What aches my bacon?

So..it has been a while since I have blogged. Feels like there is so much going on that I just don't get the chance. Either way, I thought I would do a fun one :) Want to know what aches my bacon? If you have no idea what that means, good. It's a Mindy origional phrase! In other words, what frustrates me, or to be more literal, what is a pain in my butt through the typical day. Anyway, before we get to that a little catch up is in order. I'm 27 weeks pregnant now, in other words my baby boy will be here in 13 weeks! OMG... I am freaking out, completely. On the other hand, I am super excited...and I cant wait to see his little face and give him kisses <3 His room is still in the process, but getting finished slowly. Baby showers in the planning, and I am starting to get tired again. Welcome to the third trimester right? Anyway, my house is good, work is great..just trying to adjust to the new position which is proving to be easier than I thought, and I LOVE that my days are going so quick because there is so much to do. It's good times :) So..on to the topic shall we?

I hate it when people tailgate me on the freeway with their bright lights on. Do they not know that is super rude? And, don't even get me started on people driving slow in the fast lane on the freeway.........
Pull out in front of me then drive 10 mph slower than what I was going? Just wait until I go by, then you can drive as slow as you want. On the other hand, I hate it when people tailgate me when I go the speed limit, afterall I am not in the mood to speed all the time ;)

I don't like not having the right information at work. I clarify a lot, inquiring minds want to know. Let me not even get started on customers calling in to port a number without any information. Follow directions....its not that difficult to do :) And, if you don't pay your bill, please don't escalate to me because your phone is suspended...pay the money and we will gladly turn your phone back on. Just sayin ;)

Text me a message? I'll respond, I'm pretty good about that, unless theres some reason I am not able to or I flat out forget. Start a convo with me, please finish it. It really bugs me to be in the middle of a convo that just drops off, I promise to always let you know if I gotta go do something else, or if its too late for me and I'm going to bed. Unless I just fall asleep, in which case, it should be expected for texting me so late.. But, I will always get back to you in the morning....if I remember ;) but no, I am not hypocritical or anything lol...Oh, and if you are flat out ignoring me, spare me the curiosity...just tell me, I may be a bit butthurt but at least I will know, and can move on :)

Men...lol, here is a topic for fun..ha. I don't like games, like me? Tell me, chances are I probably like you too. If not, be prepared for me to slap it in your face and call you a creeper...jk! I kid, kid.. I try to let people down easy. If I say I don't like you, please just get over me and, wait for it...MOVE ON!!! I know, I know...blunt, but from what I hear...it works. If you're a guy and I like you, you probably know it by now...maybe you need clarification, maybe I have already shown some interest and you pretty much get it...if thats the case, DON'T LEAD ME ON. It's just not very nice. Scared? Imagine how I feel...I am in a place in my life where I am looking for the real deal, not just a fling. I am having this kid in approximately 3 months and I need a partner, someone who is going to commit, if thats not you...please don't pretend it could be. Just let me down easy and find someone else to play games with...afterall, the kid's dad is a game player and I'm OVER it :) Just sayin....not to say I am the best communicator in the world, cause frankly I kinda suck at it.. but I give it my best shot. Anyway, this blog isn't just about guys, sorry dude ;)

Side note: Both my cats are sleeping on the back of the couch right now, and its super cute :)

I am an open book, for the most part. Want to know something? Just ask..I don't bite, and I will let you know if I am not comfortable with your topic of choice or question... Want to know about baby's father, ask me. In fact, let me just clear that one up right now. I don't blame him, I am not still hurt over the situation, I am a strong woman and I know I will be ok. Yes, he got me pregnant then walked out. You want to call him a jerk, fine. Don't expect me to, I believe that he has other issues as to why he wanted nothing to do with his child. Am I going for child support? Probably not, don't judge me. I am tired of people telling me what I "should" do...don't should on me. Didn't understand that last little phrase? Say it out loud, it will click. lol. Frankly, the decisions I make in going for child support, or what relationship I end up having with the childs father, is mine to make. You want to ask questions, go for it. I will be honest with you. But, don't try to tell me what to do. On another note, I am over him. Completely, I am looking toward the future. I am looking at life in the aspect of me and my son and one very lucky guy who will get to be a part, looking back is not in the plan or picture. I am not dwelling on the past, Camden's father made a choice, there's nothing I can do to change that. Cam doesn't belong to him at all. God gave Cam to me, had baby's father wanted to be a part I of course would have been happy to have him, but he didn't. Therefore, he misses out and some other very lucky guy will get to help raise Cam as his own. Anyway, I hope that clarifies a bit for people...like I said, curious? Just ask. You won't be bringing up a sore subject. I promise :)

Other pet peeves...
Slow internet, I am not a patient person.
Long lines when I walk into Starbucks, or any fast food place or restaraunt...I go there for convenience, and again..I am not a patient person.
Football...lol, or sports in general.. Occassionally like to watch a game here or there, but when people place it above me, it really aches my bacon.
Dishes and laundry...I JUST got all that crap clean and put away, now its dirty again. lol...
Taking the garbage out...it's just a trashy job..hee hee ;)
Being too hot or too cold, not a fun way to be...especially if I can't do anything about it.

Ok..this is not a pet peeve, but more of a do and die kind of thing. Come in to my house and disrespect me, my baby (when he comes), or either of my animals and you can consider us no longer friends...Stuff is stuff, but abuse or being mean to my animals is not ok. Have a problem with cats? Let me know ahead of time, I will put them in the back room so you don't have to see them...

So...let me just say, that this stuff is not necessarily based off anything that has or hasn't happened, Im just throwing it all out there for fun. Like, I haven't ever had someone be mean to my cats :) Its just one of those things to throw on the list :) I hope you have enjoyed this slightly sarcastic, fun blog. Be safe out there!

So little time

I can't concentrate. I feel like I haven't been able to put out any good writings since I got pregnant....Baby boy is sucking my brain cells away I think.lol... either way, then there's all the emotions which makes me really want to blog it out, but its more of a big ball of emotional mess... therefore, I haven't written anything in what feels like forever, and what I did write was just all depressing and corupt. I feel so overwhelmed right now, there is only 17 weeks left until baby boy is born..it feels like my pregnancy is flying by, and my belly is growing everyday makes it much more real. It's exciting, but also scary. I don't know how I am going to support a baby as well. God is already providing though, I got a promotion at work which is wonderful, at this point, unless God miraculously provides a large sum of money very soon I will only be able to take a 2-3 week maternity leave. I really want to stay home for the full 12 weeks, but this is where it comes down to necessity versus want. Most people would tell me that it's what I get for getting pregnant outside of marriage, or a relationship even. Of courese, I was in a relationship when this happened. I can't help it that he is leaving and doesn't want anything to do with me or his son. I know that God will take care of me and baby boy, and I know that being a single mom is not an easy thing to do, and that this is the "consequence" of my actions, but I think no matter what the circumstances, that mother and baby need that 12 weeks at least to bond and just be together....It saddens my heart that I may not get that full time with my precious baby boy. Don't get me wrong here, I am not complaining, nor am I trying to have a pity party. Just stating my feelings,..this is how I process. How I get through another day, and keep moving forward, by getting it all off my chest. If you don't like it... there's no need for you to continue reading. Just saying... I say that disclaimer, because it seems not everyone understands why I blog. Anyway, enough about that. I had another ultrasound. It was precious, baby boy is still head down. He is getting more precious every day, yesterday he had the hiccups almost all day lol. It made me smile :) I am getting more and more excited everyday to meet my baby boy. I know that God has a call on his life, even at this point. He is going to be a huge light in my world <3 I am already so in love with my child. On a different note, I really can't wait until he comes out so I can have sushi lol. Aside from all that, Christmas shopping is all done, gifts are wrapped, my house is clean, and life is overall good. I know that I have a lot of reasons to be mad or upset at the world, but life is generally good. I love my job, I own my house, I have a loving and supportive family, and I am being blessed with the best gift any woman could ever receive. Its just a matter of remembering the good things in life outweigh the bad, and knowing that eventhough I have to do this alone. That God will provide, therefore, I guess I'm not really alone afterall. Such is life. People don't always understand why I say that about things such as my childs father walking out. Well, the way I see it is that he and I weren't meant to be together, and God will bring someone into my life who will be better for me. He will bring someone into my, and my sons life who will love and care for us both. Someone who will treat us right, someone who will be pivotal in the generations. Someone who my son will love as a father, and someone I will be passionate about and give my whole heart to. At this point, its just a matter of waiting for that someone... in the mean time, I will continue to blog my sadness, frustration, love, happiness, joy, grief, and all my other emotions. I will continue to wait, and enjoy this time that God has provided for me and my baby boy. I will enjoy my career, and my cats :) I suppose thats all for now. Blessings.

.......nameless

This isnt how it was supposed to be. Alone. Afraid. Awaiting a prince who may never come. Carrying the child of a man who wants nothing to do with it. Disconnected from a loving God who does care. 'Friends' who dont really care. People who say they care but dont. No one reaches out. The energy is gone. There is no chemistry anymore. Judgements come from all angles. Life is sad. Hopeless. Strength has left. Rapid cycling with no way to ease the symptoms. Winter is difficult. Depression strikes half the world, the northern half. Connection is needed. So desperately desiring to be connected. There has to be someone who needs the same. In a season of thankfulness and joy, life is bittersweet. There has to be some way to stop this madness. There is no joy in the joyfulness of life. Mornings are better. Keep pushing through. Just go to bed and life will look better in the morning. It rarely does. Home is lonely. At least there are people at work. One more day. Then it will be the weekend. This feeling is terrible. Its not how life was supposed to turn out. Planning never worked out. Go with the flow. Easier said than done. One day at at time. This too shall pass. Cliche. Such is life...

Reflections

She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.

What is love, that it should love another?

I thought of you today, but thats no suprise. I think of you every day....at least once a day. My heart has been breaking for nearly 3 years now. You love me, then you pull away. The distance is ever so painful, and each time its the same. It makes me wonder if you will ever live up to who God created you to be, but I know thats the devil planting lies in my mind. I have cried over you, prayed for you, cried out to God on your behalf, I have loved you, and been scared for you. Never have I loved another so much. The distance between us, makes me feel like the gap will never be closed. It hurts every time I hear those words, and every time I dont. We both know the truth. Why, couldnt we just be together from the beginning? Life isnt perfect, thats why. Because when sin entered the world, it created hoops we have to jump through. I know you can jump through this one. I know you can be who you are supposed to be. I know that I can do the same, though I have beat this one, there are others that stand in my way. Dont think I am without fault. God is working on my heart as well. He is  molding me, shaping me, and strengthening me. He is showing me how to have patience, perseverence and love beyond what anyone could ever know. I am sorry that I made a decision to not wait. I should have, but now I am bringing a life into this world. I am doing it alone. This is never how it was supposed to be, but God has a plan. I still wait. I wait for you, in due time God will bring us together...God has made us with eachother in mind. I know the struggles you face, I faced them too. I know that you have the strength through God to overcome! I believe in you, even if you dont believe in yourself. Even if you feel you're at the end of your line. I believe that you can do it. I have never lost so much sleep over one person. I have been dreaming about you lately, dreaming that you and I were finally united in His perfect timing. I know that God keeps his promises, quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. Every day without you just seems longer, and lonlier. I feel like there is no end in sight. But, I keep pushing forward because its better to wait for His plan, than it is to settle for something that isnt right. There is a saying that says "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If it doesnt, it was never yours in the first place." I have let go, many times. I have had to. Each time you return its sweeter, but each time you part its harder. This time, I have let you go. I am just waiting for your next move. Whatever that may be, its up to you.... Because I am still here, waiting, wishing, hoping, and working on my program and walk with Christ. Trying to do the next right thing. Still thinking of you every day, and still waiting. God has a plan, maybe its you...maybe its not. For right now, I cant imagine anyone else... So, I continue to wait. He will either bring someone who will take my mind off you, or He will lead you in the way you are to go. Either way, I love you. I always have, and I probably always will. God be with you, and I will continue to pray, love, and hope for His plan to come into play. Blessings.

Table for one...

It had been a long day. As she slid in the booth in the back corner of a busy restaraunt on a Friday night. She set her belongings by her side and picked up the menu, she ordered her dinner and waited for it to be served. As she waited she looked around, the place was full of groups and couples..what more could you expect on a Friday night? She was saddened by the thought that she was there alone. She didnt have a group or date, she sat alone. Tired from the day she began to gaze into space and think about the recent events and how she ended up where she is this evening, alone, at a restaraunt. She thought of how just weeks ago she learned of the child she was growing in her belly. She thought of the supportive people, and the ones who's words hurt. She focused on them for a minute. They would say things to her like she was not a good christian, and how could she let this happen, what was she thinking. They would tell her she needed to "get right with God" before she went another day living in sin. All condemning and hurtful words. Who were they to tell her what she needed to do? They never walked in her shoes! They never knew the painful ache of having once had a relationship in marriage and that now being gone, they never knew the pain of waiting for that call to go sell their bodies for money. They didnt know the pain she felt, they didnt know the life she walked, knowing that for the rest of her days her body would be out there for all to see. They didnt know what that felt like, so who were they to judge her for the actions she made? Who were they to tell her what she needs to do or how to live her life? How did they know?

She knew that she had made a mistake, one that got her to this point with a baby growing inside of her. She knew that she needed to work on her walk with Christ, she knew what she needed to do. But she wasnt strong enough to do anything more than take baby steps, and she was! She was slowly healing from the decisions she made that led her here to this place. They didnt get that having a baby would be a healing experience for her, because for so long she mourned the loss of her son. They didnt get that this child would bring purpose and meaning to her life, they didnt get that this child would give her something to live for, something else to focus on. She needed this baby. Obviously she needed this baby or God wouldnt have given it to her.

She thought back to the times she was with the father of the child, how he would sweet talk to her. How he would say things like how much he loved her, and how much he cared. She thought about how quickly those words changed when she let him know that she was expecting. The hurtful words he used, the distance he so quickly drew between them, and the painful feelings she felt from him. She felt used and abandoned, when all she was looking for is someone to take care of her in the first place. The ever returning sinking feeling of being alone forever washed over her. She felt so scared, scared that she had to do this alone. It isnt the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happily married before bringing a child into this world. Life doesnt happen the way we want it to, she thought.

She continued to think about life and where she was, she thought about the things God was in the process of teaching her. She thought about how God was showing her that she didnt have to be perfect in order to be loved by him. She had felt her whole life that she had to "arrive" at a certain point before all of her dreams would come true. She had felt that she was supposed to act, look, and dress a certain way before anyone could love her. Now that she was going to have a baby, she would never arrive. She could never live up to the expectations people set for her. She could never live up to the way people wanted her to act. She would never be good enough for anyone, let alone the God of the universe. But in the still of the night, He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He was showing her that she didnt have to be this person she had made up in her mind she had to become. God was showing her how to be broken, how to be imperfect. He was showing her how to love, when no one loved her. He was showing her how to be his arms and feet. That she didnt need to live a perfect life to speak into someone elses. That the past was the past, and He didnt care about the past, only where she went from this point forward. He was teaching her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, when she never felt it because of what people said about or to her. Her life was full of people's hurtful words. She really just wondered when people would stop. She wished everyone were as loving as some people. But life isnt perfect-

She was snapped back to the moment in time when her server brought dinner. She decided maybe it was best to finish her meal, despite the bizzare looks she was getting from other people around, and leave the deep thoughts and figurings of life for another day. She decided that in the end, it all came down to one thing and one thing only. What God see's in her, not what people see in her. Because people are imperfect, but God is perfect love, the creator of the universe is the only one she should be trying to impress...

picking up the pieces...

I suppose its time to get back into this whole writing thing...er blogging thing. Anyway, tomorrow I start back at Consumer, I'm excited to go back. Aside from that, I have been hiking like mad, and Gram and I are in training to hike Mt. St, Helens..I cant wait! Lets see, its been so long since I have written a blog I feel like I am out of touch with my creative writing side. I cleaned house today, deep cleaned...I never let my house get too messy. Not really sure when or how I became a clean freak...maybe because I dont have cable, and I like a clean place...oh well. What else.. life is good, I was thinking the other day. The question that comes to mind is how did I become who I am today? How did I become the girl my mom warned me about when I was younger? What I mean by that is, I am the girl guys want to have sex with, not a relationship. This recently came to my attention when about 4 different guys said they wanted a relationship with me then the first time we were alone they tried to jump in bed with me. Well, then theres the few that just flat out asked me if they could sleep with me, no strings attached. Yeah, I am weak sometimes, but God gave me the strength to hold out...except for one. oops... I am not perfect, in fact far from it. I think the enemy attacks me in this area because of my past. What I used to do for a living makes me an easy target I guess.. well, new rule. If a guy wants to date me, he has to go through an interview with my stepdad :) lol...yeah, I am going to that length! Then they have to get approval from him, he doesnt approve, I dont date them! So keep that in mind guys ;) anyway, my mom was saying that as women we put off a vibe that says either "Im down to have sex" or "Touch me and die" lol...I guess, from my conclusion I have been putting off the wrong vibe. hmm... food for thought, how can I change this image? (Thats a rhetorical question) Do I dress super slutty? (another rhetorical question)...I think that I am going to have to do some soul searching on this topic. On another note, I definitely need to do the next right thing. Which, by the way, is my definition of worship. Most people look at worship as something you do in church, others say its time and money, others say its singing, or all of the above. In my mind, worship=doing the next right thing. No matter what the circumstances. Now, obviously we as humans, myself especially, dont always do the next right thing. For me, its about when I realize I have done the wrong thing, picking up the pieces and doing the next right thing. How's that for a definition? I like it :) my goodness, I am jumping from topic to topic... I got thirsty the other night, first time in a long time that has happened to me. It only lasted a minute, thank goodness. Then today while I was at lunch I ran into a fellow aa, and gave him a hug. He's an old timer with a lot of time under his belt. I think tomorrow night I'll go to CR, even if I have to be late. Next week I plan to pick up at least one meeting. Hopefully, course we have been hiking a lot, and need to do more. Hopefully 2 hikes next week. Well, 2 a week until we summit Mt. St. Helens for that matter. Thats the goal anyway. Okay, one more topic for the evening then I'm off here :) I was thinking the other day about how dependent we are on our cell phones. Did you know there was a study done recently? It showed that people who were without their cell phones for, I think 3 days, had the same feelings of a person who had been kidnapped!! Can you believe that? I can...So, here was my thought. How dependent we are on our cell phones vs. how dependent we are on the bible. I never leave the house without my phone, and if I do, I feel incomplete, and lost. However, I leave my bible home all the time! How much different, how much stronger would our walk be if we depended on our bibles as much as we depend on our cell phones? I guess thats just another tidbit of food for thought. Overall, life is good right now. I need to change some things, recent choices led me to this place of isolation from God, and I am just trying to find my way back to his arms right now. I am just tired of the cycle. I dont know, I guess right now I just needed to word vomit all over my blog...Its time to pick up the pieces of my life, and get back to a place where I know I am supposed to be... C'est la vie...