Chained...

She felt like she was barely able to breathe as she lay there. Her eyes still closed, she couldnt find the strength to open them. She felt the hard cement against her back, and the shooting pain up her spine from the offset slant in the table she was upon. She felt dizzy and disoriented, as she tried to lift her head, but couldnt. Next her arms and legs, but they seemed to be imobile, then she felt the tight squeeze of the chains tighten.... How did she get here? She couldnt remember much before, she remembered the life she had lived long before, but it felt like such a long time ago... almost like a dream. She didnt know how she had transformed from the happy life she once lived to this meek existence she now lived. She slowly blinked open her eyes, it was dim, but the light hanging above her was brighter than she expected. It burned her eyes, along with the dust in the air. She looked around and found tools hanging on the walls, tools for torture. She felt the cold bitterness inside the room matched her soul. All around her, she felt the presence of evil, lurking in the shadows... She could hear him slithering, and hissing at her. Whispering things in her ear. "You're fat, ugly, stupid, you will never do anything but lay on your back, I own you..." He hissed. She struggled to break free from the chains that seemed to hold her down, but there were too many. She lifted her head to find chains across her body, bound by giant locks. She was trapped, she struggled, but as she did she felt the chains tighten across her body. It was a suffocating feeling. One that made her yelp, it knocked the wind from her lungs. As she yelped, she jerked her head up and paused...There he was. This gentle, loving, kind, gracious being. He was full of light, He was weeping. She knew him from long ago, but now there was only coldness and bitterness in her soul toward him. As she studied him a bit longer, she noticed he was weeping. Not only weeping, but uncontrollably sobbing. She snapped at him, "Why are you crying?" in a harsh tone. His only reply, was barely audible through his sobbs. "My precious, let...me help...you." She thought to herself, 'how dare he' and bit at him, "NO! I dont need you!!!! I tried it your way and I got burned. Its all your fault. I dont need you! Leave me alone!!!" She laid her head back to rest for a moment, her skin burned from the tightening of the chains, and stung from the scratches embedded in her tender flesh. She was bruised nearly from head to toe, and she was full of anger. She thought back more, and tried to recall how she had ended up in this cave. Here with this being weeping over her, and evil slithering in the shadows. She found strength to lift her head again, and as she looked down over her bruised and broken body, she noticed each chain that tied her down had a label, made of metal, a heavy metal. Each label was engraved with one word. As she blinked to try to focus on the first one, she read it.. "Prostitution", the next one she read aloud "Drugs", and the next "Alcohol", "Sex", "Failure", "Fat" and so on... She saw the labels, and began to cry. She thought to herself, 'how did I let myself get here?!' She became angry, she struggled and pulled and kicked, screamed, and yelled, untill her strength left her. The chains tightened their grip on her. She was growing weak. She laid there, thinking back on the decisions that landed her here, chained up to a torture table, in a dungeon. She became angry, she fought the chains more, they won. Pain shot all through her tender body. She cried, and let out a scream. She raised her head again, looked at the being of light once again. He said to her through his weeping "My dear, all you have to say is help. All you have to say is help!" She screamed back at him. "NO!!! Leave me alone to die! What do you want with me anyway? Im not good for anything but laying on my back! I am fat, ugly, stupid, He owns me... I will buy my way out, I just need more time.  I just need to make more money, then I will be able to buy my freedom!" She didnt want to admit it, but she was scared. She was scared and lonely. She wanted nothing more than to be back where she was before. But she didnt know how, and she certainly couldnt leave. Not being chained up, only being let out to turn a trick, all the while being on a leash, then ripped back into the cave, thrown back on the table and chained up again. She was tired, weary, and ready to give up. She didnt want to do it anymore. Her life was miserable, she wanted to die. She wanted to run away and never come back. She didnt even know who she was anymore... She looked down again at this being of light and love, the hurt, pain and kindness in his eyes. He was silently pleading with her. He didnt have to say anything at that point, she knew he was begging. She started to grow more weary, and as she did, she looked to him. She struggled again, the chains tightened against her fragile body, and she felt a snap. She could barely breathe, she was dying, fear struck her body as she drew in a weak, shallow breath. As she exhaled, she mouthed the words, barely audible over the sound of his weeping sobbs, "Jesus, help." It didnt matter how low of a whispery squeak it was. His head popped up, and he smiled ever so gently. Wiped the tears from his face, rushed to her side, and in one swoop of his hand the chains flew through the air, and she was scooped up into his gentle arms. As she lay there, near lifeless, resting in his arms, her fight was finally over. She felt the strength of him, and somehow, she drew off of it. All she did was rest in his gentle and merciful arms, as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear. She felt her body slowly strengthen, she wasnt sure how it was happening, or what was really happening, but she felt a calm peace slowly come over her. She opened her eyes again, she was still in his arms, she looked up into his magnificent, kind face, and whispered the most precious words he ever heard. "Thank-you Jesus."

Journey of life...

I wrote this August 20, 2008. So I decided to post it. Enjoy!

the trail she walked was difficult. the first few steps were easy, then it started to get narrow.. there were rocks and twigs, and roots from trees coming out of the ground. as she carried on her legs began to burn from walking up the incline..it seemed to become more difficult to climb the hill as time went on. the trail became narrower and she wondered if she would ever make it to the top. as she continued her acsent up the mountain there were places along the trail where the trees were overgrown and hit her in the face with their branches, they left a stinging on her face and red marks where they had hit her. but she continued on. many times along the trail the trail split off in a Y she continued up the steep narrow path as the other trail led back down the mountain it was a wide trail, with cement steps that looked much easier to walk. the trees were trimmed back as to not hit her in the face, and the cement steps had been freshly swept so there were no twigs or rocks for her to lose her step on. but she continued up the trail..she wanted to see what lie ahead of her, and what it would look like from atop the mountain... she carried on, she was frightened as she looked to her left and saw that one small misstep would send her tumbling down the mountain, and she looked to her right into the side of the mountain that was straight up...she continued her journey up the mountain, her legs burning with anger at her for making the muscles stetch and work. she paused for a moment, she was thirsty, as she pulled out a bottle of water from her pack, she drank in the cool crisp water that seemed to refresh her and give her a new energy. she was ready to carry on, the burning in her legs was not as intense. as she trecked on she began to get weak, and she started to trip on the rocks and twigs. the branches seemed to be grabbing at her more, and she reached a place where blackberries grew, over the trail, it seemed to be more difficult..as the thorns grabbed her and ripped into her side, she had scratches and bruises from tripping and falling down on the hard rocks and twigs on this trail. she got through the first set of blackberry bushes and she paused for here stood not only a bigger bush of blackberries, but the road seemed steeper and there were more branches...as she stood on the trail, she couldnt go back down, nor did she think she could go any farther, she looked to her left and there was another Y in the trail, this path was even better than the one before. it was wider than the first, it had baby steps down, and it was even more trimmed than the first, with the feelings of pain and discomfort from the first set of bushes, she decided she could not continue up the trail. so she sarted the baby step trail down. it was so easy, and she felt as if she could do this all day long. as she walked down the hill, the steps began to go from baby steps to bigger steps down, but she didnt care.. anything was better than facing the trail she once bore. as she walked down further in the trail she noticed that there were people down there..as she had been alone on the other trail, she was finally with people, they were all going down the trail together. as she continued down the steps, it began to get dark, she became a bit uncomfortable with not having the son guiding her steps, but she was with other people and having a good time..as they continued down the trail into the darkness, she felt as if they were traveling into a deep dark cave and the walls were closing in.. the people she was with assured her this was the right way to go.. she began to feel scared and alone, eventhough she was surrounded by people. the walls continued to close in on her, it began to feel hot and muggy the air felt so thick that she couldnt get her breath, she thought she was going to die, she changed her mind and tried to walk back up the steps only to find a gate behind her, she was unable to get out. she was thirsty and reached in her pack for her bottle of water. she couldnt find it, it was gone as she searched and searched for it she found it nowhere. she felt the need to escape but didnt know how, so she continued down feeling that there would somewhere be a place of escape...but as she continued down deeper into the cave, she began to forget about the path she once walked and that there was ever a way to get out. as she continued on, and was barely able to breath as the moisture in the air had gotten so thick, she began to feel her breath slipping from her. she started to struggle, but found that there were chains that were holding her down.. she wasnt sure how they got there but she struggled to break free, she was tired of fighting for her life and remembered the trail she once traveled...finally out of desperation, she started screaming. she was crying for fear that no one could hear her.. she screamed once more, this time she screamed "help!!!" to her suprise the cave opened up at the top light was shinning in on her as a hand from above ripped the chains away and lifted her gently from the deep dark cave. her breath instantly came to her, she was sore and bruised with scratches all over her tired body. the hand gently set her down, she let out a sigh of relief... she looked around and found that she was on the trail she had origionally started on, except she was higher up on the trail, she was past the blackberry bushes and the thorns that had weakened her body. she felt relieved that she had been saved from the dark abyss.. she felt around in her pack and her water bottle was there, it had been there all along. she drank of the water and felt refreshed and ready to continue on her uphill journey. as she placed the bottle in her pack, she found that there were clippers for cutting branches and bushes that had thorns. she also found food for refreshment. she had forgotten that she had those tools all along. now well equipped she continued to the top of the hill. she continued to encounter bushes and twigs, but this time she cut them with the clippers rather than being scratched and bruised by them, some of the branches still hit her in the face and left a stinging mark, but the majority of the painful bushes she was able to remove with the proper equipment. as she carried on to the top of the mountain, it seemed to be a bit easier this time.. her legs still burned from the walk, but she was able to rest and find refreshment from her pack. as she walked, she saw people hanging on the side of the mountain, barely hanging on. she threw her rope down to them but they refused it and continued to struggle to hang on.. she cried for them, but they refused so she carried on... her scratches and bruises started to reside, and she found that after time where the scratches and cuts had been there was just scarring. as she reached the final stretch of the climb she noticed that the path became smoother, and the branches were no longer in her way. she noticed that the path turned from a dirt path to one covered in gold. as she walked she removed her shoes, then her pack for she didnt seem to need it anymore. for when she reached the top, there were people, there was food, there was water an everlasting supply. she noticed that there was a beautiful lake. she bathed in the lake, she ate the food and drank the water. she had fellowship with the people and she didnt feel alone. she heard the most beautiful music that was like nothing she had ever heard before. and out of the sky decended this being, she knew instantly it was God. she stood in awe, she couldnt speak He was so beautiful, peaceful, mighty, and gentle all in one. He enveloped the people in Him, and peace came over all, as the entire crowd of people started singing praises to Him, she opened her mouth and out came praises to God...she was happy, she was blessed, she was at peace, and she would live forever in eternity with this magnificent creature.. she would never hurt again.

belated mothers day blog

Well, let me start by saying happy mothers day to all the moms out there. I will say, this one has been pretty chill. The service at church last night made me cry, and I was blessed to spend time with my family. Today my cousin and his wife came over with their children, I love their little girl. She is precious and I am blessed everytime she comes over to me and says "bup" because she wants to get up on my lap or have me hold her :) anyway, after they left gram, pap and I watched half of a movie but it kept skipping, so we had to shut it off. Pap also did some repairs around my house, he fixed my shed door and stapled the molding back up in my spare room. I am so blessed to have a grampy who will take time out of his day to come over and fix stuff for his girl :) So, after they left too, I watched 2 more movies. One was pineapple express, which is just a movie about weed, and these two guys who get into a lot of trouble, but in the midst of it, Seth Rogan's charagter says how they arernt functional when theyre high which is all the time, I was so happy to hear that in a movie, it was like he had an epiphany about how lame it is to be high all the time. Of course, it was all in humor, and they quickly covered up the topic, but it was still good to see none-the-less. Especially in a movie thats all about smoking bud. Anyway, enough about that one. The other movie I watched was "Book of Eli". I finally sucked it up and watched it, I am glad I did too. I think they did such an amazing job of portraying the end times, the times after the rapture, and what the world will look like and function like after...well, of course it wont be exactly like that, at least I hope to never be here to find out! So that was good though, now its close to bedtime and I would post this blog tonight but my cpu wont connect to the internet, so I guess I will have to wait until it will let me connect again. Ugh...oh well. I guess I should really get to the reason I am writing this blog in the first place. I want to address 4 different catagories: mothers with children in heaven, mothers with children on earth, my mother, and my grandmother.

Mothers with children in heaven:You, are not alone. I dont care if you were blessed to know your child or if they were taken before you had the chance, like mine was. You are not alone either way. Children pass away every day, and on this mothers day, my heart is going out to mothers like myself, who have children, who ARE mothers, but dont get the credit because their children arent living. First I want to say, we who have lost children, think about them EVERY day. We have spent many days, and hours crying over the loss. We have suffered tremendous pain and agony during the loss, and during the healing process. We dont get recognition, because we dont have living children. We are looked over by many who know us, because we dont have children here on earth. Some of us never even got the privelage of meeting them, except when they were inside our womb. We dont get things like pictures, and clothes to hold on to and take in the smell. We dont have memories of them in our lives, only daydreams of what they could have been. Only the thought of what life could have been like with our baby in our arms. We, have a hard time with mother's day because we are moms too, we have sacrificed too, we have put forth tears for our children. Its just a different kind of tear, a different kind of worry (will I ever be able to have children? Whats wrong with me? What did I do wrong?) The questions have flooded us since the day we lost them, the lies enter our minds. Questions such as, why did this happen to me? Why do women who dont want their children get them, and I dont? Where did I go wrong? Did I let myself get too stressed out? Did I eat something, drink something, or take something that caused my baby to die inside of me? Did I sleep the wrong way? Did I put too much pressure on my abdomen? The questions flood the minds of mothers who have misscarried, or had stillborn children. We often times think that its something we did. Something I did caused me to lose my baby. People dont like to talk about death and such, so we come up with eupanism's...I had a misscarriage. Sounds so much better than saying my baby died inside of me. But for those of us who know the hurt and pain of this, and the feeling of deep emptiness inside, we know that this is just for people who dont understand. We have the "motherly instinct" I could sense there was something growing inside my body, a precious little seed. Just the same, I knew when it was gone. Not just by the copious amounts of blood I lost with him, but the feeling of having a baby inside me, was gone. It was such a sad day. Last night, I sat in church and as they did baby dedications, I burst into tears. I had thought I would be okay, I had thought I wouldnt need to cry anymore, afterall, it had been a year and a half since I lost my little Aiden. But, none-the-less, when they started the baby dedications, I became a blubbering fool. Tears, streaming down my face in a very annoying way, as my quiet sobs filled the ears of the people next to me. A kind hand on my shoulder from my cousin. No one had to say anything, they knew, and I knew. It caught me off guard, partially because if my son had lived, her would be about the age I would be dedicating him. Ouch. So, I tell you all this not to bring a downer kind of feeling, or to discount moms who have their children. I just want to let people know that, if you have a friend who has had a miscarriage, or stillborn child. Wish them a happy mother's day too. Let them know that you count them as a mom, because they are mothers. As women, when we conceive, our bodies instantly become mothers. They start making transitions, and shifts in the chemicals and hormones. We are moms, who are not moms. If you are the mother of a child in heaven that was taken from you before you had a chance to know them, and you havent already, name them. You dont know if it was a boy or girl? Thats just an excuse, a mother always knows. Think about it deep in your heart, what feeling do you have about your child you lost? Was it a boy or a girl? I knew mine was a boy. I named him Aiden Zacharias which means "the fiery little one, remembered by God." So, ladies, mothers with children in heaven, name your baby. You have every right, and it helps make them more of a real child than just something that came out of you...dont be afraid to let them be real. Process the loss, and if you can and havent already, I reccomend finding a grief share program, it helped me a lot to process the loss of my baby boy. Blessings to you fellow, unrecognized mothers with babies in heaven.

Mothers with children on earth:Well, what can I say to you but happy mother's day! Moms make the world go around :) you have to be a strong and corageous woman to raise a child. It is no small feat, it is no small task. It is a long term commitment, and whether you were ready for it or not, whether it was your decision or not, you are strong. Motherhood has to be one of the toughest things to do in a womans life, yet so rewarding that it makes you smile. Mother's make all kind of sacrifices for their children. They are amazing at it, and I am amazed sometimes to see everything they go through, the worry, the guilt of things they have done that they think has messed up their childs lives. Mom's, you make mistakes, you have and you will. But, what matters is who you are in the mean time. Everyone makes mistakes, and its NOT your fault for the way your children will or have turned out. They have to make their own choices, make their own mistakes. Your job as a mother is to love them unconditionally, and show them how to always run to Jesus. If you do those two things, you will never fail. God has designed us in that way. Happy mothers day, and I hope you are blessed!

My grandmother:Grammy, you have truly been amazing! I dont know what else to say about it. As far as grams' go, youre it, youre amazing and I love you tons! You have been there for me in hard times when other people werent, you have pulled out the "protective gram" side of you when other's put me down, and I truly and fully appreciate it! You have been my rescuer in times of need, I know that if I ever need you, day or night, all it takes is one phone call and you will be there. You are a true picture of sacrifice! You love all your grandkids the same, and you always take care of us. I always know that if I am having a bad day I can call, or show up on your doorstep and you will welcome me in, no questions, or reservations, you drop everything and take care of me. I know all your grandkids feel the same, and I speak for us all when I say we all love your more than you could know! You have shown us how to love eachother, in a kind way, and gram, I miss our late night walks... I miss getting home and bugging you until you give in and go for a walk with me :) I loved those times we shared, I am blessed by God to have my own place now, but I am sad I dont see you everyday, and I think it makes me charish you more. Man, I love you gramma, and I always will tell everyone how amazing you are <3 you are a true picture of love and sacrifice and you have, in my opinion, gone above and beyond the call of a grandmother! In my case especially! You have done things no grandmother should have to do for their grandchildren, I have put you in situations that have been hard, and heartbreaking to you, but you still show up, you still love me, and you still care. I love you gramma, thanks for sacrificing. I always know, that I am one of the 12 most important people in your life. Love you tons!

To my mother:Oh mother may I, where do I start? You, are an amazing, strong, loving, faithful woman. You showed me how to love, how to run to Jesus, amongst all the other things you taught me... How much have we been through together? More than I can, or would want to write on this blog thats for sure! People dont understand our relationship. They dont get why we are so close, they dont understand our bond as mother and daughter. Its desired by a lot of people I know, and I feel sorry for them that they dont have that bond, but I am happy that we do, I am blessed beyond recognition of the love you and I share. We have been through the ringer, to hell and back, and you have always stood by my side, supported me in things that were whole and pure and true, and talked me out of crazy ideas. I know you blame yourself for a lot of my choices, but mom, they were MY choices, not yours. You think things like "If only I hadnt done this, said that, or acted that way then maybe she wouldnt have..." Mom, I know that I can probably never tell you enough times, but its NOT your fault. The decisions I made and make every day, are not your fault! I made my own decisions, and though I allow your influence in my life, the bad decisions I have made were my thing. The things you can take credit for, are things like showing me how to love everyone, not just the "pretty people", showing me how to ALWAYS run to Jesus, though sometimes I still run to other things (by my choice), you taught me that it is NEVER too late to come back into Jesus' arms. You, are an incredible and amazing woman, and it hurt my heart every day to have to watch you go through chemo, but you made it out! you made it to the other side, and you are more beautiful every day! God has truly made you a special, and amazing woman. Do you know how many times, I have heard people say to me "I wish my mom was like yours" or "I wish I had your mom." See, mom, other people can say they have the best mom in the world, but no offense to them or their moms, I truly got the best one there is... The statements I have heard in my life about how amazing you are, and how many people wish they had moms more like you, it confirms in my heart that my saying that I got the best mom in the world was never JUST a biased statement, its true, because other people have said it. Mom, you taught me how to live, how to love, how to process, and how to be a woman after Gods own heart. You may have made a few mistakes here and there, but you have taught me everything I need to know in this life. I was thinking about something last night at church, I was thinking about how it must be hard for you to know that on mothers day, when I am supposed to be honoring you, I am pouting over the loss of my child, instead of being thankful for what I do have, an AMAZING mom! I want to apologize to you for that, because I do charish you more than you could know. You are my hero, you have been my role model, and people dont have to understand it, because its not their life. If they have a problem with our closeness, our bond, then they can just mind their own business... Sometimes, I feel like I am never going to be as good of a person as you, you have your head on straight, you trust God, and yes, I know I am putting you on a pedistal right now, and I'm sorry, but you truly are the best mom in the entire world, you have not only shared the good times and bad, but you have loved me through it all. I have one more thing to say before I log off. Mom, I am sorry to you for everything I put you through in 2007, when you were sick and barely hanging on, I was needy, I was selfish, and I ran off and left instead of taking care of you. I know that you didnt need me to because you had ken there, but I still feel bad about that. I put you through more heartache than I should have. You never knew what I was doing or if I would be okay. Mom, for those days, I am sorry. I love you more than you know, and I dont know, but even these words on the computer seem just blank to me, they feel hollow, like the words I am saying dont even have any umph to them. Either way, mom, I love you, and I want you to know that you are pretty much the most important person in my life today. You, and guy..lol, he thinks he's a person anyway.... I love you, and happy mother's day. <3