I went to church tonight, pastor Ted spoke about "Dangerous Faith" the message was really good, but left me feeling like I have some work to do, well..I guess the truth is that I do have work to do, because if I didnt then I would be perfect, and we know...no one is. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. That, is a key ingredient to my very being. I am a work in progress, and I am waiting for God to fulfill his promise. The desires that burn deep within my longing soul. He placed them there, He knew what He was doing.. and He created me to respond to them...to desire with a passion that people dont understand. To what am I referring?
Well, that seems to be the question. I am referring to the passion I have to reach the hearts of women, God has shown me hundreds of thousands of women's hearts! And let me tell you, it is a sad and scary picture... The burning desire within my soul is to show them, to be a testimony to them that I have made it through some of the deepest, darkest times, and they can too. They can truly rely on God. He IS trustworthy. Pastor Ted spoke tonight of bitterness, how it creeps in and leeches onto us and sometimes we dont even realize its there. He spoke of the people who say "I'm cautious." Talk about a "smack" in the face, I am one of those people, and it was brought to light tonight. I am the girl who says, "Of course I have forgiven all the men who have wronged me, I'm not bitter, I am cautious because I dont want to be hurt again, but I am not bitter and I have forgiven them all." Truth is, and I realized it tonight, I AM bitter, I am hurt over the unfairness of life, I have been wronged more times and ways in my life of 25 years than most people could ever even dream of having been wronged, or hurt... I have been raped, beat, yelled at, called names, coaxed, and so much more than I care to type out right now... Injustice, the things I have been through... It does hurt, and granted I havent been through as much as some have, but the scars on my heart have left bitterness that has had its hold on me for such a long time... I am bitter toward men, so, I grouped them. Leave me to talk alone with one, I guarentee my walls are up. I know that not all men are the same, but when I have been so hurt by some, its hard not to believe that they wont all treat me the same way... The bitterness has crept in, taken hold of me, and tonight, we prayed against it, I prayed against it.. It has its grip no more, God loosed the chains of bitterness, and He planted a supernatural seed, that the next time I have the opportunity to be bitter, I will be able to stop, and think about it.
Pastor Ted spoke of Naomi, and how when she came back home she changed her name to Mara. Naomi means joy, Mara means bitter. I fear my name has been Mara too long, I am taking it back! I am re-claiming the name Naomi... Someone told me not too long ago that I need to be intentional with my joy, place jokes or funny pictures around... you see, joy is our secret weapon against the enemy, he hates to see us joyful, he squirms when we are joyous! So therefore, we need to all be Naomi's, be full of joy... He said it tonight, I have heard it before, and I'll leave you with this. I want to be the kind of woman that when I wake up in the morning, and my feet hit the floor, the devil says "Oh crap!!! She's awake." And I cant be that type of woman, unless I deal with the bitterness that has crept in. One day at a time, God can change even me in all my stubborness.
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