Rambling on...

Well, I guess you could say it has been one of "those" days... what are "those" days anyway? cliche... So I decided to start a blog..I guess you could say its a blog for days like these.. Depressing, dark, cold, rainy days? I guess..who knows, maybe Ill add some happiness in and amongst the gloom of my writings... but we shall discuss that at a later date. Right now, I sit here at my kitchen table in my house, the one I bought not even a month ago. I am so blessed, but at the same time I feel so trapped, I was afraid this would happen, I knew it would happen, and Im sure its a phase and it will pass soon enough... C'est la vie... its the life. The American dream right? Whats next? I have the house, still need a car lol.. and a job that will be more supportive than my part time coffee shop position as a barista...love that word. Hmmm.. Well, I know this probably doesnt make any sense whatsoever, but I watched Eat. Pray. Love. today, such an inspiring move, makes me miss Europe. Makes me want to be sporadic, but I wont. I never am... I will just continue to sit here in my little house, safe and stable... Why? Because thats who I am.

 Math, now there is another subject for you, not that Im changing the subject, but I am. I have despised math my entire life. I feel like everyone just wants to fix it, people dont seem to realize how much of a struggle it has been for me. Like when I would tell people last term that I was in math 10, heh.. the lowest math class possible, and I get the "No way! Youre better than that, you should test out of it." I took the test once and I tested into math 10, I'm ok with it.. then toward the end of the term, I told people I was getting an A in the class, 100% what a HUGE accomplishment for me, but then there are the people who say "Youre getting an A because you're in math 10" LOL...not! But I dont care, because they dont get it... they dont need to get it. I am who I am, and the I that I am sucks at math.. Slowly, I am learning, and thats ok..they can laugh at me all they want... So math 10, its over, done, passed with the highest grade in the class...go me! Next is math 20, makes sense right... Well, math 20 is proving to be harder...duh Mindy! Then comes the familiar voice in my head, "You can't do it, you never should have gone back to school in the first place. You're STUPID!!!" I fight with these thoughts almost on a regular basis nowadays, makes me think about why I did wait so long to go back to school...because I can't do it, the old familiar voices ring in the back of my head "You will never be good for anything more than laying on your back, thats the only way you will ever make a decent living." Those are words from my past... Ones that I have tried to bury, God has healed me of a lot of the hurt and pain from those words, but theyre still there, probably always will be... well, I fully intend to prove those people wrong, and I just hope that they can look at me in 10 years and be blown away that I did it, I made it through...because I'm sure I will, in fact, I know I will.. its just a matter of pushing through the hard times...I dont know, I guess I am rambling now...

I suppose I will wrap this up with determination, that I will make it to the end, and I will prove people wrong, I just hope theyre around to see it... Eat. Pray. Love. was an excellent movie, if you havent seen it, watch it..then maybe you will experience some of the emotions flooding over me right now... I want to go back to Europe, badly...God please provide a way! I thought about just leaving, but that would be irresponsible, and stupid..lol, but then again, I'm sure I am not the only person who has ever felt an urge to just get up and walk away... I guess it doesnt make it better that I have a bone spur that has been wreaking havoc in my right ankle and I have been on crutches for 3ish days trying to get the swelling to go down. Its slowing me down, then come all the other physical problems... I am a 25 year old divorced athsmatic with metal in my back, a bum knee from a horseback riding injury when I was 19, tendonitis in my right wrist, migrane headaches and IBS...now the bone spur in the ankle...well suck! Not to mention all of the psychological and emotional crap that tags along for the ride...PTSD, major depressive disorder, and borderline... Fun combination...not! Sometimes I sit here and think, who could love such a messed up person? Who will be able to look past my physical inflexibility, and taking up residence in the bathroom? Who will be able to comfort my random crying spells, and anxiety attacks? See? Pretty messed up huh, if there's one thing I do know, its that God loves me, He created me to be in His image, and He likes the parts about me that I dont like about myself...not too long ago, I was told that God likes my style, and that meant so much to me, to know that the Father of all creation likes MY style, granted He gave me that style, but He likes it... He see's my heart, and knows my deepest desires.. He knows my desire to rip down walls and tear through barriors.. My desire to do what people say cannot be done, and to give Him all the glory for it... So, what is the moral of these messed up ramblings from this crazy girl sitting at the computer? You tell me.