Kelly

She was a lonely gal, one of sorrow and pain. She held dear to her only a few belongings, in her run down and tattered little apartment. She lay on the floor of her unswept bathroom, who knows how long it had been since she cleaned, she didnt really care at this point. She had been here before, many times and everytime she swore she would never come back. Then she felt that old familiar feeling, the deep rumbling in her stomach, the sweat on her brow, the congestion in her head and the spinning room that never seemed to stop. It was like a merry-go-round that had trapped her inside, the room, was spinning all around her...then suddenly, the familiar feeling of hot fluid bursting through her stomach, up her throat, from the back of her mouth and into the toilet. She was ill, and she knew it. She tried many times before to stop, she told herself that just yesterday in fact. She told her counselor, that she had a bottle at home, and listened as the counselor attempted to persuade her out of it as she had many times before. She wanted so desperately to give it up, but she didnt know how, and everytime she thought she had it beat, she just ended up here again, on the cold, unswept bathroom floor, in her tattered and run down apartment. She cried out to a God she didnt know if she believed in, "Why!?! Why have you left me here?!" She had been to church only a few times, and couldnt decide if she fully wanted to accept Him. She wasnt sure if she really believed in this God they talked about. She finally passed out, and her agony left her for the time.

She awoke to a sudden knock on the door. She slowly peeled herself off the floor, she seemed to be in a fog. She couldnt recall what happened the night before, then the pounding in her head started. As she slowly drug herself down the hall her head pounding with every step, she said the familiar phrase. "I will never do that again!" She made it to the door, and listened to the familiar squeak as it opened. "Can I help you?" Her eyes were half open, and a dazed look took up residence on her face. The man stood there, He said "Hello, ma'am. My name is Gerald and I am witness for Jehovah! May I speak with you?" She slammed the door in his face, her head was pounding, hair a frazzled mess. The last thing she wanted to do was listen to a man preach to her about how bad she was, how condemed she was to hell. She already knew thats where she was going. She staggered back down the hall and into her bedroom, dirty clothes strewn across every corner of the room. She shoved a pile across her messy unmade bed and plopped down, as she lay there she thought of last Sunday, when she went to church she didnt have much and she had heard of a story in the bible of a woman who didnt have very much to give, she wanted to give when they passed the collection plate, so she said "All I have is two pennies, I can give them." She remembered how she placed the two pennies in the plate as it passed by her and how it felt to give something, it felt somewhat rewarding, it was all she had. She thought about how it felt as she dozed into a deep sleep.

"So, lets turn to John Chapter three, verse sixteen." The pastor requested. It was all a blur, church. Then the pastor said something that caught her attention. "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not parish but have everlasting life. You see friends, God gave us the gift, and all we have to do is accept it. Its a gift, it requires no repayment, It requires no sacrifice on your part. No change, just acceptance. Hell is a very real place, with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth! You cant just be a good person. When you get to heaven, God will say 'I never knew you, be gone from this place.' Jesus loves you, he longs to be with you, and he gave his ONLY son to die, to redeem you. All you have to do is believe, and accept the beautiful gift that he gave to us!" Suddenly she realized tears had been streaming down her face, uncontrollably, the more she wiped them away, the more they flowed. She wanted that so badly. She wanted the freedom they spoke of, she wanted the peace they all had. Her life had been a rollercoaster, and she wanted tranquility that these happy nerdy people all had. They had something, and she thought...perhapse it could be this Jesus they all spoke about...

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! She rolled over and hit the snooze button, she felt terrible, her whole body ached like she had been beat. As she sat up, she felt that feeling again in her stomach, she didnt have the energy to run to the bathroom. Out of her mouth spewed more vomit, all over her floor. She just stood up and walked through it, leaving vomit tracks through her room. She would clean it up later, right now she needed a shower. The heat of the water scalded her skin, as she stood in the shower letting the water wash over her. Another vomit spell burst over her, and with this one came tears. Tears of fear, she was scared. She didnt want to do it again. She was tired of the never ending downward cycle. She wanted so desperately to escape. To run away from herself and never come back! She cried out to God in that moment "Why?! Why have you forsaken me?! Where are you now, I need you?! Help me please!" The dream shot back to the front of her memory, and she cried out "God, I believe! I believe you gave your son for me, deliver me from this place! Save me from myself..I cant do it anymore, and I need you right now." She didnt feel any different, still just hungover and tired. She finished with her shower, prepared for the rest of the day and headed out the door.

"Well, Kelly how are you today?" Her counselor asked her as she got seated in the comfortable leather chair, in the inviting office. "I have been better." She looked at her counselor and thought this lady had it all together. She looked at the blonde hair and blue eyes, married to the perfect man, picture of her perfect blonde hair, blue eyed daughter. This lady had it all, she thought. Maybe, if she was just able to make the changes necessary, she could have a life like this wonderful lady's. She was certain she had made the first step, but was somewhat embarrassed to tell her counselor. She started, "I drank last night, I tried not to, but I just couldnt help it. Then I had a wierd dream last night." She explained as she recalled everything that happened. Her counselor just sat there, listening with polite eyes, and nodding. "Well Kelly, that is marvelous! I am so happy to hear that you have accepted Jesus, it wont be easy, but God will walk with you." The counseling session seemed to end too quickly, and she dreaded going home to that cold dark apartment. She knew she still had some alcohol in her house, she told her counselor she wouldnt drink it, and said she just had it there to see if she could resist. Though, she knew deep in her heart that she wouldnt be able to resist its bitter sweet temptation.

Nervously, she slid the key into the lock, turned it to hear the 'click' of it unlocking, opened the door and sulked inside. There staring her straight in the eye was the fifth of vodka sitting on her countertop. She resisted it, fighting in her head back and forth. 'I could have just one drink, I can control it with my new found Jesus', 'No, I should just dump it down the drain.' Back  and forth she fought with it. Until finally she lost the battle in her head, She twisted off the cap, and placed the bottle to her lips, tilted and let the soothing liquor with a burn flow to her stomach. She got thirsty, and before she knew it the bottle was gone. She drank it so fast, she needed another. Then she remembered, there was more behind her bed, she had stashed it there long ago, a fifth of whisky. She drank it quickly, she couldnt seem to get enough. She thought 'Well, I'll just drink a beer, its not hard liquor, and it will ease my thirst.' Before she knew it the 6 pack was gone, and it had only been 15 minutes since she put the key in the lock to open her door. She was tired, and still half way coherent to know that she had just drank two fifths of liquor and a 6-pack of beer. She knew that if she didnt pass out soon she would be right back in the bathroom vomiting again, she didnt want that, and the guilt set in. She thought of how quickly she had failed, and she thought to herself  'There is no more alcohol in my apartment, so it will be easier to stop tomorrow.' She remembered then that she had some sleeping pills in her nightstand, and figured she would take a few of them to help her pass out in hopes of avoiding the nasty vomiting that was sure to come. She decided on a plan, she would sleep off this drunk and in the morning she would go back to her counselor and request to be sent to detox, and an inpatient treatment. That would give her a good base to kick this severe addiction to the enticing liquid that ruled her life. She had decided. She poured herself a glass of water, and walked down the hall. The alcohol was starting to effect her, as she swayed into her bedroom. Her judgement had been impaired, she untwisted the cap and poured some of the pills into her hand, she wanted to make sure she would not awake into a violent puking spell, so she took a few more than prescribed, placed them on her tongue and washed them down with the cold water. She fell back onto her bed, and slowly drifted away.

The phone rang. It was mid-afternoon and the counselor had just finished with a client. The afternoon buzz around the clinic was calm, and dying down. "Hello?" She answered. "May I speak with Kelly McCleary's Counselor?" "Speaking." "Ma'am, I am with the police department, I wanted to inform you that Kelly passed away late last night, we found empty alcohol containers and a near empty bottle of prescription sleeping pills near her. We think she overdosed, but wont know for sure until the autopsy comes back. Werent sure if she had any family, but we saw your card sitting on the table. We figured it best to call you." Fighting the lump in her throat she replied "Thank you officer." She hung up the phone ever so gently, wondering where the fog had suddenly appeared from. Her throat was dry, she sat back in her chair and started to cry. Tears started flowing, as she thought of the woman who had been in her office just the other day telling of how she accepted Jesus, she thought of the time she had spent with Kelly over the last year and all the talks they had shared. "Thank you God" she whispered, "For showing her your face before taking her home." The tears continued to flow. Her loving husband burst through the door with a smile on his face, ready to leave for the day, he stopped at the sight tears streaming down his beloved wife's face. "Whats wrong my dear?" She looked at him, with red eyes and mascarra stained tears dripping down her face, and replied "Kelly died."

He was talking to me...

I went to church tonight, pastor Ted spoke about "Dangerous Faith" the message was really good, but left me feeling like I have some work to do, well..I guess the truth is that I do have work to do, because if I didnt then I would be perfect, and we know...no one is. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. That, is a key ingredient to my very being. I am a work in progress, and I am waiting for God to fulfill his promise. The desires that burn deep within my longing soul. He placed them there, He knew what He was doing.. and He created me to respond to them...to desire with a passion that people dont understand. To what am I referring?

Well, that seems to be the question. I am referring to the passion I have to reach the hearts of women, God has shown me hundreds of thousands of women's hearts! And let me tell you, it is a sad and scary picture... The burning desire within my soul is to show them, to be a testimony to them that I have made it through some of the deepest, darkest times, and they can too. They can truly rely on God. He IS trustworthy. Pastor Ted spoke tonight of bitterness, how it creeps in and leeches onto us and sometimes we dont even realize its there. He spoke of the people who say "I'm cautious." Talk about a "smack" in the face, I am one of those people, and it was brought to light tonight. I am the girl who says, "Of course I have forgiven all the men who have wronged me, I'm not bitter, I am cautious because I dont want to be hurt again, but I am not bitter and I have forgiven them all." Truth is, and I realized it tonight, I AM bitter, I am hurt over the unfairness of life, I have been wronged more times and ways in my life of 25 years than most people could ever even dream of having been wronged, or hurt... I have been raped, beat, yelled at, called names, coaxed, and so much more than I care to type out right now... Injustice, the things I have been through... It does hurt, and granted I havent been through as much as some have, but the scars on my heart have left bitterness that has had its hold on me for such a long time... I am bitter toward men, so, I grouped them. Leave me to talk alone with one, I guarentee my walls are up. I know that not all men are the same, but when I have been so hurt by some, its hard not to believe that they wont all treat me the same way... The bitterness has crept in, taken hold of me, and tonight, we prayed against it, I prayed against it.. It has its grip no more, God loosed the chains of bitterness, and He planted a supernatural seed, that the next time I have the opportunity to be bitter, I will be able to stop, and think about it.

Pastor Ted spoke of Naomi, and how when she came back home she changed her name to Mara. Naomi means joy, Mara means bitter. I fear my name has been Mara too long, I am taking it back! I am re-claiming the name Naomi... Someone told me not too long ago that I need to be intentional with my joy, place jokes or funny pictures around... you see, joy is our secret weapon against the enemy, he hates to see us joyful, he squirms when we are joyous! So therefore, we need to all be Naomi's, be full of joy... He said it tonight, I have heard it before, and I'll leave you with this. I want to be the kind of woman that when I wake up in the morning, and my feet hit the floor, the devil says "Oh crap!!! She's awake." And I cant be that type of woman, unless I deal with the bitterness that has crept in. One day at a time, God can change even me in all my stubborness.

Homosexuality and God, rape and abortion.

Ok..so twice in one day? I know, its new and it will probably wear off, but this cant wait. I have to get this out because its saddening my heart. I read a picture that was posted that stated "If that fetus you saved were GAY would you still protect its rights?" In response to that...Yes, I would. Why? Because sexuality is a choice, life isnt. Dont get me wrong, I am not one to judge, I have no room to judge. Its Gods job, if I go around judging people then I am just as bad, as the gay who has never known different. Heres what I think. I think it is sad that Gay people have been so judged and so discriminated against that they have to resort to telling us all that they were just born that way to justify their actions and choice. The fact is, I have been on both ends of the spectrum. I have been fully gay, dated girls, at one point in my life, I even was engaged to a girl. Now, I am "straight as an arrow." Don't judge me, or anyone else for that matter on what choices they make. Thats my belief. It is NOT our job to agree with their choices, it is our job as Gods hands and feet to love them for who they are, not to impose our beliefs on them.. No one was ever able to influence my decisions by judging me, the people who influenced my choices are the people who loved me, for who I was, where I was at at the time. There was a guy, I dont talk about him much but he was an angel, real or not, he was an angel to me. He told me how he saw it, answered my questions in those dark times, but he never judged me. For that I was able to get that small dose of Jesus that I so desparately needed, whether I knew it or not. So yes, I believe it IS a choice, and I believe that us christians need to not be so damn uptight and stuck in our own world that we are incapable of showing people who need it most the love that Jesus came to earth to die for us and show us mercy and grace. If I love people who are "unlovable" who are chosing to be gay, then I am doing what God has asked me, God loves everyone, regardless of the choices we make... He loved me when I was having crazy drugged out orgi's, He loved me when I was down in Los Angeles, CA flaunting my body for all to see, or when I was drunk and staggering down the sidewalk...God loved me during those times, sure He weeped over my choices, but thats just it, they were choices. I wasnt born gay, I was born within His perfect plan, I chose differently. And God met me where I was at, We are called to meet people where they are at, I think it is sad that most christians choose to judge instead.

Now, lets address the other side. I am not one to judge someone for having an abortion either. I do believe that it is murder because the process has started from the moment of conception, however, it is their choice. The reason I am against abortion is because I know what it does to women, some of my close friends have had abortions and I see what it has done to them...I know that God has forgiven them, but some of them dont. and I know how hard it is to get over a rape (if thats your argument). Rape is damaging, and hurtful, it can take near a lifetime to heal from the effects of rape... But to add the guilt and shame of abortion on top of rape can be devastating. Young girls who's brains are not fully developed are making these decisions that will effect them for the rest of their lives, and they dont know the devastating consequences of what theyre doing, yes, everytime they see the baby they will think about the rape and awful things that happen to them, but, I can say from personal experience, that they will think of the rape everyday anyway. They will also think about their baby every day, EVERY DAY. I know there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about my baby boy and how I wish he was here with me. So I believe that people should not set their opinions and judgements on what they have heard, or what they "think" to  be true. If you speak, speak on experience, speak on what you know to be true, do not speak on hearsay. Because people lie, sometimes to themselves.

Thats it, my two cents on the topics of homosexuality and God, rape and abortion.

Don't judge.

Rambling on...

Well, I guess you could say it has been one of "those" days... what are "those" days anyway? cliche... So I decided to start a blog..I guess you could say its a blog for days like these.. Depressing, dark, cold, rainy days? I guess..who knows, maybe Ill add some happiness in and amongst the gloom of my writings... but we shall discuss that at a later date. Right now, I sit here at my kitchen table in my house, the one I bought not even a month ago. I am so blessed, but at the same time I feel so trapped, I was afraid this would happen, I knew it would happen, and Im sure its a phase and it will pass soon enough... C'est la vie... its the life. The American dream right? Whats next? I have the house, still need a car lol.. and a job that will be more supportive than my part time coffee shop position as a barista...love that word. Hmmm.. Well, I know this probably doesnt make any sense whatsoever, but I watched Eat. Pray. Love. today, such an inspiring move, makes me miss Europe. Makes me want to be sporadic, but I wont. I never am... I will just continue to sit here in my little house, safe and stable... Why? Because thats who I am.

 Math, now there is another subject for you, not that Im changing the subject, but I am. I have despised math my entire life. I feel like everyone just wants to fix it, people dont seem to realize how much of a struggle it has been for me. Like when I would tell people last term that I was in math 10, heh.. the lowest math class possible, and I get the "No way! Youre better than that, you should test out of it." I took the test once and I tested into math 10, I'm ok with it.. then toward the end of the term, I told people I was getting an A in the class, 100% what a HUGE accomplishment for me, but then there are the people who say "Youre getting an A because you're in math 10" LOL...not! But I dont care, because they dont get it... they dont need to get it. I am who I am, and the I that I am sucks at math.. Slowly, I am learning, and thats ok..they can laugh at me all they want... So math 10, its over, done, passed with the highest grade in the class...go me! Next is math 20, makes sense right... Well, math 20 is proving to be harder...duh Mindy! Then comes the familiar voice in my head, "You can't do it, you never should have gone back to school in the first place. You're STUPID!!!" I fight with these thoughts almost on a regular basis nowadays, makes me think about why I did wait so long to go back to school...because I can't do it, the old familiar voices ring in the back of my head "You will never be good for anything more than laying on your back, thats the only way you will ever make a decent living." Those are words from my past... Ones that I have tried to bury, God has healed me of a lot of the hurt and pain from those words, but theyre still there, probably always will be... well, I fully intend to prove those people wrong, and I just hope that they can look at me in 10 years and be blown away that I did it, I made it through...because I'm sure I will, in fact, I know I will.. its just a matter of pushing through the hard times...I dont know, I guess I am rambling now...

I suppose I will wrap this up with determination, that I will make it to the end, and I will prove people wrong, I just hope theyre around to see it... Eat. Pray. Love. was an excellent movie, if you havent seen it, watch it..then maybe you will experience some of the emotions flooding over me right now... I want to go back to Europe, badly...God please provide a way! I thought about just leaving, but that would be irresponsible, and stupid..lol, but then again, I'm sure I am not the only person who has ever felt an urge to just get up and walk away... I guess it doesnt make it better that I have a bone spur that has been wreaking havoc in my right ankle and I have been on crutches for 3ish days trying to get the swelling to go down. Its slowing me down, then come all the other physical problems... I am a 25 year old divorced athsmatic with metal in my back, a bum knee from a horseback riding injury when I was 19, tendonitis in my right wrist, migrane headaches and IBS...now the bone spur in the ankle...well suck! Not to mention all of the psychological and emotional crap that tags along for the ride...PTSD, major depressive disorder, and borderline... Fun combination...not! Sometimes I sit here and think, who could love such a messed up person? Who will be able to look past my physical inflexibility, and taking up residence in the bathroom? Who will be able to comfort my random crying spells, and anxiety attacks? See? Pretty messed up huh, if there's one thing I do know, its that God loves me, He created me to be in His image, and He likes the parts about me that I dont like about myself...not too long ago, I was told that God likes my style, and that meant so much to me, to know that the Father of all creation likes MY style, granted He gave me that style, but He likes it... He see's my heart, and knows my deepest desires.. He knows my desire to rip down walls and tear through barriors.. My desire to do what people say cannot be done, and to give Him all the glory for it... So, what is the moral of these messed up ramblings from this crazy girl sitting at the computer? You tell me.