. She should have been up earlier so she could sneak out without being seen. Now she will have to find a way to get out without being seen by all the people. She took a deep breath as a big knot rose into her stomach. Nerves on edge, "Here goes nothing." She said in a whisper.
She ducked out the door, and at that moment, a man met her eyes. Fear overtook her body as she froze there. She couldn't move, she knew she had been caught. She knew her actions were punishable by death. The man yelled, "Stop! Woman, do not move!"
She panicked. She turned and tried to run but another man cut her off. He grabbed her by the arm. His grip was so tight, it felt as if he would rip her arm off. She began to weep and beg as the overwhelming feeling came over her. She knew this was the end. She had been caught, and there was nothing she could do about it. She begged him to overlook her transgression, but he was not so kind. The man who had first met her eyes approached. His condescending, judgemental glare saw right through her. She thought about the events that led to this moment. She saw a stoning once. She knew it was definitely not the way she wanted to die. The thought of it had her fear stricken. "Come with me." Said the man.
As he gripped her other arm. There was no way she would get free from both of these men. The men led her to the other end of town, she wondered why they didn't just stone her there. Why delay her impending death? As they came to the end of town, she noticed the crowd became thicker. There were more people than she had ever seen there. Why did they have to build a crowd for her stoning? She was already so embarrassed that she had been caught. As they got closer to the center of the crowd, she heard the voice of a man. His voice was peaceful, and kind. She heard him teaching. As they approached him, her eyes met the teachers eyes. She had heard of this man, a lot of people thought he was a prophet or crazy. Some stated he was the messiah. What was his name? She tried to remember. "Jesus!" Someone shouted from the crowd.
That's right, his name was Jesus. She wondered what these two men who gripped her arms so tightly were going to do. She was humiliated. As they approached the teacher, he grew quiet. A look of concern washed over his face. Her eyes met his. She turned away her eyes as the shame washed over her. The men who brought her before him stated "Teacher, This woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?"
She was confused, and for a second she had hope. Hope that maybe he would not have her stoned, that hope was then washed away by her own thoughts. They always followed the law, especially when it came to adultery. A small group of men in the crowd began to pick up large and medium stones. They were ready to throw them at his word. The teacher looked at her, as he did, she felt a deep pit where her stomach should have been. She was so ashamed as he looked at her with kind eyes. The teacher, broke his gaze, bent down, and began to write in the dirt with his finger. She wondered what this peculiar behavior meant. The men prodded him, "Teacher, what do you say?"
He stood again. He looked each of the men in the eyes, and said "Let the one of you who has never sinned throw the first stone."
She held her breath, she clenched her body waiting for the pain of stones being thrown at her soft flesh. The teacher bent down and began to write in the dirt again. Then something happened, she heard a soft thud. She turned and looked, an old man was walking away. She heard another thud. Another man turned and walked away. Then another, and another. Soon, there were no men left. It was just her and Jesus in the midst of the crowd. He stood and said "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"
Amazed, she said "No, Lord. Not one."
Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."
Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what had just happened. This was unheard of. She did as he said. She turned, and walked away in awe. She went down by the river. There was a large weeping willow tree there. It was a beautiful sight as the sun shone down on her. She sat under the shade of the large tree. She took in the events of the day. As she did she couldn't help but hear the teachers words again. In her mind they played over and over again. 'Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.' She decided a that moment she needed to make an honest living. She needed to go back to her father's house, and beg to be taken back. Though she was dirty. She stood. Walked over to the river and waded in. As she bathed herself, trying to wash off the uncleanliness, she prayed to the God of Jacob. She prayed that he would keep her strong in this new life, she prayed that he would bring back her purity. She came out of the water, and began to walk home. Not to the temporary home she had resided in while living her promiscuous life, but the home of her father and mother. The journey was long, a day's walk. As she came over the hill, she saw her father's home. Her stomach became tight. What if they would not accept her back? What if she would be sent away? At this point, it didn't matter. She had to go home. She walked down the dusty road. As she approached the house, she heard the noises of the family inside. In the midst of their dinner, she came through the door. "Hello?" She said. Her mother came around the corner in that moment. The look on her face was of thankfulness. Her daughter was home. She wrapped her arms around her and began to weep. Her father then entered the room, and joined the hug. They stood there weeping, all 3 of them. with tears running down his cheeks, her father said "Welcome home."
She ducked out the door, and at that moment, a man met her eyes. Fear overtook her body as she froze there. She couldn't move, she knew she had been caught. She knew her actions were punishable by death. The man yelled, "Stop! Woman, do not move!"
She panicked. She turned and tried to run but another man cut her off. He grabbed her by the arm. His grip was so tight, it felt as if he would rip her arm off. She began to weep and beg as the overwhelming feeling came over her. She knew this was the end. She had been caught, and there was nothing she could do about it. She begged him to overlook her transgression, but he was not so kind. The man who had first met her eyes approached. His condescending, judgemental glare saw right through her. She thought about the events that led to this moment. She saw a stoning once. She knew it was definitely not the way she wanted to die. The thought of it had her fear stricken. "Come with me." Said the man.
As he gripped her other arm. There was no way she would get free from both of these men. The men led her to the other end of town, she wondered why they didn't just stone her there. Why delay her impending death? As they came to the end of town, she noticed the crowd became thicker. There were more people than she had ever seen there. Why did they have to build a crowd for her stoning? She was already so embarrassed that she had been caught. As they got closer to the center of the crowd, she heard the voice of a man. His voice was peaceful, and kind. She heard him teaching. As they approached him, her eyes met the teachers eyes. She had heard of this man, a lot of people thought he was a prophet or crazy. Some stated he was the messiah. What was his name? She tried to remember. "Jesus!" Someone shouted from the crowd.
That's right, his name was Jesus. She wondered what these two men who gripped her arms so tightly were going to do. She was humiliated. As they approached the teacher, he grew quiet. A look of concern washed over his face. Her eyes met his. She turned away her eyes as the shame washed over her. The men who brought her before him stated "Teacher, This woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?"
She was confused, and for a second she had hope. Hope that maybe he would not have her stoned, that hope was then washed away by her own thoughts. They always followed the law, especially when it came to adultery. A small group of men in the crowd began to pick up large and medium stones. They were ready to throw them at his word. The teacher looked at her, as he did, she felt a deep pit where her stomach should have been. She was so ashamed as he looked at her with kind eyes. The teacher, broke his gaze, bent down, and began to write in the dirt with his finger. She wondered what this peculiar behavior meant. The men prodded him, "Teacher, what do you say?"
He stood again. He looked each of the men in the eyes, and said "Let the one of you who has never sinned throw the first stone."
She held her breath, she clenched her body waiting for the pain of stones being thrown at her soft flesh. The teacher bent down and began to write in the dirt again. Then something happened, she heard a soft thud. She turned and looked, an old man was walking away. She heard another thud. Another man turned and walked away. Then another, and another. Soon, there were no men left. It was just her and Jesus in the midst of the crowd. He stood and said "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"
Amazed, she said "No, Lord. Not one."
Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."
Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what had just happened. This was unheard of. She did as he said. She turned, and walked away in awe. She went down by the river. There was a large weeping willow tree there. It was a beautiful sight as the sun shone down on her. She sat under the shade of the large tree. She took in the events of the day. As she did she couldn't help but hear the teachers words again. In her mind they played over and over again. 'Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.' She decided a that moment she needed to make an honest living. She needed to go back to her father's house, and beg to be taken back. Though she was dirty. She stood. Walked over to the river and waded in. As she bathed herself, trying to wash off the uncleanliness, she prayed to the God of Jacob. She prayed that he would keep her strong in this new life, she prayed that he would bring back her purity. She came out of the water, and began to walk home. Not to the temporary home she had resided in while living her promiscuous life, but the home of her father and mother. The journey was long, a day's walk. As she came over the hill, she saw her father's home. Her stomach became tight. What if they would not accept her back? What if she would be sent away? At this point, it didn't matter. She had to go home. She walked down the dusty road. As she approached the house, she heard the noises of the family inside. In the midst of their dinner, she came through the door. "Hello?" She said. Her mother came around the corner in that moment. The look on her face was of thankfulness. Her daughter was home. She wrapped her arms around her and began to weep. Her father then entered the room, and joined the hug. They stood there weeping, all 3 of them. with tears running down his cheeks, her father said "Welcome home."
Friday, May 4, 2012
2am feeding
Ha...I'm a mom now :) I knew I would love motherhood, and its pretty much what I expected except way better! I am loving every moment of time with this little man God has blessed me with. I sit and stare at him sometimes, thinking about how one single cell turned into a living, breathing human baby boy. With 10 perfect fingers, and 10 perfect toes. I must say, I LOVE his toes!!! They are so cute :) He is the light of my life, and I love every minute of time while he is little. I love every snuggle, and cuddle, and when he pee's on me or poops on me, I just laugh. Because, he sits there with this innocent little look on his face like as if to say "What? Did I do that?" lol... I think God had to make mom's be so in love with their children from day 1...otherwise. no one would ever reproduce, or we would then not take care of them... Motherhood is an incredible experience. Eventhough I am doing it as a single parent, which makes it harder...I am so in love and already I don't know how I ever lived without this little man. I love that he is so cuddly and snuggly. God gave me the perfect baby boy :) anyway, enough bragging on him...for a minute ;)
2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.
God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3
2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.
God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3
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