Her side of the story

It was mid morning, she woke with sleep still in her eyes. She gently rolled out of the bed as to not wake the man sleeping next to her. She hated this feeling of waking and sneaking out so no one would see her. She walked across the dirt floor, leaving an ever so small wake of dust in her trail. She stepped around the corner and peeked out the doorway. She saw crowds of people walking by. She shook her head and scolded herself silently. She should have been up earlier so she could sneak out without being seen. Now she will have to find a way to get out without being seen by all the people. She took a deep breath as a big knot rose into her stomach. Nerves on edge, "Here goes nothing." She said in a whisper.

She ducked out the door, and at that moment, a man met her eyes. Fear overtook her body as she froze there. She couldn't move, she knew she had been caught. She knew her actions were punishable by death. The man yelled, "Stop! Woman, do not move!"

She panicked. She turned and tried to run but another man cut her off. He grabbed her by the arm. His grip was so tight, it felt as if he would rip her arm off. She began to weep and beg as the overwhelming feeling came over her. She knew this was the end. She had been caught, and there was nothing she could do about it. She begged him to overlook her transgression, but he was not so kind. The man who had first met her eyes approached. His condescending, judgemental glare saw right through her. She thought about the events that led to this moment. She saw a stoning once. She knew it was definitely not the way she wanted to die. The thought of it had her fear stricken. "Come with me." Said the man.

As he gripped her other arm. There was no way she would get free from both of these men. The men led her to the other end of town, she wondered why they didn't just stone her there. Why delay her impending death? As they came to the end of town, she noticed the crowd became thicker. There were more people than she had ever seen there. Why did they have to build a crowd for her stoning? She was already so embarrassed that she had been caught. As they got closer to the center of the crowd, she heard the voice of a man. His voice was peaceful, and kind. She heard him teaching. As they approached him, her eyes met the teachers eyes. She had heard of this man, a lot of people thought he was a prophet or crazy. Some stated he was the messiah. What was his name? She tried to remember. "Jesus!" Someone shouted from the crowd.

That's right, his name was Jesus. She wondered what these two men who gripped her arms so tightly were going to do. She was humiliated. As they approached the teacher, he grew quiet. A look of concern washed over his face. Her eyes met his. She turned away her eyes as the shame washed over her. The men who brought her before him stated "Teacher, This woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?"

She was confused, and for a second she had hope. Hope that maybe he would not have her stoned, that hope was then washed away by her own thoughts. They always followed the law, especially when it came to adultery. A small group of men in the crowd began to pick up large and medium stones. They were ready to throw them at his word. The teacher looked at her, as he did, she felt a deep pit where her stomach should have been. She was so ashamed as he looked at her with kind eyes. The teacher, broke his gaze, bent down, and began to write in the dirt with his finger. She wondered what this peculiar behavior meant. The men prodded him, "Teacher, what do you say?"

He stood again. He looked each of the men in the eyes, and said "Let the one of you who has never sinned throw the first stone."

She held her breath, she clenched her body waiting for the pain of stones being thrown at her soft flesh. The teacher bent down and began to write in the dirt again. Then something happened, she heard a soft thud. She turned and looked, an old man was walking away. She heard another thud. Another man turned and walked away. Then another, and another. Soon, there were no men left. It was just her and Jesus in the midst of the crowd. He stood and said "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"

Amazed, she said "No, Lord. Not one."

Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."

Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe what had just happened. This was unheard of. She did as he said. She turned, and walked away in awe. She went down by the river. There was a large weeping willow tree there. It was a beautiful sight as the sun shone down on her. She sat under the shade of the large tree. She took in the events of the day. As she did she couldn't help but hear the teachers words again. In her mind they played over and over again. 'Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.' She decided a that moment she needed to make an honest living. She needed to go back to her father's house, and beg to be taken back. Though she was dirty. She stood. Walked over to the river and waded in. As she bathed herself, trying to wash off the uncleanliness, she prayed to the God of Jacob. She prayed that he would keep her strong in this new life, she prayed that he would bring back her purity. She came out of the water, and began to walk home. Not to the temporary home she had resided in while living her promiscuous life, but the home of her father and mother. The journey was long, a day's walk. As she came over the hill, she saw her father's home. Her stomach became tight. What if they would not accept her back? What if she would be sent away? At this point, it didn't matter. She had to go home. She walked down the dusty road. As she approached the house, she heard the noises of the family inside. In the midst of their dinner, she came through the door. "Hello?" She said. Her mother came around the corner in that moment. The look on her face was of thankfulness. Her daughter was home. She wrapped her arms around her and began to weep. Her father then entered the room, and joined the hug. They stood there weeping, all 3 of them. with tears running down his cheeks, her father said "Welcome home."

2am feeding

Ha...I'm a mom now :) I knew I would love motherhood, and its pretty much what I expected except way better! I am loving every moment of time with this little man God has blessed me with. I sit and stare at him sometimes, thinking about how one single cell turned into a living, breathing human baby boy. With 10 perfect fingers, and 10 perfect toes. I must say, I LOVE his toes!!! They are so cute :) He is the light of my life, and I love every minute of time while he is little. I love every snuggle, and cuddle, and when he pee's on me or poops on me, I just laugh. Because, he sits there with this innocent little look on his face like as if to say "What? Did I do that?" lol... I think God had to make mom's be so in love with their children from day 1...otherwise. no one would ever reproduce, or we would then not take care of them... Motherhood is an incredible experience. Eventhough I am doing it as a single parent, which makes it harder...I am so in love and already I don't know how I ever lived without this little man. I love that he is so cuddly and snuggly. God gave me the perfect baby boy :) anyway, enough bragging on him...for a minute ;)

2 am this morning, Camden woke up for a feeding, then I woke up...lol, it works that way. As I was feeding him, I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about where I am in life. Thinking about how I got to this place. How I got to a place of 27 years old. Divorced for over 5 years now, 2 1/2 years clean and sober, homeowner, single parent. I must say, it has been a crazy ride. It has been like life is a roller coaster, but the cool thing is that God is at the controls. Well, it has kind of been that way. Anyway, this morning at 2 am, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I had a partner in parenting. In other words, if I were married. It would be so much easier to have a second set of hands. It would be nice to wake up for a feeding, feed him, then be able to hand him to someone else to burp him and put him back down to sleep. It would just be so much easier. In those early morning feeding hours, I pray for God to bring Camden a fatther, and me a husband. Someone to share our lives with. I pray that often, but I also know that being single mom is a consequence of my actions. I am ok with my consequences, though it's difficult, God is taking care of us. Anyway, I was thinking about how much easier life would be if I was able to be a stay at home mom, and had a husband to support us. But, I was also thinking of how a year ago, I was longing so badly just to be a mother. How last year on mother's day, I was so wrapped up in the loss of my first pregnancy that I could not give my own mother the appreciation she so deserved! I am so blessed to have Camden, and I am so much better able to appreciate my mom. So as one thought led to another, I realized that I need to just be content with where I am at. Like, why do we always need something else to make us "ok"? Yes, it would be nice to have a man in my life, someone to support Camden and I. Someone to love us and for us to love. But, I need to be content, and enjoy this season of my life. God has promised to bring me a husband, and Camden a father. But, right now I am in a season of single motherhood. Camden is in a season of father-less-ness. But, we have each other. God has promised to provide for us, which he already has proven. So, while we wait for our "prince charming" lol... we are going to rely on God. God the father, for Camden's dad. God the protector, for our safety. God the provider, for everything we need.

God has provided people who love and support us. God has provided enough money to stay home for my full maternity leave. God has provided food, clothing, shelter, and more. God has provided and is continuing to provide. He told me to tithe off everything I have left, then watch him work....I did, somewhat reluctantly. But I obeyed his words. Once I tithed off the money I had left in my account, I got another paycheck I wasn't expecting. I was given assistance through the state. I wont get into details, but just know its a total "God thing" that we got what we did. We are looking into other avenues of where God will lead us. Right now, I am just trying to pray and trust that God will continue to provide no matter what we do or where we go. I guess you could say God has been working on my trust issues, lol.. He has shown me so much grace, that I don't deserve. He has given me peace beyond understanding, and he has given me more than I asked for. God has provided everything I need and more to provide for my son. I am way beyond blessed. Where people have looked down on me, saying that my pregnancy was a consequence, and punishment...God looks down at me with love, and blessings. He promised me a son. and he has fulfilled that promise. Then he has blessed me with everything needed to take care of Camden. God knew all along that I would be a single mom. He knew I would be able to handle it, and he has given me the strength to do what I need to do. Camden was not a punishment. He was a blessing. Simple as that. And I love him <3

"My grace truly is enough..."

The room was quiet, empty. She was alone as she thought about everything that had aspired. As the shame and guilt began to wash over her, she dropped her head and began to speak...

"God, I dont know what to do. I have tried so many times to change this behavior....I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't break this habit. I know I need to change. Everytime I fail. I try so hard, but I fail so often. When will you step down and help me? When will I get a grip on this problem? I know that I am hurting myself and the ones I love, but I can't stop. It's not healthy for me to act this way. I know your grace is enough, but how many times will I mess up before you stop loving me? How many times will I fail before you retract your grace? How many times do I need to fail before I get it right? I am such a failure. I wish I could get it right. Everytime I mess up, I tell you I wont do it again. Before I know it, I am back here again. I need something to change. This is no way to live. The secret I bear is fearfully large. I can't share it with anyone. The lonliness, the isolation is unbearable at times. I know I could change this, do I just not want it bad enough? Do I just need to give up? Stop trying? How can I change when I know I will fail again? This pattern has been too much to bear. I don't deserve to be forgiven again by you. I don't deserve to be shown grace and mercy. How much grace can one God have? How many times can I fail before you cut me off from your grace? How many times can I fail and be redeemed? I try so hard. I just dont know if I can do this anymore. The battle is becoming too difficult to fight. I have needed you, but I have not found you. Will you show me how to do the right thing? I know I can't have that many chances left. Especially since I have been forgiven already, so many times. I know all I have to do is ask for your grace, and mercy. I know I just need to ask you to forgive me, but how can I do that when I know I will fail again. That would mean I am not really, truly sorry. That would mean my repentance is not true, because they said in church that repentance, is turning around and running the other direction. I dont think I can do this anymore. God, are you listening? Are you there? Can you help me? Am I just beyond help?"

She sat there with her head down, out of breath from the words she spoke. He replied...

"My dear, precious child. I have always loved you. I always will. I said in my word to you forgive not once, but 7X70 times. My grace is truly enough for you. Thats why its called grace. You can't earn it, you can't buy it. I give it freely because I love you. I will forgive you more times than you can count. I love you, this is why I gave my life for you. It does hurt me to see you this way. I want to see your heart broken for what breaks mine. Your heart, I gave you a tender heart. I have forgiven you everytime you asked. You're right, all you have to do is ask. Every time it will get easier, I am right by your side. I will never leave you. It doesn't matter to me how many times you fail. Just keep trying. I know the road you have walked, I know the pain you have felt, I know the temptation you have endured. This life is not everything I had intended for you. I have so much more for you. I am just waiting patiently for you to have the desire to have it. I am here. I fight for you when you cannot fight. I carry you when you cannot walk. I watch over you when you cannot keep watch yourself. Never do I sleep, never do I break from your side. You are my beautiful creation, my beautiful daughter. I love you, and I hope that you know my grace truly is enough."

A blessing and a storm

She sat in the chair. The music was loud, in her belly she could feel the kicks and flutters. She wasnt sure if the baby was unhappy, or enjoying the music. She did know his hearing had developed, so he could hear the music. She wondered what life would be like in a few short months. She was overwhelmed, tired. The pregnancy had been a journey so far. She was enjoying every moment of becoming a mother, but she also was scared to do this alone. She sat and reflected on the last 7 months. She thought of the people who supported her, the people who disowned her, and the lonliness she felt through it all. She thought of the blessing she carried in her belly, and how excited she was that she would finally pass into motherhood. She also thought of the reality that she would be raising this baby alone, how scary a thought. She began to weep as she thought of the overwhelming responisibility that faced her in just a few months. She was scared. She was tired of doing life alone. She wanted so badly to share this experience with someone who would be there for her, to support her, to love and cherish her. She thought about how life hadnt turned out the way she had hoped. From the time she was a little girl she had dreamed that she would one day get married, then have children. She never expected that she would be doing it backwards, she never thought she would be a single mom. She was tired of walking this life alone, but she also knew that she would not settle for a man again. She would never rush into a marriage again. She had grown a backbone, and was not willing to settle. Not willing to be with someone, just to be with someone. She needed to know him thoroughly before she could enter into a marriage again. Now things just seemed so much more complicated. She felt like now that she was going to have a baby, no man would want her. Not the good ones anyway. What was wrong with her? She owned her home, was successful in her career, was tall, blonde, and from what people always said, beautiful. So why was she still single? Why did life not turn out the way she had dreamed of? Why couldn't they see that she was independent, yet weak to the point of needing a life partner? She felt like she didnt really matter, like people cared but not enough to make it a point to be a part of her life. She knew she was being selfish, but so what. She wanted the whole dream life. She was tired of doing it alone, and she was tired of spending nights alone. She had to learn how to be a person again after her failed marriage. It took a long time, a lot of healing, and she still felt so broken.
She leaned forward in her chair, her nose was dripping and tears were streaming steadily down her face. She didnt want anyone to see her crying. She didnt want anyone to come ask her what was wrong, and she was so thankful for the dim lighting in the church building. She was so thankful that the band was playing loud enough to cover the soft sobbing coming from her heart. She wiped the tears away from her eyes and thought of the people she loved in her life. She thought of how supportive some people were, and how others had banished her from their lives. She felt like they blamed her, judged her. She wished they understood that she didnt get pregnant on purpose, she didnt get pregnant to hurt them, but that this was such a blessing. This was Gods timing for her. Maybe it wasnt the best timing, and maybe it was done in sin, but God still blessed her with a baby. Which was something she had needed for a long time. She tried to be sensetive to people who could not have a baby, the people who wanted children, were trying, and were not being successful. She knew how much it hurt, because she, too had felt that pain before. She knew not only the deep desire to have children, but also the pain of miscarriage. She knew what it was like to hate other people for sharing their happy news. She had been jealous of people who had babies, for a long time her heart ached to have a baby. To be a mother, for a long time, its all she wanted. She thought of the one she lost. She thought of how difficult it had been. She thought of the kind of child he would have been. As tears ran down her face, she thought of how she was so blessed that this baby was alive and kicking inside her, how she was so excited, but also could not fully enjoy the time because she knew that her having a baby was hurting other people. She thought about how there was nothing she could do about it, and her heart went out to those people. She wished her friends would not have become so upset with her. She wished they had not said some of the hurtful things they did, but she also knew that they only said hurtful things to her because they were hurt by the fact that she was having a baby and they were not. She knew that there was a reason people stopped talking to her....at least some of them. She understood their frustration with her, their anger at God, and the unending questions of 'why not me?' She truly felt bad that she was enjoying her blessing, when she knew other poeple were still in anguish about their circumstances.
She adjusted in the hard plastic chair, sitting had become slightly uncomfortable for her at this stage in her pregnancy. Then again, standing, laying, and any other position had become uncomfortable as well. The tears didnt stop coming, she wondered what people thought of her. She wondered if people thought she was just a cry baby because thats all she seemed to do here. This place, though she didnt connect with many of the people, she could feel Gods presence, and she knew that He was there with her. She continued to cry as she drifted back into the deep thoughts of her pregnancy, people, and the circumstances in general. She thought of how she had felt just prior to becoming pregnant. She thought of how the year before she had been celebate. She had done everything right, in her eyes, she was on the right track. She was involved in church, she was celebate, clean and sober, she had a good job, led a bible study, read her bible, she was on the right track. She couldnt understand why in the midst of this, she was so attacked by lonliness. She was so attacked in her disease. She remembered feeling like God didnt care anymore. She remembered feeling that He was there, blessing everyone around her, but she was still stuck in the same place. As hindsight is 20/20, she had since realized she was working for his approval. Just like she had been taught to do, to be a good girl and not make waves. She rememberd feeling like she was doing everything right, and God was just throwing blessings to other people but He kept passing her up. She felt like God had forgotten about her, or just wasnt paying attention. She remembered feeling like she was barely hanging on by a thread. How she felt like she was in a boxing ring, and the devil was throwing punch after punch. She was on the ground, bleeding and bruised. She had felt this way for a while before she slipped up and started sleeping with her boyfriend. She felt like had been slipping, because if she was doing everything right and still not being blessed, then what was it all for? Once she became pregnant, she felt as though God had stepped into the ring with her, put his foot down, and said 'enough.' She felt like becoming pregnant was Gods way of saying, 'I havent forgotten about you, I still love you even in the midst of your sin.' From that experience, she knew that God loved her. As she sat in the hard plastic chair, she still felt as though she was in a phase of her life which required intense repair of her soul, but she hadnt the strength to seek it out. She hadnt the fight left in her to get up and keep going, for the last 7 months, God was carrying her along because she didnt have the strength to walk on her own. She was weary, and she knew God was teaching her that she didnt have to do everything right in order to be blessed by him. He wanted all of her, not just the 'perfect' parts of her. He wanted to be right in the middle of her messy life. He knew that she could not fully trust him unless she was falling apart at the seams. So, he gave her a baby. She gently rubbed her belly as she thought of this. She thought to herself how special it was for her that she was finally having a baby. How eventhough she had to do this alone, she was ready. She did not want to be a single mother, but she was clearly not being sought after. Therefore, she was incredibly frustrated with her situation, but somehow she knew it was all ok in the end.
She sat back in her chair as the song changed over. She recognized it right away. The words were ever piercing her heart. This was Gods love song to her, the tears that had dried up began to flow again as the words pierced her thoughts. The band began to sing "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy....When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...and, oh how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so..." This was their song, her and God. She sat there and soaked in the words, she couldnt sing because she was sobbing. She felt as though people thought she was stuck up, or had not a strong walk with God, but she didnt care. She was fine with them thinking what they would. She just knew that she was spending a sweet moment with her creator. He was healing her heart one day at a time, one moment at a time. She continued to soak in the sweet melodies of the song, as she held her belly, thinking of how blessed she was to be given such a precious gift. Thinking of all the people who supported her, who were hurt by her blessing, and how much God must have loved her to give her such a big responsibility. She just wished she had someone to share it with, but she was ready for the challenge either way.

What aches my bacon?

So..it has been a while since I have blogged. Feels like there is so much going on that I just don't get the chance. Either way, I thought I would do a fun one :) Want to know what aches my bacon? If you have no idea what that means, good. It's a Mindy origional phrase! In other words, what frustrates me, or to be more literal, what is a pain in my butt through the typical day. Anyway, before we get to that a little catch up is in order. I'm 27 weeks pregnant now, in other words my baby boy will be here in 13 weeks! OMG... I am freaking out, completely. On the other hand, I am super excited...and I cant wait to see his little face and give him kisses <3 His room is still in the process, but getting finished slowly. Baby showers in the planning, and I am starting to get tired again. Welcome to the third trimester right? Anyway, my house is good, work is great..just trying to adjust to the new position which is proving to be easier than I thought, and I LOVE that my days are going so quick because there is so much to do. It's good times :) So..on to the topic shall we?

I hate it when people tailgate me on the freeway with their bright lights on. Do they not know that is super rude? And, don't even get me started on people driving slow in the fast lane on the freeway.........
Pull out in front of me then drive 10 mph slower than what I was going? Just wait until I go by, then you can drive as slow as you want. On the other hand, I hate it when people tailgate me when I go the speed limit, afterall I am not in the mood to speed all the time ;)

I don't like not having the right information at work. I clarify a lot, inquiring minds want to know. Let me not even get started on customers calling in to port a number without any information. Follow directions....its not that difficult to do :) And, if you don't pay your bill, please don't escalate to me because your phone is suspended...pay the money and we will gladly turn your phone back on. Just sayin ;)

Text me a message? I'll respond, I'm pretty good about that, unless theres some reason I am not able to or I flat out forget. Start a convo with me, please finish it. It really bugs me to be in the middle of a convo that just drops off, I promise to always let you know if I gotta go do something else, or if its too late for me and I'm going to bed. Unless I just fall asleep, in which case, it should be expected for texting me so late.. But, I will always get back to you in the morning....if I remember ;) but no, I am not hypocritical or anything lol...Oh, and if you are flat out ignoring me, spare me the curiosity...just tell me, I may be a bit butthurt but at least I will know, and can move on :)

Men...lol, here is a topic for fun..ha. I don't like games, like me? Tell me, chances are I probably like you too. If not, be prepared for me to slap it in your face and call you a creeper...jk! I kid, kid.. I try to let people down easy. If I say I don't like you, please just get over me and, wait for it...MOVE ON!!! I know, I know...blunt, but from what I hear...it works. If you're a guy and I like you, you probably know it by now...maybe you need clarification, maybe I have already shown some interest and you pretty much get it...if thats the case, DON'T LEAD ME ON. It's just not very nice. Scared? Imagine how I feel...I am in a place in my life where I am looking for the real deal, not just a fling. I am having this kid in approximately 3 months and I need a partner, someone who is going to commit, if thats not you...please don't pretend it could be. Just let me down easy and find someone else to play games with...afterall, the kid's dad is a game player and I'm OVER it :) Just sayin....not to say I am the best communicator in the world, cause frankly I kinda suck at it.. but I give it my best shot. Anyway, this blog isn't just about guys, sorry dude ;)

Side note: Both my cats are sleeping on the back of the couch right now, and its super cute :)

I am an open book, for the most part. Want to know something? Just ask..I don't bite, and I will let you know if I am not comfortable with your topic of choice or question... Want to know about baby's father, ask me. In fact, let me just clear that one up right now. I don't blame him, I am not still hurt over the situation, I am a strong woman and I know I will be ok. Yes, he got me pregnant then walked out. You want to call him a jerk, fine. Don't expect me to, I believe that he has other issues as to why he wanted nothing to do with his child. Am I going for child support? Probably not, don't judge me. I am tired of people telling me what I "should" do...don't should on me. Didn't understand that last little phrase? Say it out loud, it will click. lol. Frankly, the decisions I make in going for child support, or what relationship I end up having with the childs father, is mine to make. You want to ask questions, go for it. I will be honest with you. But, don't try to tell me what to do. On another note, I am over him. Completely, I am looking toward the future. I am looking at life in the aspect of me and my son and one very lucky guy who will get to be a part, looking back is not in the plan or picture. I am not dwelling on the past, Camden's father made a choice, there's nothing I can do to change that. Cam doesn't belong to him at all. God gave Cam to me, had baby's father wanted to be a part I of course would have been happy to have him, but he didn't. Therefore, he misses out and some other very lucky guy will get to help raise Cam as his own. Anyway, I hope that clarifies a bit for people...like I said, curious? Just ask. You won't be bringing up a sore subject. I promise :)

Other pet peeves...
Slow internet, I am not a patient person.
Long lines when I walk into Starbucks, or any fast food place or restaraunt...I go there for convenience, and again..I am not a patient person.
Football...lol, or sports in general.. Occassionally like to watch a game here or there, but when people place it above me, it really aches my bacon.
Dishes and laundry...I JUST got all that crap clean and put away, now its dirty again. lol...
Taking the garbage out...it's just a trashy job..hee hee ;)
Being too hot or too cold, not a fun way to be...especially if I can't do anything about it.

Ok..this is not a pet peeve, but more of a do and die kind of thing. Come in to my house and disrespect me, my baby (when he comes), or either of my animals and you can consider us no longer friends...Stuff is stuff, but abuse or being mean to my animals is not ok. Have a problem with cats? Let me know ahead of time, I will put them in the back room so you don't have to see them...

So...let me just say, that this stuff is not necessarily based off anything that has or hasn't happened, Im just throwing it all out there for fun. Like, I haven't ever had someone be mean to my cats :) Its just one of those things to throw on the list :) I hope you have enjoyed this slightly sarcastic, fun blog. Be safe out there!