Kelly

She was a lonely gal, one of sorrow and pain. She held dear to her only a few belongings, in her run down and tattered little apartment. She lay on the floor of her unswept bathroom, who knows how long it had been since she cleaned, she didnt really care at this point. She had been here before, many times and everytime she swore she would never come back. Then she felt that old familiar feeling, the deep rumbling in her stomach, the sweat on her brow, the congestion in her head and the spinning room that never seemed to stop. It was like a merry-go-round that had trapped her inside, the room, was spinning all around her...then suddenly, the familiar feeling of hot fluid bursting through her stomach, up her throat, from the back of her mouth and into the toilet. She was ill, and she knew it. She tried many times before to stop, she told herself that just yesterday in fact. She told her counselor, that she had a bottle at home, and listened as the counselor attempted to persuade her out of it as she had many times before. She wanted so desperately to give it up, but she didnt know how, and everytime she thought she had it beat, she just ended up here again, on the cold, unswept bathroom floor, in her tattered and run down apartment. She cried out to a God she didnt know if she believed in, "Why!?! Why have you left me here?!" She had been to church only a few times, and couldnt decide if she fully wanted to accept Him. She wasnt sure if she really believed in this God they talked about. She finally passed out, and her agony left her for the time.

She awoke to a sudden knock on the door. She slowly peeled herself off the floor, she seemed to be in a fog. She couldnt recall what happened the night before, then the pounding in her head started. As she slowly drug herself down the hall her head pounding with every step, she said the familiar phrase. "I will never do that again!" She made it to the door, and listened to the familiar squeak as it opened. "Can I help you?" Her eyes were half open, and a dazed look took up residence on her face. The man stood there, He said "Hello, ma'am. My name is Gerald and I am witness for Jehovah! May I speak with you?" She slammed the door in his face, her head was pounding, hair a frazzled mess. The last thing she wanted to do was listen to a man preach to her about how bad she was, how condemed she was to hell. She already knew thats where she was going. She staggered back down the hall and into her bedroom, dirty clothes strewn across every corner of the room. She shoved a pile across her messy unmade bed and plopped down, as she lay there she thought of last Sunday, when she went to church she didnt have much and she had heard of a story in the bible of a woman who didnt have very much to give, she wanted to give when they passed the collection plate, so she said "All I have is two pennies, I can give them." She remembered how she placed the two pennies in the plate as it passed by her and how it felt to give something, it felt somewhat rewarding, it was all she had. She thought about how it felt as she dozed into a deep sleep.

"So, lets turn to John Chapter three, verse sixteen." The pastor requested. It was all a blur, church. Then the pastor said something that caught her attention. "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not parish but have everlasting life. You see friends, God gave us the gift, and all we have to do is accept it. Its a gift, it requires no repayment, It requires no sacrifice on your part. No change, just acceptance. Hell is a very real place, with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth! You cant just be a good person. When you get to heaven, God will say 'I never knew you, be gone from this place.' Jesus loves you, he longs to be with you, and he gave his ONLY son to die, to redeem you. All you have to do is believe, and accept the beautiful gift that he gave to us!" Suddenly she realized tears had been streaming down her face, uncontrollably, the more she wiped them away, the more they flowed. She wanted that so badly. She wanted the freedom they spoke of, she wanted the peace they all had. Her life had been a rollercoaster, and she wanted tranquility that these happy nerdy people all had. They had something, and she thought...perhapse it could be this Jesus they all spoke about...

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! She rolled over and hit the snooze button, she felt terrible, her whole body ached like she had been beat. As she sat up, she felt that feeling again in her stomach, she didnt have the energy to run to the bathroom. Out of her mouth spewed more vomit, all over her floor. She just stood up and walked through it, leaving vomit tracks through her room. She would clean it up later, right now she needed a shower. The heat of the water scalded her skin, as she stood in the shower letting the water wash over her. Another vomit spell burst over her, and with this one came tears. Tears of fear, she was scared. She didnt want to do it again. She was tired of the never ending downward cycle. She wanted so desperately to escape. To run away from herself and never come back! She cried out to God in that moment "Why?! Why have you forsaken me?! Where are you now, I need you?! Help me please!" The dream shot back to the front of her memory, and she cried out "God, I believe! I believe you gave your son for me, deliver me from this place! Save me from myself..I cant do it anymore, and I need you right now." She didnt feel any different, still just hungover and tired. She finished with her shower, prepared for the rest of the day and headed out the door.

"Well, Kelly how are you today?" Her counselor asked her as she got seated in the comfortable leather chair, in the inviting office. "I have been better." She looked at her counselor and thought this lady had it all together. She looked at the blonde hair and blue eyes, married to the perfect man, picture of her perfect blonde hair, blue eyed daughter. This lady had it all, she thought. Maybe, if she was just able to make the changes necessary, she could have a life like this wonderful lady's. She was certain she had made the first step, but was somewhat embarrassed to tell her counselor. She started, "I drank last night, I tried not to, but I just couldnt help it. Then I had a wierd dream last night." She explained as she recalled everything that happened. Her counselor just sat there, listening with polite eyes, and nodding. "Well Kelly, that is marvelous! I am so happy to hear that you have accepted Jesus, it wont be easy, but God will walk with you." The counseling session seemed to end too quickly, and she dreaded going home to that cold dark apartment. She knew she still had some alcohol in her house, she told her counselor she wouldnt drink it, and said she just had it there to see if she could resist. Though, she knew deep in her heart that she wouldnt be able to resist its bitter sweet temptation.

Nervously, she slid the key into the lock, turned it to hear the 'click' of it unlocking, opened the door and sulked inside. There staring her straight in the eye was the fifth of vodka sitting on her countertop. She resisted it, fighting in her head back and forth. 'I could have just one drink, I can control it with my new found Jesus', 'No, I should just dump it down the drain.' Back  and forth she fought with it. Until finally she lost the battle in her head, She twisted off the cap, and placed the bottle to her lips, tilted and let the soothing liquor with a burn flow to her stomach. She got thirsty, and before she knew it the bottle was gone. She drank it so fast, she needed another. Then she remembered, there was more behind her bed, she had stashed it there long ago, a fifth of whisky. She drank it quickly, she couldnt seem to get enough. She thought 'Well, I'll just drink a beer, its not hard liquor, and it will ease my thirst.' Before she knew it the 6 pack was gone, and it had only been 15 minutes since she put the key in the lock to open her door. She was tired, and still half way coherent to know that she had just drank two fifths of liquor and a 6-pack of beer. She knew that if she didnt pass out soon she would be right back in the bathroom vomiting again, she didnt want that, and the guilt set in. She thought of how quickly she had failed, and she thought to herself  'There is no more alcohol in my apartment, so it will be easier to stop tomorrow.' She remembered then that she had some sleeping pills in her nightstand, and figured she would take a few of them to help her pass out in hopes of avoiding the nasty vomiting that was sure to come. She decided on a plan, she would sleep off this drunk and in the morning she would go back to her counselor and request to be sent to detox, and an inpatient treatment. That would give her a good base to kick this severe addiction to the enticing liquid that ruled her life. She had decided. She poured herself a glass of water, and walked down the hall. The alcohol was starting to effect her, as she swayed into her bedroom. Her judgement had been impaired, she untwisted the cap and poured some of the pills into her hand, she wanted to make sure she would not awake into a violent puking spell, so she took a few more than prescribed, placed them on her tongue and washed them down with the cold water. She fell back onto her bed, and slowly drifted away.

The phone rang. It was mid-afternoon and the counselor had just finished with a client. The afternoon buzz around the clinic was calm, and dying down. "Hello?" She answered. "May I speak with Kelly McCleary's Counselor?" "Speaking." "Ma'am, I am with the police department, I wanted to inform you that Kelly passed away late last night, we found empty alcohol containers and a near empty bottle of prescription sleeping pills near her. We think she overdosed, but wont know for sure until the autopsy comes back. Werent sure if she had any family, but we saw your card sitting on the table. We figured it best to call you." Fighting the lump in her throat she replied "Thank you officer." She hung up the phone ever so gently, wondering where the fog had suddenly appeared from. Her throat was dry, she sat back in her chair and started to cry. Tears started flowing, as she thought of the woman who had been in her office just the other day telling of how she accepted Jesus, she thought of the time she had spent with Kelly over the last year and all the talks they had shared. "Thank you God" she whispered, "For showing her your face before taking her home." The tears continued to flow. Her loving husband burst through the door with a smile on his face, ready to leave for the day, he stopped at the sight tears streaming down his beloved wife's face. "Whats wrong my dear?" She looked at him, with red eyes and mascarra stained tears dripping down her face, and replied "Kelly died."