Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.

Uncertainty. That's what is ailing me today. I am in a place where I don't know how I could act this way. I am getting mixed signals. But, is it enough to let it get in the way? Or is it just being blown out of proportion? I tend to do that... so. I am faced with a choice. I can continue and fight, or I can walk away. Walking away is always easier, but I'm not sure if that's what is best. I don't know. Just thinking a lot about it. My son is feeling the pressure, and he is acting out because of it. Either way I have to get it under control. He is so sensitive to what is going on emotionally around him. Yesterday, I was a mess. Just hurting and confused. He was hollering and making trouble all day. He feels it. He is cute, wants to snuggle. I love my little bundle of joy. He lights up my world. I wonder. How did I get so far from the path I once walked? It seems like so long ago I was laying my life down for God. For his plan. I was going to write a devotional. I actually started it. I was half way through exodus. But, then life happened. I know I need to get on it. I feel like I just abandoned what God had planned. Of course, here I have all this free time, have I utilized it? Nope. Instead I sit around watching greys reruns....go me. It's not good. I think I need to rededicate my spare time to Gods plan. I know, a devotional study guide is needing me to write it. I have felt it for a long time. I have so much to say, what better way than to mix it in with Gods words? With his voice...He is speaking to me. Asking me to trust him. I am so wrapped up in myself, and in Camden...our life here. How long has it been since I have consulted him before making a decision? Too long. So. I shall start. Today. I will begin writing my devotions. Through the bible, one chapter at a time. I imagine it will take a while. But that's good. It will keep me busy, not that I don't have enough to do already lol...We are going to Portland tomorrow. I am excited. Excited to see people. I miss everyone. Though I love it here, I don't know many people. I want to meet people. I think it's for the better that I take a nap today too. I only slept about 4 hours last night. I cleaned my house. It's spotless :) I cleaned everything. Organized. It does look amazing if I do say so...lol. Anyway, the moment has passed. So I think I will get off here and go do something else :)

Inside out.

Outside, calm.

Inside, pain.

Outside, composed.

Inside, tears.

Outside, strong.

Inside, weak.

Outside, smile.

Inside, rage.

Outside, happy.

Inside, sad.

Outside, peace.

Inside, storm.

Outside, calm.

Inside, heartbroken.

Outside, heartbroken.

Grieve. Let go. Live again.

A fresh start

It has been so long since I have been able to write! I am excited to finally have a computer again. Things are great, Camden and I have moved to Ontario, Oregon to start a new life. Simple life. Peaceful life. Away from the big city that is Portland...I love it here. The sun shines every day, maybe not all day, but every day :) It is so beautiful. It's dry, as in..not sopping wet as Portland is...I am SO loving that part of my new home town. I am at a crossroads. New apartment, new town, new church, new faces, no job. What to do? I have so many options, I could go for the traditional job, bring home a  paycheck and be steady. Yeah, I could try that. But, for right now. I think it's time to try something different, think outside the box. That's not to say that I will, or have stopped looking for a job, but, I have so many other possibilities available to me! For example, Arbonne! I can work this business. If I can book enough parties, and make enough sales, I wont have to go back to work. Some people may think I am an idiot, but for right now, I have a little time. We have a cushion. And, I have a pretty motivating reason to make this work....They say that if you don't really want it, you will find an excuse. But, people who really want it, will make it happen. I think that is so true. I am definitely in a place where I want this to work. So. Research, studying, etc. I have been looking at what it takes to make this business work.

Another option...go back to school :) I was interrupted in a beautiful way by my little man angel <3 LOVE HIM!!! But, now that he is 14 months, why not try to go back to that path. Revisit the idea of getting that degree. So, next week, I will head off to the college to see what is going on over there. What else I need for financial aid, etc. Who knows, maybe there are more grants for a single mom in this town than there were in pdx..

There are just so many non-traditional, non "40 hour a week" life plans I could take right now. Hey, if all else fails, I can always resort to plan B, which would be the mundane 40 hour work week. I just don't feel like I am cut out for that...Sure, I can do it. And to be honest, I am damn good at it. But it's not my passion. I am passionate about other things. Like writing, dancing, my baby boy, living life to the fullest! Why not? Why cant I at least try, right? After all, if I don't try, I will never know...and I will always regret not taking that chance to find out what could have been.

So...wish me luck, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride :)