It makes me crazy. Torture is deep.
The pain is great, I can't even sleep!
I've had this pain before, but this bad only a few times.
Hate. Anger. Rage. Regret. Sadness.
All for me. The knife cuts, deep.
This is ordinary you say?
Try living my day.
You'll see,
It's just me.
Hopeless, helpless.
Strong and fearless.
Tears,
Cry.
Why?
Emotions are strong...
I'm not normal,
I'm just wrong.
Is it even worth it all?
sleep...
deep..
I'll sleep tonight.
Maybe.
Eff it.
let the tears flow
Rip my heart out
Let it go.
Better.
I will feel it.
This is temporary...
So they say
It isn't fair
no relief
just bare.
Raw.
Emotions. Raw. Emotions. Raw.
So raw it hurts.
Like a fresh wound.
Whatever..
It doesn't matter, life is life
keep going...........keep pushing through
After the tears have fallen,
And my face is swollen
All will be better,
the sun will rise,
and yet again I will compromise
When will it end?
Struggling so..
In the thick of it.
Just want to get this off my chest.
feeling better.
time for bed...
Friday, April 25, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
something's gotta give (WARNING: I used some profanity, if that offends you...best not read this one)
When the nights are long and the days are weary,
when the midnight stars seem bright, yet dreary.
When the pain and regrets are to much to bear,
when all I hear is "you don't care".
When the memories flood,
and I feel stuck in the mud.
People don't get it, they'll never understand.
My life is not what it looks.
The depths of my soul, they will never know.
Oh you think you know? Go fucking blow!
You have no clue, how could you?
Think your shit is as deep as mine?
I guarantee it's benign.
You see, you could never understand the mess that is me.
The tourment, the pain...what's it all for?
Who is to gain?
Think your memories are bad, they may be that's true.
But I guarantee, they're just as weak as you.
Are you offended? Who cares. Not I!
This is my vent, for all the days nigh.
So deal with it fucker, and watch me keep fighting.
Yes, my days are weary, no rest and no peace.
Let that be a lesson, your whining should cease.
I'm so tired of doing
All these things right.
I think that it's time,
I put up a fight.
So deal with it now, for I do not care.
Your feelings, your words, your broken heart
Is nothing!
No one to talk to,
Not even a friend.
I hide like the moonshine, just around the bend.
Guarding and running,
Sulking and walking.
For you will never know
The deapths of my soul!
How desperate I am,
To talk with just one.
To pour out my heart,
But that would be vain.
Like standing in the rain,
Or going to school to get some brains.
This may not make sense,
Or you may be offended.
But I don't care,
For it's mine to share...
To vent and to process,
To stagger in strife.
In this mess that is my life.
when the midnight stars seem bright, yet dreary.
When the pain and regrets are to much to bear,
when all I hear is "you don't care".
When the memories flood,
and I feel stuck in the mud.
People don't get it, they'll never understand.
My life is not what it looks.
The depths of my soul, they will never know.
Oh you think you know? Go fucking blow!
You have no clue, how could you?
Think your shit is as deep as mine?
I guarantee it's benign.
You see, you could never understand the mess that is me.
The tourment, the pain...what's it all for?
Who is to gain?
Think your memories are bad, they may be that's true.
But I guarantee, they're just as weak as you.
Are you offended? Who cares. Not I!
This is my vent, for all the days nigh.
So deal with it fucker, and watch me keep fighting.
Yes, my days are weary, no rest and no peace.
Let that be a lesson, your whining should cease.
I'm so tired of doing
All these things right.
I think that it's time,
I put up a fight.
So deal with it now, for I do not care.
Your feelings, your words, your broken heart
Is nothing!
No one to talk to,
Not even a friend.
I hide like the moonshine, just around the bend.
Guarding and running,
Sulking and walking.
For you will never know
The deapths of my soul!
How desperate I am,
To talk with just one.
To pour out my heart,
But that would be vain.
Like standing in the rain,
Or going to school to get some brains.
This may not make sense,
Or you may be offended.
But I don't care,
For it's mine to share...
To vent and to process,
To stagger in strife.
In this mess that is my life.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
30 Day "Real Life" Challenge
What a precious picture of my little guy... Smiling, reaching for me. His mother, mama, mommy...
He is reaching out for me. The one person in his life who he can count on 100%.....one hundred percent. Wow. What a huge responsibility. I am the one who influences his life the most. I am the one who will teach him to be a good person, who will teach him how to treat a woman. I am the one who will support him financially, and teach him how to handle his finances. Me. I will teach him about every aspect of his life, whether to love or to hate. I will teach him how to react to situations by how I react. There is no greater influence in his life. None. Just me. His mama....wrong. To an extent. He will of course be influenced by many different things. My behaviors, reactions, and actions are perhaps the biggest, but there is one even bigger perhaps. One influence that will cut him so deep that I cant imagine the pain he will feel. One influence that hurts him without his knowing it yet...His lack of a father figure. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to sit here and "blame it all on his dad." That's not my style. I just cant help but to think of how badly this will hurt my precious little guy when he finds out the reality of his life in comparison to his friends' lives. I think of the face above, and the happiness in his eyes. I fear that someday that happiness will wither away... I never want him to be unhappy, ever. EVER.
The little boy in that picture is the most important person to me in the world. He is my favorite person and he is my little love bug. So, with that being said. I want to talk about something else that makes him sad. I'm sure as parents, we all do this if not on a daily basis, we do it on occasion. Or, we have at least done it at some point in time. We have prioritized other things above our children. I will just speak for myself though, truthfully, I hope you cannot relate if you are a parent. See, there is a statement out there that says something to the effect of "The only perfect parents are those who don't have kids yet." I used to think this statement was malarkey! I used to think that I would do everything right from day 1. I (ashamedly) used to look at my friends who had children and think of how empty my womb was, and how lonely I was for a little. I used to think to myself "I would never treat my child that way!" Lol...well, let me tell ya. And I will say, I have to tell on myself a little here, I have done some of those exact things I said I would never do. Now, when I say that I DON'T mean that I hit my kid or anything abusive like that, so don't get me wrong.
I have, however, been guilty of not giving him the attention he deserves. I have been guilty of having my nose stuck in a book, or the cell phone, or eyes glued to the tv for a day. I have been guilty of laying on the couch when I don't feel good. Now, do any of these things "hurt" him? No. At least not in a physical way. He plays on the floor, and I am right there, when he comes to me, I turn my attention to him for a minute. But, it is divided. My attention is never or rarely FULLY his. Even when I take a timeout, I still have other things on my mind than just enjoying his company. It makes me sad, to think that I treat my favorite person this way. My most important mission, my little love. After all, children NEED love, support, and attention to grow up healthy and happy. There is no such thing as too much love and attention for a child under the age of two. Let me say that again. Let it sink in good. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LOVE AND ATTENTION FOR A CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF TWO. There is a difference between spoiling them, and loving them. This age is so critical in building trust. It's just the way it is.
Back to the lack of attention. I think parents are busy this day and age. We as people are busy. We are busy with work, school (ours or the kids), sports or dance. When we take those things away, there's always things to do at home. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, errands, paying bills, making phone calls. Then when you take all those things away, there's the television, movies, video games, cartoons. When we remove even that, there's the endless world of the internet. Facebook, twitter, instagram, youtube, etc. If we take a step further, there's tablets, nook, kindle, ipad, books. And last but not even close to the least, the cell phone. DUN DAH DUN.......
Our cell phones these days are filled with apps for social media...more like antisocial media. The "let me get all gussied up and visit facebook" type of social media. As if it were a place to go, as if it needed our full attention, as if it were more important than our children.....My favorite person in the world. How did I get here? How did I get to a place where so many things became more important than loving and spending time with my favorite person? The person who is MOST important to me? I assure you, it was probably one thing at a time. Before I knew it, I had all these priorities and my beautiful brown eyed baby boy got pushed further and further down the list. That's not to say that I ignore him all the time, or that I neglect him when he's hungry, or needs changed. And I do spend time with him here and there, but it just doesn't always look like it should.
I have been working on something for a while now. In my mind, I have been thinking about my need to spend more time with him, after all....he will NEVER be this little again! He is growing so fast, and I don't want to miss out on his life. What, all because there was this other thing that was more important than him? I know that none of my other tasks are more important than my son, but what am I portraying to him when I ignore him while I talk on the phone, or when I yell at him for throwing a fit while I am trying to pay bills. I am telling him, without words, that my phone call is more important, my paying bills is more important, that money is more important that him. And when I have my nose in my phone, it is more important than him.
Perhaps one of the saddest and most awakening moments for me, was when I sat on the couch after being home from class, and just grabbed my phone to check emails, and texts really quick. I had the phone in my hand for maybe 10 seconds before he screamed and hit the phone out of my hand. It landed on the floor...In that moment, I realized that my son, my most important and favorite person in the world was feeling hurt. He was feeling left out. He was feeling rejected, and jealous of a stupid telephone. Is that REALLY the kind of mom I want to be? To that, please excuse my language, I say HELL NO!
I want to be a mom who he remembers as being there for him, not just with him. I want him to remember me as putting his needs above my own. He is still young enough, he takes naps. I can check the phone after he goes down for nap and bed. There is no need to be glued to my phone all the time. It is kind of funny to me that around the same time as I am having this realization, my phone battery is dying. My phone is slowing in speed, and life is picking up in speed. I have so much to do now. School, work, motherhood....out of them all, motherhood is the most important. Obviously, I am still going to attend work and school, and do my homework, but. When we are here together, I need to be HERE. Not on facebook, not on twitter, not in any of those cyber worlds....for any other reason. I need to be with him, 100%.
Now, I said all of that to say, I propose a 30 day challenge. I say 30 days because that seems like an attainable goal. Who knows, if at the end of 30 days, you find it has totally changed your life, and your kids' lives for the better, maybe you will make it a 6 month challenge, or a 1 year challenge, or even better....a life change :) So, here it is.
1. Remove the social media apps from your phone.
2. When you're with the kids (or any person for that matter) be with them. Not on your phone.
3. Give your FULL attention. This doesn't mean staring at eachother for 4 hours, just be there. Play a board game, play lego's or dolls. Whatever your child is into. Get onto their level.
4. I can't stress this one enough, PUT AWAY THE CELL PHONE!!! Studies have shown that when the visible presence of a cellular device is there, the person you are spending time with, leaves the encounter feeling less satisfied. Because, there is the knowledge that your attention could be drawn away at any second.
5. Unplug! Once a week, unplug completely. No phone, no tv, no tablets, no computers...turn it ALL off, even if you only do it for a few hours (ideally for a day), but just get used to it again. It's kind of nice:)
6. Last but not least, have fun! Laugh, play, read books, snuggle, hug, kisses...all of the things that make the world go around :) enjoy your little(s), after all, they will never be this little again!
That's it...the whole shebang! My great 30 day challenge to all the parents out there....
Personally, I know I haven't been very good at answering texts lately, or updating my facebook status. However, I am about to get even worse. I am going to do this 30 day challenge. Starting right now. I am removing the facebook app from my phone. This means I will have to actually login to see facebook or update my status. I am going to leave my phone on the charger during the day, unless I am going somewhere and need my phone with me, there is no reason to have it, except to teach my son how not to act in the presence of other people. I will check my phone in the morning, when Camden is sleeping for nap time, and after he has gone to bed. Other than that, consider me "off the grid" :)
The little boy in that picture is the most important person to me in the world. He is my favorite person and he is my little love bug. So, with that being said. I want to talk about something else that makes him sad. I'm sure as parents, we all do this if not on a daily basis, we do it on occasion. Or, we have at least done it at some point in time. We have prioritized other things above our children. I will just speak for myself though, truthfully, I hope you cannot relate if you are a parent. See, there is a statement out there that says something to the effect of "The only perfect parents are those who don't have kids yet." I used to think this statement was malarkey! I used to think that I would do everything right from day 1. I (ashamedly) used to look at my friends who had children and think of how empty my womb was, and how lonely I was for a little. I used to think to myself "I would never treat my child that way!" Lol...well, let me tell ya. And I will say, I have to tell on myself a little here, I have done some of those exact things I said I would never do. Now, when I say that I DON'T mean that I hit my kid or anything abusive like that, so don't get me wrong. I have, however, been guilty of not giving him the attention he deserves. I have been guilty of having my nose stuck in a book, or the cell phone, or eyes glued to the tv for a day. I have been guilty of laying on the couch when I don't feel good. Now, do any of these things "hurt" him? No. At least not in a physical way. He plays on the floor, and I am right there, when he comes to me, I turn my attention to him for a minute. But, it is divided. My attention is never or rarely FULLY his. Even when I take a timeout, I still have other things on my mind than just enjoying his company. It makes me sad, to think that I treat my favorite person this way. My most important mission, my little love. After all, children NEED love, support, and attention to grow up healthy and happy. There is no such thing as too much love and attention for a child under the age of two. Let me say that again. Let it sink in good. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LOVE AND ATTENTION FOR A CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF TWO. There is a difference between spoiling them, and loving them. This age is so critical in building trust. It's just the way it is.
Back to the lack of attention. I think parents are busy this day and age. We as people are busy. We are busy with work, school (ours or the kids), sports or dance. When we take those things away, there's always things to do at home. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, errands, paying bills, making phone calls. Then when you take all those things away, there's the television, movies, video games, cartoons. When we remove even that, there's the endless world of the internet. Facebook, twitter, instagram, youtube, etc. If we take a step further, there's tablets, nook, kindle, ipad, books. And last but not even close to the least, the cell phone. DUN DAH DUN.......
Our cell phones these days are filled with apps for social media...more like antisocial media. The "let me get all gussied up and visit facebook" type of social media. As if it were a place to go, as if it needed our full attention, as if it were more important than our children.....My favorite person in the world. How did I get here? How did I get to a place where so many things became more important than loving and spending time with my favorite person? The person who is MOST important to me? I assure you, it was probably one thing at a time. Before I knew it, I had all these priorities and my beautiful brown eyed baby boy got pushed further and further down the list. That's not to say that I ignore him all the time, or that I neglect him when he's hungry, or needs changed. And I do spend time with him here and there, but it just doesn't always look like it should.
I have been working on something for a while now. In my mind, I have been thinking about my need to spend more time with him, after all....he will NEVER be this little again! He is growing so fast, and I don't want to miss out on his life. What, all because there was this other thing that was more important than him? I know that none of my other tasks are more important than my son, but what am I portraying to him when I ignore him while I talk on the phone, or when I yell at him for throwing a fit while I am trying to pay bills. I am telling him, without words, that my phone call is more important, my paying bills is more important, that money is more important that him. And when I have my nose in my phone, it is more important than him.
Perhaps one of the saddest and most awakening moments for me, was when I sat on the couch after being home from class, and just grabbed my phone to check emails, and texts really quick. I had the phone in my hand for maybe 10 seconds before he screamed and hit the phone out of my hand. It landed on the floor...In that moment, I realized that my son, my most important and favorite person in the world was feeling hurt. He was feeling left out. He was feeling rejected, and jealous of a stupid telephone. Is that REALLY the kind of mom I want to be? To that, please excuse my language, I say HELL NO!
I want to be a mom who he remembers as being there for him, not just with him. I want him to remember me as putting his needs above my own. He is still young enough, he takes naps. I can check the phone after he goes down for nap and bed. There is no need to be glued to my phone all the time. It is kind of funny to me that around the same time as I am having this realization, my phone battery is dying. My phone is slowing in speed, and life is picking up in speed. I have so much to do now. School, work, motherhood....out of them all, motherhood is the most important. Obviously, I am still going to attend work and school, and do my homework, but. When we are here together, I need to be HERE. Not on facebook, not on twitter, not in any of those cyber worlds....for any other reason. I need to be with him, 100%.
Now, I said all of that to say, I propose a 30 day challenge. I say 30 days because that seems like an attainable goal. Who knows, if at the end of 30 days, you find it has totally changed your life, and your kids' lives for the better, maybe you will make it a 6 month challenge, or a 1 year challenge, or even better....a life change :) So, here it is.
1. Remove the social media apps from your phone.
2. When you're with the kids (or any person for that matter) be with them. Not on your phone.
3. Give your FULL attention. This doesn't mean staring at eachother for 4 hours, just be there. Play a board game, play lego's or dolls. Whatever your child is into. Get onto their level.
4. I can't stress this one enough, PUT AWAY THE CELL PHONE!!! Studies have shown that when the visible presence of a cellular device is there, the person you are spending time with, leaves the encounter feeling less satisfied. Because, there is the knowledge that your attention could be drawn away at any second.
5. Unplug! Once a week, unplug completely. No phone, no tv, no tablets, no computers...turn it ALL off, even if you only do it for a few hours (ideally for a day), but just get used to it again. It's kind of nice:)
6. Last but not least, have fun! Laugh, play, read books, snuggle, hug, kisses...all of the things that make the world go around :) enjoy your little(s), after all, they will never be this little again!
That's it...the whole shebang! My great 30 day challenge to all the parents out there....
Personally, I know I haven't been very good at answering texts lately, or updating my facebook status. However, I am about to get even worse. I am going to do this 30 day challenge. Starting right now. I am removing the facebook app from my phone. This means I will have to actually login to see facebook or update my status. I am going to leave my phone on the charger during the day, unless I am going somewhere and need my phone with me, there is no reason to have it, except to teach my son how not to act in the presence of other people. I will check my phone in the morning, when Camden is sleeping for nap time, and after he has gone to bed. Other than that, consider me "off the grid" :)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
A new year, a new town, a new book to be written
Happy new year! It has been going around today. The new year will hopefully be a blessing to all who are here. I think it is ironic and somewhat funny how everyone asks what the new years resolutions will be. Well, mine are fairly simple. Be a better mom, get my back pain taken care of, lose weight, get more active, continue working on my degree. Simple.
Anyway, I think the holidays always interest me. One of my goals for the new year is to recycle more, come into a way of healthy and whole food eating. Clean eating as they call it. I made some delicious recipes tonight. I made coconut milk, which is actually very easy to make. I also made dairy free/soy free almond joy and mounds :) They're quite tasty if I do say so myself! I have also started making my own chicken stock. As well as my own beef stock. I hope to make fruit gummies for my son, and granola for breakfast. I'll just need to find some good recipes. Someday I would like to create a clean eating cookbook. I think it would be a lovely idea :)
Well, let's move on. I love this new town, however, I have lived my entire life in Portland, OR. Up until 6 months ago when I moved here. I love this town, but I am starting to find myself missing the people I left behind. Being that I am a very social person, I was bound to miss them all. I will say though, I do NOT miss the rain! Lol. Not in the least. I thoroughly enjoy dry days here. I find it difficult to believe that the snow here doesn't melt off, but we have had snow for over a month now. On the side streets and in parking lots. It seems to snow, but then it doesn't melt off. We don't get warm enough in the day for it to melt. I will be grateful when summer comes back around.
Despite my likes and dislikes of this new town, I figured something out. I am on an adventure. God told me before I left Portland, that he wanted to take me on an adventure. I can truthfully and honestly say, this has been the best adventure of my life! Though a lot of people, I feel, were hurt by my leaving. I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to a lot of my friends, but I wanted a quiet exit. I did not want to make a big deal about it. I hope that people who I hurt know that I still love them, and I miss them terribly. Anyway, there have been so many ups and downs here. I am loving every minute of it. I recently started painting my nails again. Something a friend of mine instilled in me. Dear sweet friend. She gifted me nail polish and told me to use it, to take time for myself. I heeded her advice almost a year after the fact :) But, I am finding myself again. I have been painting, I have been doing my nails, I have been growing out my hair, and I have been enjoying the sweet, tender moments life brings. I have met some incredible people, and I have had some intensive and healing conversations with people. I have learned to rely on others in my community, and I have learned to keep my mouth shut about certain things. Not everyone needs to know every detail of my life. Such as, I would like to thin I am growing as a person. I am becoming a new breed of Mindy. I am becoming a better mom. I have slowed down. Life here moves much slower than Portland life. There is peace and tranquility here for me. There is rarely traffic, if it is, it's like 3 cars lol. It is splendid. Just splendid. We live 2 blocks from the park, Camden loves to walk to the park. We do that often. Well, we did that often this summer. Winter is proving to be a bit more difficult. But, we are still getting our daily dose of vitamin D :) Life here is just a simpler life. I am finding peace in being Camden's mommy. I am finding love in all the right places for the first time in my life. Things are just good right now. I have a lot of things to be thankful for right now. Peace and joy are filling my soul.
Well, I suppose I could keep writing for a long time. However, I will let it be for now. I think I have said enough.
Peace and love.
Anyway, I think the holidays always interest me. One of my goals for the new year is to recycle more, come into a way of healthy and whole food eating. Clean eating as they call it. I made some delicious recipes tonight. I made coconut milk, which is actually very easy to make. I also made dairy free/soy free almond joy and mounds :) They're quite tasty if I do say so myself! I have also started making my own chicken stock. As well as my own beef stock. I hope to make fruit gummies for my son, and granola for breakfast. I'll just need to find some good recipes. Someday I would like to create a clean eating cookbook. I think it would be a lovely idea :)
Well, let's move on. I love this new town, however, I have lived my entire life in Portland, OR. Up until 6 months ago when I moved here. I love this town, but I am starting to find myself missing the people I left behind. Being that I am a very social person, I was bound to miss them all. I will say though, I do NOT miss the rain! Lol. Not in the least. I thoroughly enjoy dry days here. I find it difficult to believe that the snow here doesn't melt off, but we have had snow for over a month now. On the side streets and in parking lots. It seems to snow, but then it doesn't melt off. We don't get warm enough in the day for it to melt. I will be grateful when summer comes back around.
Despite my likes and dislikes of this new town, I figured something out. I am on an adventure. God told me before I left Portland, that he wanted to take me on an adventure. I can truthfully and honestly say, this has been the best adventure of my life! Though a lot of people, I feel, were hurt by my leaving. I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to a lot of my friends, but I wanted a quiet exit. I did not want to make a big deal about it. I hope that people who I hurt know that I still love them, and I miss them terribly. Anyway, there have been so many ups and downs here. I am loving every minute of it. I recently started painting my nails again. Something a friend of mine instilled in me. Dear sweet friend. She gifted me nail polish and told me to use it, to take time for myself. I heeded her advice almost a year after the fact :) But, I am finding myself again. I have been painting, I have been doing my nails, I have been growing out my hair, and I have been enjoying the sweet, tender moments life brings. I have met some incredible people, and I have had some intensive and healing conversations with people. I have learned to rely on others in my community, and I have learned to keep my mouth shut about certain things. Not everyone needs to know every detail of my life. Such as, I would like to thin I am growing as a person. I am becoming a new breed of Mindy. I am becoming a better mom. I have slowed down. Life here moves much slower than Portland life. There is peace and tranquility here for me. There is rarely traffic, if it is, it's like 3 cars lol. It is splendid. Just splendid. We live 2 blocks from the park, Camden loves to walk to the park. We do that often. Well, we did that often this summer. Winter is proving to be a bit more difficult. But, we are still getting our daily dose of vitamin D :) Life here is just a simpler life. I am finding peace in being Camden's mommy. I am finding love in all the right places for the first time in my life. Things are just good right now. I have a lot of things to be thankful for right now. Peace and joy are filling my soul.
Well, I suppose I could keep writing for a long time. However, I will let it be for now. I think I have said enough.
Peace and love.
Joshua
He sat there. In his bedroom, alone on the bed. He thought of the horrible way she had treated him. How incredibly rude to withdraw her agreement to go on a date with him. After all, she was his best friend. He adored her. He thought that she adored him too. Apparently not. In that moment, he hated her.
He thought about his children, how much he loved them. He wanted so desperately to fight for custody of his children. His heart ached for his children. He wanted to be with them more than anything. He sat there in a daze. Thinking of all these things and more. The stress of his job, the rent payments. He thought of all the failures in his life up until that point. He began to feel the overwhelming urge to numb out that pain. He just wanted to escape one more time in to happiness. He just wanted one more high, then he would get serious about this sobriety thing. He would get his life figured out.
"Knock, knock, knock." He jumped as one of his roommates opened the door to ask if he wanted dinner. He politely declined. He shut the door and slumped back onto his bed. It was neatly made, and his bedroom spotless as could be. He slowly and cautiously pulled a shoebox from under his bed. He knew he would have just one last chance. If his roommates knew, he would surely be kicked out. He lifted the lid, his eyes lit up with delight and fear. He just wanted to get really high, one last time. He slowly pulled the 4 patches out. He tore them open and began placing them on his body. He had used much more than that in the past, so 4 patches should be just right to get him the high he wanted. He leaned back and relaxed while the patches took effect. He began to feel the effects of pure euphoria. He began to feel as if he were floating on a cloud. It was then, he remembered that he had bible study.
He shut his car door, and drove down the road. He arrived at his pastors home, and was welcomed inside. The pastor asked him several times if he was okay, he wondered if he could tell he was high. He continued to assure the pastor that he was alright. He moved to the couch and sat on the end. No need to be in between anybody. He sat there as the pastor prayed, and he waited for the study to begin. He began to get itchy from the narcotics running through his veins. The bible study was a blur, but it was over before he knew it. As he was ready to leave, the pastor asked if he could pray over him. He agreed, not wanting to look suspicious. He had a hard time focusing on the words the pastor spoke.
"Lord Jesus, we pray that you protect our brother Josh, no matter what he is going through. We pray that you would be with him and walk with him through this difficult time. We pray for protection and peace, In your name, Amen." He thanked him for the prayer and assured him again that he was alright. He was tired and needed to get home. So away he went.
He arrived home, and began to stumble a little as he walked in the front door and up to his bedroom. He ripped off his jacket and tossed it aside, then fell onto the bed. He laid there and drifted in and out of consciousness. He was half thinking, half dreaming. Pretty soon, he drifted off, with no return.
The next day, his roommate knocked on his door. There was no answer. He hollered inside
"Josh! Breakfast!" There was no answer, he poked his head in to find him laying there. Gone away. He tried to wake him, and frantically dialed 911. In all the commotion, the ambulance, police, and fire fighters came. There was nothing they could do. He had been gone too long. They carried him away, and sent officers to inform his family.
The knock on the door was unlike she had ever heard before. She got up, pain stricken through her body. She headed for the door, she could see the police standing on the other side, and wondered what happened. The door creaked as she pulled it open slowly. The officers faces were bland and ghostly. Their eyes filled with sadness, she knew something was coming. Something terrible.
"Ma'am, are you Josh's mother?" The tall skinny one asked.
"Yes, that is me." She replied as fear began to rise up in her.
"We regret to inform yo-"
"No. No. No." She faintly interrupted as fear and tears welled up inside her. She began to weep uncontrollably as the officer continued.
"We regret to inform you that your son was found dead this morning and 10:02 am. It appears he overdosed. Is there anyone we can contact for you?"
She just stood there. Weeping uncontrollably, in shock that this was happening. It couldn't be happening. It felt as though someone had cinched a large strap around her and were squeezing it. Tighter, and tighter. She couldn't breathe, her knees buckled down under her. She fell to the ground and was stricken with pain in her heart and her lungs. The pain of losing her son. It was unbearable. She couldn't take it. She didn't even believe these men.
"No, you have the wrong Josh. Not my baby, not my boy!" This can't be she thought. This just cant be.
From the other room, her husband heard the commotion, and came in. She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and barely squeaked out the words "Josh. Is. Dead."
He thought about his children, how much he loved them. He wanted so desperately to fight for custody of his children. His heart ached for his children. He wanted to be with them more than anything. He sat there in a daze. Thinking of all these things and more. The stress of his job, the rent payments. He thought of all the failures in his life up until that point. He began to feel the overwhelming urge to numb out that pain. He just wanted to escape one more time in to happiness. He just wanted one more high, then he would get serious about this sobriety thing. He would get his life figured out.
"Knock, knock, knock." He jumped as one of his roommates opened the door to ask if he wanted dinner. He politely declined. He shut the door and slumped back onto his bed. It was neatly made, and his bedroom spotless as could be. He slowly and cautiously pulled a shoebox from under his bed. He knew he would have just one last chance. If his roommates knew, he would surely be kicked out. He lifted the lid, his eyes lit up with delight and fear. He just wanted to get really high, one last time. He slowly pulled the 4 patches out. He tore them open and began placing them on his body. He had used much more than that in the past, so 4 patches should be just right to get him the high he wanted. He leaned back and relaxed while the patches took effect. He began to feel the effects of pure euphoria. He began to feel as if he were floating on a cloud. It was then, he remembered that he had bible study.
He shut his car door, and drove down the road. He arrived at his pastors home, and was welcomed inside. The pastor asked him several times if he was okay, he wondered if he could tell he was high. He continued to assure the pastor that he was alright. He moved to the couch and sat on the end. No need to be in between anybody. He sat there as the pastor prayed, and he waited for the study to begin. He began to get itchy from the narcotics running through his veins. The bible study was a blur, but it was over before he knew it. As he was ready to leave, the pastor asked if he could pray over him. He agreed, not wanting to look suspicious. He had a hard time focusing on the words the pastor spoke.
"Lord Jesus, we pray that you protect our brother Josh, no matter what he is going through. We pray that you would be with him and walk with him through this difficult time. We pray for protection and peace, In your name, Amen." He thanked him for the prayer and assured him again that he was alright. He was tired and needed to get home. So away he went.
He arrived home, and began to stumble a little as he walked in the front door and up to his bedroom. He ripped off his jacket and tossed it aside, then fell onto the bed. He laid there and drifted in and out of consciousness. He was half thinking, half dreaming. Pretty soon, he drifted off, with no return.
The next day, his roommate knocked on his door. There was no answer. He hollered inside
"Josh! Breakfast!" There was no answer, he poked his head in to find him laying there. Gone away. He tried to wake him, and frantically dialed 911. In all the commotion, the ambulance, police, and fire fighters came. There was nothing they could do. He had been gone too long. They carried him away, and sent officers to inform his family.
The knock on the door was unlike she had ever heard before. She got up, pain stricken through her body. She headed for the door, she could see the police standing on the other side, and wondered what happened. The door creaked as she pulled it open slowly. The officers faces were bland and ghostly. Their eyes filled with sadness, she knew something was coming. Something terrible.
"Ma'am, are you Josh's mother?" The tall skinny one asked.
"Yes, that is me." She replied as fear began to rise up in her.
"We regret to inform yo-"
"No. No. No." She faintly interrupted as fear and tears welled up inside her. She began to weep uncontrollably as the officer continued.
"We regret to inform you that your son was found dead this morning and 10:02 am. It appears he overdosed. Is there anyone we can contact for you?"
She just stood there. Weeping uncontrollably, in shock that this was happening. It couldn't be happening. It felt as though someone had cinched a large strap around her and were squeezing it. Tighter, and tighter. She couldn't breathe, her knees buckled down under her. She fell to the ground and was stricken with pain in her heart and her lungs. The pain of losing her son. It was unbearable. She couldn't take it. She didn't even believe these men.
"No, you have the wrong Josh. Not my baby, not my boy!" This can't be she thought. This just cant be.
From the other room, her husband heard the commotion, and came in. She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks, and barely squeaked out the words "Josh. Is. Dead."
Friday, August 9, 2013
Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
Uncertainty. That's what is ailing me today. I am in a place where I don't know how I could act this way. I am getting mixed signals. But, is it enough to let it get in the way? Or is it just being blown out of proportion? I tend to do that... so. I am faced with a choice. I can continue and fight, or I can walk away. Walking away is always easier, but I'm not sure if that's what is best. I don't know. Just thinking a lot about it. My son is feeling the pressure, and he is acting out because of it. Either way I have to get it under control. He is so sensitive to what is going on emotionally around him. Yesterday, I was a mess. Just hurting and confused. He was hollering and making trouble all day. He feels it. He is cute, wants to snuggle. I love my little bundle of joy. He lights up my world. I wonder. How did I get so far from the path I once walked? It seems like so long ago I was laying my life down for God. For his plan. I was going to write a devotional. I actually started it. I was half way through exodus. But, then life happened. I know I need to get on it. I feel like I just abandoned what God had planned. Of course, here I have all this free time, have I utilized it? Nope. Instead I sit around watching greys reruns....go me. It's not good. I think I need to rededicate my spare time to Gods plan. I know, a devotional study guide is needing me to write it. I have felt it for a long time. I have so much to say, what better way than to mix it in with Gods words? With his voice...He is speaking to me. Asking me to trust him. I am so wrapped up in myself, and in Camden...our life here. How long has it been since I have consulted him before making a decision? Too long. So. I shall start. Today. I will begin writing my devotions. Through the bible, one chapter at a time. I imagine it will take a while. But that's good. It will keep me busy, not that I don't have enough to do already lol...We are going to Portland tomorrow. I am excited. Excited to see people. I miss everyone. Though I love it here, I don't know many people. I want to meet people. I think it's for the better that I take a nap today too. I only slept about 4 hours last night. I cleaned my house. It's spotless :) I cleaned everything. Organized. It does look amazing if I do say so...lol. Anyway, the moment has passed. So I think I will get off here and go do something else :)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Inside out.
Outside, calm.
Inside, pain.
Outside, composed.
Inside, tears.
Outside, strong.
Inside, weak.
Outside, smile.
Inside, rage.
Outside, happy.
Inside, sad.
Outside, peace.
Inside, storm.
Outside, calm.
Inside, heartbroken.
Outside, heartbroken.
Grieve. Let go. Live again.
Inside, pain.
Outside, composed.
Inside, tears.
Outside, strong.
Inside, weak.
Outside, smile.
Inside, rage.
Outside, happy.
Inside, sad.
Outside, peace.
Inside, storm.
Outside, calm.
Inside, heartbroken.
Outside, heartbroken.
Grieve. Let go. Live again.
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