Reflections

She sat. The room had only the bare minimum. She listened to the slow, steady tik-tok of the clock on the wall. She heard traffic in the background, and the light from the dim lamp shone upon the dark corners of the room. It created an ambiance of solitude, quiet, calm. She thought back to the days when she would run out night after night for parties that never ended, and everflowing supplies of booze and drugs. She sat there thinking about the days when sex was the only thing on her broken, and drugged out mind. She thought of the parties, and of the painful memories. The ones where she made a fool of herself and the ones where she was made a fool. She thought of one night in particular. It was the night she was raped, she was thankful that the details were blurred. But, she wished it had been a blackout night. The pain stabbed through her heart like a jagged sharp blade, as if to say "You will never forget the pain,and what they took from you!" The memories were overwhelming, so she thought of something else instead. She thought of how when she was a child, carefree and happy. Well, she liked to think she was carefree and happy as a child. She knew better though. From the first memory she had, she knew she was different. She knew there was always something different about her. It wasnt until she was a little older that she found out why, she had been molested as a baby. She was tired of that thought, and moved on to another. Times of playing in the back yard in summer with her cousins and brother. Her grandparents who would spoil the 4 of them until they knew no better. Those were the happy days, the days of kid parties, cakes, and walks with granpa to the store for a candy bar. He was the best grandpa. She smiled as she sat there recalling memories of her childhood. Then her thoughts turned again, they seemed to swirl in a downward spiral of negative thougths toward the life she lived while growing up. The beatings she took almost daily, the teasing from other kids about how fat she was. The way she starved herself to be thinner, accepted, liked. The way that she kept her distance from boys she went to school with for fear of them trying to take more than had already been taken. She had started taking drugs when she was young. Her addiction snagged her like a thornbush and it was sharply painful. She felt its every prick, and eventually, nearly 11 years later she had made her way to safety. She thought about the marriage she had, and how desperately she tried to hold on. How the love so quickly faded, and how the marriage so quickly fell apart. Neither of them were fully to blame. She just wished life had turned out differently. She wished God had swooped down and saved her from the pain of life long ago. Here she sat, in a quiet room. Reflecting upon the past, and being thankful that God got her to where she is today. She had lived a lot of life for her young age, and she was glad it was finally starting to turn out right. She was thankful for the life she lived, and thankful that she sat in this quiet room instead of being at some crazy party, or drunk, or high. She was thankful for her near 2 years of sobriety, and for the road she had traveled to get there. No one, not a single soul, could take that from her. She was feeling blessed. Loved and appreciated for the first time in her life.

What is love, that it should love another?

I thought of you today, but thats no suprise. I think of you every day....at least once a day. My heart has been breaking for nearly 3 years now. You love me, then you pull away. The distance is ever so painful, and each time its the same. It makes me wonder if you will ever live up to who God created you to be, but I know thats the devil planting lies in my mind. I have cried over you, prayed for you, cried out to God on your behalf, I have loved you, and been scared for you. Never have I loved another so much. The distance between us, makes me feel like the gap will never be closed. It hurts every time I hear those words, and every time I dont. We both know the truth. Why, couldnt we just be together from the beginning? Life isnt perfect, thats why. Because when sin entered the world, it created hoops we have to jump through. I know you can jump through this one. I know you can be who you are supposed to be. I know that I can do the same, though I have beat this one, there are others that stand in my way. Dont think I am without fault. God is working on my heart as well. He is  molding me, shaping me, and strengthening me. He is showing me how to have patience, perseverence and love beyond what anyone could ever know. I am sorry that I made a decision to not wait. I should have, but now I am bringing a life into this world. I am doing it alone. This is never how it was supposed to be, but God has a plan. I still wait. I wait for you, in due time God will bring us together...God has made us with eachother in mind. I know the struggles you face, I faced them too. I know that you have the strength through God to overcome! I believe in you, even if you dont believe in yourself. Even if you feel you're at the end of your line. I believe that you can do it. I have never lost so much sleep over one person. I have been dreaming about you lately, dreaming that you and I were finally united in His perfect timing. I know that God keeps his promises, quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. Every day without you just seems longer, and lonlier. I feel like there is no end in sight. But, I keep pushing forward because its better to wait for His plan, than it is to settle for something that isnt right. There is a saying that says "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If it doesnt, it was never yours in the first place." I have let go, many times. I have had to. Each time you return its sweeter, but each time you part its harder. This time, I have let you go. I am just waiting for your next move. Whatever that may be, its up to you.... Because I am still here, waiting, wishing, hoping, and working on my program and walk with Christ. Trying to do the next right thing. Still thinking of you every day, and still waiting. God has a plan, maybe its you...maybe its not. For right now, I cant imagine anyone else... So, I continue to wait. He will either bring someone who will take my mind off you, or He will lead you in the way you are to go. Either way, I love you. I always have, and I probably always will. God be with you, and I will continue to pray, love, and hope for His plan to come into play. Blessings.

Table for one...

It had been a long day. As she slid in the booth in the back corner of a busy restaraunt on a Friday night. She set her belongings by her side and picked up the menu, she ordered her dinner and waited for it to be served. As she waited she looked around, the place was full of groups and couples..what more could you expect on a Friday night? She was saddened by the thought that she was there alone. She didnt have a group or date, she sat alone. Tired from the day she began to gaze into space and think about the recent events and how she ended up where she is this evening, alone, at a restaraunt. She thought of how just weeks ago she learned of the child she was growing in her belly. She thought of the supportive people, and the ones who's words hurt. She focused on them for a minute. They would say things to her like she was not a good christian, and how could she let this happen, what was she thinking. They would tell her she needed to "get right with God" before she went another day living in sin. All condemning and hurtful words. Who were they to tell her what she needed to do? They never walked in her shoes! They never knew the painful ache of having once had a relationship in marriage and that now being gone, they never knew the pain of waiting for that call to go sell their bodies for money. They didnt know the pain she felt, they didnt know the life she walked, knowing that for the rest of her days her body would be out there for all to see. They didnt know what that felt like, so who were they to judge her for the actions she made? Who were they to tell her what she needs to do or how to live her life? How did they know?

She knew that she had made a mistake, one that got her to this point with a baby growing inside of her. She knew that she needed to work on her walk with Christ, she knew what she needed to do. But she wasnt strong enough to do anything more than take baby steps, and she was! She was slowly healing from the decisions she made that led her here to this place. They didnt get that having a baby would be a healing experience for her, because for so long she mourned the loss of her son. They didnt get that this child would bring purpose and meaning to her life, they didnt get that this child would give her something to live for, something else to focus on. She needed this baby. Obviously she needed this baby or God wouldnt have given it to her.

She thought back to the times she was with the father of the child, how he would sweet talk to her. How he would say things like how much he loved her, and how much he cared. She thought about how quickly those words changed when she let him know that she was expecting. The hurtful words he used, the distance he so quickly drew between them, and the painful feelings she felt from him. She felt used and abandoned, when all she was looking for is someone to take care of her in the first place. The ever returning sinking feeling of being alone forever washed over her. She felt so scared, scared that she had to do this alone. It isnt the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happily married before bringing a child into this world. Life doesnt happen the way we want it to, she thought.

She continued to think about life and where she was, she thought about the things God was in the process of teaching her. She thought about how God was showing her that she didnt have to be perfect in order to be loved by him. She had felt her whole life that she had to "arrive" at a certain point before all of her dreams would come true. She had felt that she was supposed to act, look, and dress a certain way before anyone could love her. Now that she was going to have a baby, she would never arrive. She could never live up to the expectations people set for her. She could never live up to the way people wanted her to act. She would never be good enough for anyone, let alone the God of the universe. But in the still of the night, He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He was showing her that she didnt have to be this person she had made up in her mind she had to become. God was showing her how to be broken, how to be imperfect. He was showing her how to love, when no one loved her. He was showing her how to be his arms and feet. That she didnt need to live a perfect life to speak into someone elses. That the past was the past, and He didnt care about the past, only where she went from this point forward. He was teaching her that she is beautiful, that she is loved, when she never felt it because of what people said about or to her. Her life was full of people's hurtful words. She really just wondered when people would stop. She wished everyone were as loving as some people. But life isnt perfect-

She was snapped back to the moment in time when her server brought dinner. She decided maybe it was best to finish her meal, despite the bizzare looks she was getting from other people around, and leave the deep thoughts and figurings of life for another day. She decided that in the end, it all came down to one thing and one thing only. What God see's in her, not what people see in her. Because people are imperfect, but God is perfect love, the creator of the universe is the only one she should be trying to impress...