So little time

I can't concentrate. I feel like I haven't been able to put out any good writings since I got pregnant....Baby boy is sucking my brain cells away I think.lol... either way, then there's all the emotions which makes me really want to blog it out, but its more of a big ball of emotional mess... therefore, I haven't written anything in what feels like forever, and what I did write was just all depressing and corupt. I feel so overwhelmed right now, there is only 17 weeks left until baby boy is born..it feels like my pregnancy is flying by, and my belly is growing everyday makes it much more real. It's exciting, but also scary. I don't know how I am going to support a baby as well. God is already providing though, I got a promotion at work which is wonderful, at this point, unless God miraculously provides a large sum of money very soon I will only be able to take a 2-3 week maternity leave. I really want to stay home for the full 12 weeks, but this is where it comes down to necessity versus want. Most people would tell me that it's what I get for getting pregnant outside of marriage, or a relationship even. Of courese, I was in a relationship when this happened. I can't help it that he is leaving and doesn't want anything to do with me or his son. I know that God will take care of me and baby boy, and I know that being a single mom is not an easy thing to do, and that this is the "consequence" of my actions, but I think no matter what the circumstances, that mother and baby need that 12 weeks at least to bond and just be together....It saddens my heart that I may not get that full time with my precious baby boy. Don't get me wrong here, I am not complaining, nor am I trying to have a pity party. Just stating my feelings,..this is how I process. How I get through another day, and keep moving forward, by getting it all off my chest. If you don't like it... there's no need for you to continue reading. Just saying... I say that disclaimer, because it seems not everyone understands why I blog. Anyway, enough about that. I had another ultrasound. It was precious, baby boy is still head down. He is getting more precious every day, yesterday he had the hiccups almost all day lol. It made me smile :) I am getting more and more excited everyday to meet my baby boy. I know that God has a call on his life, even at this point. He is going to be a huge light in my world <3 I am already so in love with my child. On a different note, I really can't wait until he comes out so I can have sushi lol. Aside from all that, Christmas shopping is all done, gifts are wrapped, my house is clean, and life is overall good. I know that I have a lot of reasons to be mad or upset at the world, but life is generally good. I love my job, I own my house, I have a loving and supportive family, and I am being blessed with the best gift any woman could ever receive. Its just a matter of remembering the good things in life outweigh the bad, and knowing that eventhough I have to do this alone. That God will provide, therefore, I guess I'm not really alone afterall. Such is life. People don't always understand why I say that about things such as my childs father walking out. Well, the way I see it is that he and I weren't meant to be together, and God will bring someone into my life who will be better for me. He will bring someone into my, and my sons life who will love and care for us both. Someone who will treat us right, someone who will be pivotal in the generations. Someone who my son will love as a father, and someone I will be passionate about and give my whole heart to. At this point, its just a matter of waiting for that someone... in the mean time, I will continue to blog my sadness, frustration, love, happiness, joy, grief, and all my other emotions. I will continue to wait, and enjoy this time that God has provided for me and my baby boy. I will enjoy my career, and my cats :) I suppose thats all for now. Blessings.

.......nameless

This isnt how it was supposed to be. Alone. Afraid. Awaiting a prince who may never come. Carrying the child of a man who wants nothing to do with it. Disconnected from a loving God who does care. 'Friends' who dont really care. People who say they care but dont. No one reaches out. The energy is gone. There is no chemistry anymore. Judgements come from all angles. Life is sad. Hopeless. Strength has left. Rapid cycling with no way to ease the symptoms. Winter is difficult. Depression strikes half the world, the northern half. Connection is needed. So desperately desiring to be connected. There has to be someone who needs the same. In a season of thankfulness and joy, life is bittersweet. There has to be some way to stop this madness. There is no joy in the joyfulness of life. Mornings are better. Keep pushing through. Just go to bed and life will look better in the morning. It rarely does. Home is lonely. At least there are people at work. One more day. Then it will be the weekend. This feeling is terrible. Its not how life was supposed to turn out. Planning never worked out. Go with the flow. Easier said than done. One day at at time. This too shall pass. Cliche. Such is life...

Reflections

She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.

What is love, that it should love another?

I thought of you today, but thats no suprise. I think of you every day....at least once a day. My heart has been breaking for nearly 3 years now. You love me, then you pull away. The distance is ever so painful, and each time its the same. It makes me wonder if you will ever live up to who God created you to be, but I know thats the devil planting lies in my mind. I have cried over you, prayed for you, cried out to God on your behalf, I have loved you, and been scared for you. Never have I loved another so much. The distance between us, makes me feel like the gap will never be closed. It hurts every time I hear those words, and every time I dont. We both know the truth. Why, couldnt we just be together from the beginning? Life isnt perfect, thats why. Because when sin entered the world, it created hoops we have to jump through. I know you can jump through this one. I know you can be who you are supposed to be. I know that I can do the same, though I have beat this one, there are others that stand in my way. Dont think I am without fault. God is working on my heart as well. He is  molding me, shaping me, and strengthening me. He is showing me how to have patience, perseverence and love beyond what anyone could ever know. I am sorry that I made a decision to not wait. I should have, but now I am bringing a life into this world. I am doing it alone. This is never how it was supposed to be, but God has a plan. I still wait. I wait for you, in due time God will bring us together...God has made us with eachother in mind. I know the struggles you face, I faced them too. I know that you have the strength through God to overcome! I believe in you, even if you dont believe in yourself. Even if you feel you're at the end of your line. I believe that you can do it. I have never lost so much sleep over one person. I have been dreaming about you lately, dreaming that you and I were finally united in His perfect timing. I know that God keeps his promises, quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. Every day without you just seems longer, and lonlier. I feel like there is no end in sight. But, I keep pushing forward because its better to wait for His plan, than it is to settle for something that isnt right. There is a saying that says "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If it doesnt, it was never yours in the first place." I have let go, many times. I have had to. Each time you return its sweeter, but each time you part its harder. This time, I have let you go. I am just waiting for your next move. Whatever that may be, its up to you.... Because I am still here, waiting, wishing, hoping, and working on my program and walk with Christ. Trying to do the next right thing. Still thinking of you every day, and still waiting. God has a plan, maybe its you...maybe its not. For right now, I cant imagine anyone else... So, I continue to wait. He will either bring someone who will take my mind off you, or He will lead you in the way you are to go. Either way, I love you. I always have, and I probably always will. God be with you, and I will continue to pray, love, and hope for His plan to come into play. Blessings.

Table for one...

It had been a long day. As she slid in the booth in the back corner of a busy restaraunt on a Friday night. She set her belongings by her side and picked up the menu, she ordered her dinner and waited for it to be served. As she waited she looked around, the place was full of groups and couples..what more could you expect on a Friday night? She was saddened by the thought that she was there alone. She didnt have a group or date, she sat alone. Tired from the day she began to gaze into space and think about the recent events and how she ended up where she is this evening, alone, at a restaraunt. She thought of how just weeks ago she learned of the child she was growing in her belly. She thought of the supportive people, and the ones who's words hurt. She focused on them for a minute. They would say things to her like she was not a good christian, and how could she let this happen, what was she thinking. They would tell her she needed to "get right with God" before she went another day living in sin. All condemning and hurtful words. Who were they to tell her what she needed to do? They never walked in her shoes! They never knew the painful ache of having once had a relationship in marriage and that now being gone, they never knew the pain of waiting for that call to go sell their bodies for money. They didnt know the pain she felt, they didnt know the life she walked, knowing that for the rest of her days her body would be out there for all to see. They didnt know what that felt like, so who were they to judge her for the actions she made? Who were they to tell her what she needs to do or how to live her life? How did they know?

She knew that she had made a mistake, one that got her to this point with a baby growing inside of her. She knew that she needed to work on her walk with Christ, she knew what she needed to do. But she wasnt strong enough to do anything more than take baby steps, and she was! She was slowly healing from the decisions she made that led her here to this place. They didnt get that having a baby would be a healing experience for her, because for so long she mourned the loss of her son. They didnt get that this child would bring purpose and meaning to her life, they didnt get that this child would give her something to live for, something else to focus on. She needed this baby. Obviously she needed this baby or God wouldnt have given it to her.

She thought back to the times she was with the father of the child, how he would sweet talk to her. How he would say things like how much he loved her, and how much he cared. She thought about how quickly those words changed when she let him know that she was expecting. The hurtful words he used, the distance he so quickly drew between them, and the painful feelings she felt from him. She felt used and abandoned, when all she was looking for is someone to take care of her in the first place. The ever returning sinking feeling of being alone forever washed over her. She felt so scared, scared that she had to do this alone. It isnt the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happily married before bringing a child into this world. Life doesnt happen the way we want it to, she thought.

She continued to think about life and where she was, she thought about the things God was in the process of teaching her. She thought about how God was showing her that she didnt have to be perfect in order to be loved by him. She had felt her whole life that she had to "arrive" at a certain point before all of her dreams would come true. She had felt that she was supposed to act, look, and dress a certain way before anyone could love her. Now that she was going to have a baby, she would never arrive. She could never live up to the expectations people set for her. She could never live up to the way people wanted her to act. She would never be good enough for anyone, let alone the God of the universe. But in the still of the night, He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He was showing her that she didnt have to be this person she had made up in her mind she had to become. God was showing her how to be broken, how to be imperfect. He was showing her how to love, when no one loved her. He was showing her how to be his arms and feet. That she didnt need to live a perfect life to speak into someone elses. That the past was the past, and He didnt care about the past, only where she went from this point forward. He was teaching her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, when she never felt it because of what people said about or to her. Her life was full of people's hurtful words. She really just wondered when people would stop. She wished everyone were as loving as some people. But life isnt perfect-

She was snapped back to the moment in time when her server brought dinner. She decided maybe it was best to finish her meal, despite the bizzare looks she was getting from other people around, and leave the deep thoughts and figurings of life for another day. She decided that in the end, it all came down to one thing and one thing only. What God see's in her, not what people see in her. Because people are imperfect, but God is perfect love, the creator of the universe is the only one she should be trying to impress...

picking up the pieces...

I suppose its time to get back into this whole writing thing...er blogging thing. Anyway, tomorrow I start back at Consumer, I'm excited to go back. Aside from that, I have been hiking like mad, and Gram and I are in training to hike Mt. St, Helens..I cant wait! Lets see, its been so long since I have written a blog I feel like I am out of touch with my creative writing side. I cleaned house today, deep cleaned...I never let my house get too messy. Not really sure when or how I became a clean freak...maybe because I dont have cable, and I like a clean place...oh well. What else.. life is good, I was thinking the other day. The question that comes to mind is how did I become who I am today? How did I become the girl my mom warned me about when I was younger? What I mean by that is, I am the girl guys want to have sex with, not a relationship. This recently came to my attention when about 4 different guys said they wanted a relationship with me then the first time we were alone they tried to jump in bed with me. Well, then theres the few that just flat out asked me if they could sleep with me, no strings attached. Yeah, I am weak sometimes, but God gave me the strength to hold out...except for one. oops... I am not perfect, in fact far from it. I think the enemy attacks me in this area because of my past. What I used to do for a living makes me an easy target I guess.. well, new rule. If a guy wants to date me, he has to go through an interview with my stepdad :) lol...yeah, I am going to that length! Then they have to get approval from him, he doesnt approve, I dont date them! So keep that in mind guys ;) anyway, my mom was saying that as women we put off a vibe that says either "Im down to have sex" or "Touch me and die" lol...I guess, from my conclusion I have been putting off the wrong vibe. hmm... food for thought, how can I change this image? (Thats a rhetorical question) Do I dress super slutty? (another rhetorical question)...I think that I am going to have to do some soul searching on this topic. On another note, I definitely need to do the next right thing. Which, by the way, is my definition of worship. Most people look at worship as something you do in church, others say its time and money, others say its singing, or all of the above. In my mind, worship=doing the next right thing. No matter what the circumstances. Now, obviously we as humans, myself especially, dont always do the next right thing. For me, its about when I realize I have done the wrong thing, picking up the pieces and doing the next right thing. How's that for a definition? I like it :) my goodness, I am jumping from topic to topic... I got thirsty the other night, first time in a long time that has happened to me. It only lasted a minute, thank goodness. Then today while I was at lunch I ran into a fellow aa, and gave him a hug. He's an old timer with a lot of time under his belt. I think tomorrow night I'll go to CR, even if I have to be late. Next week I plan to pick up at least one meeting. Hopefully, course we have been hiking a lot, and need to do more. Hopefully 2 hikes next week. Well, 2 a week until we summit Mt. St. Helens for that matter. Thats the goal anyway. Okay, one more topic for the evening then I'm off here :) I was thinking the other day about how dependent we are on our cell phones. Did you know there was a study done recently? It showed that people who were without their cell phones for, I think 3 days, had the same feelings of a person who had been kidnapped!! Can you believe that? I can...So, here was my thought. How dependent we are on our cell phones vs. how dependent we are on the bible. I never leave the house without my phone, and if I do, I feel incomplete, and lost. However, I leave my bible home all the time! How much different, how much stronger would our walk be if we depended on our bibles as much as we depend on our cell phones? I guess thats just another tidbit of food for thought. Overall, life is good right now. I need to change some things, recent choices led me to this place of isolation from God, and I am just trying to find my way back to his arms right now. I am just tired of the cycle. I dont know, I guess right now I just needed to word vomit all over my blog...Its time to pick up the pieces of my life, and get back to a place where I know I am supposed to be... C'est la vie...

Late night ride... c/1

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

She set down her book, walked quietly over to the door. She turned the deadbolt and it clicked into the unlocked position. She turned the knob and slowly, gently, and quitely opened the door. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his face. He was standing there, so cool and collected. His jet black hair, spiked on his head, his dark grey tee, with stylish jeans, leather jacket, and a helmet snug up under his arm.
"Hey." He said, in a quiet gentle tone with a sly smile on his face.
"Hey." She returned with a smirk on her face and in her voice.

They had known eachother for some time now, he worked in a different department, but he smiled at her everytime he was in her area, or she was in his, and every time, her heart skipped a beat. Her face felt hot as if to say 'I'm bright red! Look at me!' It always embarrassed her, she wished her face wouldnt be so obnoxiously rebellious in its color. She couldnt help it though, she knew that there was more between them than a casual 'hi', or 'how are you today' every so often. She was ready to find out about this mystery guy. What was he all about, anyway?

He was nervous. His stomache in a knot, 'what if she doesnt like me after tonight' he thought to himself. He always tried to find reasons to go into her department at work, just so he could say hi. She was so beautiful! He swallowed back the nervous lump in his throat, took off his helmet and put down the kick stand on his BMW sports bike he loved that bike. He had been riding since he was 6 years old, and had finally gotten his dream bike only months prior, but he already knew how to handle it. As he stood and swung his leg over the seat to stand, he felt almost weak in the knees. This girl did that to him, and he loved it. As he moved slowly up the stairs to her apartment, he replayed their conversation from earlier in his mind. Him asking if she would like to go out for a late night ride, her smile in agreement, he was thrilled. He approached her door, and gave it a knock. He waited, and then heard the click of the door unlock, as she opened it from the other side, he saw her standing there, with a smirk on her face. She was not just beautiful, she was gorgeous! Her long wavy blonde hair fell perfectly into place, her deep blue eyes, and amazing smile, and oh her freckles! They drove him crazy. She was perfect in her looks, and her personality, she was sweet. He greeted her
"Hey." He could feel a sly smile creeping on his face.
"Hey." She said with a smirk, on her beautiful face.

She invited him inside, as she thought to herself 'he is actually here! He really came...' She figured he would come in, they would chat, then go on this late night ride he had promised her...of course it was already 10 P.M. She really wasnt sure what direction she should go with the timeframe, but she didnt care. It was friday night, she could sleep in the morning. All that mattered at that moment is him being there with her, thats all she cared about. Nothing else mattered, not even if they actually went for that ride or not. What he did next suprised her some. He got this look in his eye, a twinkle, that said 'I have something wonderful planned.' Next he grabbed her hand and gently pulled her out the door, it closed behind her, then he led her down the stairs, to his bike. She smiled as he handed her a helmet and helped her put it on, then gently tighten the strap. She liked the way he was so gentle with her, it was almost like he thought he would break her, she liked it. He said to her the words she would remember for the rest of her life...
"Are you ready ride with me?" She nodded and climbed on behind him, she liked the feel of his back to her front as she wrapped her arms around him to hold tight. He felt strong, and she felt safe probably for the first time in her life. Before he backed out of the parking space, she looked up at the sky, stars were everywhere! Like someone had sprinkled glitter in the dark, night sky. It was a beautiful moment in time. In a moment they were off.

He stood there looking her over for a minute, when she invited him in for a moment. He hesitated in her beauty, then went for it. He gently snatched up her hand, being careful not to be too rough. He wanted her to like him afterall, what girl would like a guy who was rough? Probably not a single one. He led her quickly but gently down the stairs and looked back to see her door close behind her, and her long blonde hair flowing. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get over her beauty. He led her to his bike, and handed her the helmet he had bought earlier that day, just for her to use. This would be the first time he had taken a passenger on his bike, and this one, oh such precious cargo she is. He wanted to make sure she would be safe and protected, so he bought the best helmet he could find. He helped her put it on, as he did his hand brushed over her hair, it was so soft and smoothe. As he tightened the helmet strap for her, the back of his hand came to her jawline, her skin was so flawless. She seemed perfect in every way. Once he was sure her helmet was on correctly, and she would be safe he looked her in the eye and said
"Are you ready to ride with me?" He watched as she smiled, nodded and climbed on behind him. She wrapped her delicate arms around him, he liked the feel of her against him. He had to make sure he drove extra careful tonight, he didnt want to do anything wrong, anything stupid, with such a priceless girl with him. With a sigh of hope, he backed out of the parking space and they were off.

As they rode through the dark of night, she felt so special. She loved the way their bodies seemed to move as one. The way they leaned together. She knew if she just followed his lead she would be okay. She wasnt sure where they were going exactly, but she didnt care. He was in charge, and she was happy to be there with him.

He had the perfect spot picked out. He had been there a few times before, but only by himself to think or pray after the initial time, when his sister showed him the spot. Never had he taken anyone to his secret spot, he didnt think it would be right, but now, with her, it seemed ok. He wanted to take her there, he wanted the night to be special, one she would never forget. He didnt want to mess this up! Afterall, she had already said yes. He just wanted to show her the best time he could. Every turn, he was careful. He had to be careful! He wouldnt mind crashing if it were just himself, but with her on behind, he couldnt, wouldnt crash this bike! He felt her snuggle in a little closer, and wrap her arms a little tighter, he liked that. He liked feeling her take his lead in which way to lean. Feeling their bodies move as one, was a great feeling. As they arrived at his secret lookout destination, he pulled up carefully. Parked, gently put the kickstand down and clicked off the engine. He felt her release her grip on him, and step off the bike. He followed behind her. They both removed their helmets, he thought he would take a chance once again, he gently reached for her soft hand and led her to the edge of the lookout, they sat on the bench there. She looked out, but he had seen it before, his eyes were on her. He watched her take a deep breath, and exhale, as if she were in a deep moment of thought. She turned to him.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." He usually didnt want to talk about his sister, but he felt comfortable sharing with her. He wanted her to know everything, but he certainly didnt want to scare her away. So he stuck with small talk at first.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now."
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." He was suprised at her openess, but welcomed it. He wanted to know everything about her. He was sad for her son though. He couldnt imagine how hard that must be to lose a child.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" He replied as he looked into her eyes. Deep blue and beautiful, he could see the pain inside her though. It was clear she was deeply hurt by the loss of her unborn child.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."

As he listened to her talk he responded, they jumped from topic to topic, slowly discussing their lives. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. He didnt pay attention to the time. They were conversing intently with eachother, learning the details of eachothers lives.

She didnt want to let go when he slowed to a stop and clicked off the engine. She held on just a moment longer, hoping he wouldn't think she was weird for holding him close a second longer. She loosed her grip on him, and dismounted the bike. She loved riding with him. She watched him step off, and remove his helmet. She did the same. He then gently took hold of her hand, and butterflies hit her stomach! He was holding her hand and that made her insides want to jump for joy, but she calmly followed his lead to the bench. As she sat down, she looked out over the city lights. They were beautiful! She took a deep breath, thinking of Gods magnificent creations, and the beauty of the simplicity of city lights. She exhaled and turned to him, the thought lingering in her mind.
"This is so beautiful. How did you find it?" She said in a quiet voice.
"My sister brought me here once, before she passed away. I come here to think and pray." She saw the pain in his eyes as he shared the words. She could see that he had loved his sister very much, and she could see the scar left on his heart. She felt bad for bringing it up, so she quickly apologized.
"Oh, I am so sorry about your sister. I didnt know-"
"Thats okay, I have processed a lot. She is in heaven now." As he quickly retorted, she thought of her own son in heaven, it was so hard losing him before she even had the chance to know him. If there was one thing she did know, it was the hurt and pain of losing someone. The tears that came with it, were sometimes unbearable.
"I have a son in heaven, lost him before he was born. Maybe they know eachother." She didnt know why she was telling him this, other than to let him know he was not alone in grief. She rarely brought up her son, it seemed to make people uncomfortable, but he seemed to understand. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that other people who were grieving the loss of a loved one were not afraid or uncomfortable in talking about their loved ones, or her son.
"I'm sorry about that. I cant imagine what thats like" His words were so gentle, and comforting. She appreciated his compassion. No judgement, just true compassion in his voice. Since she was not a married gal, people were often quick to pass judegement. He was different.
"Its okay, it wasnt part of Gods plan for me to have my son. Besides that, he will never know the hurt of this world, which really is the ultimate gift for him, and the prayer of every mother. That their children will know no pain or suffering. My child is blessed...."

They kept talking, moving from topic to topic. She learned about him, and she shared about herself. She enjoyed the time so much with him that she forgot about the time. He seemed to be intent on talking with her, and she was having such a great time, she didnt care that the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes turned to hours.... She felt a small chill run down her spine, it felt colder out than it had before. She looked out over the city, and realized the sky was lighter than it had been in the distance. Was the sun really rising already!? Did they really just stay out and talk all night? She didnt want to leave, she wanted to stay and talk with him for days! She knew that their time was coming to an end..

He caught her shiver, though it looked like she tried to hide it. He noticed the air seemed cool and crisp. It felt much colder than it had before. He watched her look out at the view, he looked out, if only to follow her lead. Was it getting light out? The sky seemed to be brighter from afar. He checked his watch, and sure enough! They had been there all night long, talking. He couldnt believe he let the time get away from him. He was thrilled that they had spent so much time together, but he knew she must be ready for bed. How rude of himself to keep her out all night! He thought, maybe he should get her home. He looked at her again, taking in the beauty of her face and long blonde hair as if it would be the last time he would see her. He knew he needed to stop stalling, how irresponsible of him. What would she think of him now, keeping her out. He only hoped she had good enough time to want to see him again.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked in a sheepish, and almost embarrassed tone.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." She replied with a gentle smile on her face.

She hoped he wouldnt catch her shiver, so she adjusted in an attempt to disguise it. He looked out at the sky, she looked back at him. She caught him glancing at his watch, she knew that their time was ending. Looking at the watch was always a sure sign. She was tired, but she had such a wonderful time. He looked tired though, she looked into his deep brown eyes. For a moment she looked straight into his soul, at that moment, she knew beyond a shadown of a doubt that he was a good guy. He looked almost as if he were ashamed.
"Well, shall we get you home?" He asked. She wanted to say no! She didnt want their time to end. She wanted to ask him to put his arm around her and stay a little longer. She also wanted to be respectful of his time.
"I suppose that might be appropriate." Was her answer, in hopes that he would change his mind and watch the sunrise with her. Instead he stood and held out his hand, she smiled, placed her hand in his. He felt so stong, yet so gentle. She felt so secure when her hand was in his. She stood, and they walked back to the bike together. They put on their helmets, and climbed on the bike. He started the engine, and she wrapped her arms around him, afterall, she had to hold on so she wouldnt fall off, right? She tightened her grip just a little when he eased on the throttle, and they pulled away from this beautiful spot.

He really wished she would have asked to stay and watch the sunset, but he felt as though he had already kept her out late enough. With her answer, he pushed to his feet, and held his hand hoping she would take it. She slid her hand in his as she lifted herself to stand. He let her take the lead back to the bike, watching her blonde hair. He was enthralled with her beauty. He climbed on the bike, after they both secured their helmets. She clibmbed on after. As he started the engine he felt her arms slide around his waist, he liked that feeling. He gently pulled the throttle back and rode away from the lookout. The drive back to her apartment seemed to be too quick! He wanted her to stay just a little longer, holding tight to him. As he pulled into the same parking space as before, he wished the night were not over. The sun was now in the sky and casting shadows all around. The air was clean and fresh. He left the engine on for just a few seconds, hoping she would not release her grip. Then he clicked it off, they both stepped off the bike.
"Let me walk you to your door." He asked in a statemtent fasion.
"Thank you." She replied as she handed him the helmet that had protected her beautiful head. He followed her up the stairs. She unlocked the door then turned around to face him, his heart skipped.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She said with a grin on her soft lips.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He meant the words with all his heart, and hoped she wasnt just being polite by thanking him.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her.

As he pulled into the parking space, she thought to herself, 'where did the time go? The drive back didnt take long enough!' She hoped that he would change his mind, back out and take her somewhere else. Just as long as she could stay in his presence, she would be happy. She felt him click off the engine. She stepped off, and he followed.
"Let me walk you to your door." He requested. She was appreciative, most of the guys she had dated in the past would have dropped her at the curb and taken off. She was greatful for his consideration.
"Thank you." She replied as she placed the helmet in his hands. He followed her up the stairs, she felt him watching her as they walked, not in a bad way, in a protective way that made her feel safe. As she unlocked the door she prayed the night wouldnt end yet, but she knew it was. She turned to face him, the butterflies in her stomache returned as she peered into his deep brown eyes.
"Thank you, for the evening. I had a wonderful time." She hoped her sincerity would come across, as she gave a polite smile.
"You...are very welcome! I hope to see you again soon." He replied, She hoped he was being sincere in his words hoping to see her again. She really wanted to press up against him, wrap her arms around him and beg him not to go, but she refrained. Hoping her disappointment wouldnt show.
"I hope so too. Goodnight." She said as she backed slowly in the door and closed it behind her. She turned the lock and it clicked into place. She turned around, and closed her eyes. Soaking in the last few hours she had spent with this amazing man. She thought of the safety she felt with him as she rode along behind him, her life in his hands. Somehow, she realized that she trusted him fully with her life. There was just something about him that made her feel safe. Perhapse the gentle strength that he posessed. As she thought more about it, she realized that the late night ride, was similar to the life walk with Jesus. She realized that if she put total control of her life in Jesus' hands, and cling to him, He would take care of her. She thought about how if she had let go, even for a second, she would fall off the back, and the bike would probably crash, hurting them both. A lot like the life walk. We let go of Jesus for even a split second, and we can crash and burn... She thought it interesting the comparison between this late night ride, and her walk with Jesus. She opened her eyes, looked around, closed them again and whispered
"Thank you Jesus for always protecting me, and please Lord, let me see him again."

He stood there a moment after she closed the door. He heard the click of the deadbolt being locked into place. He turned and slowly walked back down the steps to his bike, he prayed she would run back out and ask him to stay. He approached his bike, stepped over, put his helmet on and sat for a moment in the silence. The whole world seemed to be asleep aside from him and her. Probably just him now, as she probably went straight to bed. He thought to himself how much he would love to see her again, and just how much he had enjoyed their late night ride. He started up the engine, backed out, and pulled back the throttle. He slowly drove out of the complex, and headed toward home. Hoping, praying, he would see her again soon and thanking Jesus for their late night ride.